The Songs Of 2007

2007 itself was really crappy in music. Obviously I didn’t ignore music this year, I just wasn’t tapped into current music when most of the music that hooked me was released before 2007, which made my pre-lists very rich. So, although it wasn’t so hard to know which artists and songs would make it, it was hard for me to restrict them to only ten songs; then I decided to do a top 20. Last year I divided the list in fields but now I’m just too lazy for that and just separated them in two: the first part with brief comments and the second with longer and more elaborated ones. There are ties, which yeah ho was a way for me to shove more songs into the list; but what can I do, I dig on ‘em!

I have Samba and a lot of Indie stuff here, like a Canadian belle with the smoothest of voices, an androgynous Brit with one of the most wonderful voices and a filmstar turned rockstar with a fun-to-hear voice; alongside with the good’ol’ mainstream Pop. Dance music makes itself very present with a firmed G-d and a new Diva [to me], and a new G-d is raised on my altar, even though she’s not so keen on G-d.

The Bubbling-Under:
20. "Like A Star" by Corinne Bailey Rae
The song of lonely moments...
19. "Crippled And The Starfish" by Antony And The Johnsons
I have pleasure to say I’ve seen him playing it live!!!
18. "Tema de Não Quero Ver Você Triste" by Erasmo Carlos e Marisa Monte
One of the most romantic songs you will ever hear.
17. "20 Year Old Lover" by Juliette And The Licks
The monologue by the end makes me cum a million cums.
16. "Ever Fallen In Love" by Nouvelle Vague
Foreign Bossa Nova/Samba – you can be sure I’ll gladly listen.
15. "Amado" by Vanessa Da Mata
One of the most romantic songs you will ever hear – part deux.
14. "Get Naked (I Got A Plan)" by Britney Spears
Delicious self-indulgent songs from Tinseltown’s ex-Pop Princess and now promising stripper. YAAAAY!! And LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!
13. "Divine Gosa" by Bonde Do Rolê
Crazy and funny lyrics combined with Carioca funk and Eletronic and Rock elements. Count me in!!
12. "Os Novos Yorkinos" by Bebel Gilberto
Me and my friends’ theme. We turn this small shitty town [Conquista] into New York.
11. "Don’t Look Back" by Télépopmusik
A perfect trip hop love song. Angela McCluskey’s voice is beyond lovely.

Top 10:

10. "Don’t Stop The Music" by Rihanna
I still think her voice is awful, but man, what awesome music this woman made this year!! From the Micheal Jackson sample to the exciting background claps.
- "Friday Night" by Lily Allen
Allen’s drunken nights and fights in clubs really made my fun early in the year.

9. "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse
Early in the year this was a fever, I loved it to death; now it bores me. But I chose it to the top 10 because it’s a good picture of this decade’s culture. I mean, it was released last year but it was still all over the place in early 2007; but now, it feels like it’s a hundred years old. Things are very ephemeral lately; every week is a new technology, a new fashion, the best rock band of all times… kinda boring right?

8. "HeadTurner" by Joss Stone
The songs from Stone's third album swayed my early year; HeadTurner, the slut song – as the ho and I call it, - is my favorite from the album, because it makes me feel like a natural ho. Another song from her album that made me cum this year was Bruised But Not Broken – but I chose “Turner” instead because of the not depressive tone.

7. "Wuthering Heights" by The Puppini Sisters
The Puppini Sisters were my ultimate gay delight… okay there was Rihanna, but you know what I mean: three beautiful women playing vintage music and wearing 1930’s looks – and one of them is Italian, hello!!
Playing Jazzed Pop hits they are all I love about artists: fun, competent and poser. And the things they did to the songs are wonderful, listen to their I Will Survive and The Smiths’s Panic. But to feature here is their mesmerizing version of Kate Bush’s classic, Wuthering Heights. The harmonized vocals, the theatrical performance, the arrangements make me shudder with excitement as I behold delicious reinventions.

6. "Hands On Me" by Vanessa Carlton
I’ve always loved Nessa Carlton and suddenly one day I woke up with this song’s demo version on my mind and remembered her third album was to be released. The album was reviewed here a while ago, but this is definitely my favorite song.
It's so romantic in a kind of bitter way, having a Carlton singing about an obsessive behavior towards a romance. Sounds familiar? Lol.
There they go climbing Tibetan mountains and crossing deep oceans, when they actually never met yet. And in the end when you think it's obsession enough, she goes and begs “just put your hands on me!” This desperation is both sweet and funny; and considering how Carlton has always been very centered on her love songs, I can't help loving such sarcasm.

5. "One Evening" by Feist
“When we started, both brokenhearted. Not believing, could begin and end in one evening.” Isn’t it the dream of everyone who ventures in dates and one-night-stands? The delicious thing of the song, however, is the fact she keeps herself very grounded on the following verses.

Feist became an instant sensation on my playlists; the same happened with Saint Etienne last year and Feist’s folk quality brings a sort of cynical Indie aura to me. The whole Indie movement is kind of a bore, especially because most Indies think they’re better than anyone because they love unmainstreamed things [even if they’re now the mainstream]. But Feist is thrilling with her soothing voice and wonderful way of arranging music. She’s nomed as Best New Artist from the Grammies, for this year’s The Reminder; but her solo career start is dated from 1999… that was so Indie of me. *hehehe*

4. "Belo Estranho Dia De Amanhã" by Roberta Sá
Although she's the only Brazilian Music representative on the top 10, for a period this year I have been addicted to samba and MPB. Roberta Sá was the main star of that phase; early in the year I got addicted to her first album and a while later her sophomore was released and what a marvel it is.
Bringing samba to a closer and more modern reality, on the Que Belo Estranho Dia Pra Se Ter Alegria album she proved herself as an exquisite performer and musician by showing she knows how to choose a repertoire. In both of her albums she sang songs by unknown artists releasing new composers on the market, or songs by already firmed writers but that are so rare that are practically new.
The song I chose is a delicious love song about forgetting all life’s troubles and stress and tapping to the simple and serene side of everything. By listening to it I long for such a love, one that makes me smile; better yet, it brings me hope that one day it’ll come along.

3. "In My Arms" by Kylie Minogue
The other day the ho and I came to the conclusion that we were never let down by Miss Minogue. Ever since I became a fan there was nothing from this woman’s creative and delicious mind that made me stick up my nose.
This year, after a delightful treat with White Diamond and the Showgirl Homecoming we had the excitement of having leaked some tracks from the new studio album. In My Arms came to me like a thunderbolt full of joy and hope. No longer kicking depression with dancing, this time she was coming filled with self-assurance and happiness.
Although it’s become tacky [but still is very common] mentioning her cancer every time she’s the subject, I can’t help saying that probably what she went through put her in a happier line in what it comes to her lyrics. Another track from her latest album, The One, is beyond romantic but in the end she goes and says “I’m the one, love me”, instead of “why’d you leave to find yourself, I can’t dance with no one else.”
Kylie’s top 5:
a. In My Arms
b. Please Stay
c. The One
d. Sensitized
e. Disco Down

2. "Today The Sun’s On Us" by Sophie Ellis-Bextor
One morning in Salvador I woke up with Murder On The Dancefloor pumping into my head and had an epiphany: “hey, I don’t know much about Sophie Ellis-Bextor!” Nah it was not so theatrical, I simply got up and decided to download her discography after I saw a comment about Catch You on a blog. From the moment I started listening to her music and studying her career I knew I was a fool for having neglected such wonderful and genius artist.
With elaborate and joyous beats Ellis-Bextor has a Minogue quality when she comes with dark lyrics combined with ingenious dance hooks and layers [give a try on Move This Mountain from her debut album, or The Walls Keep Saying Your Name from her sophomore]. But when she gets optimistic as in Today The Sun's On Us she's heartwarming and bright. I lost track of how many times this song lifted me up from depressive moods and dark times.
Sophie’s top 5:
a. Today’s The Sun’s On Us
b. If I Can’t Dance
c. The Walls Keep Saying Your Name
d. I Won’t Change You
e. New York City Lights

1. "Wanderlust" by Björk
Despite the fact that she’s the most ubiquitous artist of my year [just check out my last.fm] and that this was the year I became a die-hard fan, it’s this track from her latest studio effort, Volta, that best defines my life and behavior in 2007. I last year moved to Conquista in the high hopes to move to Salvador; and after six unhappy months in Salvador I returned to Conquista. And engaging myself in planed or last-hour trips I’ve come to know places and have a bunch of experiences that fulfilled me in ways that were very new to me.
This song, with its sometimes scary brass section became a hymn to my new desire during my trip to Rio de Janeiro. Sometimes putting comfort aside and following intuition, I’ve come to see and feel things that pushed my own nature and brought self-awareness and reinvention. This song is definitely the best way to describe a fully colourful 2007.
Björk’s top 6*:
a. Wanderlust
b. Bachelorette
c. Unravel
d. Isobel
e. Possibly Maybe
f. Dull Flame Of Desire [with Antony]
*because I couldn’t help it.

Honorable [very late] mentions:
- Once Soundtrack
The one movie this year that touched me to the core. Every and each song of its soundtrack makes me teary eyed, but indisputably romantically hopeful. Highlights are: Falling Slowly, When Your Mind’s Made Up and Lies.
- "No One" by Alicia Keys
For me “No One” felt like a one-day wonder, one morning more specifically.
- "What Goes Around… Comes Around" by Justin Timberlake
Justin “Hot” Timberlake was very present early in March – but what comes around…
- "Thinking About You" by Norah Jones
Somehow she’s always around during my year.
- "Lenda" by CéU
Genius experimental Brazilian music. CéU has the voice of an angel combined with fierceness of a woman not afraid to try new things.
- "Grace Kelly" by Mika
Alright, he is beyond annoying now, but I really enjoyed him back in May.

The Songs Of 2005
The Songs Of 2006

My Celluloid Women

Here are the top 6 movie women that made my year marvelous in different ways.

6. Anna Scott [Julia Roberts - Notting Hill]

There she is, the greatest star in the world; maybe the face we all can't forget. And out of nowhere she gets in an unattractive travelbooks shop and lives are changed. This marvelous modern Cinderella story made me cry unashamedly on some of the darkest days of the year. Roberts' performance was both heartbreaking and lightful, portraying the poor celebrity with marvelous dignity. If in the past I felt more like Hugh Grant's character, today I'd be definitely Miss Scott - hyped but unloved. The beauty of the movie lies on the feeling of possibility that fills the air as you watch it. As Björk would say "all is full of love... your doors are shut."

5. Regina George [Rachel McAdams - Mean Girls]

"This girl is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut!"

Those who had seen the movie know what I'm talking about. But for the newbies I'd start with "Regina George is flawless", not because she really is, but because she knows she is and parades it! From all the evil self-indulgent bitches out there, Regina George is the most fun of them. With a notable beauty she goes beyond the hot shallow High School queen, becoming an archetype of a human phase. Of course there is some exaggeration on Tina Fey's genius script, but this girl is real, she's everywhere and [believe it or not] on every age field.

Of course that most of Regina's charm is due to McAdams's performance; you can see she's having the time of her life as the blonde adolescent who thinks she's the cherry on the top of the sundae. Her jargons and laidback confidence match adoringly with her [mostly] subtle meanness. As Janis says "she's a life ruiner", but as Cady says "she's like de Barbie doll I never had."

4. Elle Woods [Reese Witherspoon - Legally Blonde]

The best quality of Elle Woods is that she is good! "She may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag"... but wait a minute, that's the #5! Elle Woods is GOOD!! She's sweet, helpful, devoted and hardworker. That's why you totally don't understand why that ugly-piece-of-shit Warner Huntington III breaks up with her. "You're breaking up with me because I'm too blonde?"

Further on we end up reassuring ourselves that breaking up with Elle was the best thing Warner could do to her, because she then created one of the best icons of this century so far. The way her triviality is never judged and is actually sweetened makes you adore her right away and hate those who mistreat her.

Besides, she's a twisted feminist icon, funnily competing with Enid, the lesbian activist from the same film; although she follows the preppy blonde stereotype, she's the reinvention of the feminist one. But above a feminist, Elle is a humanist! The best thing I learned with her was to have faith in people. As she'd say "you might be surprised."

3. Miranda Priestley [Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada]
"Do you know why I hired you? I always hire the same girl- stylish, slender, of course... worships the magazine. But so often, they turn out to be- I don't know- disappointing and, um... stupid. So you, with that impressive résumé and the big speech about your so-called work ethic- I, um- I thought you would be different. I said to myself, go ahead. Take a chance. Hire the smart, fat girl. I had hope. My God. I live on it. Anyway, you ended up disappointing me more than, um- more than any of the other silly girls."
That's the worst thing you could hear from you boss right? Yup, we agree and there'll be no punchline here. Alright, I'm kidding! All I have to say is that no one could've said those lines better than La Streep with her Oscar-worthy performance as the most evil of the bitches: Miranda Priestley.
I'd say that she and Regina George are my favorite movie bitches, but what makes Miranda #1 is the fact that she's got reasons to be how she is; George is just a conceited teenager that is funny, hence we love her. But Miranda uses her meanness to keep herself where she is, on the top; and if she were a man everyone would say she's just doing her job, as Andy would say to defend her. The thing is that, despite the headeater behaviour, Priestley is a fine and perfect example of the modern executive women; and since we're keen to feminism, she's highly praised. That's all.
2. Lizzie Bennet [Keira Knightley - Pride & Prejudice]
Okay, I've written a million posts about this film and my Lizzie Bennet adoration. So, I'll limit myself in saying that the second Miss Bennet is still my favorite female character and that Keira is my favorite this-generation actress. I'm so damn happy she's got a Globe nod; I don't think she'll get an Oscar one, but I'm sure we'll have delicious red carpet moments!!
1. Bridget Jones [Renée Zellweger - Bridget Jones's Diary]
"Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs... Dad... Hi."
I loved talking about my Bridget devotion. But right now I lack inspiration! This year I've become her by drinking vodka at home and mourning the broken heart with tearjerking songs. But indeed I've said so much about Bridge that I'll just leave it for the ho this time.
"So beyond good and evil with me, that now I'm careless about being a spinster and a lunatic, if my life can be carried with at least half the joi de vivre with which Bridget carries hers. It also left me craving a snow filled make out session."
"Whenever I'm having a rainy day, it instantly makes me feel better."
"Behold as Renee Zellweger creates a cultural icon."
[Song: The Weather - Patrick Wolf]

The Personality Of The Year: Starlight

If this weren't the year of the Björk advent in my life, the previous post would definitely be about the woman who proved she has the force with her.
I more than promise not to turn this into a wow-she-beat-cancer blablabla, but it's inevitable to talk about this woman's strength without mentioning it. But I believe that in Kylie Minogue's case, although cancer will always have a way scarier tone than anything else, overcoming it wasn't the one prove of her strength. Anyone who knows her history knows that the force has been with her ever since she started.
It was there when she left PWL and looked for greener and freer pastures in Deconstruction; it was there when the greener pastures got a bitter taste and she moved for Parlophone, where she spinned around and we couldn't get her out of our heads. So, after the initial shock of hearing about that breast tumor I knew that the years of 2006 and 2007 would naturally come.

[Minogue in a display of strength back in the 80's: anyone who survived that hair would overcome even cancer.]

In 2007 the anticipated album X came out teasing the fans. In June some things started to leak everywhere on the Web and that gave us a delightful insight of what was to come by year's end. Differently from any-crap-else that had been leaking at the same while [hi Madonna!], Kylie's tracks were filled with electrified beats in the best Eletro-Pop/Rock style. But the interesting thing was that lyrics-wise she was coming with an unusual approach: optimism. Not shallow and The-Secret-slash-Oprah-esque one, but subtle and poetic good vibration.

And then, in [really] early November The Kylie Show was aired and she proved the rest of the world she knew how to pull a show, even better: she still can do it. We fans were more than used to it, after all we followed every step of the Showgirl Homecoming; but regardlessly, we were dazed by the beautiful work that little TV show was. Instead of doing a simple new-single-celebration gig, she homaged the grandiose TV bashes from the likes of Judy Garland and Sonny And Cher, as she mentioned.

Entertainment, parody, comedy, music, millions of cultural references, but above all an impeccable production, she kicked [one more time] the balls of the boneheads who insist to claim she has no talent, competence and depth. The sketches were genius with the sweet Minogue playing a bitchy diva Minogue, but the tone was so jocose that it felt like she was saying "if I were a bitch, at least I'd be a fun one". As for the musical numbers... I can't say much about them, for if you ever get interested you should run on YouTube and search for the marvels that are Tears On My Pillow, The One, I Believe In You and Sensitized. [Or obviously just click the links.]

[2007, Minogue riding the X bull showing the strength of her figures, as we're riding all the way to bonner-land.]

And then finally came the album with those beautiful pictures and artwork, bringing the 1980's back in a way that felt more glamorous than simply imitative, as the ho said on his review: "Kylie Minogue's tenth studio album sounds as if someone travelled to the 8os, made a record with twenty first century knowledge and came back to show us how brilliant futuristic retro can be. It is a celebratory experience of a woman who has made it through two decades in the music business, survived cancer and has never lost the will to make pop masterpieces."
And, by the end of this year if you look back and see how much have been accomplished by this woman only in these twelve months you still will be surprised to know that there's an upcomming world tour next year. Wait a minute, will you? I would only be if among the venues were the Maracanã.

[Song: Stars - Kylie Minogue]

The Year Of The Bird: ...Getting To The Core

"The inner or deep part of an animal or plant structure."

Back in 2004 I had downloaded a recently relased album, by an eccentric artist from a quite unspoken European country. Few of her discography and history was known by me, who was simply enjoying the different and quirky sensations those fourteen songs used to bring me. Those weird vocals and dark uncommon beats really captivated me; until I made the mistake of wanting to know more about that unfamiliar woman by turning to her fanbase.

I've always believed that the musical experiences, though being so grand that should be shared, are innitially personal. Doesn't matter if you hear people's opinions about an art, in the very end it will be your feelings and intuition about it that will define your position towards that craftwork. But sometimes you turn to people for the sake of sharing and exchanging, and you might find yourself not prepared for that yet.

In 2004 it traumatized in a way that made me ignore the woman's art for the following two years, until I decided to mature about it and revalue my impressions. I did it in my best investigative style and by the end of 2006 I downloaded her main discography [the albums and the released greatest hits].

So in 2007 it was sort of inevitable that a new G-d would be hailed on my altar. Paraphrasing another G-d's song "the bird has flown," and it was up to me to follow her trace and know her upcoming and previous paths.

The more I digged in, the more fascinated by her sense of naturalness and deepness I would become. From all of her works, I had started with the most "serious" and "dark", the one that was most likely to disappoint me because of its inconvenience; so I was surrended by the Bird's beautiful feathers and wings, but mostly by her straight flights to the core of everything and her voice. Her proposals of profundity and philosophical search for the beggining of things fascinated me more and more.

But the most important part of it all, was that it inspired me. Inspired me not only to do my own quest for inner structure of everything in life, but to share it with the ones around me. Discoveries are meant to be shared, if not they lose their power and beauty: "let's open up, share!" In the end "peel[ing] of the layers, until you get to the core" was a mantra that would possess me throughout the year. But it was the urge to share it that made me seek and keep looking for the Bird's name: Isobel, Charlene, Mother Oceania...

[Song: Wanderlust - Björk]

Lies

In a very considerable time a movie and its soundtrack didn't let me so immersed and in love with it. Probably the last time it happened was with Pride & Prejudice and Prime. But this little indie movie called Once grabbed my by the balls and the following words are stuck to my head; for nothing in particular, just because they and their melody are simply beautiful.

"You're moving too fast for me
And I can't keep up with you
Maybe if you slowed down for me
I could see you're only telling
Lies, lies, lies
Breaking us down with your
Lies, lies, lies
When will you learn"

[Song: Lies - Glen Hansard]

The Forgotten Item

I said that I would forget something and I did... and I did forget probably the most stupendous thing that happened this year.

17. Rio de Janeiro

A million shits happened before it but in the end turned out to be the best trip I did to date. I spent a week at the city we call "Cidade Maravilhosa" and almost everything I've heard about it was confirmed. The smart and funny people, the hot weather, the breathtaking sights, the hot men... all was there for me to see and drool on. And the violence, the thing people warned me the most, wasn't a bit close to anywhere I went; not the Rio is a safe place, I guess I just went lucky.

I made nice friends there and hung around with Alais at beautiful historic and modern places: Santa Teresa, Laranjeiras and Lapa, the artistic neighborhoods; Copacabana and Ipanema, the place with the hottest shirtless people; Leblon, the fanciest place I've been; Cinelândia and the old downtown, the most charming neighborhoods I've seen so far.

Also in Rio I saw live one of my favorite singers, Roberta Sá [brunette on the pic] in a pocket-show that felt like a true carioca event: close-to-people but very glamorous and hype. The connection between the audience and Sá was inevitably delicious, considering the stage was actually part of the dancefloor separated for the band. She played favorites such as Mais Alguém, A Vizinha do Lado and Samba de Um Minuto; but the highlight was when she sang Fogo E Gasolina looking straight at me!!!! I died a million deaths at that singular moment. Later, after the show, I and Alais went backstage for autographs and pictures; Roberta was nice and gentle and signe the hundred autographs I was charged to ask.

Next year she's going to Salvador. I hope it's not in Carnaval, because my wanderlust will take me to the farthest place till then: Rome!

[Song: Mais Alguém - Roberta Sá]

The Highlights

Hereby I list the best moments of a very good and rollercoaster-esque year. [It's not in importance order.]

1. The Reveillon

On the very first day of the year I lost my brand new cell phone and got really stressed. But I didn't let it get me down, and appreciated the fact I was camping for the first time and having mostly a good time with one of my best friends.

2. The Cigarette Club

Purki, Nalim, Naiara, Bel, Mônada, Marco, Tcheus... later in the year: Loli, Ana Clara, Diego... amazing friends I've come to bond with, cherish and love most dearly. From drunk nights at deserted roads to fun time at motel jacuzzis, these guys made my year wonderful.

3. The Comment Guy

I don't wanna talk about him... do you wanna hear about him? Well, if you do just click there.

4. The Heartbreak

Gave me dreadful moody days but it didn't kill me, which means it made me stronger.

5. Salvador

The place I desired last year and the one I ended up despising this year. Nah, that's too dramatic, I don't despise it - but figured it wasn't exactly the place for me... at least not now.

6. UFBA

I spent six good months learning a lot and having fun with lovely people. But the best thing UFBA gave me was the assurance I didn't want to study Literature. Don't get me wrong, I still love it - but there I realized that my calling is Journalism. So here we go again...

7. Nave

The wonderful Indie party that makes me dance from 10PM to 7AM!!

8. Nina

The one I miss the most in Salvador.

9. Björk

Comments on her later.

10. Bridget Jones and the Depression Movies

The first semester was lived as a Bridget Jones reenactment. I spent days locked indoors stupidly mourning a broken heart, drinking vodka, smoking like a chimney and watching depressive movies. The first Bridget Jones were once watched everyday of a certain week; Moulin Rouge and Notting Hill made me cry like never; and Pride And Prejudice is the one movie that makes me cum and cry at the same time. In the end it seems ironic to call such depression as highlight, but they inspired me to write abundantly on this blog.

11. The Kylie Minogue Week

The commemoration of Kylie's 39th birthday took form here as a successful week of posts about the Aussie G-d. Some of them were written by four hands [the ho's and mine] and all of them were delicious things to do.

12. The Ho's absence

Cos it made me love and cherish him even more.

13. Moving back to Conquista

Returning to where you started from isn't exactly decaying. Living alone in Salvador made me appreciate even more the moments I have with people; missing human touch and care made me see the many faces of loneliness... sometimes they're like Renée Zellweger or Keira Knightley or Julia Roberts or Audrey Hepburn. But surely they sound like Possibly Maybe and Unravel.

14. Getting high

Well, I know it's politically incorrect to list it, but I had wonderful moments under influence...

15. The wanderlust

I travelled a lot this year, more than ever. And I'm just getting started...

16. Alais
The girl with a wanderlust bigger and older than mine that I never get tired of running after.

And I'm probably forgetting something... but surely I all I do is thanking - these things definitely put me in a better place.

[Song: All Is Full Of Love - Björk]

Close To The End

As December flies desperatedly I realize I must start moving my ass around my year auto-analysis. The dramas, the things to praise and thank for, the music, the movies.

I'll quickly start with the movies - I decided to download the Oscar buzzed movies and the first is indie musical-drama Once. I downloaded the soundtrack earlier this week and despite its very Damienriceness I don't feel suicidal when I listen to its songs. A couple days ago I saw the trailer and it gave me chills, so I'm already anticipating the screening.

[Song: Gatekeeper - Feist]

Declare Independence

Shabby video considering the two genius involved; but still one of the best songs of the year.

Queer

Yesterday after I left the beauty parlor for a hair straightening session I stopped at a traffic light and a little girl approached the car window to sell a candy [very common thing in this country and soon-to-become in this town]. When she looked at me she starred kind of startled and asked "you man or woman?"

In other circumstances I'd play the bitch and turn my face away. But instead of [evil] infantile sass, in her eyes laid a sweetness and a honesty that left me speechless, remaining only a smile as remark.

I then realized this current androgyny of mine kind of pleases me. Firstly If it didn't I'd have thrown it away long time ago. Then I think that somehow it suits well my personality, since my thoughts are rarely sterotyped with society[ies] tendencies and free to change and take new forms. Your hair is the first physical sign of your way of thinking; when people see my long hair and its irregular haircut, the initial shock gives place to the thought of weirdness; which honestly is what I seek adopting such looks. Dressing and wearing your hair differently from the rest of people don't make you any different if you don't think and behave differently: every external change must come from internal ones to have depth.

So now, I sort of resent not having bought that girl's candy, because she kind of switched on such reflection in me. But thankfully life's crazy, maybe I'll end up meeting her another time.

[Song: Fumbling Towards Ecstasy - Sarah McLachlan]

I just got an email that says:

"Kylie says 'The KYLIE‘X’2008 tour will be a look to the future but will definitely include favourites alongside the new. I can’t wait to share it with you next year! See you soon!"

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE this woman!! "The favourites alongside the new" is so yummy and gives me such a fuzzy feeling.

[Song: The One - Kylie Minogue]

Coming Home

It would be way too foolish of me to say Vanessa Carlton's new album is genius; even if I'm completely in love with it.
If Be Not Nobody was gloomy like Winter and Harmonium was luminous like Summer, Heroes & Thieves feel content with the moment. The first difference I noticed in H&T is that instead of a collection of songs, it feels more like a body of work, a story being told; that isn't notable only by the lyrics, but the melodies and arrangements feel like such - as if Carlton spent more time constructing music that feels like chapters in one's life. The best part is that it isn't anyone specific, so the connection with it isn't so difficult.
Nolita Fairytale feels right from the start as a wake up call. The literary feature of the song gets even cuter if you consider the fact Nolita is the neighborhood where Carlton has been living for at least the past two years, the period of time she describes in the song. But as I said, it's not only the lyrics that remit you to a moment of epiphany: the song with it's cheerful drums and piano and sharp percussion feels like a morning reverie.
So sweet that when you get to the second track, the amazing Hands On Me, you already feel it as first thoughts in bed. The magnanimous string section combined with the down-to-earth and urban-esque piano and percussion transmits you to a feeling of seriousness that matches with the fierce emphasis she imposes on the lyrics.
Then Spring Streets comes about a mother-daughter relationship, but in general it's about growing up and learning about life with life. And that's, in my opinion, the beauty of Carlton's songs. 27-year-old is almost the end of the second decade of one's life, but it's like the begining of adulthood, especially in today's world where people seem to grow up faster, but mature later. So, Carlton's song feel like songs made for people in their 20's done by someone in her 20's. All that in a humbleness that is part of Carlton's charisma; there's no patronizing in her lyrics and messages. And at the same time, it's lovely how the melodies and arrangements transmit the maturity she already has.
There's a charisma in Carlton's songs that goes beyond the innovative; in her three musical installments she had delivered songs that somehow feel similar in the pop piano aspect, but are able to bring different feelings to the listener. The other highlights for me are Come Undone, the country-ish The One (with Stevie Nicks), the title track Heroes & Thieves and Home.
[Song: More Than This - Vanessa Carlton.]

Pay 1, Eat 3

Clara, Purki and I went to a sushi restaurant where they hold, every Tuesdays and Wednesdays, "sushi in abundance", that means: you pay and you can have as much food as your lovely stomach can handle; in Portuguese we use a little cute [this is ironic] word called rodízio, and of course it's untranslatable. We have rodízios for everything - barbecue, pizza, ice cream, sushi etc.

I didn't have money of course, nor Clara, just Purki. So we decided to order one rodízio for three. That obviously isn't allowed, so we were outlaws for a night. What's so special about this report? Nothing... just little nice things you can only do with friends.

[Song: Sensitized - Kylie Minogue]

The Poser

When I have a band... one day when I'm tough enough to kick my laziness and get a voice coach, I'll have a band just like that! The delicious poser attitude and the hot members are all I need to rock da house.

The Hunter

It's taken me a month to finally be able write about my experience with Björk in Rio de Janeiro. This block isn't new or fruit of a lazy mind. Every single day when I listen to her I review the concert in my mind and feel all the shivers and rushes that that whole fatidical day in October caused in me. Who would know that after so many destiny bullies I'd spend 12 hours in a line to see the Icelandic birdie?

Actually I knew, the previous month was spent planning and dreaming about that October 26th and right early in the morning, Artur [my carioca friend and cicerone] and I left our friends' house in Tijuca and took the subway to Cinelândia [Rio's downtown]. There we had breakfast and walked to the Marina da Glória, where the concert was being held. Findind already 7 or 8 people there, we placed ourselves at the queue so we'd reach our goal: standing by the stage in the very front of Björk, so she'd hear us whenever we said we wanted to do her at anytime and place she wanted. Then we spend sharing live shows experiences, sheding our love for Björk wondering if she'd arrive by bike, submarine or pedalinho; there was also the famous Ivone Kassu, a woman we had no idea who was but the fact she had a line only for her guests to the festival - in other words, we were all dying to know who she was and to befriend the bitch.

At 8pm I was all cute and settled at the place I wished - right in the middle of the stage where her mic stem was placed, - but in the foray to get in I got lost from Artur and he ended up being a meter or two away from me; but I wouldn't move out of that place. How could I? Antony And The Johnsons's concert started half an hour later and it was a bit disappointing. Feist had cancelled all her left concerts in Brasil due to a labyrinthitis crisis; so they put Antony to substitute her at the other stage, hence his concert at the Tim Volta stage was 30 minutes long, plus the sound wasn't so good and the lighting awful. He at least was very nice in his timid way and sang The Crippled And The Starfish. Antony and The Johnsons are formed by a cello, guitars, a violin, a viola and Antony's piano - a band that mostly plays in theatres, so I loved when he said about the Tim arena "it's very interesting to perform in a place like this. It's like singing against the ocean."

That was such a Björk-esque line that I in the end didn't feel guilty by feeling a bit satisfied that his concert was that short. The anxiety to finally see my latest G-d live was starting to burst out through my years and mouth, in opposite to the ease I felt the whole day. As the holdies set up the stage, we could see Mark Bell and Damian Taylor setting their programming and electronic tables. Suddenly all the lights went out and the all-female brass piece, Wonderbrass, came performing the instrumental intro, Brennið Þið Vitar, instantly followed by the marvelous Earth Intruders.

Like mother Oceania, I blinked my eyes and there she was in front of me, all pretty and petite with her golden xmas-wrap dress and golden-glittered forehead. It was uncontrollable; the long shrill that left my mouth was simply uncontrollable - she was there right in front of me and I still couldn't believe my eyes. Right after came Hunter with its brand new mettalic beats and horns [instead of strings] section, and I noticed when she went down and picked something on the floor and hid it in her dress; by the end of the song she simply conjured a web... I cannot describe it, you'll have to see it for yourselves [on the video above].

And my orgasm went higher and higher as she gradually sang Pagan Poetry and Unravel [a song I'd never dreamed in seeing live], Jóga, Army Of Me and I Miss You. I couldn't stop moving and when my Marina da Gloria's theme, Wanderlust, was performed I was static and openmouthed. And when came HyperBallad - I knew the end was near. She sang the first verse of HyperBallad and then put her hand to her ear and beaconed for us to sing - she surely noticed we were singing at the top of our lings every single track from the setlist. So the rave began and along came Pluto and I wasn't myself anymore! I felt like a maniac triggered by those industrial beats and green lasers; I wouldn't stop jumping, but all around me no one would! Who dared was automatically moved by the crowd!!! The brass section gave an even scaried tone to the song. And as soon as it started it ended.

I was high on rapture, I still couldn't stop screaming! Some people around had tears in their eyes, but I was too hyped to cry. We all knew she'd be back for an encore, so the whole arena - more than four thousand people - started stomping our feets on the floor making a lot of noise for her return. And she quickly did and after presenting her fellow musicians they played the highly anticipated Declare Independence. I just have one thing to say: I DIED!

Artur met me later at the same spot I spent the whole show. I still couldn't move out of there, I couldn't leave that place! It was like I had this desperate desire of having her back! My throat was sore, my voice died with my body, because I was only standing due to inertia. So we left the arena sorethoated, full of Björkian confettis in the bags, 4 reais [5 dollars] poorer because of a bottle of water, but with a huge and happy afterglow.

...hence it felt as a dream comes true.

[Song: I Miss You - Björk]

Current Favorite Music Ladies Top 6

With a gloomy and cloudy day outside I suddenly woke up with a feeling I didn't have in a long time: introspection. Ever since I moved, most of my days were filled with nothing or not-exactly-fulfilling activities, but outside in the hype of the streets and between my lovely eloquent friends; today I don't feel like going out, apart from the Cinema Week that is going on in town.

So this moodiness made me feel like writing anything again; go beyond the thematic and just write about anything I want. And since I'm always writing about music here, here goes the list of the top 6 artists I'm listening the most. Not so surprisingly they're all women.

6. Juliette And The Licks

There's an awesome aura of coolness around Juliette Lewis and her band that they inspire me. I had to buy ribbons to imitate the lead-Lick's indian style. Plus her raspery voice and delicious posture as a rockstar makes me want to have my own band. *giggles* My favorite songs are 20 Year Old Lover, Bullshit King, American Boy and Hot Kiss. "Lover" and "King"'s dialogues by the end of the songs thrill me to the bone with its sass and rhythm, showing an attitude that is mesmerizing.

5. Britney Spears

"It's Britney, bitch!" Okay, I only have one thing to comment about this: who'd ever thought that in the worst moment of her career and life, Miss Spears would manage to release such a great and genius album?! Say what you want about the vocals, but this album has amazing beats and hooks... who cares about the lyrics? Radar and Get Naked are pure delight!

4. Kylie Minogue

There's this woman in Brasil called Erika Palomino who is told to be Brazillian's Anna Wintour; she's the best fashion reviewer, the one who all the models and designers want to be protogé of, the one who's the trend spreader... anyways, one day she was invited to a chat on a website and somebody quentioned her why wasn't she talking so much about Madonna anymore. Palomino replied that Madonna now was in another area in which her personal life was more important and she wouldn't become The Sun and publish every little thing Madonna said or did, "besides, it's Kylie Minogue's momentum!"

I couldn't agree more. Ever since the Showgirl Homecoming Kylie has been heating up the vaults of anticipation with her upcoming album. Early in the year several songs leaked and we had the pleasure of knowing the marvelous In My Arms; now 2 Hearts is everywhere and soon we'll have the full album in our hands. It's already leaked... but while I wait for The Ho to finally sending me everything, I feed my addictions to the following top 3 ladies.

3. Vanessa Carlton

Heroes & Thieves is such a singular and sweet piece that it could not be done by anyone else than Miss Carlton. Its body is more than the collection of songs that Carlton's previous albums felt like, and though at first you might twist your nose and think that it's more of the same, you'll be totally wrong if you stick to that idea. In H&T Vanessa is in her best shape as a songwriter and arranger, bringing songs filled with breezy percussions and drums always sided by her sweet and inspired piano. The lyrics are other joys to notice; her poetry is filled with even more honesty and imagery. My favorite ones are Hands On Me, My Best, Come Undone and More Than This.

2. Björk

Uhhh... is there anything to say about my complete fascination and addiction to this woman? After the concert I attended I have been unable to write freely about my experience, as if it's too overwhelming. But it's coming out, especially now that I'm discovering even more genius stuff by this G-d. Whoever uploads me the whole Family Tree collection I'll owe sexual favors forever!

1. Feist

[That's my favorite pic of Feist's, I'll definitielly imitate it.] If I'd known Feist before the Tim Festival I would've undoubtedly bought tickets to her concert and stayed beyond pissed when she cancelled her gigs due to labyrinthitis. Her sweet and somewhat hoarse vocals are enough to charm you and make you feel like you're in love. Some of the lyrics are pretty melancholic, but are arranged so beautifuly and yet very minimalistically that it's impressive. Right now I'm beyond addicted to her sophomore album, Let It Die, which features marvelous self-penned songs such as Gatekeeper, One Evening, Mushaboom, Leisure Suite and the tittle track, plus wonderful covers like Inside And Out and When I Was A Young Girl. I'm getting into her latest album as well, The Reminder; Sea Lion Woman is my favorite - one of the best arrangements ever done!

"You Can Be Henry Miller And I'll Be Anaïs Nin"

As Miss Feist has been telling to my years lately "the saddest part of a brokenheart isn't the ending as much as the start."

It's very cliché to be all melancholic after your heart is broken, and I can't even say if mine actually is, but once the "feeling of possibility" is dead you have to figure out ways to cope with that loss... because even if most of its existence was only in your head, it's still another thing of yours you'll not have anymore.

So on the last two days I've been on my bitchiest mode ever since comment guy, and guess why... a guy. There were no despressive period this time, because once I saw I was still able to leave the danger zone I made my path backwards. Hence the bitchiness. I realized that being bitchy towards the source of my afflictions is a good way to impose myself to myself. Being blasé keeps me from wondering of shoulda woulda couldas.

Last night it was clear to him I was particularly bitchy with him. He asked me why today... I obviously was evasive and said that it would soon be gone. Well, that is true... but why sheding my pride by being utterly honest and exposing even more my weakiness? Falling for an ideal - a wishful thinking - is very beautiful in arts, but in real life is tiresome. Playing the bitch with a good friend because you wrongly fell for him isn't exactly my ideal of pleasure, but for now it's necessary and it's being done.

Today's mood is better than the last days', but I don't know how long will the bitch mode will last. After he asked I offered him a Feist song, When I Was A Young Girl, and considering the lyrics it was an elegant bitchy move of me.

In the end I go back to the Feist's line from the post-top and think there's no better words to describe the silly state of mind I'm in lately. I feel like giving up on romance... surely this won't last forever, but for now I'm just feeling tired. Once again...

[Song: Let It Die - Feist]

Welcome Back!!

...and this comeback sounds so lovely!

Isolation

"What’s running through your mind? Are you addicted to cynicism and doubt? Or any other dead-end thought patterns?"

And on the Friday, Dad and I went to a hotel-farm that by the very beginning felt like I was in a rehabiliation facility. I was miles away from town, no phone, no internet, no friends, no parties... and though I had a beer and rode a horse in the first afternoon and smoked as I always do, it did felt like detoxing.

Most of my days were spent with the finishing of my new favorite book Northern Lights from the His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman; I listened little to music - The One by "G-d" Minogue - and almost didn't watch TV. I ate a lot and heathily, didn't have a sip of any kind of soda and put my sleep in order. I missed the noise and eloquence of my friends... I missed a particular one more than the others... but in the end, all the silence and thinking did me greater than I imagined.

By the end of last night Dad was complaining of boredom, but it'd be too easy for me to admit my boredom and, pondering for a while, I said: "nah, I guess I'm feeling detoxed..."

Though I didn't pull a Paris/Nicole with a [fake] simple life, it felt sometimes - as I walked by the orchard - like I was back to basics... isolating myself to listen to myself. In the end, it's been a more than valid trip. An experience that will be repeated more often, without necessarily leaving town.

[Song: The One - Kylie Minogue]

Oh Boy...

A part of me has no regret at all for neglecting this space, because the amount of time I spend in front of a computer lately is minimum.... but another part feels deeply ashamed because I haven't been doing anything productive elsewhere.

The thing is: life has been too hype... and maybe I'm already starting to feel a bit tired. Time to reel in and start thinking. Maybe there'll be some writing coming from it, even if it's about old stuff.

[Song: Last Order For Gary Stead - Saint Etienne]

*dies*

Originally uploaded by DaigoOliva

This was in São Paulo... I'll soon start telling how my lovely trip to Rio de Janeiro was...
Björk was phenomenal... I still can't find words to describe.

Top 5: Music For The Road

Breaking my habit of only traveling by bus at night, Monday I came to Salvador by noon. The bus left at 30 past 12 and thankfully it had a conditioned air, because the heat was disgusting [the kind that makes you sweaty and viscous]. The night before I had got high, therefore I had a weird night/morning of sleep; but the point I'm trying to get is the music!
When I bought the Antony And The Johnsons and Björk's tickets I had planned in filling my mp3 player with their music and only, when the time came for me to go to Rio. Well, lines above you happened to know I ended up high and surely forgot to do that; but I'm glad. Coming to think about it I'd end up sick of them by half of the trip and the surprise of hearing the songs live must come fresh.
So in the bus, during my REM sleep, I played the folder with random artists and had wonderful trips. I've already posted about the sleep and music combo, how you come to have these crazy dreams and images flashing through your eyes, as you brain decides between sleeping and listening to the tune.
So, here follows the 5 tracks [+ bonuses] that gave me best dream-intros.
5. Gimme More - Britney Spears
Mhmm... I'd be wondering as well how could that catchy-but-lazy track by Miss Long-Time-Ago-Promissing-Pop-Princess bring good dreams. Well the thing is, to be in REM is like being under the influence of E and every little sound the penetrates your mind becomes powerful and dreamsome. Spears's track has lovely synth-details that woke me up to see that my hips were unconsciously moving.
4. I Talk Too Much [featuring Kylie Minogue] - Just Jack
Just Jack is the stage name of British singer Jack Allsopp. I never heard of him before the day his sophomore album was released and I happened to learn that he had a duet with my lovely Kylie Minogue. I downloaded I Talk Too Much from a Kylie fan-site and thought it was cool but didn't give much attention to it later, until I found myself having wild and crazy sleepy-imagery to Jack's rushy vocals, Minogue's acute and incisive voice and the wonderful horn samples from the track.
Note to self: download JJ's albums.
3. LDN - Lily Allen
Suddenly the lyrics came full and clear in my head and again the horn arrangements blew my mind away. Everytime I the song played I'd wake up to sing along, which is not bad cos this is one of my favorite tracks to sing along. It's pity I'm missing her show in São Paulo in two weeks.
2. Spell Of Desire - Kylie Minogue
This is one of the rejected tracks from Kylie's forthcoming tenth studio album. Produced by Mylo the
6-minutes-long song is a delicious fest of synthesized beats and spacebeeps [never as boring as Orbit's]; try to imagine this sci-fi atmosphere when you're half-awake/half-asleep. Like Sophie [Ellis-Bextor] would say I had to surrender to the party in my head. The wildest and marvelous abstract images became alive in my mind... but still not as powerful as the #1...
1. Stop Running Away [featuring Deborah Anderson] - Télépopmusik
This French trip hop group was presented to by the ho and now they remind me of Saint Etienne. Last year Jose told me to download Etienne and I ignored him; later I found myself addicted to the band.
When I felt I was waking up I forced myself to remain eye-shut, because the visions I was having shouldn't be erased by boring real imagery. It was Deborah Anderson's layered vocals on track "Stop Running Away" giving me the best dream I'd had in days. Suddenly I was a choir arranger conducting a group of fiveplets singing the wonderful lyrics, while I also played the beautiful and organic synths. No matter how thoughtfully I try to describe the feeling and sensation you will only know/feel what I'm saying after you listen to the track.
Right after SRA, came the wonderful Into Everything also featuring Anderson's sweet vocals but this time accompanied by marvelous beats and programming - and after the lovely surprise by its end I was all the into Télépopmusik's fandom-land.

Murphy Bullying + Prophecies

On the post bellow I underline my new relationship with htis lovely Murphy guy [fucker!]. Now I'll tell you good reasons for me to drama-queen.

It all started right after I bought the Björk concert's ticket. As I posted before, you've been aware of the fact I lost my wallet with all my papers and cards. It was more than a month ago and I still wasn't able to get new papers. I'm supposed to get a plane this coming Thursday. But this is not a case of lazy-Lucas-didn't-got-his-ass-outta-the-chair; the only way of getting my new ID card was my mom sending my birth certificate via mail. So she did it, and the Correios [the mail agency] seemed to have lost it.

We all got desperate because without that paper I couldn't get any other and no one can travel without papers. Last holiday dad and I went to Salvador and there he got another copy from the the certificate at the registry. Back to Conquista I went to the place where IDs are made and guess what! There was en error on that copy that the registry gave to my dad, and I had to check a number before being able to get the new card.

Two days later I checked the numbers and there was indeed an error. I got desperate, I had two ways: asking my mom to go to the registry and get me a new certificate and then sending me so I'd get the new card here - which would take more time than what I trully have; or I could go to Salvador asap to do these stuffs.

In a stroke of luck my mom found the first birth certificate: she wrote the wrong address and the Correios returned it to her, but her building's super - a very nice and lovely person - NEVER returned her the paper!! It was trapped inside a book for more than fifteen days and he never dared to look inside to hand it to my mother. Well she managed to find it and the second option is the most profitable since I'm going to Salvador anyway to get the plane. So I'm returning to the big city tomorrow.

Now the prophecies.

In July [or August - who knows] a plane from the TAM airlines crashed the company's building in São Paulo and more than a hundred people died. An exact year ago a GOL airlines airbus crashed with an american private-jet and fell onto the Amazon jungle; everybody died.

I'm flying GOL and am not a bit worried about this stuff; I don't think recent eventual misfortunes define years of safe air-traveling, and I'm absolutely not superstitious; but some people are saying that a new plane crash will happen by the end of October. And considering all of Murphy's flirting with me lately, I'll probably be on the plane or somehow involved, if it ever happens. If it's not anything with the plane, I'll probably be shot by a missing bullet from the traffic "war" in Rio, the second [or third - who knows] most violent capital of the country.

[Song: Pretty Little Thing - Freddi Cruger featuring Linn]

The Change Of Heart

I've been absurdly stressed. I'm to travel to Rio next week and still I wasn't able to get my ID card, without it I won't be able to get the plain, nor the concerts tickets. All the misfortunes that has been crossing my crusade are the paradigm of Murphy Law, but I still hope things will be okay in the end... I have to hold on to that.

But in this whole stress I've become a bit sensitive about things around; especially music that reminds me of twisted parts in my life. Lately it's been Brazillian g-d Vanessa Da Mata who's been startling me about the dark side of my joy.

Don't get me wrong. I'm far from going into depression land again, but suddenly the unfinished businesses of my life have showed themselves as if the red curtain was opened up. Last weekend was Children's Day, therefore, a holiday. Dad and I went to Salvador after two nights and a day in Inhambupe, his hometown. I saw my mom again, after a month since I moved back to Conquista; it felt like an eternity and I realized how much I miss her. That cunning ache to the chest possessed me as soon as I laid eyes on her; I wanted so much she'd go out with us but she preferred not to, probabaly because of dad. And on the Monday, after we dropped my sister home, I wanted to go upstairs and tell her my feelings; she still wasn't home though and I thought the chance was missed.

So, this morning, feeling terribly tired after another unsuccessful attemptive of getting my papers I drove home listening to Da Mata's Minha Herança: Uma Flor [already on the white-box] and the lyrics made me think of my relationship with mother. How I've been neglecting her emotionally and how probably she got tired to get close and seems now to be just accommodating with my coldness. And a fierce fear possessed me as the tears rolled down my face; a fear we'd become strangers, simply relatives who let the personality differences drive them apart.

The song however has optimistic lyrics and along with the fear came a deep and honest desire to fix everything; my heart wished so vehemently that I'd become a better son. My mom has been getting into so much [emotional] trouble lately, and listening to that song made me see how cruel and judgemental I've been towards her. I suddenly saw that by turning away and choosing not to get involved not even a bit with her problems, I've been positioning myself on a higher level than hers... and uhg I now see how stupid and embarrassing it is. Me Mr. I'm-Destroying-My-Ego... turning my back to someone who I should never do so.

All culminated in Woody Allen's Another Woman, and I found myself feeling like Gena Rowlands's character. In the end she decides to change... I guess I'm supposed to make a phone call.

[Song: Minha Herança: Uma Flor - Vanessa Da Mata]

Narcissism

I think I've finally come to the terms of my own beauty.

I never saw myself as a handsome person; at least not all the time. As adolescence was left behind and my face started looking even, not a Picasso painting, I started reckoning I like my countenance. But still I'm far from being a beauty queen and I like it.

I realized, a couple days ago, that my beauty isn't something easy to get. Not that I'm à la Ziyi Zhang, with such exotic features that you might strange at first, I actually have a pretty common face; but it's my personality that outbursts and enhances my physical features. And I simply can't and don't want to control that.

A person that barely knows me, told me once that I'm the kind of person who calls attention; whom, among a bunch of people, involuntarily stands out from everyone because my personality was grander than my body.

Rejection has been a long companion, but I never analyzed what could cause that. So, in a stroke of narcissism I've come to terms that it is not easy for a young gay guy to stick around someone who is so open about himself, his tastes, his beliefs. Even outted, some gay people feel the need to behave strict and straight; not that gay people has to follow a certain pattern of behavior, and straight people other, but when do we start behaving like ourselves?

Some guy I know is gay, but if someone don't tell you, you won't know. One day he had a skank and hash joint and start acting like Jack McFarland. Dropping the judgemental side of this whole speech, I remember the question the ho made me a couple days ago: "why doesn't anyone under 30 want us?" Probably it's because most of older men can already see beyond the silly rules of conduct ["don't be so talkative cos it's too feminine"; "don't be too eloquent cos it drives people away"...], and don't give a shit of what society will think.

Purki's got a boyfriend; one of the first things he told his beau before they start officially dating was that he, Purki, could offer no protection to him. Anyone who'd seen a guy walking too long with him would consider them as a couple; that because he's okay and open about his sexuality and had no intention in hiding that away.

In a small town's gay world things are even more tricky to understand; the colonial mentality prevent people from doing what they want and feel like. Purki also once told me that our clique tends to scare people away: we're too open about ourselves. He's right, we're too loud, we dress like it pleases us, we're too honest about our feelings and wishes, we speak loud when we want, we shake our asses when and the way we want, we drink heavily when we want; most importantly we say and do whatever we want whenever we want. Red also said that if you slap society on the face, it punches you back wherever it can hit. And damn yeah it hurts. But do I want to be a leader or a follower? A doer or a repeater?

In the end of these nonsensical rambling I realize this desire to be an achiever is part of my beauty, and I'm not prepared to put it off to please anyone else.

[Song: Forbidden Love - Madonna]