It's G-d's Fault.

I'm loving to watch the Olympic games on TV. I don't care about sports but the Olympic games are mostly fun, because it's not only soccer. But well, this Brazilian gymnast that was a promise of gold medal to Brasil fell to the floor on the last movement of his routine and lost all the medal hopes. To the reporters he said drenched in unstoppable tears [yes, it was like that cos we're dramatic even in Beijing]: "I trained for four years and have been through dengue, surgery, assault, car accident and got here well prepared but in the end I fell. I couldn't believe I fell, but I did... I guess G-d wanted that way."

Although most people don't have much conscious when they say such thing, it instantly remits to the "it's G-d's fault" thought. But I don't wanna go on that now, I wanna use what happened to the gymnast "to tell my story about a girl I used to know, always cried into her pillow..." nah it's about me again.

The city's Winter Festival happend this weekend and I was excited about because Luis would come to Conquista. Last night I learned from him he's not coming for he got a new job that needs him full time. I was planning, saving money and making plans... well you know me. But he's not coming anymore and it's very easy to say that G-d wanted it that way... but you see, although I believe he's not coming at the last hour is a sign of something, I don't wanna see as negative: so when I deeply ask myself what I should do, my inner self tells me a should move on and look for another chance with him - the most logical and practical one being: go to his city, pay a visit and see how things go.

For a long time I've been sitting here waiting for things to happen, and although I'm always struggling for not being exasperated I don't think that letting oportunities go is what I need. If until the end of the week I get things needed to go to Itabuna - that being: money and a beacon of his desire of me going - I will go to Itabuna by the end of the week, even if his new Strega-boss calls him the whole weekend.

[Song: Black And Gold - Sam Sparro]

"Say Goodbye..."

Here I go towards another life-changing trip.

Going to Italy isn't anymore a wanderlust extravaganza, Lucas is on the verge of the end of an era. When I return from Europe college will start and responsabilities I've taken on this first semester will be so real they'll be knocking on my door, demanding for action.

It all feels like growing up, but surprisingly or not, I'm not scared by it anymore as my Blogger profile says. I'm actually looking forward for maturity and all its implications. As for falling in love - well it still scares the shit out of me, and it seems I'm on for a rollercoaster ride again... It's silly to be deposit hopes in one place, but I'll be trying my best to have the best of funs in this trip to Italy and enjoy whatever kicks in. W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R!

Wish me luck and good trip y'all!

[Song: Chasing Pavements - Adele]

Miss Lucas Says

Yesterday I was feeling like shit, so I decided to watch a movie that would probably make me cry. I chose Joe Wright's Pride & Prejudice, it's a romantic epic movie - it'd help me to release my chest, plus there was a hidden intention that'll be explained ahead.

Bottom line is that I didn't cry, I actually felt even more restless as the movie ended. One of the things I mostly love about Jane Austen stories is that no matter how romantic they seem, there's always one particular character that brings you down to reality, the one who always punches you in the guts and kicks you in the ass. In Pride & Prejudice it's Miss Charlotte Lucas [played on the movie by the scrumptious Claudie Blakley].

Always put aside by Lizzie's mother, who never watches her tongue, she's the modest thing you barely notice, but once you get out of your egocentric shell you see how grand she is. On this last screening one of her lines gave me an interesting epiphany. But first a backstory.

Saturday I hooked up with this guy I've had a crush on for almost a year. It was never a hopeless crush because he lives in another town, so I'd only feel it whenever he came to Conquista to visit the friends [me and everyone else in my party]. On the Sunday we hooked up again and, minutes after he left the rock festival he came back to pick me up so I could spend the night with him - he was leaving the city on the following morning.

Knowing my mind you're probably aware of how I'm feeling right now. So, secretly I decided to watch P&P because I was feeling in a Jane Bennet/Charles Bingley situation. I'm shy when it comes to showing my feelings and guys - I mostly suck in coming on the boys and letting them know I'm wanting them. This guy, well, he's worst than me! So, at one moment, Lizzie and Charlotte were talking at the Bingley's private ball and it hit me:

"Lizzie [about Bingley and Jane]: I think he likes her very much.

Miss Lucas: But does she like him? Few of us are secure enough to be in love without proper encouragement. Bingley likes her enormously, but might not do more if she does not help him on it.

Lizzie: She's just shy and modest. If he cannot perceive her regard, he is a fool.

Miss Lucas: We are all fools in love..."

So Lucas [meaning me this time] what's next to do?

[Song: Mr. Donut - Saint Etienne]

Kabbalah Says

"Make a list of your desires. Put down everything that comes to mind no matter how small or how foolish it may seem.. [...] Without knowing your true desires, you don't stand much of a chance of attaining them. So be honest!"

["When you've done that, write next to each desire how you think you might feel if you attained it. How might your life change?"]

- To have a boyfriend that loves me as much as I love him. [Fulfillment.]

- To have a good relationship with my mother. [Serenity.]

- To be patient. [Duuh!]

- Think less about the 50million possibilities of life and work more with what I have in front of me. [I'd be less anxious.]

- To keep having wonderful and fulfilling friends. [I'd be more calm and sure of myself.]

- To be a famous artist. [Happy to show my truth for a larger number of people.]

- To see Madonna live. [That'd just leave me happy.]

- To go through Madrid withour dramas*. [Relieved.]

- To be less pessimistic. [Self-confident.]

- To be stronger and more willing. [I'd feel more alive and less bored.]

- To be less prejudiceful and more tolerant. [Would make me feel more open about my human relations.]

- To be as self-confident as I aparent to be. [I'd feel more honest.]

- To travel the world. [I'd feel wiser.]

- To help humankind more concretely. [I'd feel less guilty.]

- To do what I preach. [I'de feel even less guilty.]

- "To love and to be loved in return." [Once again: fulfillment.]

[Song: The Youth - MGMT]

July 6th, 2008

I'm gonna throw the wine bottle away, and the ciggies and the self-pity.

No more giving men more importance than they deserve. Self-confidence will be now grabbed by the nails and put in my arms; people won't only notice it, they'll notice and fear it by design!

Yes, this is a Bridget Jones moment and, since I'm every woman I'll be riding the bike until my legs die!

[Song: Ooh La La - Goldfrapp]

Funny...

... how nothing's under the control of our hands and mind.

This week I met a guy on the web. The stalking life seems to be working somehow and, although I'm as single as ever, at least I'm under the influence of my old foe-friend: the feeling of possibility. Hate it, but I'm addiceted to it - and sometimes it do me good; even if the possibilities apparently never take me to somewhere different from where I am, the journey is the main thing.

Anyways, I'm flirting with this guy whom I called to come with me to an event a friend organized. I gave him my number so he could confirm if he'd go, but my celly never rang and we failed to talk on the MSN whole yesterday. However, he was told about it, about my presence and about my will of him coming. There was still hope.

As night went, Lucas was having the best of the times every time he noticed that life was more-than my neurosis. There was so many long-time-no-see friends and so many new connections being made that I simply didn't have the time to fret about him, even if I was constantly hoping that he was there scanning all the faces searching for familiar mine.

Then funny and lovely things started to happen. "Woody Allen moments", as says the ho, like hearing from a straight friend that he thinks I'm so cool that he considered hooking up with me! Or listening from people I just met that the moment I walked into the room, the air chanded and stopped to watch me go. Lol, funny uh? Especially when my shyness kicked in trying to steal the show, then I knew my ego was floating. Not that I should endorse the comments that fed it gluttonously, but a good thank-you was enough, pretending modesty is the highest example of egocentric behaviour.

That takes me to another moment where a new friend told she had a friend that was into me, and asked me how should her friend approach me. Then I played the Madonna and said "if you wanna talk to me, that's exactly what you're gonna do, talk-to-me!" Okay not so dramatically, but basically I told her that her friend should come, talk to me and then we'd see where things would lead. She insisted on what and how should he tell me, and I cut the crap saying "ahhh I've got no idea!" And I really didn't, I don't know how people should approach me, they're the ones who should know that, I think.

Later, this friend and I finally talked about that [kind of indirectly] and she told me I always seem so self-confident and sufficient, that somehow, I scare people to the point of they not knowing how to taLK TO ME WHAAAA?! Am I self-sufficient! Alright I'm indeed self-confident when it comes to not giving myself up to please society bastards; but apparently that's more overwhelming to the rest of the people than I thought!

Bizarre ain't it? But in the end it's funny, because my friends and I had already been discussing that, but it was when someone I'm not very much in touch with told me that, that I realized how real it actually is. However, comofas*? Lucas certainly won't deny his strong balls to make people feel better around him. But then, maybe, it's me who should try to make them feel not so overwhelmed by me? Maybe, it's me who should come into the boys and ask them out?

FE-AR! lol

[Song: Fastlane - Esthero featuring Jemine and Jelleestone]

*comofas = "what to do?"

So Far Away...

We're all searching for identification. Real people don't like something because everybody else likes it, but because there's something about it that makes them connect to that. That happens with movies, for example, when people cheer for a certain politically incorrect character, just because there's something about him that tap to the real side of who's watching.

Today there was a generalized argument with my mother. It all started with my sister, than mother decided that she had also to fight with the rest of the family - dad and I however speaking our minds let her talk whatever she wanted, or in my case just walked away.

That moment I realized the point of identification between me and Madonna's song Miles Away. While everyone's connecting it to the singer's relationship with her husband, I simply pushed the easy concepts aside and waited for my moment of revelation and as my mom said she'd go back to Salvador, because living with my sister was impossible [but living with her is always wonderful], I came to terms that in spite of all the love I have for my mother [which she thinks isn't valid because it's not her way to love], we really have our bests when far away.

Not that I believe things will be better if she returns to Salvador; actually I'm a bit worried - I think she'll be more lost than here, close - but distance always seems to widen her view.

But when will mother finally understand she's not anymore in the position of coming and going?

[Song: Miles Away - Madonna]

Oops!

Yesterday I crashed the car. A bug, to be more specific a butterfly flew across my nose distracted me and I stepped on the wrong pedals and suddenly I was already on the back of the car in front of me.

Nor me or my sister got injured, nor the people on the other car, but ours [says my dad] got pretty fucked up. He likes to exaggerate this things; it's actually a bit irritating because when he wants to reprehend me he always speaks with this dull and supposedly calm tone that is filled with condescension. But deeply I prefer that cos I just roll eyes and pretend I'm really listening, if he freaked and yelled I'd be crapping my pants.

But what impressed me the most was the fact that when everything happened I was completely calm! I didn't freak, not even shivered or got into a quivering craze. I called dad so he would instruct me on what to do and all the conversation was very sober and normal, he told me the right procedure to the insurance stuff and blablabla. Later the cop came to register the occurrence and I was calm enough to flirt with him... some of my friends have heard what happened and showed up at the moment I was signing the occurrence and there was this mixture of preoccupation and hilarity. We all laughed of course, especially on the butterfly part.

Anyways, all this rambling... I don't know what this rambling was for. Meh I'm just telling an anecdote. zzzZzZzZzZzZzzzZZZZzzz

[Song: Loco - Annie]

Saint Anthony's Day

In Brasil its our equivalent to the North American/European's Valentine's Day.

The ho and I always kid that will do all the old spells people here like to do in this time of the year to catch a boyfriend; stuff like hanging the saint's image upside down in a closet until he gets us a boyfriend.

As usual I get majorly bitter at this date and this year is no exception. However I feel I'm more relaxed and most of my bitterness is just for the sake and the fun of being so. Not even horny I am today. Actually I just feel a little bit sick but it has nothing to do with the date, because I don't give a shit about V-Days. lol A holiday less to spend money on.

Me and my other single friends went to the mall to have some beers but I before we had a joint that left me worst than I was so I simply wanted to go home and shove myself into blankets. That gave me reason to be really bitter - although people insisted it was because of the day. But in the end, who cares about having a bf when I can have crushes as gorgeous as them:

[Song: Great DJ - The Ting Tings]

So You Think You Can Play...

I haven't mentioned before, but me and a couple of friends formed a musical-trio. We're the Egocentric-Hard-Porno and we are basically DJ wannabes. We already have a gig booked at a gay party promoted by some friends of ours.

Today we had our first DJing class and though the thing isn't as easy as we expected, for the style of performance we're going to do it is not so hard. Tired of the same electronica scene of the town we're to play some good and old pop music. With mindsets and tastes similar but very different in essence our setlist is to be very eclectic - so the usual 4/8 beat pattern from electronic music won't work with us. I ask how to mix Feist's Sea Lion Woman into Róisín Murphy's Let Me Know? So the result will sound more like radio setlist than a rave setlist [for example].

That sounds lame... and it is! But we'll be trusting in our good taste for music to make people shake down on the dancefloor... by simply playing the songs we would like to dance to!

[Song: That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings]

Good Times, Bad Times

Live with people is as easy as people living with us. Get the picture? I'm far from being perfect, but as I read on the Kabbalah daily tune-up, the thing isn't reaching perfection - we'll never get there - but striving for it.

Two months ago or so, me and three of my best friends did a photoshoot for a conference and the photos got bigger attention than what we expected. However, there's this kinda-unspoken common agreement, that even if the pics ended up being marvelous and people have liked them more than what we foresaw, the process of production was the most gratifying. That's a practical example of that cited on Kabbalah. But what to do when you're put on a test?

Last night I got deeply irritated with a friend's ego. His has got into the linepoking mine and even if I thought I was right, the fact that I got pissed and even thinking I am right is proof that my ego also reacted. "Listen, we all react. We aren't angels."

Although I think that abrupt reactions like arguing and looking for a higher tone than the other person's are useless, I do think that after a little self-analysis you should show that a barrier was surpassed, that [if the case] not only the ego was pinned, but a limit of was broken and the parts involved must solve a problem. Yesterday, I tried to show that with actions. My look stiffened, my voice got a darker tone and in a short time I chose to leave instead of exposing myself even more to what was bothering me - I chose to leave to not explode. That way, I still was reacting.

When I got home I was ANGRY! My eyes were so red I wouldn't concentrate in bullshit I put myself to do, so I went to bed. I went to sleep frustrated, angry with myself for not having spoken what I thought at the moment that happened, angry with my friend for being so thoughtless about his actions... so, there Lucas and his brain [aka ego] were reacting like a snake before moviment.

But today in the morning, after a surprisingly good night of sleep [considering the little pain I was feeling due to my recently pierced nose and ear], I woke up with Nelly Furtado singing Do It. I chose this song to wake me yp everyday because it gives me a sense of musical: when the leading girl wakes and gets up dancing around as she starts to prepare herself to the day.

As I got up and moved my hips as far as my sleepy body would allow, I noticed that I still had ego, but it was more worried with the piercings than with last night. And following the custom, I sat down here and read my emails and there the Kabbala Daily Tune-Up was waiting for me:

"Kabbalah isn't about attaining perfection — it's about striving for perfection. We are not going to attain perfection and then the world will change. The world will change when enough people strive for perfection.
Listen, we all react. We aren't angels. But if we are just aware and striving not to react, the act of striving and being somewhat successful at it - more times than not - is helping to raise the immortality rate for the entire world.
Today, put extra effort into proacting. When you see someone coming who you don't like, run towards them with love and acceptance. Do the opposite of what you normally do."

Maybe, June 8 has arrived earlier for me...
[Song: Shine - Estelle]

Orkut Says:

Today's fortune: Your dearest wish will come true.

I only hope so!
[Song: My Best Friend - Annie]

Crucial Moments

When do you know you need a life style makeover?

- When you wake up in the middle of the night having flashbacks of longtime gone health problems, such as: half-an-hour long unstoppable sneezing breakdown.

When do you know that you REALLY need that makeover?

- When your brain automatically blames the pate au scargot you ate hours before at dinner.

When do you know you're romantically desperate?

- When you have sexy-romantic dreams with a guy you don't even think is that handsome and you like it.

When do you know you're pathetic in that matter?

- When your dream-self knows that it's a dream, but you're so excited that you tell youself over and over that that is not a dream, it is real and happening and life will be beautiful from that moment on, because finally you've found someone who's not the ideal form you always hoped for but he's real, he's there, it's a dick, it's a hot dick that will make others envious... okay I cut it.

[Song: Shadows - Rufus Wainwright]

Fucking Shit...

Last night Purki cited a famous Brazillian poem that goes about dangerous liasons playing with our relationships. It all ended with "Lucas, who belonged to no one."

Of course he meant in a good way: Lucas is the free spirit. I AM the free spirit; the fact I don't have relationship craps to solve soothes me a bit, but it's fact: every shoe has its foot.

So duh, I'm feeling hollow inside because I don't have a boyfriend nagging my nerves. But the truth is I'm feeling hollow because I am hollow. My life is filled up with social life and crazy drunk and druggie nights, but I have no job, no school, nothing to do to be REALLY proud of myself and brag it around. So much that even with all the crazy stuff happening every night in my life, I don't feel like writing them here or anywhere else.

Lately I've been feeling that I'm living free spiritness in the most shallow way, always remaining in the surface of thrills, but never in deep knowledge of real emotions. So I find myself repeating behaviours I surpassed and now satirize [such as falling for Internet people], because I simply have nothing left to do!

So, yesterday I wanted badly to cry after Purki's joke... and today I got somehow exhausted. My body decided to ache and not work, probably asking not to succumb to daily beers and pool matches.

That way I decided to catch a bus to Belo Horizonte, Brazil's forth biggest city, and see Rufus Wainwright live. That's my official pretext, but maybe I'll stay there for more than a weekend; see and try new things and people, cause in a different commotion... let's see what goes.

[Song: Whenever You Feel Like It - Kylie Minogue]

Corraaaao! Wanderlust + Alcohol...

Ahh Itacaré! Piece of hell in the middle of the coast! Hot as fuck, but as they say "some like it hot". Stopped on time, where songs from 5 million years ago play as if they're the latest hits: "eu só quero é ser feliz, andar tranquilamente na favela onde eu nasci..."

There was Lucas mucho loco on last Friday night, heavily drunk, to say the least, and to two friends come up with the idea:

"Let's go to Ilhéus?"

"What... now?"

"Yes. But it has to be now!!"

"Let's go dude! Now!"

Nearly an hour and some arrangements later there I was in the backseat of a Pegeout 206 heading to Ilhéus! It certainly was the greatest madness I've done; but everything was chilled, we had enough money for a day and zero commitments for the weekend. However, none of these implications were thought, I just went with the groove and suddenly there I was in the middle of the Massal Mountains [a beautiful place as I could verify on the trip back], high on Shut Up and fogs.

Around 6AM we were in Ilhéus, we stopped at an apparently good bakery [note-to-self: "apparently" sucks!], drunkness was gone and we figured out what we just had done:

"What the fuck are we doing here?!"

Withou a single idea of where to stay or what to do, I suggested we'd go to Itacaré [a kilometers after Ilhéus], where at least there would be nice beaches to see.

Once there, we'd check into an inn with the condition of an air conditioning in the bedroom; despite conquista's heat, us plateus kids are not used to plains' heat, especially on the coasts. And the first thing to do after settling up was: sleep. Before fallin asleep I thought that that was the most extravagant nap of my life, and laughing of the whole thing was the least to do, after all shit was already done. lol.

It was a tranquil weekend, dispite the sudden isanity - but, for all the time, I was thinking and certified myself of the uncontrolled core of wanderlust. Even if other had sung the desire to move, I believe that none was as eloquent and genius as that Icelandic devil, with her highly opportune screams and that brass section full of energy and wandering life.

Obviously trips like these are filled with revelation and unexpected, but certainly good acts. The greatest kick of the wanderlust drug is the fact of jumping into the unknown, so the unexpected was embraced by 50 million arms. However, they're sacred - then, they'll remain in secrecy.

[Song: Tout Doucement - Feist]

Adieu Uli

Last night I posted on my movie blog about how every classic artist has been dying this year. During the night a classic figure in my life passed away: Ulisses, our oldest dog, got horribly sicky overnight and died this morning. Dad says it could've been a heart attack... but who cares?
Ulisses was a character! As young he used to be the bitchy thing that bickered whenever you approached him; he was carrying things around as if saying "hey, you came! look, i can carry things!" As he got older, he became the most blasé dog in the house: he loved us to pet him, but snarled at first, just for the sake of bitching. He had those low eyes and we suspected he was becoming blind, because he'd stare at the same spot for very long minutes. Still he was a lovely thing to have a round.
I shall miss him very much - especially because he was my most loved companion on drunk nights, when I'd get home alone and he'd already be waiting for me on my bedroom's door.
Rest in peace Uli.
[Song: Não É Fácil - Marisa Monte]

Hey Shorty...

...It's your birthday
We're gonna drink Bacardi like
It's your birthday...

It IS my birthday!! And 50 Cent dressed up and came as a nice boy to congratulate me - but of course he wasn't invited to the party, he'll die trying.

Pissing On Love

After I watched Jules et Jim, by the magnanimous François Truffaut, I started to think more fiercely about romantic relationships and how our perceptions of it are filled with conceptions infused in the genral speech ever since we start to get interested by knowledge.

I'm the guy who never had a real relationship for more than a week, or only the one who thought that was having. So, what could I say about relationships? I speak of them with the beautiful and cynical experience of the observer; though I never dated, I end up being the one who listens to almost all my friends' emotional craps. Maybe because I see a romantic relationship like any other one in life, in which you must give more than want to receive; maybe for [always] being the outsider with the view of the big picture; maybe for always being the bride's maid never the bride. ha-ha

Fact is that for alwats busying my mind with these thoughts and writing here or there about them, I started to consider a good idea to directly write about it - a book maybe - with the thoughts of a love pariah, that never ceases being an idealist.

[Song: Le Tourbillon - Jeanne Moreau]

Buy A Dog...

Cos even when he snarls at you he'll never refuse a caress or a kiss of yours.
*bitter bitch mode on*

If My Life Were A Movie

My mom would win an Academy Awards, hands down!

QUEL: another thing I've learned. You're smoking too much, a cigarette after the other. Is that true?
)( Lucas Silvertongue)(: lol
QUEL: is it or not?
)(Lucas Silvertongue)(: I smoked three ciggies today.

QUEL: son, do you love me? From the deep of your heart?

)( Lucas Silvertongue)(: yes.

QUEL: son, you're killing me little by little. My soul lives sad just because of that, I have no joy in being your mother!

...to be continued.

[Song: It's Cool To Love Your Family - Feist]