Fucking Shit...

Last night Purki cited a famous Brazillian poem that goes about dangerous liasons playing with our relationships. It all ended with "Lucas, who belonged to no one."

Of course he meant in a good way: Lucas is the free spirit. I AM the free spirit; the fact I don't have relationship craps to solve soothes me a bit, but it's fact: every shoe has its foot.

So duh, I'm feeling hollow inside because I don't have a boyfriend nagging my nerves. But the truth is I'm feeling hollow because I am hollow. My life is filled up with social life and crazy drunk and druggie nights, but I have no job, no school, nothing to do to be REALLY proud of myself and brag it around. So much that even with all the crazy stuff happening every night in my life, I don't feel like writing them here or anywhere else.

Lately I've been feeling that I'm living free spiritness in the most shallow way, always remaining in the surface of thrills, but never in deep knowledge of real emotions. So I find myself repeating behaviours I surpassed and now satirize [such as falling for Internet people], because I simply have nothing left to do!

So, yesterday I wanted badly to cry after Purki's joke... and today I got somehow exhausted. My body decided to ache and not work, probably asking not to succumb to daily beers and pool matches.

That way I decided to catch a bus to Belo Horizonte, Brazil's forth biggest city, and see Rufus Wainwright live. That's my official pretext, but maybe I'll stay there for more than a weekend; see and try new things and people, cause in a different commotion... let's see what goes.

[Song: Whenever You Feel Like It - Kylie Minogue]

Rambling Over Margo

"So many people know me. I wish I did. I wish someone would tell me about me."

-Margo Channing

It's funny when you start living with people for a while and they start to think they know you well. So well to the point they know you better than yourself. In some cases it's not impossible, after all there are a bunch of individuals out there either so predictable or unaware of themselves, that strangers might know the lines on their faces better than their own mirror reflections. I, however, do not aply to the case.

Last night a guy told me I seemed to be those headstrong people who defended so much my views that didn't accept none other. I may act by my mind and follow my own instincts but I'm not as shallow as that; I'm always open for changes of heart by second or third opinions as long as they make any sense. Nevertheless that guy barely knows me. And normally I'd go with Madonna and just spit a full and somewhat rude "nobody knows me" - but tonight I prefer a more sarcastic but utterly classy approach.

I just watched All About Eve with two newbies who got mesmerized by Mankiewicz's quick-witted dialogues and Miss Channing absolute and unquestionable bitchy charm. And as one of them claimed loudly his resemblance with Margo, I kept mine in check for a while.

The path to self-awareness is bumpy and endless, although I can say I'm not a retarded in it. I could in fact say that I'm a great runner. I don't completely know myself because I'm not a race with endline - as I said, there's always some energy to go the extra mile. But it's my own marathon and although there are plenty of intersections no one can tell me they know my road better than myself.

That's why I quoted Margo Channing in the begining; like a protest against those who love to fill their mouths to say they know people too well.

[Song: Intuition - Feist]

Queer

Yesterday after I left the beauty parlor for a hair straightening session I stopped at a traffic light and a little girl approached the car window to sell a candy [very common thing in this country and soon-to-become in this town]. When she looked at me she starred kind of startled and asked "you man or woman?"

In other circumstances I'd play the bitch and turn my face away. But instead of [evil] infantile sass, in her eyes laid a sweetness and a honesty that left me speechless, remaining only a smile as remark.

I then realized this current androgyny of mine kind of pleases me. Firstly If it didn't I'd have thrown it away long time ago. Then I think that somehow it suits well my personality, since my thoughts are rarely sterotyped with society[ies] tendencies and free to change and take new forms. Your hair is the first physical sign of your way of thinking; when people see my long hair and its irregular haircut, the initial shock gives place to the thought of weirdness; which honestly is what I seek adopting such looks. Dressing and wearing your hair differently from the rest of people don't make you any different if you don't think and behave differently: every external change must come from internal ones to have depth.

So now, I sort of resent not having bought that girl's candy, because she kind of switched on such reflection in me. But thankfully life's crazy, maybe I'll end up meeting her another time.

[Song: Fumbling Towards Ecstasy - Sarah McLachlan]

Change

"Yes, if you have an addiction you’re not facing, overcoming
it may be the single, solitary thing you need to do to open the gates of harmony
and blessing in your life. But because your Opponent knows your weakness and how
it blocks your Light, it convinces you there is nothing you can do about it. Or
it makes the thought of trying seem overwhelming. Or it scapegoats other
behaviors, taking the focus off the real culprit."

Yehuda Berg

It's about time Lucas. Let's go man!! Just jump!!

[Song: Music - Joss Stone]

Jump

I have a thing for young men. Teenagers to be specific; I like the soft skin, the naivité, the eagerness. Once I kind of fell for one of those, but that's history. But truth be told adolescence is not something I like to deal with nowadays; when the teenager isn't kissing me or trying to rip my clothes off he just bores me.

Well you might say I'm being presumptuous, after all I'm just 19. But when I was 17 I was trying too hard to be oh so mature, that somehow I learned earlier that trying wouldn't exactly work if I didn't have the tools to be so. When I was younger I liked to think I was "an old mind trapped in a young body." Today I see that all I was was a boy wanting desperately to pose as a man. I'm not saying I'm a grown man now, heaven forbid, but I'm done with posing. I've changed, I know I grew up from back then to now. The best part is that I'm aware of these changes; I won't be arrogant in saying I'm in total charge of them but I at least know they're happening and that they must happen.

So, one thing kinds of hits me to the nerves: when people don't get it; better saying: choose not to get it. I don't seek for people's aproval of what I've become or what I've decided to be, I just want them to let me be. I have these friends who recently have been telling me I've changed, but not in a good way [in their conception]. Well I agree I changed, I'm more careless about little trivial details of life, like do-they-still-care-about-me's and am-I-being-dissed-on-the-back's; I'm more conscious of who I am and what I want for myself; I'm more careful with my actions and words; I'm more sarcastic and bitter than before - that's a good thing in my world; I'm a bit more sociable; and at this moment I'm bored with this self-celebrating little list.

The thing is, when my friend found a link from my first blog [I won't link it, too embarassing!] escorted by an "emotional bill" I felt pissed. I'm pro evolution, I agree people have the right to change and grow up; once done you'll never go back to where you started, you might revisit feelings but there's no real trip to memoryland, you can only see the pictures you've taken when you lived that. The bill consisted in "do you still love us like when you said you did back then?" Honestly, I felt pissed about that kind of question. Love is a living thing, it changes and evolves and we have to accept it; G-d knows I love those people but why should I define it? Why should I label it as "strong like before" or "a bit weaker"?

My reply to her question was bitter and sarcastic. Maybe she'll laugh [I doubt], maybe she'll just feel more fucked up. In any case I'll keep on doing what I'm doing; as a non-teenager I refuse to play those games, as a not-yet-adult I just keep on embracing the shifts and turns life gives me.

"I'm not afraid of what I'll face

But I'm afraid to stay."

[Song: Let It Will Be - Madonna]

2047

Ahh... no matter how I try to explain you I know you won't simply believe me. You might even turn off and tell me you do, but I know that deep inside of yourselves you'll have this little hint of doubt. In the other hand I don't feel obliged to convince you about the truth of my words, I guess I'm just too old for that... old, did I say old? Uhg, sometimes I feel so into myself and into the moment I'm living that I forget I have all these years on my back. I've always lived the time I was living, with no gazing into distant futures, going with the flow [except maybe for this right and exact moment, when I speak today... but I'm years ahead]; I didn't make much plans, nor stressed myself out with the probabilities... and now I wonder... wonder! I'm always wondering, uhg... sometimes it seems like a waste of time, but you know fuck time!, I never intended to spend it as everyone thought I should... but I do wonder if this life style was really the right one for me.

Okay, the thing is: I'm Lucas, but not Lucas. I'm Lucas in 2047, when he's uh I'm... you know, 60-years-old. And in a spur of a non-kabbalist moment I decided to step back in time to let you know if I found my boogie. No, I won't tell you if I won the Oscar, nor even who won it in the year of 2007; we don't drive on flying cars [yet] and still haven't inhabited the moon or Mars; World War III still didn't happen and global warming catastrophe was indeed the big deal. It's kind of complicated [or would the word be frustrating?] to tell that even though time has changed many things, most things [at least the ones that really matters] haven't changed. But what really matters? When I was young, uhg I was very self-absorbed; not that I was a heartless egocentric bitch a hundred percent of the time, I'm not that self-deprecating, but I focused mainly on myself, my life, my achievements. Well, no one's to tell me I was wrong back then, not even myself... I still advice you all to keep building yourselves up on what you know at the moment that is right for you; you might get fucked up [and you will] but that is what is worth.

So looking at my young self now that I've gone out there and went after what I wanted I know my life was good. Probably the best feeling of fulfillment is when you look back and see that your stumbles and mistakes were your own. And G-d how I stumbled! Even when I was 20 I never expected to get things at first, I was always a bit slow and even with all my spiritual and psychological studies at the time [that are valid I recommend] I never expected nor really wanted to achieve perfection - at least not in this lifetime.

This talk sounds really presumptuous and prepotent ["here he comes the Spielberg-esque dude from the future coming to tell us what we should do"], but my main target here is myself. I'm still a bit egocentric, but I wanna tell Lucas to keep being because as I said, my life was good and it is because he just went for the things that mattered to him. And the rest "don't matter at all..."

[Song: What I Wanted - Nelly Furtado]

Que Será, Será

If you ask me what is my dream I'll say "I want to be a respected and famous actor." This dream still persists but I've been so far and I've been to so many places and have experienced so many stuffs about myself in the past two years that I don't know exactly what I want anymore.

Nah, actually, let's say I realized now that I have many dreams; every New Year's Eve I somehow end up by myself, apart from everyone and then I have my new year's epiphanies or initial daydreams and wishes. From 2005 to 2006, right after the year shift I realized/decided 2006 would be my "coming out" year; I went to gay clubs, got boys, came out of the closet for a lot of people including my parents etcetera.

This year, after a semi-argument with Alais I took a stroll on the beach as the first day of the year dawned; I felt free and secure of myself. As I watched the first rays of sunlight burning the chilly waters of the sea I felt this amazing afterglow, a feeling of security that 2007 will be a year of accomplishment and paving. I'm keeping myself from having high hopes, but I'm sure that Salvador will do me great.

One day, I went to the Solar Do Unhão in Salvador to see Volver; it was near sunset and I completely fell in love with that city - like huge crush. There's something so mischievous about Salvador: it's like that wacko and hip friend you love spending time with but you know you can't completely trust, but you don't refuse his company at all; like the dark corner you know you should not turn, but you certainly do because it's the shortcut home. You see everything there, from the beautiful scenarios to the anguishing situations; and I've been to São Paulo quite a few times, the supposed "diversity city" of my country, it's not half as mesmerizing as Salvador. I love São Paulo's stiff and beautiful buildings the genius architectures and the fact it never sleeps; but it's far from having the je ne sais quoi and swing Salvador has. São Paulo is grey, while Salvador is beyond colorful.

As I came closer to the Solar's pier and I saw that huge orange ball touching the water with its million golden magic needles, illuminating not only the ocean but everyone around's smiles and countenances, making them all look absolutely beautiful even if they weren't so much, I felt like home. "How could it hurt you when it looks so good?"

So, when I felt the beach wind caressing my face in the first morning of 2007 I felt excited to go back to Salvador, and for good to put my life on tracks there, live that town, know it and inject it into my veins. I'm excited about reassuring my dreams, or renewing them; having new experiences, that I don't exactly expect them to be good and/or totally pleasurable, I just want to have them in that new and somewhat hostile [because it's new] environment.

"Que será, será. Whatever will be, will be."

[Song: Smile - Lily Allen]

Lost

What if one day I became a castaway, a survivor from some kind of wreck. Or worst, what if one day everybody I knew or cared about died or got lost somehow [that'd be a way of being a castaway].

Okay, this whole Lost conversation is indeed because I've been watching Lost's first season. But with Rosh Hashanah aproaching I've been thinking about the things I want to do for the upcomming year and how everything can be changed with one turning point like that. Of course I'm not supposed to think that way, it's not up to me to worry about misfortunes of life, my job is to live and let it be. So, before the week is done I decided to make a list of the things I want to do next year. Here it is [the items are not in order of importance]:

1 - To get into a public college. I left Marilia to this; I paused my studies there to this; I'm revisiting High School to this.

2 - To live in Salvador. Ever since I went there last July I fell in love with the city's energy. That's the place I want to grow culturally and artistically while I'm in Brasil!

3 - To ignite my experience on the dramatic arts. That's been a dream since forever, I wanna be an actor. A professional one! This year I wanna boost my dream, make it real, tangible.

4 - To be on the loose. That means to do more stuffs by myself, let go of my inhibitions, dare to release my skin, destroy my ego [for good], learn how to deal with people by my own [without other's assistance - "I can make it alone"].

5 - To get a boyfriend. "'Cause I'm so tired of waiting in restaurants. Reading the critics and comics alone..." [Hate to admit it but yeah.]

6 - To be more responsible. Sounds contraditory with #4 but I believe that they can balance each other. I want to control myself about expenses, about the things I say and do that affect other people, about my future.

That's all I can think of so far. Actually I think it's good enough since it's not good to set ourselves up with a lot of things and get lost later. My job now is to meditate and to view myself accomplishing these things.

LAMED VAV VAV

[Song: The Power Of Good-Bye - Madonna]