Funny...

... how nothing's under the control of our hands and mind.

This week I met a guy on the web. The stalking life seems to be working somehow and, although I'm as single as ever, at least I'm under the influence of my old foe-friend: the feeling of possibility. Hate it, but I'm addiceted to it - and sometimes it do me good; even if the possibilities apparently never take me to somewhere different from where I am, the journey is the main thing.

Anyways, I'm flirting with this guy whom I called to come with me to an event a friend organized. I gave him my number so he could confirm if he'd go, but my celly never rang and we failed to talk on the MSN whole yesterday. However, he was told about it, about my presence and about my will of him coming. There was still hope.

As night went, Lucas was having the best of the times every time he noticed that life was more-than my neurosis. There was so many long-time-no-see friends and so many new connections being made that I simply didn't have the time to fret about him, even if I was constantly hoping that he was there scanning all the faces searching for familiar mine.

Then funny and lovely things started to happen. "Woody Allen moments", as says the ho, like hearing from a straight friend that he thinks I'm so cool that he considered hooking up with me! Or listening from people I just met that the moment I walked into the room, the air chanded and stopped to watch me go. Lol, funny uh? Especially when my shyness kicked in trying to steal the show, then I knew my ego was floating. Not that I should endorse the comments that fed it gluttonously, but a good thank-you was enough, pretending modesty is the highest example of egocentric behaviour.

That takes me to another moment where a new friend told she had a friend that was into me, and asked me how should her friend approach me. Then I played the Madonna and said "if you wanna talk to me, that's exactly what you're gonna do, talk-to-me!" Okay not so dramatically, but basically I told her that her friend should come, talk to me and then we'd see where things would lead. She insisted on what and how should he tell me, and I cut the crap saying "ahhh I've got no idea!" And I really didn't, I don't know how people should approach me, they're the ones who should know that, I think.

Later, this friend and I finally talked about that [kind of indirectly] and she told me I always seem so self-confident and sufficient, that somehow, I scare people to the point of they not knowing how to taLK TO ME WHAAAA?! Am I self-sufficient! Alright I'm indeed self-confident when it comes to not giving myself up to please society bastards; but apparently that's more overwhelming to the rest of the people than I thought!

Bizarre ain't it? But in the end it's funny, because my friends and I had already been discussing that, but it was when someone I'm not very much in touch with told me that, that I realized how real it actually is. However, comofas*? Lucas certainly won't deny his strong balls to make people feel better around him. But then, maybe, it's me who should try to make them feel not so overwhelmed by me? Maybe, it's me who should come into the boys and ask them out?

FE-AR! lol

[Song: Fastlane - Esthero featuring Jemine and Jelleestone]

*comofas = "what to do?"

Good Times, Bad Times

Live with people is as easy as people living with us. Get the picture? I'm far from being perfect, but as I read on the Kabbalah daily tune-up, the thing isn't reaching perfection - we'll never get there - but striving for it.

Two months ago or so, me and three of my best friends did a photoshoot for a conference and the photos got bigger attention than what we expected. However, there's this kinda-unspoken common agreement, that even if the pics ended up being marvelous and people have liked them more than what we foresaw, the process of production was the most gratifying. That's a practical example of that cited on Kabbalah. But what to do when you're put on a test?

Last night I got deeply irritated with a friend's ego. His has got into the linepoking mine and even if I thought I was right, the fact that I got pissed and even thinking I am right is proof that my ego also reacted. "Listen, we all react. We aren't angels."

Although I think that abrupt reactions like arguing and looking for a higher tone than the other person's are useless, I do think that after a little self-analysis you should show that a barrier was surpassed, that [if the case] not only the ego was pinned, but a limit of was broken and the parts involved must solve a problem. Yesterday, I tried to show that with actions. My look stiffened, my voice got a darker tone and in a short time I chose to leave instead of exposing myself even more to what was bothering me - I chose to leave to not explode. That way, I still was reacting.

When I got home I was ANGRY! My eyes were so red I wouldn't concentrate in bullshit I put myself to do, so I went to bed. I went to sleep frustrated, angry with myself for not having spoken what I thought at the moment that happened, angry with my friend for being so thoughtless about his actions... so, there Lucas and his brain [aka ego] were reacting like a snake before moviment.

But today in the morning, after a surprisingly good night of sleep [considering the little pain I was feeling due to my recently pierced nose and ear], I woke up with Nelly Furtado singing Do It. I chose this song to wake me yp everyday because it gives me a sense of musical: when the leading girl wakes and gets up dancing around as she starts to prepare herself to the day.

As I got up and moved my hips as far as my sleepy body would allow, I noticed that I still had ego, but it was more worried with the piercings than with last night. And following the custom, I sat down here and read my emails and there the Kabbala Daily Tune-Up was waiting for me:

"Kabbalah isn't about attaining perfection — it's about striving for perfection. We are not going to attain perfection and then the world will change. The world will change when enough people strive for perfection.
Listen, we all react. We aren't angels. But if we are just aware and striving not to react, the act of striving and being somewhat successful at it - more times than not - is helping to raise the immortality rate for the entire world.
Today, put extra effort into proacting. When you see someone coming who you don't like, run towards them with love and acceptance. Do the opposite of what you normally do."

Maybe, June 8 has arrived earlier for me...
[Song: Shine - Estelle]

Fucking Shit...

Last night Purki cited a famous Brazillian poem that goes about dangerous liasons playing with our relationships. It all ended with "Lucas, who belonged to no one."

Of course he meant in a good way: Lucas is the free spirit. I AM the free spirit; the fact I don't have relationship craps to solve soothes me a bit, but it's fact: every shoe has its foot.

So duh, I'm feeling hollow inside because I don't have a boyfriend nagging my nerves. But the truth is I'm feeling hollow because I am hollow. My life is filled up with social life and crazy drunk and druggie nights, but I have no job, no school, nothing to do to be REALLY proud of myself and brag it around. So much that even with all the crazy stuff happening every night in my life, I don't feel like writing them here or anywhere else.

Lately I've been feeling that I'm living free spiritness in the most shallow way, always remaining in the surface of thrills, but never in deep knowledge of real emotions. So I find myself repeating behaviours I surpassed and now satirize [such as falling for Internet people], because I simply have nothing left to do!

So, yesterday I wanted badly to cry after Purki's joke... and today I got somehow exhausted. My body decided to ache and not work, probably asking not to succumb to daily beers and pool matches.

That way I decided to catch a bus to Belo Horizonte, Brazil's forth biggest city, and see Rufus Wainwright live. That's my official pretext, but maybe I'll stay there for more than a weekend; see and try new things and people, cause in a different commotion... let's see what goes.

[Song: Whenever You Feel Like It - Kylie Minogue]

Corraaaao! Wanderlust + Alcohol...

Ahh Itacaré! Piece of hell in the middle of the coast! Hot as fuck, but as they say "some like it hot". Stopped on time, where songs from 5 million years ago play as if they're the latest hits: "eu só quero é ser feliz, andar tranquilamente na favela onde eu nasci..."

There was Lucas mucho loco on last Friday night, heavily drunk, to say the least, and to two friends come up with the idea:

"Let's go to Ilhéus?"

"What... now?"

"Yes. But it has to be now!!"

"Let's go dude! Now!"

Nearly an hour and some arrangements later there I was in the backseat of a Pegeout 206 heading to Ilhéus! It certainly was the greatest madness I've done; but everything was chilled, we had enough money for a day and zero commitments for the weekend. However, none of these implications were thought, I just went with the groove and suddenly there I was in the middle of the Massal Mountains [a beautiful place as I could verify on the trip back], high on Shut Up and fogs.

Around 6AM we were in Ilhéus, we stopped at an apparently good bakery [note-to-self: "apparently" sucks!], drunkness was gone and we figured out what we just had done:

"What the fuck are we doing here?!"

Withou a single idea of where to stay or what to do, I suggested we'd go to Itacaré [a kilometers after Ilhéus], where at least there would be nice beaches to see.

Once there, we'd check into an inn with the condition of an air conditioning in the bedroom; despite conquista's heat, us plateus kids are not used to plains' heat, especially on the coasts. And the first thing to do after settling up was: sleep. Before fallin asleep I thought that that was the most extravagant nap of my life, and laughing of the whole thing was the least to do, after all shit was already done. lol.

It was a tranquil weekend, dispite the sudden isanity - but, for all the time, I was thinking and certified myself of the uncontrolled core of wanderlust. Even if other had sung the desire to move, I believe that none was as eloquent and genius as that Icelandic devil, with her highly opportune screams and that brass section full of energy and wandering life.

Obviously trips like these are filled with revelation and unexpected, but certainly good acts. The greatest kick of the wanderlust drug is the fact of jumping into the unknown, so the unexpected was embraced by 50 million arms. However, they're sacred - then, they'll remain in secrecy.

[Song: Tout Doucement - Feist]

Argh Vestibular!!

It's 07h22 a.m. and as Nalim and I procrastinate for the moment we will HAVE to leave the house to do the often-dreaded vestibular we listen and sing-along to Feist and aknowledge that fear and nervousness aren't with us.

In my case it probably will come as soon as my ass is sat down on the desk's chair; but like every year it'll turn out to be the adrenaline's punch and I'll probably do a good exam. I hope the same for Nalim, of course.

Yesterday we went to a reviewing class and most of the other people were teenagers on their first vestibular. Won't get too confident cos it could sneak into cockiness, but I think I will go well and succeed once again. This year I'm doing for Journalism.

Wish me luck, byotches!

[Song: Leisure Suite - Feist]

Rambling Over Margo

"So many people know me. I wish I did. I wish someone would tell me about me."

-Margo Channing

It's funny when you start living with people for a while and they start to think they know you well. So well to the point they know you better than yourself. In some cases it's not impossible, after all there are a bunch of individuals out there either so predictable or unaware of themselves, that strangers might know the lines on their faces better than their own mirror reflections. I, however, do not aply to the case.

Last night a guy told me I seemed to be those headstrong people who defended so much my views that didn't accept none other. I may act by my mind and follow my own instincts but I'm not as shallow as that; I'm always open for changes of heart by second or third opinions as long as they make any sense. Nevertheless that guy barely knows me. And normally I'd go with Madonna and just spit a full and somewhat rude "nobody knows me" - but tonight I prefer a more sarcastic but utterly classy approach.

I just watched All About Eve with two newbies who got mesmerized by Mankiewicz's quick-witted dialogues and Miss Channing absolute and unquestionable bitchy charm. And as one of them claimed loudly his resemblance with Margo, I kept mine in check for a while.

The path to self-awareness is bumpy and endless, although I can say I'm not a retarded in it. I could in fact say that I'm a great runner. I don't completely know myself because I'm not a race with endline - as I said, there's always some energy to go the extra mile. But it's my own marathon and although there are plenty of intersections no one can tell me they know my road better than myself.

That's why I quoted Margo Channing in the begining; like a protest against those who love to fill their mouths to say they know people too well.

[Song: Intuition - Feist]

Admiration

While I still try to place my head around Ledger's death I hear things from a friend that made me shrug and blush. He said I was someone he learned to admire a lot; that my behaviour and actions somehow became lessons even if I didn't notice.

There's a silly bug inside me that always looked for people's attention and admiration. Despite my eloquent tone and sometimes outrageous manners and thoughts, I have a little shyness hidden the many layers of my being. These layers, mostly carved and constructed during the most recent years of my life are results of a willingness of going deeper and deeper in what I am and what I stand for. I guess that the moment I stopped trying to show who I am and what I'm capable of and simply did my thing, people probably to see these things and start finally admiring me.

This deliberate self-indulgent talk is also the sel-recognition that I have good to give and share. On the posts below I mention the million possibilities dead with Heath, and I suddenly remember a Virginia Woolf line in The Hours; when questioned by her husband why would someone had to die, she with her deep and hoarse voice replies: "Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's contrast."

All my layers, all my principles, all my thoughts and actions, aren't [most of the time] loosed in the wind as I learn that thoughtfulness is the best path to serenity. That I am admired by others makes me fuzzy and perky I cannot deny; but what makes myself mostly fulfilled is that I'm myself's most admire, and no one can take that I away from me.

[Song: Liz On The Top Of The World - Dario Marianelli]

Thanks...

Dad and aunt travelled to Salvador yesterday and I'm home alone for the first time in a very long time in Conquista. And needless to say how alleviated I feel, having the house only for me with no worries of sound volume or where to smoke [as long as I carry an incense along]. The mood is so sweet that I'm even enjoying my introspection at my utmost, avoiding people's presence and all.

Last night Purki and some others came over, but I still felt so on my own and as they blabbered around I watched Björk in my room; I didn't even mind to sleep in the middle of Pan's Labyrinth. I remembered a question the ho did me a while ago: "how do you handle always being around people?" And at that moment I didn't have an exact reply for that, because the fact was that I've been needing a time by myself...

Just to listen to anything I want without hearing complaints, write peacefully without no one asking me things and crap. So at this time I wanna thank some entities for making my days:

- Nessa Carlton - for having the coolest and sweetest songs to sing along;

- Feist - for giving me the best of introspective songs;

- my aunt - for going with my father...

- Norah Jones - for inviting me to come away with her;

- Keira Knightley - for making me cum and cry at the same time with her beauty;

- Dario Marianelli - for writing such beautiful scores;

- Julia Roberts - for showing everyone how to light up a screen;

- Björk - for always fulfilling the gaps and silent spaces; and,

- dear leisure - for just existing and allowing me to write such useless post without feeling guilty.

[Song: Come Away With Me - Norah Jones]

Pay 1, Eat 3

Clara, Purki and I went to a sushi restaurant where they hold, every Tuesdays and Wednesdays, "sushi in abundance", that means: you pay and you can have as much food as your lovely stomach can handle; in Portuguese we use a little cute [this is ironic] word called rodízio, and of course it's untranslatable. We have rodízios for everything - barbecue, pizza, ice cream, sushi etc.

I didn't have money of course, nor Clara, just Purki. So we decided to order one rodízio for three. That obviously isn't allowed, so we were outlaws for a night. What's so special about this report? Nothing... just little nice things you can only do with friends.

[Song: Sensitized - Kylie Minogue]

The Ugly Boots Fried Convention

Saturday I went to another rave not very much into the thing, but surprisingly it turned out to be a marvel. So, considering that in Portuguese the slang you use when people are high on ecstasy is frito [fried], and considering that I was one of the fried people, it's no overreaction naming this post as such.

The best thing about taking Ecstasy is the rhythm of things. While your body is quicker than a ray of light, your mind process everything very slowly and vivdly. The colors are brighter [especially under the dark light], the music is stronger and you feel the Earth move. The feeling is so dangerous that despite the weariness of the after effects you still feel like getting more; perhaps because the after effect is mostly depression, making you crave for the happiness and increased positivity into your veins.

I felt like five minutes after I took the little Batman pill I was already under the effects of the drug; but realizing now that the notion of time is totally affected, it could've been an hour until I started to feel hot but cold, speeded up but down... Suddenly a blonde woman, DJ Amanda, got up on the stage and started playing a psychodelic mix of trance and dance; my jaw clenched in an involuyntarily way and my body, thrown against the giant speakers, trembled by the rhythm of her music; the Earth trembled as well, everyone seemed to be jumping like in an earthquake.

Purki and I jumped in front of the speakers; my jumps were so high I felt like flying. I had no strings attached, I hugged people, I took pictures of everyone around me, I kissed Marie [a Canadian interchange student - pic right], I unashamedly flirted with Sophie [German interchange student - pic left] and saved Lotte [Belgian interchange student- pic under with Tcheus] from ugly men flirting with her and ran among people without touching them.

When the sun suddenly rose, the fatigue started to make its way, but I was still happy as never before. DJ Kronic was onstage and he did a live guitar performance that made us all chilled by the spine, thrilled to the bone.
I suddenly started smoking a cigarette after the other and people seemed so beautiful as I was able to see their pores. But as hours started to drag [my notion of time was returning], I started to get annoyed by that amount of falsely pretty people - they mostly were preppy rich boys and girls wearing sunglasses to hide their dilated pupils from the sun. The boys danced like druged... oops crazy robots, trying hard to move their hips in only a macho-tolerated way, but clenching their jaws like maniacs; as for the girls they all had lollipops into their mouths [sucking candies help you to salivate, softening the sense of drought in the mouth], and were all wearing the ugliest boots ever designed! These boots are fever in rave parties; there's not a single rave you don't find at least a hundred girls wearing them. And I came to the conclusion they are the most boring and hideous fashion statements. From now on, any girl that attend to raves wearing Converses or even flip flops will have my respect.
The party ended at noon and by that time I was already dozing at the lounge room; me and other dozens of fried fuckers. It was a memorable night that I was alrerady missing by the morning, while it was still happening. Sunday afternoon died before it started and its night... well I guess I slept.

The Last Day Of The Year

So, yesterday I posted that and went to live the day I had great power over my own destiny: the last day of the year, the first day of Rosh Hashanah. I took a nice and quick shower so I'd go to the bank for my dad. When i got my bag to leave I realized my wallet wasn't there; and after searching around the house, the car and calling everyone I had been with the day before if they had seen it, I realized I had lost it.

So I left to the bank really upset and on the verge of a stress attack. At the bank I was supposed to get a number to be assisted, but there were no more number. That could be THE drop for me to have a drama-queen redux on the last day of the year. Instead I took notice that there were only three people before me in the line and decided to patiently wait to talk to the woman. After I left there I lit a ciggie and went to meet Purki at Drops, this cool store where all theCCs buy their clothes because it's the only place that sells alternative fashion in town. There I improved my mood by helping to create a bottons' expo, eating like Gilbert Grape's mother and smoking.

But the actual meaningful part of this hangout was that at the snack bar table I mentioned the RH to my friends, and they all started doing lists for the next year. Later at night we all ended up at a cool cozy bar, where we could smoke freely; as soon as we got there we asked the head waiter to put the Confessions Tour DVD on... and as we Madged and drank wildly the ones that hadn't done their lists then did.

The fact that we were all drinking and having a good time might mean that our new year might be fun and pleasant as well. That's a possibility. In the end it was a cute night that ended like this:

[Song: Ainda Bem - Vanessa Da Mata]

About Sticks And Stones - Part 1

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

That's what we learn from heartache to heartache, deception after deception, that empowers our souls in the art of moving on. In the morning when I realized/remembered today was September 11 I decided I would make a post about it... reflecting about it.

Whenever I remember it I wonder how long will we keep mistreating ourselves with unkindness and intolerance. Each action has a reaction and somehow 09.11 was a reaction to Americans [especially their government] action towards the rest of the world. By all means, I'm absolutely not endorsing the terrorists actions, but one thing people should've asked when things happened was "what did we do to be treated this way?", instead of "how could they do this to me?".

Funny thing is that today a couple of friends' story/trouble had a complete messy and somehow idiotic turn. Harsh things were said, hearts were broken, ties were unnecessarily undone, and as a dear friend tearfully wondered on my shoulder if she would get over this I instantly remembered the phrase that starts this entry and the terrorist attacks in New York six years ago. They changed the whole world and my generation's way of viewing and dealing with the world... well, at least me. Because most of us still keep hurting each other, saying things we shouldn't when we shouldn't, doing things we regret later. I'm not perfect and I still find myself stumbling on the way with my thoughts.

But mankind is in constant changing, which means we're in the process of something; leading to "sticks and stones" always very present and frequent on one's paths. But the same way we fall because of them, once on the floor we can still use them to get up on our feet one more time and keep walking.

[Song: Like It Or Not - Madonna]

Saudade

"When I get lost in space

I can't return to this place

'Cause you're the one

Nothing fails, no more fears

Nothing fails, you washed away my tears"

When I went to hug Mrs. Maria she thanked me for everything I had done for her daughter. At that moment I was the one who felt like thanking. She probably didn't know that it was her daughter, Tania, one of the first people in Marília to save me. After my first drunk-spree when the alcohol seemed to go, and all the things we tend to forget when tipsy returned to bite my ass, Tania was the one there listening to my everlasting drama talk. She was the first person in Marília that I trusted completely, that I opened up.

Then I remember that later, when eveyrbody was already asleep, I'd be up, sat alone thinking about my craps... until he comes, my mysterious boy: Filipe. Okay!! Now I confess: I've always fancied about him. One simply can't not in the beginning; his enquire-ish nature added to those boyish charms at first daze you away and you forget the annoying self-centred narcissism that comes along. Before you know him deeply, Filipe is one of the most fascinating human beings one can ever meet, and later when his other more grayish colors are shown you can't help choosing to tap yourself to the previous ones. I hate to admit but we got very apart on the last months; can't say if my coming out can be credited to that or if it's only me who didn't have the patience to deal with the fact that we were in different levels of consciousness... but we had wonderful moments.

Moments mostly shared with Juliana too. Oh that girl is my angel! She has pissed me off so much during the last days with her reluctance in growing up and evolving; however her constant support and love made me see that I was the imature one in not seeing the good sides on her actions. Her immaturity challenged my patience and she was helping me out even when I tried to push her off. The bitch knew me so well and I couldn't help loving her. I don't think I ever could conceal anything from Juliana; she was definitely the one I trusted enough to come out at first.

Then comes the forth side of the quartet: Fernanda. My sweetheart. She would always be a star in my films, no matter how few were her lines or limited was her time onscreen, they'd always be a marvel and full of joy. Sometimes she pissed the hell off of me, even more than her cousin [Juliana], but I could never stop loving her. To tell her goodbye was so painful and sad that I simply dried up; probably my brain paused and blocked my emotions for some kind of stupid self-protection, but even if at the moment I couldn't express I was feeling like shit to leave her, I was... I am.

Later I met so many: Marilia and her lovely dirty talk; she made me laugh and realize how such a wonderful lover I could be... Mariana and Karla and their slight poison also made me laugh and helped to take care of my own tongue and watch my ego; they also provided me the share of nicotine I wanted to have but was too chicken-shit to have it myself. [Thank G-d!] Erika and her limited view about herself helped me to see how I should not be and what behaviors I should avoid; but she was one of the most loved, with her gratitude and sincerity. I felt so happy to help her through defying and challenging moments of hers... I will be forever thankful to her for always giving me the oportunity to be generous.

And finally she comes: my eternal crush, my soulmate. From the moment I decided to go back to Bahia I knew she'd be the hardest to say goodbye to. Nathalia simply became more than what I could expect she would turn out to be. To see her grow with me during this one and a half year was one of the most fulfilling experiences so far. The night she went to pick me up for the last time I saw her crying and I felt horrible to feel I was still dry... I wanted to cry with her, I wanted to show that to leave her was gravely painful. G-d what a girl! What a woman she's becoming! I pray to always be present in her life even with the distance. Nathalia made me think, pushed my buttons. She taught me that utter honesty isn't always required and that intimacy, if not with her, is a shit!

As the bus hit the road I earplugged myself to the song that will always connect me to her: Get Together. Then I finally cried: overwhelmingly painful and nonstopable tears. Who else will give me delightful and thought-provoking car rides? Who else will understand my glances even before I speak and check out gorgeous men with me? From all my friends she was the one that mostly made me comfortable about my sexuality. And yet she attracted me!! While the other members of the Timeless Quartet [Ju, Fi and Fer] will always co-star my movie, it's Nathalia that I want to share the screenplay with. What a hell of a great writer she is! I still think she could let herself go a bit more and appreciate the art of self-depreciation, but it's just her, that's her way, that's what makes her unique and perfect to my eyes. Her curiosity and the way she shows honest interest for what you're talking about... I'm gonna miss that deeply and will never replace her... ever: "Hearts that intertwine, we lived in a different kind of world."

Darlings, take care of yourselves and never cease the hunger for evolution! Fight everyday to become better human beings and to make a difference. And please, please, please, do not forget me.

"You have a special quality

You're bringing out the very best in me

You have a special quality, you are

Pulling me closer to you..."

[Soundtrack: "Nothing Fails, Love Profusion, Your Honesty, Forbidden Love" and "Get Together" by Madonna. (Of course!)]

The OFF Night

How do you feel when two of your dearest friends get together with you for a day out? Well, I was more than thrilled last Thursday!

I met Alais in Barra Mall [a fancy mall in a fancy neighborhood in Salvador] and we had lunch. Later we met Mariana [I SMSed her to meet us there] and we went to a book store to see some tourists guides of Salvador. We decided we'd got to this bar called Las Margaritas, a cute place with mexican food, a wall with Frida Khalo paintings and more than a hundred kinds of margueritas!!!!!!!!!!

Then we left the mall and went to the place where Alais is staying. She is at this hostel filled with HOT tourists, especially gringos!! As soon as we steped in the place we bumpped into a hot Aussie watching TV, upstairs, a huge and tall German coming out of the bathroom and by the time we arrived in Alais' room I was all liquid. We put our stuff into her suitcase and went to the beach. There we had a great time with high school memories, sex life [or lack of it in my case] stories, checking out the hot people and making fun of the hideous ones of course!

So the night came down after a marvelous sunset and we had a cappuccino with cheesecake at a café runned by a hot Itallian. Then we went back to the hostel to get our craps and set things for the later night. As Mariana and I went out, this cute guy came to us, "Are you Brazillians?", we confirmed and he cheered saying was tired of trying to communicate with all those foreign people. We laughed and I noticed he was checking either me or Mariana out.

Later, I arrived at the hostel and we got a SMS from Mariana saying she couldn't make it because there was no bus left from where she was to Barra. I was kinda sad because I wanted her to join us, but in the end I went out with Alais and some people from the hostel, including the cute guy that was checking me out. We headed out to the Off Club!

There we met the guy Mariana was into with another guy [poor girl! Lol] and we sat on a bar before we go into. We met all kinds of gay people and talked about that. I was kinda shy so I remained quiet until Alais and the guys saw a German from the hostel sitting by himself. I went all perky about it cause the first thing I decided to do when I got in Salvador was to kiss a foreign tongue. I started to talk with him, but his English was horrible so we mostly got lost in translation having to be saved by Alais. We all were in doubt if he was gay or not, because he didn't seem like one, but he was in a gay area. So I popped the question and he seemed shocked! It was funny because he really sounded innocent, he didn't even know Madonna was gay icon [the bar was playing the 93:99 DVD] because he ignored her since he's a punk rock fan [of course that was a turn off, but I'd still do him! Lol]. Meanwhile, the guy I was flirting with was talking with a Spanish queeny fairy annoying guy.

We went into the club and Alais and I headed to the bar, ordered two caipirinhas, finished them in few seconds like two good drunkards and headed to the dancefloor. Holy shit!! I had the time of my life!! My ass went up and down all over the dancefloor, we were checked out by everyone and I loved it, of course!! We danced louzy remixes from Beyoncé [Check On It], Tony Braxton [Un-Break My Heart] and Gwen Stefani [What You Waiting For and Rich Girl]. Then we went to the lounge to catch up our breath and we met the hostel guy [ok, it's about time for you to know his name: Marcos] and the Spannish queen. Alais went to the toilette and I talked with them, flirting hard with Marcos. Results: we made out. We made out REAL good!!

His mouth is small and I'm not so keen about small mouths but he's a great kisser, very eager and wild at the same time, but kinda weird. He crushed me onto the wall and put his hands all over my body [I could not miss this one, ho! lol]. Until they played Sorry (Pet Shop Boys Remix)!!!! I just had to leave him and go dance it. I met Alais on the dancefloor dancing and we went crazy and wild!! I did ALL the dance moves I knew. We shook our booties all the way through the dancefloor then I met the guy again, but Alais needed to go home cause she had an appointment in the morning. I asked her 30 minutes.

Okay, let me describe Marcos. He's shorter than me, very cute with a sexy beard and hot arms, BUT small willy as I could feel when I grabbed his crotch [well, I'm a complete slut when I'm up to be one]. He told me his messenger [I tried to memorize it but of course I forgot] we said goodbye and as Alais and I went out they played Isaac!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to dance it!! Alais let me and uhg, you probably know how wild I went!! Right after came My Humps and that was the biggest slutty moment of mine: I went up and down waving my hair, touching my body and grabbing my ass like Fergie, until Alais showed up and we went. On the way out we met Marcos, I smooched him and we stormed out.

Marcos was kinda weird all the time. I had fun though, as he whispered into my ear that he wanted to sleep with me and how he'd be brokenhearted if I left at that moment. Ho, only you how know I loved to hear that! Lol...

I didn't want to come to Inhambupe [where I currently am] but my cousins demanded me here to my aunt's 60th b-day surprise party, so here I am. To summarize: last night I blowed my selfish egocentric cousin. But I don't like to brag about my sex shenanigans!

Yeah right!! Lol...

[Song: Your Honesty - Madonna]

"Other cities always make me mad..."

Other places always make me sad
No other city ever make me glad
Except Salvador
I love Salvador
I love Salvador..."

Whenever I'm here and whenever I sing G-d's I Love New York, I sing it like that. This town really inspires me.

I arrived here three days ago [Sunday] by car with my father and his "girlfriend" Rita. She's a marvel!! With an acid and wry humor she did clever jokes during the whole trip. As soon as we entered the city we went straight to the airport where she was to take a plane to Spain!!! I mean, SPAIN!!! Jesus, I was so jealous of her. She's there to a Literature congress and of course: fun! She just told me on the MSN that she watched Carmem yesterday. Yes, the opera!! And I just had Superman!!! [About that later...] At the airport I had sushi (twice) and bought books as usual: Woolf's Mrs Dalloway [Rita recommended the book The Hours, which made me love her even more], Shelley's Frankstein and Shakespeare's King Lear.

On Monday I met my mom. She's thinner and lovely, but still troubled. I wasn't expecting to see her any better, but I got surprised because she's actually okay. Her boyfriend has been supporting and understanding during her dark times. Unfortunatelly the good moments were spoiled by the egos of my father and hers. When she went home I remained at the mall with my dad as we talked about random stuff and I avoided to talk about my mom. I didn't want to be even more upset by inhaling their dramas. So we got a newspaper and saw the good things in town for us to do. I SMSed Mariana and we went to this chic and cozy bar called French Quartier to see a Jazz gig.

Mariana arrived there an hour later. I was already in my second marguerita and the guy playing SUCKED!!! He was a German playing American music in a Bahia bar!! It was like the Tower of Babel, but who-knows-why G-d didn't destroy that one, so I had to rely on the mags to reel in that awful drummer. So the three of us sat there [Lucas having one mag after the other] and talked about everything that came in mind in the best of the stream of consciousness way. 15 mags later [which made my dad mad for it was dang expensive] we were kicked off the bar, cuz it was closing. The night ended with my dad and I buying stuff on a supermarket and walking around lashing our lives [his actually, because I'm a transparent lady with no secrets *cogh-cogh*].

Tuesday morning [1 pm] came up spinning like a record and I had this awful hang over that not even more sushi or Superman cured me. At first we visited this college in which I plan to study next year [yes, I'm thinking in moving up to Salvador]. Then, at the mall, I bugged my father to buy me Nelly Furtado's Loose, that is expensive as hell but I don't care, I gotta have it!! He didn't do it so I got bored and grumpy and after lunch I bought a ticket to watch Superman... alone.

When the lights went down and the advertisements started [uhg we have ads on the theatre before the trailers] this semi-cute guy sat next to me. Of course the bitch in me imagined the sluttiest scenes in the dark room, but the guy turned out to be a mess-maker bringing a picnic to the movies. HUGE turn off since the film's sounds divided attention with his chewing and coke drinking.

But well, when the movie started that classic theme gave me chills!! I really felt moved and excited with that music, but the movie was just ok. Kate Bosworth was dazzling, but her Louis Lane wasn't as sassy and stunning as Hatcher's [which is the one I remember]. Brandon Routh was WOW and HOT, his acting is whatever, but acting isn't exactly important in such movies. However, two people were marvelous. First, James Marsden, always hot, but very subtle as Richard White, Louis' "husband". And second, Parker Posey, as Kitty, Lex Luthor's fuck. She was the fun mood of the movie. Her lines were dummie as expected from a comic book badguy pet-girl but Posey was so full of life and funny with her louzy acting that one could not not love her.

After the movie I ate [more shrimp] and drooled on the cute guys that passed me by and then I asked a Japanese Buda that was being exposed on the mall to bring me a boyfriend. Yes my friends, I got this lame...

Now, I'm here writing it and hoping that my ho logs on before I go off.

[Song: I Love New York - Madonna]

Who Would Say...

That I'd be so excited about soccer? Today, as I had my lunch and watched World Cup's Portugal and England match, I found myself cheering and trembling with anxiety!! I don't care at all about soccer, or any other kind of sport, but lately I've been into it a lot.

Last night I watched a documentary about legendary Brazillian soccer player Pelé, the best athlete of the century. Cinematically speaking it's very louzy and silly, it seems more like a tv show than a film, but uhg, I was dazed with Pelé's moves and the way he played. All the things he invented on soccer and how genius was his game.

Today, Brasil lost and now leaves the World Cup. Most of the country, even being fanatics, recognize the coach's louzy job that had in his hands a genius team and managed to fail with it. No, I won't bore you with soccer talk but I'm actually happy about it cuz now that the panis et circense of the Brazillian stupid was taken away we'll focus on what should be the main attention of this very clever people: the elections.

So, here goes the ode to every politician:
"I don't wanna hear
I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've seen it all before
And I, can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear
I don't wanna know
Please don't say forgive me
I've heard it all before
And I, can't take it anymore"

Yaaay Brasil!! Let's make a carnaval of it and repeat the same mistakes as we have no past to learn from! \o/

[Song: Don't Stop - Madonna]

Time Goes By So Slowly...

... for those without men!! LOL!!!

As I get bitter about my college and how annoyed about it I am, I get also awful news as the cherry of the top: Madonna ain't coming anymore. That evil whore!! But you see, I'm ok, 'cause since the beginning I decided to keep my two feet on the ground.

Putting Madonna aside, I'm excited about going to Bahia next weekend. The thing is [and I'm sorry to go drama-queening and being boring bitter again]: I'm bored of my friends!! (The flesh ones ho! Not the bytes ones like you!!)

It's all the same talk, the same laughs, the same... uhg!! I feel like knowing new people, connecting with new minds, hearing new and more exciting stories, instead of the next drama about the boyfriend that doesn't notice how pretty she is, or how many pages have I written for Brit Literature assignment.

Today, two of my friends were shit-chating after the English exam and they were telling these really funny anecdotes but those shallow smiles were all I could give. And I thought: what is wrong with me? Maybe it's because I often get this way at this time of the year. But maybe - and this is definintely the option - I'm just upset with the way I'm carrying my life: lazily around, postponing the things that would do me good or make changes.

"Lucas you stupid!! You want a man? Go out and get one!! Do what Kabbalah tells you to and stop sabotaging yourself like an Alanis Morissette angst Jagged Little Pill poem," says M. Alexander Dantas.

[Song: Forbidden Love - Madonna]

Je Suis Un Vampire

I shouldn't be all alarmed about this but I've realized I'm still the kind of person who has no decent personal (aka sex) life and live from the other's!! \o/ yaaaaay... how marvelous!!!

Here I am in front of my computer in a shiny, bright and dull holiday in Marilia when I should be reading something for school, or out bathing myself with the light. In addition all that makes me wanna leave the house is the perspective of going to the front supermarket and getting the highest fat chocolate ice cream I can find!!! \o/ Unfortunatelly my dad doesn't have money to give me. u_u

So, since I don't have "personal" life I live from my friends'!! Last night I went out to celebrate my driver license that I finally got!!! Nathalia, Juliana and Filipe went with me and it was a cute night. I fell in love with the waiter and came everytime he passed us by. But all very stupidly discreet and only Nathalia was aware. u_u

Then today, as I enjoyed my boredom Nathalia logs on the MSN and OH MY G-D!!! She started braging about what happened in the party she went after she left us last night. This thin but hot guy took her from the waistline, threw her against the wall and gave her this motherfucking hot kiss!! And they hooked up the whole night and made out and uhg... I had orgasms as she told!!! Especially on the part she said she had her hand into his pockets ALL THE TIME"!!!! Ö

That's why I came to the conclusion that the highlights of my life are the highlights of my friends' lives!!! \o/ Yaaaaaay...

Is my life lame?
Yeaaaah!!!
Am I desperate about it?
Noooooooooooo!!!! \o/

*no sarchasm this time*

[Song: Papa T'es Plus Dans L'coup - Ludivine Sagnier]