Kabbalah Says

"Make a list of your desires. Put down everything that comes to mind no matter how small or how foolish it may seem.. [...] Without knowing your true desires, you don't stand much of a chance of attaining them. So be honest!"

["When you've done that, write next to each desire how you think you might feel if you attained it. How might your life change?"]

- To have a boyfriend that loves me as much as I love him. [Fulfillment.]

- To have a good relationship with my mother. [Serenity.]

- To be patient. [Duuh!]

- Think less about the 50million possibilities of life and work more with what I have in front of me. [I'd be less anxious.]

- To keep having wonderful and fulfilling friends. [I'd be more calm and sure of myself.]

- To be a famous artist. [Happy to show my truth for a larger number of people.]

- To see Madonna live. [That'd just leave me happy.]

- To go through Madrid withour dramas*. [Relieved.]

- To be less pessimistic. [Self-confident.]

- To be stronger and more willing. [I'd feel more alive and less bored.]

- To be less prejudiceful and more tolerant. [Would make me feel more open about my human relations.]

- To be as self-confident as I aparent to be. [I'd feel more honest.]

- To travel the world. [I'd feel wiser.]

- To help humankind more concretely. [I'd feel less guilty.]

- To do what I preach. [I'de feel even less guilty.]

- "To love and to be loved in return." [Once again: fulfillment.]

[Song: The Youth - MGMT]

Good Times, Bad Times

Live with people is as easy as people living with us. Get the picture? I'm far from being perfect, but as I read on the Kabbalah daily tune-up, the thing isn't reaching perfection - we'll never get there - but striving for it.

Two months ago or so, me and three of my best friends did a photoshoot for a conference and the photos got bigger attention than what we expected. However, there's this kinda-unspoken common agreement, that even if the pics ended up being marvelous and people have liked them more than what we foresaw, the process of production was the most gratifying. That's a practical example of that cited on Kabbalah. But what to do when you're put on a test?

Last night I got deeply irritated with a friend's ego. His has got into the linepoking mine and even if I thought I was right, the fact that I got pissed and even thinking I am right is proof that my ego also reacted. "Listen, we all react. We aren't angels."

Although I think that abrupt reactions like arguing and looking for a higher tone than the other person's are useless, I do think that after a little self-analysis you should show that a barrier was surpassed, that [if the case] not only the ego was pinned, but a limit of was broken and the parts involved must solve a problem. Yesterday, I tried to show that with actions. My look stiffened, my voice got a darker tone and in a short time I chose to leave instead of exposing myself even more to what was bothering me - I chose to leave to not explode. That way, I still was reacting.

When I got home I was ANGRY! My eyes were so red I wouldn't concentrate in bullshit I put myself to do, so I went to bed. I went to sleep frustrated, angry with myself for not having spoken what I thought at the moment that happened, angry with my friend for being so thoughtless about his actions... so, there Lucas and his brain [aka ego] were reacting like a snake before moviment.

But today in the morning, after a surprisingly good night of sleep [considering the little pain I was feeling due to my recently pierced nose and ear], I woke up with Nelly Furtado singing Do It. I chose this song to wake me yp everyday because it gives me a sense of musical: when the leading girl wakes and gets up dancing around as she starts to prepare herself to the day.

As I got up and moved my hips as far as my sleepy body would allow, I noticed that I still had ego, but it was more worried with the piercings than with last night. And following the custom, I sat down here and read my emails and there the Kabbala Daily Tune-Up was waiting for me:

"Kabbalah isn't about attaining perfection — it's about striving for perfection. We are not going to attain perfection and then the world will change. The world will change when enough people strive for perfection.
Listen, we all react. We aren't angels. But if we are just aware and striving not to react, the act of striving and being somewhat successful at it - more times than not - is helping to raise the immortality rate for the entire world.
Today, put extra effort into proacting. When you see someone coming who you don't like, run towards them with love and acceptance. Do the opposite of what you normally do."

Maybe, June 8 has arrived earlier for me...
[Song: Shine - Estelle]

Step Out Loser!

Today's Kabbalah daily tune up said:

"Step outside yourself today. Check in with your thoughts throughout the day. Notice how much time you spend thinking about what you need."

Less than five minutes before I was just rambling with myself about what I needed.

Ana Clara returned today from Rio. I was missing her so much and to spend the day with her was a natural thing to do and I was glad to do it. Still there was something irking me; and well, it was me, with my moody introspection that sometimes is very usual and necessary, but others is annoying. Like today.

So after making a pit stop at Loli's I decided to leave and reel into myself, to finally get home and realize that that wasn't my best option. Of course that it's better to be annoying alone than ruining poeple's mood, but in the end it wouldn't be so hard to push myself a little farther. To step outta me at least for today... as a start.

[Song: Wind In The Wires - Patrick Wolf]

The Last Day Of The Year

So, yesterday I posted that and went to live the day I had great power over my own destiny: the last day of the year, the first day of Rosh Hashanah. I took a nice and quick shower so I'd go to the bank for my dad. When i got my bag to leave I realized my wallet wasn't there; and after searching around the house, the car and calling everyone I had been with the day before if they had seen it, I realized I had lost it.

So I left to the bank really upset and on the verge of a stress attack. At the bank I was supposed to get a number to be assisted, but there were no more number. That could be THE drop for me to have a drama-queen redux on the last day of the year. Instead I took notice that there were only three people before me in the line and decided to patiently wait to talk to the woman. After I left there I lit a ciggie and went to meet Purki at Drops, this cool store where all theCCs buy their clothes because it's the only place that sells alternative fashion in town. There I improved my mood by helping to create a bottons' expo, eating like Gilbert Grape's mother and smoking.

But the actual meaningful part of this hangout was that at the snack bar table I mentioned the RH to my friends, and they all started doing lists for the next year. Later at night we all ended up at a cool cozy bar, where we could smoke freely; as soon as we got there we asked the head waiter to put the Confessions Tour DVD on... and as we Madged and drank wildly the ones that hadn't done their lists then did.

The fact that we were all drinking and having a good time might mean that our new year might be fun and pleasant as well. That's a possibility. In the end it was a cute night that ended like this:

[Song: Ainda Bem - Vanessa Da Mata]

About Sticks And Stones - Part 2

At the Chapada we had to climb all these hills and go through major sticks and stones to get to the beautiful place we were looking for. The thing that went through my mind as I breathed that clear and pure air, that I was not so used to inhale, was that those obstacles I was going through were to get me to a greater purpose.
Hiking requires attention and a certain discipline that today seem like a perfect metaphor. Today's Rosh Hashanah, the day we have power over our own destiny, therefore the day our actions will have even more importance because they will permeate our following year. Not that if you are mean today you will have a horrible year, everything's workable and subject to change, but today we have the opportunity to start things in a better way.
So, the exercise we're proposed to do is a simple list of the things we want for the next year. Of course it's not the simple listing that changes and/or sets our fortune, but also the way we behave to accomplish them. In Kabbalah we believe that to get something we must give it, so here I'll list the things I want next year.
- to be a better person.
- to be more healthy.
- to be nicer and more comprehensive to people.
- to be more responsible with myself, my deeds in life and my behavior towards the world.
- to appreciate more what I have and be more patient.
- to have a meaningful and lasting romantic relationship.
- to enhance my current relationships and keep being open minded to new possibilities in life.
If you wanna read a bit more about Rosh Hashanah, go here and here.
[Song: Belo Estranho Dia De Amanhã - Roberta Sá]

The S Word

I read today a post the ho posted yesterday about the holiday of Tu'Bav, that happens to be the most positive day of the year in which it's the easiest to find your soulmate. I of course forgot about it by the course of the weekend.

For a minute I got disappointed with myself for the negligence. In seconds flashes of all the faces I saw throughout the holiday period runned through my mind and I wondered if any of them was a nominee for that position in my life. But that led me to asking myself if finding my soulmate meant I'd have to be romantically involved with that person. I reckon this is not the truth, but still that concept clings into me.

1- From all the romances/heartbreaks that I've had, none of them, even in the darkest times, felt like my [runaway] soulmate. 2- The only people that I ever considered as such were always friends with whom I find almost impossible to be romantically involved with. Then I get to the point that though I trully wish I'll find the one in this lifetime, I don't expect him to be my soulmate, because [numbers again]: 1- I don't often fuss my mind with the s word and 2- probably my concept of soulmate, the one that is really rooted in me, doesn't walk through the path of flames that is romance.

This, when I look at the big picture, goes beyond my skepticism; because instead of a heartburn it gives me a surprising peace of mind. The ho says on his post:

"What is going on in the world if people believe that a soulmate is a disposable element that can change according to your mood, how many beers you had or how much a stranger turns you on?"

and that felt like lullaby to me, because it reassured in me the very concept I always had. If at the end of my life I find myself "the one"-less, I'll try to remind myself I had with me beautiful people that added so much to my evolution as a human being, even if for brief encounters. That's my idea of soulmate.

[Song: Intervention - Madonna (like the ho)]

Mem Kuf Hey

"Esta semana encontramos a força emocional para se erguer depois do tropeço, para se levantar depois da queda, e para agüentar quando o caminho parecer insuportável."

As the hours to get the bus approached I could not help feeling this little anguish inside. Yesterday I had to come back to Conquista in order to fetch the rest of my stuff, my computer and my new TV; dad and I are travelling back tomorrow in the morning by car.

In my heart I was feeling this weight, this weird sensation of stumbling and going back to things I wish to let go. But, do I really? Everyone who knows me knows I am reasonable when it comes to facing [for real] the dramas; of course I do my scene I just can't help living a cinematic life but when time comes to face the facts I'm an iceberg. So now in my usual egocentric ramblings I wonder if things didn't let go because they simply can't right now or because I don't want them to. Being utterly honest: I still have hopes; which makes me even more pathetic and hopeless.

Madonna [kind of] said once about her 2003 X-Static Process song [from the American Life album]: "This song is about Jesus; about how we give men too much power; including Jesus. The more power we give to men the more fucked up we get [because we tend to lose ability to trust ourselves in order to worshiping an outside male figure]." I've come to terms that I gave too much power to this guy, placing him in such a high place on my standards. The problem now is not the guy himself being there, it's the things and sentiments he represents in my mind becoming a pattern to all my relations. Not his fault at all ["you brought this on yourself and it's high time you left it there"]. However, all this makes me remember a post I wrote four months ago. In it I said I wouldn't erase anything ["there is no such thing as regret"], but now I take it back. Sometimes I wish I could partially lobotomize myself to at least forget all the patterns and high standards I've incorporated and carry on with a daydreamless life.

Zohar tells us this week to pick ourselves up, clean the dirt and walk on. Pisces is often a bitch to make us fall, but it's up to us to fight against depression and getting up. I brough this on myself and it's high time I left it there.

[Song: Slide - Dido]

"Drawing down more Light illuminates the dark areas of our life"

"We tend to take our areas of clarity for granted while we torment ourselves about our 'issues'. We become much happier – and less doubtful – when we redirect our uncertainty into actions of certainty."

Let's say this is my main goal now.

You see, I have some troubles that I'll only discourse here after I solve them. But I'm in such suspense because of them that obviously my head is working over time, creating speeches to supposed future arguments.

One thing is for sure, I MUST start taking care of myself again; my interrupted Kabbalah studies, plus my reconnection with my creativity and trying to improve it without computer [I'll be PCless for a month or more].

So, while bitterness gets closer by the hour I'll try to keep my mind off my "issues" and find my inner Temple Of Light.

In the meantime, wish me luck with everything...

[Song: Landslide - Dixie Chicks]

PS: There are now two links for comments: the Haloscan with the dorky lines ["Comment please please!" etc] and the boring Blogger one... suit yourselves with any of them.

Lover-ly

"The difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated."

- Eliza Doolittle

After Professor Henry Higgins throws away the ring and Eliza thinks he will beat her, she dramatically bends over the fireplace and soils her hands with ashes. And there she is, the outstanding lady who had just drawn the attention and admiration from everyone at the Embassy Ball breaking down the faux, revealing her origins: Eliza Doolittle was not a lady, she was a flower girl.

In British/European societies the differences between classes are very well defined and rarely changed; no matter if you worked your whole life to become a well succeeded nouveau riche you will always be inferior to the aristocratic minds of the high society [even the Escaladers tend to adhere to that mentality].

My point in all this cinematical/sociological blabbering is our roles as inhabitant of this global web. Here we have Audrey Hepburn giving life to one of the most charismatic and deep characters ever created. [I don't care if she was dubbed on the musical numbers or if she never performed it on the stage; it's Audrey Hepburn everyone thinks about whenever they hear the words My Fair Lady/Eliza Doolitttle.] When she was the flower-gal she simply survived, living through the days just to keep herself alive; after being educated by Professor Higgins and Colonel Pickering she is a woman aware of her role on society. Is she?

When Eliza soils her hands, still dressed on her "princess costume" she realizes she doesn't know who she is, so she flees to find out who is the real persona inside her, she goes out to find herself; when she returns to her original place no one can recognize her, after all what such a lady as herself could be doing among a group of beggars? We let the outside-world define who we are and what we ought to do; all Eliza knew was that she was a "good gal" who sold flowers on the streets; that was her duty, that was her role on the play. But when she's offered a new position and she learns how to behave in that place she can't decide if she's worthy of all that, because everyone always told her she wasn't.

My Fair Lady's plot happens in the 1920's and back then human relations were still stiff and rigid like that. In another movie that portrays that same era, Robert Altman's Gosford Park, in a particular scene all the servents declare they have come from a long lineage of servants, their parents were, their grandparents were as well and so will be their kids; just today my father was telling that back in the 60's the prostitutes weren't allowed to frequent downtown because they would be tarnishing the town's morality. But nowadays, things are different, right? Society has evolved and permitted people to define themselves for themselves.

I wouldn't say so. We are still told what to do, what to be, how to behave, who to worship and follow, what to say, what to believe and the beat goes on. In Kabbalah we are taugh that we are the responsibles for every little thing [good or bad] that happens in our lives; so why do we still let ourselves be governed?

When Eliza Doolittle said that the difference between a lady and a flower girl was the way she is treated, she wasn't placing the blame on everyone else for her grace or disgrace. At that moment she was realizing that people would always judge her and always draw itineraries for her life; but it's only when you look inside yourself and assume who you are and take control of your own life is when you will be treated like a lady. At the moment she knew she was a lady because she wanted and chose to be so.

So once again I go about this: it's all about choices...

[Song: Wouldn't It Be Lover-ly? - Audrey Hepburn]

Anticipating...

Unconsciously, the previous post was some kind of prelude to that famous New Year resolution list that we all put effort in doing, but few of us actually practice them.

Well, knowing me as you do in which box do you think I fit in? I don't believe we should plan our lives because a lot of things in it doesn't depend on our simple will and desires, but there are some things that we can think in advanced, some targets and goals to be accomplished. I don't do a list à lá Bridget Jones, but I set goals I want in life and pose myself to try to do them in the year-to-come.

That in theory. Since I never actually write down anything I tend to forget all the resolutions by January the 2nd; sometimes I remember during the year, but it's not like I officially put them on paper as an agreement between me and myself. This year though I'll do it differently.

No, I'm not going to start writing it on this post, but I'm going to start thinking about it. For me 2006 is already over; even though Sargitarius has just begun and it's supposedly "the month of miracles" I would label [ick... here I go doing it again] such happenings as "2007 preludes". Yeah, maybe I should let go and just live... but you see, that's what I've been doing and there are some things about this [and me] that I still don't like, so maybe it's time for a change.

From today on I'm going to start revisiting my year; reviewing the highlights, the turning points, all the things I said I'd do and didn't and if they're still part of who I am and what I want to be, etc etc. Perhaps I should have done this few months earlier for Rosh Hashnnah, but I don't think it's too late... and according to my Christian upbringing I've still got time.

Oh, what does all of this have to do with Live To Tell and the mirrored cross?

Well, you know... stream of consciousness.

[Song: Got To Be Certain - Kylie Minogue]

Lost

What if one day I became a castaway, a survivor from some kind of wreck. Or worst, what if one day everybody I knew or cared about died or got lost somehow [that'd be a way of being a castaway].

Okay, this whole Lost conversation is indeed because I've been watching Lost's first season. But with Rosh Hashanah aproaching I've been thinking about the things I want to do for the upcomming year and how everything can be changed with one turning point like that. Of course I'm not supposed to think that way, it's not up to me to worry about misfortunes of life, my job is to live and let it be. So, before the week is done I decided to make a list of the things I want to do next year. Here it is [the items are not in order of importance]:

1 - To get into a public college. I left Marilia to this; I paused my studies there to this; I'm revisiting High School to this.

2 - To live in Salvador. Ever since I went there last July I fell in love with the city's energy. That's the place I want to grow culturally and artistically while I'm in Brasil!

3 - To ignite my experience on the dramatic arts. That's been a dream since forever, I wanna be an actor. A professional one! This year I wanna boost my dream, make it real, tangible.

4 - To be on the loose. That means to do more stuffs by myself, let go of my inhibitions, dare to release my skin, destroy my ego [for good], learn how to deal with people by my own [without other's assistance - "I can make it alone"].

5 - To get a boyfriend. "'Cause I'm so tired of waiting in restaurants. Reading the critics and comics alone..." [Hate to admit it but yeah.]

6 - To be more responsible. Sounds contraditory with #4 but I believe that they can balance each other. I want to control myself about expenses, about the things I say and do that affect other people, about my future.

That's all I can think of so far. Actually I think it's good enough since it's not good to set ourselves up with a lot of things and get lost later. My job now is to meditate and to view myself accomplishing these things.

LAMED VAV VAV

[Song: The Power Of Good-Bye - Madonna]

Kabbalah and Alcohol

When I read my "kabbalist weekly astrology" four days ago, it told me to go out on Friday no matter how much I felt like staying at home. So after being dumped by my friends that decided to sleep early on weekend eve even though they had nothing to do the other day [I at least have Spanish class], I made my family take me out.

A Sminorff Ice and a glass of Marguerita later there was tipsy me having high class and intelectual conversations, as always, with my father, laughing my ass off with Zenaide and my sister while we sang crappy Brazillian music between a sip and another, watching Sheryl Crowl's DVD that played on the bar and secretly drooling on the cute boys that passed by and giggling inside for the dubious fashionable girls with them.

By the end of the night, as I write, I think: kabbalists do it better!!

[Song: Message Personnel - Françoise Hardy]