Saudade

"When I get lost in space

I can't return to this place

'Cause you're the one

Nothing fails, no more fears

Nothing fails, you washed away my tears"

When I went to hug Mrs. Maria she thanked me for everything I had done for her daughter. At that moment I was the one who felt like thanking. She probably didn't know that it was her daughter, Tania, one of the first people in Marília to save me. After my first drunk-spree when the alcohol seemed to go, and all the things we tend to forget when tipsy returned to bite my ass, Tania was the one there listening to my everlasting drama talk. She was the first person in Marília that I trusted completely, that I opened up.

Then I remember that later, when eveyrbody was already asleep, I'd be up, sat alone thinking about my craps... until he comes, my mysterious boy: Filipe. Okay!! Now I confess: I've always fancied about him. One simply can't not in the beginning; his enquire-ish nature added to those boyish charms at first daze you away and you forget the annoying self-centred narcissism that comes along. Before you know him deeply, Filipe is one of the most fascinating human beings one can ever meet, and later when his other more grayish colors are shown you can't help choosing to tap yourself to the previous ones. I hate to admit but we got very apart on the last months; can't say if my coming out can be credited to that or if it's only me who didn't have the patience to deal with the fact that we were in different levels of consciousness... but we had wonderful moments.

Moments mostly shared with Juliana too. Oh that girl is my angel! She has pissed me off so much during the last days with her reluctance in growing up and evolving; however her constant support and love made me see that I was the imature one in not seeing the good sides on her actions. Her immaturity challenged my patience and she was helping me out even when I tried to push her off. The bitch knew me so well and I couldn't help loving her. I don't think I ever could conceal anything from Juliana; she was definitely the one I trusted enough to come out at first.

Then comes the forth side of the quartet: Fernanda. My sweetheart. She would always be a star in my films, no matter how few were her lines or limited was her time onscreen, they'd always be a marvel and full of joy. Sometimes she pissed the hell off of me, even more than her cousin [Juliana], but I could never stop loving her. To tell her goodbye was so painful and sad that I simply dried up; probably my brain paused and blocked my emotions for some kind of stupid self-protection, but even if at the moment I couldn't express I was feeling like shit to leave her, I was... I am.

Later I met so many: Marilia and her lovely dirty talk; she made me laugh and realize how such a wonderful lover I could be... Mariana and Karla and their slight poison also made me laugh and helped to take care of my own tongue and watch my ego; they also provided me the share of nicotine I wanted to have but was too chicken-shit to have it myself. [Thank G-d!] Erika and her limited view about herself helped me to see how I should not be and what behaviors I should avoid; but she was one of the most loved, with her gratitude and sincerity. I felt so happy to help her through defying and challenging moments of hers... I will be forever thankful to her for always giving me the oportunity to be generous.

And finally she comes: my eternal crush, my soulmate. From the moment I decided to go back to Bahia I knew she'd be the hardest to say goodbye to. Nathalia simply became more than what I could expect she would turn out to be. To see her grow with me during this one and a half year was one of the most fulfilling experiences so far. The night she went to pick me up for the last time I saw her crying and I felt horrible to feel I was still dry... I wanted to cry with her, I wanted to show that to leave her was gravely painful. G-d what a girl! What a woman she's becoming! I pray to always be present in her life even with the distance. Nathalia made me think, pushed my buttons. She taught me that utter honesty isn't always required and that intimacy, if not with her, is a shit!

As the bus hit the road I earplugged myself to the song that will always connect me to her: Get Together. Then I finally cried: overwhelmingly painful and nonstopable tears. Who else will give me delightful and thought-provoking car rides? Who else will understand my glances even before I speak and check out gorgeous men with me? From all my friends she was the one that mostly made me comfortable about my sexuality. And yet she attracted me!! While the other members of the Timeless Quartet [Ju, Fi and Fer] will always co-star my movie, it's Nathalia that I want to share the screenplay with. What a hell of a great writer she is! I still think she could let herself go a bit more and appreciate the art of self-depreciation, but it's just her, that's her way, that's what makes her unique and perfect to my eyes. Her curiosity and the way she shows honest interest for what you're talking about... I'm gonna miss that deeply and will never replace her... ever: "Hearts that intertwine, we lived in a different kind of world."

Darlings, take care of yourselves and never cease the hunger for evolution! Fight everyday to become better human beings and to make a difference. And please, please, please, do not forget me.

"You have a special quality

You're bringing out the very best in me

You have a special quality, you are

Pulling me closer to you..."

[Soundtrack: "Nothing Fails, Love Profusion, Your Honesty, Forbidden Love" and "Get Together" by Madonna. (Of course!)]

Get Together

On Saturday, after a rain that seemed to be sweeping the whole town and a lonesome kind-of-depressing pizza I decided I should go out. And I went to Opera [of course].

Due to the rain and a concert that was happening on the other side of the town, the club was kinda empty, which was kinda good, cause I danced my ass off ALL OVER the dancefloor!!! Lol, okay, I'm overreacting, I danced my way and in my space like always... [Yeah, right!] Funny thing was that two guys came on to me and I dumped both, very politely and ladylike, ok ho!

Then later, after the drag-queen [yuk] show I spotted a cute guy and went to the dancefloor to do my "average dance routine" in front of him, and guess what was playing!! GET TOGETHER!!! Was I happy? Sure!! So an emo went to the guy I was wanting but he backed him off so that was my chance. I approached him and asked if he was alone and he said "yeah"! So when I looked straight at his face it hit me: "Oh my G-d!! It's the cute guy from three weeks ago!! The impressive instant one!!!" What were the odds? I mean... twas my last Saturday in town and I met HIM!!!

This time I asked his name, Thiago, and again asked what should we do [casting my silly-sexy looks]; he led me to another corner from the dancefloor and kissed me. And it was.......... not good. It felt awkward, out of place and not focused. He stopped and I asked what was wrong [asking, always asking!]. He muttered some words I could not get and took me back to the backyard [the club is like a house]. There again he kissed me and there again it did not fit. Uhg, where was the impressive instant? I was already kicking myself for idealizing things again when he looked around as if watching our backs, stared at me and said "okay, now it'll work!"

Well, Lucas trusted and... bang!! His drum crushed me!! No, his kiss dazed me! I was suddenly breathless and more than excited. His arms laced my waist as mine would lace his neck. We fit perfectly and oh G-d he was intense! Then he started touching me and saying I was hot [which was very ego pleasing by the way... LOL!!] until he started to dare more. His hands would find his way into my pants and I got a bit scared for we weren't exactly alone in the place... but you know what? Fuck it! I went with the flow!

So, the energy was so hot and so intense that I broke my rule and we went into the dark-room. There he dared even more... he went down on me and... well, yeah! But before that a guy... nah, a fairy-queene broke into the room [which was empty except for us], looked fiercely at us and went away. I laughed and felt somewhat ashamed... I realized I like privacy a lot.

After we "finished" we went out and sat at a bench. I told him I was going away on Monday and he said he was trully sorry because he absolutely wanted to meet me again. I felt very fuzzy inside and also wanted to meet him again, he was definitely a gas. So, he tried to take a pic of me with his phone [my hair was dreadful so I didn't let him and the light, thankfully, didn't help] and I decided to give him my number. When I took his cell to give it to him the fairy-queene appears again. And with his very affected voice he called Thiago. Thiago told him to come to us but then he yelled at him telling him to go there. I started to laugh inside and he went.

The fairy-queene then screamed "will you come to say goodbye to your BOYFRIEND?!" And looked bitterly at me... and I laughed, this time outside. Thiago said something and came to me. The thing is, that emo guy who Thiago dumped earlier during Get Together was the same emo from that earlier week, who happened to be his boyfriend. Right before he, the fairy-queene, come and make such scene, he was telling me that their relationship was over due to the emo's jealousy and insecurity [this last one added by me], so I didn't feel any used or weird or whatever to learn that the emo was still attached to him.

I actually found all that really funny. I hate people who don't have the guts to do things their own and tell friends to do for them. The two guys I dumped earlier never came directly to me, always asked the queeny talkative friend to ask my name and number. So the emo ex didn't get my respect at all, even if tonight he looked a bit cuter. When Thiago came closer to me I was still typing my name in his phone; the queene came with him and very bitchy asked me if I had two cellulars. I, very politely again, looked at him with the most cynical of eyes and answered "no, just one" and smiled, of course. I finished typing and handed Thiago his phone, but the primadona took it from my hand. I, smelling trouble, got up said "good night folks" but before I leave I went to Thiago and kissed him at the cheek with the brightest of grins and left.

With a huge afterglow I said goodbye to the hot bartender and paid my bill. As I walked home the bitchy-queene and the emo left the club too. Okay, I admit I was afraid they'd come after me. Not afraid of having my ass kicked by two fags, but the whole confusion itself... I wouldn't lower myself that way. I watched my back and the bitchy yelled "and you better not look at me!" I, well, laughed my ass off and went home very gleeful and excited. It was THE night.

-----------------------

Last night, Sunday, I went to this pub I love as some sort of goodbye party. Most of my friends were there: Nathalia, Juliana, Filipe, Marilia and her fiancé, and Fernanda. Cintia, Nadia and Mariane [I don't remember exactly her name] passed by to wish me good trip and luck.

I had my favorite drinks [Tequila, Marguerita and Vodka] and felt sad when Fer started to cry. I, however, didn't cry. Actually I dried up, I wasn't feeling marvelous but I could neither show any emotion. I still can't say if it was because of the alcohol or simply because I'm very decided about what I'm doing... or maybe I'm just becoming insensitive.

[Song: Erotica/You Thrill Me - Madonna]

Update...

Lucas's been without internet since Monday, when his pc was shipped to São Paulo. Not only his computer but also the TV and the whole furniture except for a matress and a pillow and a blanket. So it's just him, Jane Fonda, Dr Frankestein and an mp3 player.... On Tuesday I'm back to Bahia and, I hope, more inspired to write a post...

[Song: La Isla Bonita (Confessions Tour) - Madonna]

Give Me Back Solitude!!

It's funny how your mood and spirit get used to certain situations and how easily they feel abused under certain circumstances.

For the last two weeks I have been living alone. Just me, myself and my way. I have been walking around the house with nothing but my underwear, enjoying my music out loud whenever I felt like, working on my thoughts and also on errands and reading my books. I got used to take a shower with the bathroom's door opened so I could hear the music playing in my bedroom; and never freaking about the kitchen because I would wash stuffs right after I used, so the pile would never be too big.

This weekend however, my friends came over... and stayed. Since then I don't read, I can't listen to my music, I don't watch whatever I want, neither keep my kitchen clean. Uhg, I love these three friends of mine but I really get pissed when the limit line between hospitality and abuse is crossed. Since they're my friends and know I'm alone and all, wouldn't hurt to offer help and do stuffs around the house, such as a little sweep or washing the dishes without having me asking to do so.

Sorry, this is ego-way but I miss my solitude and the silence whenever I wanted. I indeed had good times with them during the weekend but limits are limits and people have to see them without being constantly warned about. That's the problem with us human beings, we are always waiting and hoping for someone else to notice the things we should see long time before; especially the ones right in front of us.

I know I could've told them the way I really wanted things; then I admit I had my share on the failure of communication, but I do believe people have to try to do more than what they think it's enough.

Anyways, I'd never thought I'd say this, but thank G-d tomorrow's Monday.

[Song: Too Darn Hot - Stacey Kent]

MSN Paquera

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
oi gato

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
ola
)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
quem é?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
infelizmente aqui não tenho fotos mas da próxima vc verá..
ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
sou debora do riogrande do sul

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
hauhauah
)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
de onde a gente se conhece?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
do msn paquera

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
ohhh
)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
eu to no msn paquera?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
sim, e gosteri do seu perfil
ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
goatei
ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
gostei

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
hauhauahuaha....eu nem sabia q tava no msn paquera

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
pra mim foi surpresa pq nem eu sabia qd abri meu msn estava seu nome la

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
como assim?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
está todo seu perfil, e eu adcionei

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
ohhh...
)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
qnts anos vc tem debora?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
bom isto não se pergunta a uma dama...ha ha ha
ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
mas sou bem mais velha que vc tenhho 38

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
oh debora... me diga se a vida não é uma desgraça

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
não acho, pq vc pensa assim?

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
bem...vc gostou do meu perfil ne?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
sim é por isso que estou aqui com vc...

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
hmm...entao tvz meu perfil danadinho esqueceu de te dizer
)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
q em vc falta algo q é importante pra mim

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
então me diga...

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
hmmm... posso dizer msm?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
sim

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
bem... pau

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
soui transsex..

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
ohhh...entao vc tem coisa demais

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
ta bom então tenha boa sorte..

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
vc tbm!!

I'm [Not] Going To Tell You A Secret

Some secrets are better left unsaid
This one is surely like that
But where exactly is the line
Between what you CAN
And what you SHOULD NOT hide?
[Song: Loving Days - Kylie Minogue]

Long Live The Bitch!!

Today, August 16, is Madonna's birthday!!!! Yaaaaay!!

She was the woman who taught me how to never take a "no" for an answer but still be wise and mature to recognize when I'm wrong, or when something won't work out and must be let go. She taught me the power of good-bye and how to go deeper, and she's been bringing me a bunch of people that I love, loved and altogether contributed to mold me into the person I am. Well... actually one of them matters the most... that's exactly you Pinocchio!!!!

However, in this Madonna day what I really wanna celebrate is the fact that that bitch taught and keeps teaching us all [since she's always reinventing herself] how to take a holiday!! So c'mon all you motherfuckers!! Let's celebrate!!!

[Song: Holiday - Madonna]

Runaway Lover

I went to the Opera Club again. The plan was to go with Nathalia, but the bitch blew me off again, so I went alone again. When I arrived the music wasn't exciting as expected, so I remained on the dancefloor but leaned on the wall, until they played My Humps [needless to say it was a crappy remix] and this overweighted dude with a creepy goatee asked me "don't you dance?" I gave him my bitchiest look and said "no" but started to move my hips right after. Uhg... I'm evil!

There I was dacing solo and really having my fun when I see the "old japanese" from last week! I ignored him but he kept surrounding me like the other time. It wasn't once that I could spot him checking me out. I teased!! Shook around giving my naughty and cute smiles, always biting my lower lip. Until I got bored again and sat down on a chair outside. It wasn't long when he came towards me, but passed by me and stood next to the back door, therefore, close to me.

Five minutes later he finally got the balls to come and talk to me. His name: Marcos; he's 20ish [I'd say 29 because he didn't want to tell me exaclty], he studied Management and was moving back to Marilia after couple years living and working in a nearby town. He held my hand and started to caress me... I smiled, my ego inflated so much as I kept teasing, giving him my sexy glances and naughty smiles. He came closer and closer until I let him kiss me. And it was.........

Okay. Just that: okay! His hands were too gentle and polite for my current state of mind. I wanted a hot man that got me hastily, threw me against the wall and took my breath away. Marcos was very polite and, well... japanese. He offered me a drink and I accepted water, but when it came time to order, he played dumb and looked blank, which gave me the exact idea that he offered, but I was paying it. Well... fine I'm an independent woman, but I drank it all and didn't even look back to ask if he'd like some.

I got the lead of things and went wherever I wanted having him following me around. I sat on a lounge and he tried to bond, asking me things about my life and I was always very evasive. I found myself not letting my guard down while he was trying to make a conversation; saying how hot I was and how he wished we (?) had more than the two weeks left for me to leave town. Everytime he asked me what I was thinking I talked away. What was I thinking? In going home. I soon got bored of him and wanted to flee. We went to the back of the dancefloor and made out more. There I found out he was REALLY japanese!! My hands are travellers you know, and they went at their favorite places, right... But Marcos' "favorite place" was exactly my hands' favorite SIZE! Uhg, I'm so nasty!! He didn't even make me horny nor wet in my pants! Nameless guy from last week got me a boner by just responding my glances.

So the DJ played a good [finally!] Hung Up remix but twas for the drag queen to perform so I didn't dance it. We went to the backyard and started to make out again when they played Get Together. Did I...? Of course I left him!! What a question! When it was over I decided to get the hot bartender's [yeah, that vision!!] number. Not for me, but for Nathalia. The motherfucker [named Julio, or Junior I couldn't hear properly] didn't trust me no matter how much I insisted. But the chat with him was cool which gave him good credits. I told him I'd definitely take Nathalia there next week and would do my best to hook them up. LOL!!

Then, I looked around and Marcos wasn't anywhere around so I sneaked out of the bar, payed my bill and ran away. Yeah, like a runaway lover!!

[Song: What You Hung Up For? - Gwen Stefani vs Madonna]

Can You Sing GENIUS?!

What You Hung Up (Jaques Lu Cont & Vinicious Edit)
Jose gave me this last night and we had multiple orgasms!! We trade blow jobs for the mp3 of it!!
PS: A friend ripped from the video!!! I owe him sex forever now...

Jose, you son of a bitch!!

As if you you didn't know my current state, how dare you let me watch that movie?! I'm melting!! Oh I'm going to die! I can't stop crying and I still have to clean the house!! Oh what a movie! One can't expect that even though it's rather obvious nowadays. You're mean, you should've forbidden me to see it. But yet, oh it's so perfect! Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant are G-ds and they're beyond perfection! Oh gosh, here I go watching that final scene again...

Biopic

You know those reports of supposed after-life comunication that the supposed spirits say that when you die, your whole life goes through your eyes like a movie? That happened to me yesterday. No, I didn't experience death itself, but I felt that a part of my life is passing away; like a page of my book that I'm about to turn... and oh gosh how that hurts!
Last night I went to college only to talk with my course director and get my dropping aplication. The chat was nice and she said how much I have been important to the course during these 18 months and how much I would be missed by the teachers and all. I felt beyond flattered and butterflies took over my stomach. I felt my eyes watering as I walked to get the paper. As I arrived to the clerkship I held my tears, got the paper, ran away from there. Rufus Wainwright's Peach Trees had been playing on my mp3 player since earlier in the afternoon, which gave to my brain an even sadder mood. I sat down in a bench, hung down and cried. When people drew nearer I wiped away my face and went downstairs. But I could not enter the class, I was too emotional, so I just sat down and cried remembering the good moments in Marilia. All the joys and fights with my mom and sister; meeting the folks from drama group, the first time I met Nathalia and how much fun we've been having ever since. I remembered Vagner and all he represents... I remembered Gustavo.
For now I can say I'm okay, but I really don't imagine how it's going to be when the time for the real good-bye comes over. I guess we'll all weep and cry but in the end we will all get along. After all, life is made of welcomes and good-byes.
[Song: Peach Trees - Rufus Wainwright]

White Flag

I never really imagined about a day I'd meet someone I had a fling with after the fling is done. I may have put myself in friends' place, or daydreamed in a cinematically way, but never been through that. Well, today, it happened.

I was here sat by my own, chating with Jose and trying to figure out something to do after he left to school until Nathalia calls me. We went to the mall to have a snack [even though I wasn't hungry], chat and later we'd come back here to watch a classic [An Affair To Remember]. When we arrived there, who is the first person I see? Gustavo. Yeah, him!! I turned to Nathalia and warned her, and as he noticed me he cast me his usual childish charming grin, beaconed, lip-synched a "hi" and kept talking with his girlfriend. I did the same and my first reaction was to act cool and continue the matter Nathalia and I were having before we see him, despite Nathalia's attempts to bring him to the conversation.

And okay, I held as long as I could [30 seconds] and started to talk about him. I placed myself in a position I could see his table. His friend was looking towards my direction but not exactly at me, just as I did. I felt huge goosebumps, chills all over my spine and a whirlwind of rememberances hit my head. As I tell you now it may sounded like a cheap soap opera, but it was very real, classy and mature. Nathalia and I talked about many subjects but he sneaked into the talk sometimes. When we left, we walked by his table and I said good-bye. We traded smiles and a shinning glance that brought me back those known goosebumps.

Now as I think of it, now that I first experienced a reencounter, I feel like that Dido's song:

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

But I indeed want to put my hands up and surrender, even though he is still as cute as always and just his appearance made such an impression on me all over again.

[Song: Peach Trees - Rufus Wainwright]

New Song Addiction of The Week

I'm Nelly, I'm Nelly, I'm Nelly, I'm Nelly
If you want the video
I'm on your video
If you want the radio
I'm on your radio
Call if you hear me, yo
I'm Nelly, I'm Nelly, I'm Nelly, I'm Nelly

[Chorus]
Baby I wanna let my hair down
Baby I wanna let my hair down
Baby I wanna let my hair down
Bring me something that'll make me jump around

Let's flow with this
Let's get to know with this
Let's hit the show with this
Let's fly like a crow with this
Do you wanna be my revue
I could be your star even
Or we could make a little haven
Tell me what you're craving
Let's make a dust bowl
We'll hit it like Rose Bowl
I do like sports
But I don't like wearing shorts
It's ok we could do it in the dark
If you got a candle let's light a spark
Everybody looks good in good lighting
Hey we could do it quick and close our fighting

[Chorus - twice]

Smell it on the mic
Feel alright
And you can have a bite
But not tonight
You can call me Nico
Give me something to eat, oh
I heard you're chickety chic-o
Like you're staying the week
Yeah, you like my map
Yeah, it's all that
Let's start a frat
Gimme gimme gimme phat
You know you like vodka
You like the way we rock ya
Hey I'm your amore
Come here when I call you something dolly

[Chorus - twice]

[Bridge - twice]
This is my flow (my hair down)
This is my flow (my hair down)
This is my flow (Jumpin' around)

http://www.4shared.com/file/2942177/
141678de/14_let_my_hair_down.html

"Let My Hair Down" by Nelly "G-d" Furtado

[Note to self: throw a party, play it and shake your ass all over the dancefloor.]

Sunday

When I woke up yesterday I realized I was without my sweatshirt... and when the hell I took it off is still a mystery to me.
I woke up and finished to download Madge's Confessions Tour, to then call Nathalia. I was tired of only hearing my own thoughts and was in the mood for some intellectual intercourse, besides I needed to tell her the facts from Saturday.
Before calling her I called my friend Fernanda. She was not in Marilia but we chatted anyway, we said how much we missed each other during July and then I threw the bomb: I'm coming back to Bahia next month. Her reaction was a surprise for me. It's not like I'm that coinceited, but I agreed people would be sad with my departure, but Fer cried. And she didn't just shed some tears, I could hear her sobbing and moaning at the other side of the line. Uhg, that got me! I felt for the first time the pound of leaving something behind. When I moved to Marilia, leaving Bahia, most of my friends were leaving as well, that made everything easier and now I'll leave a lot of people behind. The last time I did it I was around 10 and didn't know how much those things get to people. I finally felt a bit sad, but honestly not unconvinced to go. I know what I want, then I go for it.
Then I met Nathalia and we talked randomly as I told her about the previous night. I raved on the hot bartender and she got all excited in going to the club and meeting him. As for me, I got a new obsession. Yes, nameless guy became one! I spent the day looking around and carefully to everyone everywhere I went; his face was so familiar, for I feel I've seen him before somewhere in this town. At night, after watching Desperate Housewives season finale [Marcia Cross is G-d!] I went out with Nathalia again. We hit the movies to see The Break Up [she was paying so whatever]. I loved of course, but she and her other gay friends didn't like that much. Well, ok who am I to pick on variety of tastes?
*Lol* Yeah right!!
[Song: The Man That Got Away - Judy Garland (have I ever said how much I love it?)]

Impressive Instant

Last night I went clubbing alone for the 1st time. And last night still I wrote this poetic post but I cleverly erased the whole text, so I'll spill the tale out the way my stream of consciousness allows me to do.

At first the club sucks!! It only plays drag queen music, and when they play average good pop it's so badly remixed in a way it becomes drag music. However, if you're low and hopeless you can go there to check out the gorgeous bartender they have. He's the personification of G-d's mercy on us. But the son of a bitch is straight!! Can you believe that? Of course we all dream he's one of those drunk-gays... uhg, and last night he had this beard that gave him such a scoundrel charm!! *dies*

So, after a Smirnoff Ice I decided to endure the music and have my time and hit the dancefloor. All kinds of queens were there; some pretty others [mostly] hideous. I started hitting on a blond guy with long hair but the motherfucker ignored me so I spun around and kept dancing. It was when I saw him...

He was a bit closer to the wall, dancing very cute in a straight-ish way steping his feet and waving shoulders, very timidly. Wow, that got me! When I checked him out he was the vision! He was as tall as me but with larger shoulders, a worked out body but not over the top; his arms seemed yummy and oh his butt... *faints* He had very short hair, skin color of mocha and a nice look he gave every time a guy or a fag hag came around to talk to him.

So I placed myself in front of him and danced. Every now and then I cast him flirtatious glances to which he sometimes responded, sometimes did not. But I noticed he was backing off way too many guys and some of them were really interesting; that made me hopeful so I gathered forces, caught my breath [that was away not for the dancing but for him] and asked him: "are you alone?" He replied by saying he was half-alone: he came there with a guy, but they argued inside the club and now were apart.

Well, I'm used to rejection [even if it's always a pain in the ass] but then, as in a twisted trick of destiny he gave me the brightest of smiles, came towards me and said: "you are stunning!" *melts* Suddenly I heard him better and saw him only. I felt goosebumps [and I still feel them] all over me and the only things I wanted to do was to thrust him against the wall and take his breath away... But his date showed up.

OK, such gorgeous man attracts other gorgeous men, I suppose. In a moment I even thought he was out of my league, but when I see his date I felt offended! Between us with a very snob and irksome attitude, stood a louzy-dyed emo hair, skinnier than a wet rat and with a face that looked like the encounter of Tyra Banks and Paris Hilton little one guy. He dragged him away from me and they talked/argued. The fact that I indeed looked more handsome than that person made me hopeful that he would dump that rat and come to me. So I started to encircle them, walking by them pretending I was just walking by. But me and my ego got a punch on the face: he disappeared! Simply vanished! I walked around looking for him and nothing! I even met his fugly date twice, but nothing of him.

I was so disappointed that the bad music started to annoy me for good and nobody else seemed a bit interesting. I just wanted him! I later danced a louzy remix of Lose My Breath with a black girl I never saw in my entire life, that was fun but she couldn't keep up with me... *lol* I also was hitted by a hot, but old japanese; he sorrounded and followed me everywhere I went, but since he never made any move I ignored him. I met a guy I used to have a crush on [but didn't know if he was gay] arm-laced with another [gorgeous] queen... and finally danced my song: Hung Up. Unfortunately a crappy remix that distorted Madge's voice completely, but I didnt care I shook my ass and did the arm-rolling step I much love.

In the end I ran away from there five minutes before the evil drag queen started her show. It was in general a good night. I felt I can get along with solitude in such hostile enviroment, even though I missed people like Alais and my ho to share fun with. I still regret not getting that boy, I was so excited and amazed I even forgot to get his name, but I'm ok... who knows if I happen to run into him one of these days.

[Song: Music Sounds Better With You - Stardust]

Medo!!!!!!!!!

My dad, Zenaide, Sofia [the dog] and the Bunny went to Bahia this morning. The only human being left in the house is me and I'm supposed to do gazillion errands and solve stuff for my moving to Bahia! ALL BY MYSELF!
I'm shitting myself!!!
[Song: Above The Candy Store - Paola (do you remember it hosie?)]

Back to the start...

During my trip back to Marilia, my father and I started an argument about promiscuity in the homossexual world. His arguments convinced me and even though I don't judge that lyfe-style and sometimes wish it, I fell into a melancholy I could not exactly explain even to myself. I want romance.
To see Pride and Prejudice reassured on me that feeling. I want to share feelings in a deeper level than club-hunting or mall flirting; all this making out has been draining out my energy, especially because when I'm not having it I crave for it. Is one supposed to be enslaved by shallow and quick sensations? It probably depends on what one wants and I honestly want more, I want to go deeper and deeper, find a like-minded companion and have loads of intellectual intercourse.
Knowing how picky I am, I know I'll have to be patient until I find someone worth-exchanging... or someone in his teen years... ohh boy, Lucas gotta change!! Lol!!
By the way, due to this new romance-craving era I'm addicted to a new song: It's called Pra Ser Sincero by Brazillian [genius] singer/songwriter Marisa Monte. It's a sweet girly ballad about guess what... heartache!!! Here're the lyrics:
Eu era tão feliz
E não sabia, amor
Fiz tudo o que eu quis
Confesso a minha dor
E era tão real
Que eu só fazia fantasia
E não fazia mal
E agora é tanto amor
Me abrace como foi
Te adoro e você vem comigo
Aonde quer que eu voe

E o que passou, calou
E o que virá, dirá
E só ao seu lado, seu telhado
Me faz feliz de novo
O tempo vai passar
E tudo vai entrar no jeito certo de nós dois
As coisas são assim
E se será, será
Pra ser sincero, meu remédio é te amar, te amar
Não pense, por favor
Que eu não sei dizer
Que é amor tudo o que eu sinto longe de você
[Song: Pra Ser Sincero - Marisa Monte]

I Believe In Romance Films

When I saw Pride And Prejudice's trailer I wanted to see it simply because it had Keira Knightley. Later she got that Oscar nod that made me even more willing to see it, then I found out the importance that Jane Austen's novel has in Brit Literature. I missed it at the theatre, but at the 1st moment I saw its poster at the video renter's window I could not miss it, so I rented.

Well, I adored it! At first the ironic and beyond funny dialogues made me think it as the best comedy I've ever seen. Then, the whole romantic plot and the sweetness of Joe Wright's direction are mesmerizing. Not only Knightley but simply everyone else in it is beyond perfect. Brenda Blethyn is genius as Mrs. Bennet. And uhg, of course, Matthew Macfadyen and Simon Woods are not only stupidly gorgeous but they can act! Macfadyen for instance is so subtle and poignant that his beauty doesn't only hypnotizes you but it makes you believe and desire him [or a man like him]; through him, Mr. Darcy's words are true and powerful. But the real delight of the film is indeed Keira. She's so sweet, subtle and humble that you can't help falling for her. And OMG, that score!!

But besides its cinematical features what makes "Pride and Prejudice" a lovely movie is how it reassures you the belief [and desire] in romanticism. Not the burgeois crap but the yearning for a real romance with a like-minded companion that will always be pushing your buttons and making you want to grow and to challenge yourself. As a true quirkyalone, Elizabeth Bennett chose celibacy instead of marrying a man she didn't love. And doesn't matter how corny it sounds, but for me she's a real inspiration.

The film is powerful that in the end my father and I had thick tears running down our faces. Well, everyone knows my dad and I are weepers, but he slept through good part of the movie, but still felt its power. Not only The Constant Gardener but also this one was totally robbed at the Academy Awards! Way better than those Crash or Brokeback Mountain craps.

Note to self: start reading the book "yesterday"!!

[Song: Pra Ser Sincero - Marisa Monte]

"I don't want to stay here...

... I want to go back to Bahia."

Well, I'm back home and I already miss Bahia, nah... Salvador (SSA). My plans to move back to SSA next year became stronger when my dad threw me a proposal: I should stop my course here, go back to Vitória da Conquista and study hard to get a college spot in Salvador. I said yes of course.

I'm sure I'll miss my friends here, but to move to Salvador is something I feel I must to do to grow up. I think that Marilia have already given me everything I needed in what it comes to maturity, since in the way I relate to people, but especially in the way I relate with myself. Marilia helped me to embrace my sexuality and to accept the fact that assume it to myself isn't the same of going public on it. I know things happen when they're supposed to. But you see, lately, to be in Marilia isn't the same of learning anymore and I miss that feeling. I know we learn all the time with every little thing in our lives, but I don't feel it in here anymore. I crave for new, I crave for more, more than what I've been getting here.

Uhg, I'll miss this town and the freedom I have here. I'll miss its ridiculously gorgeous and beyond hot men. I'll miss its proximity to my sanctuary, São Paulo. But I feel that in Bahia now I'll get more of what I really want: culture.

[Song: The Man That Got Away - Judy Garland]