Conquista At Night

Tonight when I left to return some DVDs I looked up and noticed there was no moon; but still the sky was gorgeous. There was a bright feature like the certainty that above the clouds the sun still shines; except that at this hour it did through the moon.

Lately - and I forgot to add that to my yesterday's list - I've been watching sunsets with my friends and there's really no sunset as perfect as here's. Salvador has a similar one, if you go to the right place, but Conquista... anywhere is perfection.On these Spring nights the sky is pretty much an awesome view to watch, even in cloudy days like these [it's rain season as well]. Tonight I didn't resist and took pictures.

So, I hereby certify myself that whenever this town gets absurdly boring, I'll have nature to look at... even on my bitchiest hours.

[Song: Panic - The Puppini Sisters]

"Not Defined By Time..."

One of the weirdest/coolest things of living intensely your life is the fact that at some point you lose the sense of time.

Ever since I moved to Conquista I started having a life totally different from the closed-up one I ended up having in Salvador; I've been going out and meeting my friends and people in a daily basis and I've come to face a feature of this wild life I'm carrying: I, most of the time, lose track of time.

Sometimes when we get to the late night, feels like that what we did in the afternoon was days ago. My trip to the Chapada for example, it feels like an age ago, but it's been only a week; that twisted notion of time didn't happen in Lençóis [the Chapada], though. No matter how high or drunk I was I knew perfectly the time of everything, even not having clocks and watches to tell the hour we were.

They say here that when time starts to fly like this it's an Apocalypse sign. Of course I don't believe that, but if it were true I'd be glad to be living so intensely; but I cannot deny the pinch of nostalgia for the time when a day had indeed 24 hours and not only 4.

[Song: Hung Up - Madonna.]

Horses On The Road

Tonight after I drove Loli home I had a sight that usually doesn't impress me so much: horses were walking free and calmly by the road, tearing trash plastic bags in the pursuit of their nightly junk-food. That's not an uncommon scene in a small town like Conquista. This isn't exactly a small one, considering it's the 3rd biggest city in the state; but this place still holds in their people's [and animals'] habits smal town features.

Earlier this night I out of nowhere turned to my friends in one of the very well known café tables and said: "exactly a year ago, all I wanted to do was to leave this city."

The funny thing is that last year the vagabond horses would've also made me laugh, but I'd consider it as a sign of my contempt to Conquista; tonight however I thouht it witty and curious, like certain magical moments you behold in places in development. Or simply a change of perspective.

I love changes of perspective.

[Song: Today The Sun's On Us - Sophie Ellis-Bextor]

Weird/Good Things...

...happened today:
I didn't get horny with genitalia stroking;
I almost engaged myself on a threesome [but was kinda rejected];
I got strange vibes from a ghost;
I didn't give a damn for people who bullied me.
My conclusion: I'm frigid, unsexy, haunted and a better version of myself.
What's yours?
[Song: Unravel - Björk]
P.S.: Yes, I'm drunk.

Resilience

Last month Mariana and I were indirectly talking about The Cigarette Club and she said how she is never able to fit in a clique. I felt kind of sorry for her. Years ago cool would be if I'd never fit in, if I was always the poetic renegade nobody could understand; this sounds very romantic in an E! True Hollywood Story way. Nowadays one of the things that got me depressed in the first half of the month was the fact I didn't fit in. I'm not an easy person to fit in. I'm snobbish [the -ish is an euphemism], but also very resilient - this, surprisingly, can drive people away.

Mariana claimed she seldom finds groups of people with same interests and ideals as hers and that she doesn't have much patience to be so resilient. I guess that's where she sins [not being judgmental, just analytic], because we [thank G-d] will never find people who perfectly combine with us; actually I don't think that's her goal, but in such a world as this, being resilient is almost a must. Sometimes it's a problem, when you lose track of yourself in the process, but being able to be in contact with different opinions and tastes and visions is not only interesting but invigorating. Especially when they're sometimes very different from yours, that's a great ego test.

In The Cigarette Club we share similar points of view and interests, but like anything else we have different minds and that adds so much to the whole that it's beautiful; from a distance if you pay attention to a fervorous conversation of ours, you might think we're totally nonsensical - I'd rather call it stream of consciousness. The other day we were speaking nonstop like mad people for hours and as I lit a cigarette I looked around and realized how Altman-esque and Allen-esque we sounded. Nothing made sense, but everything did.

Humans need to be around humans; we need to share opinions and feelings, have decent intellectual and emtional intercourse. Resilience is genius for that.

[Song: One Day - Björk]

Que Será Será...

It's funny when you find yourself making plans that a while ago you'd think disgusting to do. When I left Marilia [in São Paulo] to come back to Bahia, my main goal was to live in Salvador; the interlude period in Conquista was dull and lonesome.

Then I moved to Salvador and have been living there for five months and all I want to do is moving back to Conquista. My dad told me a couple days ago something that I ignored a lot when I was obsessed with Salvador: "when you have things and can't enjoy them is a lot worst that when you have nothing at all."

Salvador has theatres, the great movies are always played there [and never dubbed!], I have more options of bars and parties etc. In the other hand I don't have friends, everything's too far and mainly no money. What's the point in having cool bars when you have no money or people to go with? Alright, you could say that the people trouble is easily workable, just go out and make connections. That's the main problem about that town, connections - very hard to do. Well, I know it's no excuse, I could only go out with them and nevermind their lack of warmth on the friendship field. But try to live alone in a big city with no real close friends.

After spending two months depressed and coming to Conquista for the school break I realized I might not have Volver on the theatres, but I've had a lot of warmth despite the cold winter weather. Here I'm known, not that that really matters, but it does make a difference. If one day I forget my ID and am ran over by a car no one will ever know until I'm missed for days. [That's beyond dramatic I'm sorry.]

In Salvador I study at the best university for the career I chose; Conquista's also has very good professors, but it's less famous. Dad also said that nowadays graduation could be done anywhere as long as your higher degrees are done in big-named universities.

All of these things were told before, but I was so single-hearted about Salvador I was evidently deaf. I do wish I'd heard him back then, but instead of falling in a remorse trap I'm trying to be practical about it and being what I was not in the past: reasonable. The problem with Aries is that we are very reasonable for certain things, sometimes very cold, and absolutely passionate about others. Especially big decisions.

So, the probabilities of me returning to Conquista next year are very real, it'll all depend on what happens this semester in Salvador.

...whatever will be will be.

[Song: Young At Heart - Joss Stone]

Far From Home

It's funny how sometimes you hear people on films or whatever saying their hearts and minds don't belong to where they are, or are not fully present at the moment. Funny because everyone can relate to that, but no one exactly knows how it feels.

As I returned from my Reading and Writing class I realized how disconnected and distracted I was. I did my way home probably in the same period of time I usually do, but I got surprised when I already was one block away from my street. I even reprehended myself for acting to spacey and distracted, since my neighborhood isn't exactly what you can call friendly and peaceful. But my thoughts soon flowed away as I came to conclusion I am having some kind of light banzo. [Ho, you'll now rejoice and die with this.]

Banzo is basically the morbid saudade one feels once apart from his homeland and culture. While saudade leads basically to melancholy, banzo is dangerous to the point of madness. Not that I'm going even more crazy, but the moment I got back to Salvador I haven't yet felt that I am here. Probably still affected by all the Conquista happenings [drunkness, heartbreak agravation by jealousy and then honest desire of healing, friendship reassurances, goodbye parties etc] I've become numb to the dangers of walking distractedly in a big city, as well to the fact I still have a paper to do, an article to write [actually had, although I'm sure the teacher will tell me to do it again], a big exam tomorrow in the morning and some bills to pay.

Coldly you can say my banzo is actually laziness, but I know it is not only that. In conclusion, I came to terms that although I'm physically here, my heart is still unraveled 500km behind longing for the moment when it'll be remended to the rest of the body. Although I'm not on the verge of a violent and unproductive reaction to my saudade, I'm already counting the days when I'll be leaving here again.

[Song: Possibly Maybe - Björk]

Lady Godiva

In the early Medieval she rode naked the streets of Conventry, being dessed only by her beautiful long brown hair; she did it so her husband would lower the opressive tolls imposed on his tenants. Legend has it that when she rode the town's main street, she ordered everyone to be inside their houses with all doors and windows shut. The demand was fulfilled, except by a tailor named Tom, who bore a hole in his shutters to look at the bare Lady Godiva. His punishment was blindness.

Well, I'm amazed by her because she did what no one could do during the dark times of the Middle Age, to soften the poor lives from Conventry. She sacrificed her image and dignity for the life of the peasants and impoverished people of the town.

Well... why am I Lady Godiva?

Suddenly I'm wondering if you-know-who is okay, if he's feeling alright; if he's not I wanna know why so I can help somehow... uhg I'm pathetic I wanna die. Nevermind my nonsense. Just mark my words: Lady Godiva will be good inspiration this month.

Rest

This weekend's Saint John's holiday.

I of course don't care about the saint, just the holiday. And I'm going to Conquista, try to relax a bit. My akita, Hercules, died on the Tuesday - dad is really sad, - I've been working like crazy for school - end of semester, - and I hate being penniless, I want dad's wings back.

The other day I missed my mom madly; to te point of almost crying. But when I got home I forgot to call her. She did it instead.

I finished my short story and it was great; I got a good grade from a Portuguese exam I did ages ago; I also did a very good Linguistics exam yesterday and can say I'm not gonna flunk in anything.

Wish me good trip.

[Song: Light Years/Turn Into Love - Kylie Minogue]

Nervous Breakdown Part Deux

I'm aware that things only happen to us when we allow them; for that I'm feeling extremely guilty. Today I had a Literature exam but I didn't go. I didn't have the head and excitement to study for my favorite discipline and leaving the house intending to go to school is a daily strugle. I feel tired of everything and dropping Literature has been a permanent idea in my mind. No, I don't wanna be a lazy ass doing nothing better than writing for free on this blog and other sites. I want to live on that, writing and getting money with it. So, maybe Journalism is a better option for me [?].

This month I drowned myself in a pond of melancholy. I've been feeling lonely and hating myself for that, because I allowed it to happen. Like a genuine Brazillian I stuck to the bad side of things and saudade just fills me with this emptiness. Since cheap optimism beyond annoys me I totally ignore people's shallow words of get-outta-there-and-get-over; everyone's willing to give an opinion when you open up your heart, but the amount of useless sugestions that come just make me wear my biggest billionaire smile and pretend everything's alright. But that mask is so heavy... I'm exhausted.

Salvador that thrilled me even in my 1st dark month [March] became a big blur from where I wanna run away as fast as I can. Maybe it's my money trouble but if I had money I'd leave here every weekend anyway; anywhere, it could be anywhere. Especially Conquista. Just a while ago I talked to Alais about how much I miss real human touch; I always knew this was hard to get here [big city big problems] but it I didn't expect it to be so challenging. Took a bite bigger than what I could chew.

My cousins came up here to spend the week and their presence has been both an inner joy and pain. Joy because I'm having decent emotional and intellectual intercourse, but in a few days they'll be gone and I'll be back to solitude mode. So I keep counting the days to the semester's end when I'll be able to leave town and see other things and people that might revigorate me. Yes, trusting on external things to make you happy is dumb... but I'm just the dumbest of people at this moment.

[Song: Reason - Melanie C]

Heartbroken Podcast

Uhg, yesterday at Portuguese Language Studies class we watched this documentary about... err... the Portuguese language. So, you all know saudade. Of course there was a moment they said about saudade and there was this genius fado band [Madredeus] playing this beautiful song Ecos Na Catedral. Well, I'm a drama-queen, therefore you know I cried. So, this is simply the mixtape for/from this heartbroken bitch. Corny? Sure! Care? Not a fuck. There are about 40 songs, download as you please or just note how pathetic I am.

1. Ecos Na Catedral - Madredeus

2. Where Does The Good Go? - Tegan And Sara [that's all you ask yourself when a love affair is over]

3. Lamb - Gorecki ["If I should die this very momen/I wouldn't feel/For I've never known completeness/Like being here with you/Wrapped in the warmth of you/Loving every breath of you/Still my heart this moment/Oh it might burst"... 'nuff said]

4. Spring - Saint Etienne [Etienne knows how to bring the most heartbreakingly optimistic songs]

5. Dreamsome - Shelby Lynne [it's from Bridget Jones's Diary soundtrack; whaddya think?]

6. Mr. Donut - Saint Etienne ["When I'm far from home/You call me on the phone/And tell me everything/That's happenin' in London/When I'm feeling blue/You call me something new/Another stupid name/That makes me smile..." *dies*]

7. Nothing Fails - Madonna [was there ever anything before this song was written?]

8. You're The One - Kylie Minogue [everything I'd like to say to...]

9. You've Got A Friend - Stacey Kent [wanna get cornier? Add some James Taylor on]

10. Jóga - Björk [the state of emergency]

11. Love Tried To Welcome Me - Madonna [who could've thought that Madge is usually drawn to sadness?]

12. Possibly Maybe - Björk [c'mon, you saw this one coming]

13. Samson - Regina Spektor [fuck, I'll cry again]

14. No Easy Love - Annie ["You rang the door one of a Sunday morning/Said that I was always on your mind"... and I'm still waiting]

15. Dull Flame Of Desire - Björk [one of the best romance stories ever written in song form]

16. How Insensitive - Astrud Gilberto [Vinicius de Moraes and Tom Jobim are G-ds]

17. O Caminho - Bebel Gilberto [try to be indifferent to this, even if you can't make shit out of the words]

18. Every Time We Say Goodbye - Ella Fitzgerald [do I really need to explain it?]

19. Legend - Nelly Furtado [I so much miss chilvary]

20. Qualquer Coisa - Caetano Veloso [simply beautiful]

21. Poney Honey Money - Cansei De Ser Sexy [simply cute... just giving me car memories]

22. Your Hands Are Cold - Dario Marianelli [Mr. Darcy and Miss Eliza Bennet... once again, whaddya think?]

23. Fallen - Sarah McLachlan [the G-d of making-us-cry]

24. Littlest Things - Lily Allen [hmm... now whole Conquista memories]

25. Valsa Da Solidão - Roberta Sá [read 17]

26. Aún Asi Te Vas - Belanova [this will always be one of my favorite heartbreak songs]

27. Put Yourself In My Place - Kylie Minogue [romantic crap #2]

28. Pecado - Caetano Veloso [this is ours ho]

29. River - Madeleine Peyroux [less corny than Taylor, but still, Joni Mitchell]

30. A Home - Dixie Chicks [oh and there's also country music]

31. Try - Nelly Furtado [*cries*]

32. Wish I Could - Norah Jones ["We met in a place I used to go,/Now I just walk by it for show,/Can't bear to go in without you know,/Wish I could,/Wish I could." *cries*]

33. Lovely Head - Goldfrapp [this one's so weird, yet so beautiful]

34. Peach Trees - Rufus Wainwright [my favorite song quote in the whole wide world: "Cause I'm so tired of waiting in restaurants/Reading the critics and comics alone"]

35. Destiny - Zero 7 [just wish this was true to me... lol, ho you know I can get even worst!]

36. Sleep - Azure Ray [the "I can't sleep, I can't speak to you" chorus reminds Saint Etienne's "I can't sleep/thinking of you constantly"]

37. Crazy For You - Madonna [romantic crap #1]

38. Dangerous Game - Kylie Minogue [*cries*]

39. Happy Ending - Mika ["This is the way that we love,/Like it's forever./Then live the rest of our life,/But not together"]

40. Gone Gone Gone - Madonna [*dies*]

"May, the 3rd"

Alcoholic unities: 0
Caloric unities: 0
Cigarettes: 0
[Holy shit, it's 6am! Why the fuck am I up?]

For the first time in this lifetime I'm back to Salvador, but not exactly present and happy. Yup, bla-bla-bla and whining on the dancefloor now. But after a weekend in Conquista, in which what was expected wasn't exactly gotten, but much more of what was thought was gained, return to my tedious routine definitely isn't exciting. But, what can I do?

May's resolutions:

- Delete daydreaming from my lexicon.

- Go out less, study more and save more money.

- To think about that person is absolutely forbidden.

- Get a fuck buddy.

- Keep last-minute-made, crazy and useless resolutions.

[Song: Possibly Maybe - Björk]

PS: You can see through the song that it ain't working.

"Eruptions And Disasters"

One of the things I've always thought as ultimate glamourous fun between friends was going to a motel just for the sake of hanging out. Last night I did it.

When we stopped at the motel's gate I had to reach my hand to press an intercom; a feminine voice talked to me.

"Sir, are you underage?"

*giggles* "No luv, we're not underage."

"Are you sure you're not underage?"

*laughs* "Of course I am luv!"

"How many people is there in the car?"

"Three, luv."

"Then we'll charge you an extra load fee."

"How much will that be?"

"$10."

"Okay."

"Are you sure there are three people in the car?"

"Yes, lady I am very sure." *laughs*

Anyways, as we got into the suite we were cracking ourselves with the tacky luxury of the place - okay, I was. The decoration consisted in cream marble floors, Barroque angels statues combined with Greek columns and Gone With The Wind-esque curtains around the jacuzzi. Our main intention was to be in the jacuzzi, to have some beers and smoke some ciggies. But I think I got more than expected as I felt that this silly harmless fun was reassuring our friendship in terms that got me a bit depressed.

No, we did no orgy dumbasses. But I felt a link with these guys in the same level I have with the ho and Alais, and I haven't felt such in a long time. Surely there are "crappy" feelings involved [you know what I'm talking about], but the reason it got me slightly down is that I'll be always going away and such things take so long to be built, and in an environment like a big city it may never happen. Not saying the country is better than the city, heaven forbid, but experiences I had in both places make me look at small towns with kinder eyes.

Once again, I will sure miss this place.

[Song: Possibly Maybe - Björk]

"All At Once Comes The Silence"

Some places have themselves enough to make you fall for them. Others rely on the people to mesmerize you. Conquista, to me, for a long time was either of those. There's nothing to do in this town and considering I'm mostly a total reclused snob I ignore its people as well. Until January when I became a better version of myself. These last three days in Conquista were marvelous.

Last night The Cigarette Club went out. The town, of course, had nothing to offer so we had to make it up for ourselves, touring on the city's bars and drinking heavily in each of them. The night before it started was declared to be the Drunk Night, but everybody's inner craps came along with the ride. No, no, no, no, no... it didn't become a boring group therapy session, but feelings were spoken and little steps were taken.

Around 4AM we all tucked sleepy into the car, listening to Madonna. Silence stood still. Hands were held, feelings were boiled inside all over again. Lol... okay, I'm "up in the mess of danger zone" but things here ain't exactly new, so the path is already different. Proposals were made, paranoias were relieved.

Yes, I will miss this place all over again.

[Song: Gone Gone Gone - Madonna]

Soft Like Me

Hey, do you wanna be

And don't you wanna be

Soft like me?

The best part of flirting is when you are totally cool about it. You know, you flirt you make your passes but fuck it if anything happens. Most of the times, I'm like that; last night I was like that. But instead of flirting around I foccused my aim in one target only. That, my friends, is testifying defeat. Well, sometimes not, but mostly you lead yourself to disappointments and deceptions.

Now's the shocking part: I'm not like that!!! Okay, I won't lie I'm a bit excited to make things work; but mostly I'm alright! Last night in Conquista I simply drove around town with my friends in the [unsuccessful] search of a nice party. However we had an awesome time; I was joyous and soft, simply moving from one thing to another with the only disposition of hanging out. Comment Guy was there and let's be honest here guys, I was thrilled that he was. Suddenly you know what I've been talking about.

Am I entering a very dangerous zone? Oh hell yeah of course! I cannot deny the moody days after February; but I believe that now I'm cooler about it, since most of my fantasies were torn two months ago I can say my eyes are more open now. But yes, it's a path filled with ambiguity and blasé moods. Count me in!!!!

[Song: Soft Like Me - Saint Etienne]

Mem Kuf Hey

"Esta semana encontramos a força emocional para se erguer depois do tropeço, para se levantar depois da queda, e para agüentar quando o caminho parecer insuportável."

As the hours to get the bus approached I could not help feeling this little anguish inside. Yesterday I had to come back to Conquista in order to fetch the rest of my stuff, my computer and my new TV; dad and I are travelling back tomorrow in the morning by car.

In my heart I was feeling this weight, this weird sensation of stumbling and going back to things I wish to let go. But, do I really? Everyone who knows me knows I am reasonable when it comes to facing [for real] the dramas; of course I do my scene I just can't help living a cinematic life but when time comes to face the facts I'm an iceberg. So now in my usual egocentric ramblings I wonder if things didn't let go because they simply can't right now or because I don't want them to. Being utterly honest: I still have hopes; which makes me even more pathetic and hopeless.

Madonna [kind of] said once about her 2003 X-Static Process song [from the American Life album]: "This song is about Jesus; about how we give men too much power; including Jesus. The more power we give to men the more fucked up we get [because we tend to lose ability to trust ourselves in order to worshiping an outside male figure]." I've come to terms that I gave too much power to this guy, placing him in such a high place on my standards. The problem now is not the guy himself being there, it's the things and sentiments he represents in my mind becoming a pattern to all my relations. Not his fault at all ["you brought this on yourself and it's high time you left it there"]. However, all this makes me remember a post I wrote four months ago. In it I said I wouldn't erase anything ["there is no such thing as regret"], but now I take it back. Sometimes I wish I could partially lobotomize myself to at least forget all the patterns and high standards I've incorporated and carry on with a daydreamless life.

Zohar tells us this week to pick ourselves up, clean the dirt and walk on. Pisces is often a bitch to make us fall, but it's up to us to fight against depression and getting up. I brough this on myself and it's high time I left it there.

[Song: Slide - Dido]

About Hope And Moving On

Today I went to the cinema alone, again. But this time I didn't feel like having anyone with me. I was okay by myself. I watched Nancy Meyers's The Holiday and although I felt a bit sick sometimes [about the movie and my current state of mind] I generelly liked it. The movie references were cute and G-d that Winslet woman is perfection! I even liked Cameron Diaz who is very over the top in the begining but ends up being also pleasant from the middle on [except for that cry scene that was hilarious, but it's not actually all of her fault, it's mostly the film's]. But what I mean to say is that this idiotic holiday romantic comedy, as the great portion of them, manages to fill a hopeless-romantic heart [yes, that would be me] with hope.

Last night I watched The House Of The Spirits and Streep's character talks about the relationship between the events. She means that everything's connected and happens for a reason. I surely knew The Holiday was not going to be a movie that would make me have orgasms about Meyers' filmmaking, I bought the ticket expecting to be bitchy and bitter about it; but in the end it did me good. I felt kind of invigorated with the feeling of hope. Please understand, I'm not talking about hope in having that romance back, just the hope that "the certainty of the continuity of life" brings. I'm only 19, I'm sure I'll have my heart broken several times in the path, so what's the point in feeling miserable when I know that that is a waste of time at this point of my life. I'll be travelling back to Salvador tomorrow at night and I hope to get life on my tracks again; it's not that hard I know, I've done that before and that's what we always do, isn't it?

[Song: Secret - Madonna]

Men With History

There's a Kabbalist saying that goes "you might be through with the past, but the past might not be through with you." In a society and era where everything happens so fast that you mostly don't have the time to breathe between an event and another, and the notion of time gets so confused that things that happened a while ago feels like an eternity, one might get entangled by the presence of the past in the present.

Almost a year ago I had a crush on a sixteen-year-old boy [those times are finally over] who I made out twice and was totally smitten about [nowdays I don't even know why]. I know it was mainly carnal, but I could tell he liked "my carnal"; days later he dumped me. Reason: a past affair came back from the dead and he decided to invest. Well, I hated the destiny's trick, I hated the fucker, but in the end I got over it.

You all who read this blog followed my sit-com worthy affair with "Comment guy". Comment guy! Lol, in my silly attempt to maintain myself detatched from sidekick feelings I tried to dress up a Holly Golightly behavior, giving him the Ho's and mine usual quirky nicknames, such as "comment guy" or "fuckface" [a fun word that is totally spoiled]. Foolish me ignored the fact that inside of me he already had a name, his own name [imagine this as the Kill Bill Vol. II scene when the Bride's name is revealed]: Éder.

So in our last date before I moved to Salvador I was kind of sick. My throat bitched on me again, but still he stayed with me, ignoring my probable sick breath; we kissed, we talked, we kissed again, we talked more. He offered me a column in his and his friends' fanzine about pop culture; he asked me to call him as I arrived there. Tell me, how not to fall? But that's exactly when things started to fall apart. When I arrived, I called and he never answered; it was like this for the whole week. As you know my brains decided to work over time and turned full creative mode on. Back to Conquista I called him and he said "things happened". Bingo! I had the answer to all my doubts about everything that went on the last week: the disappearance and all the implicating feelings. If you do not know yet, when someone you're having a romantic affair with tells you "things happened" in a sober-wannabe tone, be sure that those things are not good... for you!

This morning, almost 72 hours after that announcement with no more fuss and game details such as "dignity" I decided to call him. Uhg... it was somewhat ridiculous! He stuttered with a weak-ish voice but he finally said what I first thought when I heard the infamous line ["things happened"]: a past affair came back from the dead and he decided to invest. As for me, well I thanked my brains for imagining all the stupidest situations because I was able to tune up to my most stoic side and sounded serene and slightly cold. Of course it was all a bit awkward, because despite everything [?] we had, we never acted as if we needed to explain things to each other. But there he was making his speech, and here I was feeling relieved. I had my closure, I can move on.

And I will; but I won't be a hypocrite in saying I'm not angry or heartbroken. I love mystery, but suspense is just cruel and the level of suspense you make someone go through tells a lot of how much you care about this person. It proves once again the fact that we never know how much of our actions will affect other people, directly or not. After the call I felt angrier with myself for just at that moment being able to process/remember in my mind all the things I wished to say to him. Truth be told I wanted to bitch on him until he felt like shit, but in the end I'm glad I didn't; last thing I need now is another ego-trip. And things happened so quickly that I fell on time's trick. I felt like we were together for ages and we had a whole future ahead. But the same fast way things started between us, they ended with a casual encounter of his with the past, just fresh and raw like that.

I don't blame him for the things I felt in this period; yes he could have avoided all the painful suspense [I won't take that fault away from him] but the "painful" is addition of mine, I decided to come and investigate and face all the consequences that came along. He told me he was still a bit confused about everything [because this guy hurt him], sounding like "hey I'm not sure about this yet so stick around". But that's just not me, I'm not the type of guy who stands and waits for other people to make me happy; as you know I have no shame in casting dignity aside and going after what I want at the moment. Being utterly honest I was liking him, point in fact I think I still do, but I'll just carry on.

After all, why should I feel sad for what I never had?

[Song: The Power Of Good-Bye - Madonna]

This Is NO Good!

Today I went to the cinema alone; I LOVE going to the cinema alone, just me and my thoughts about the movie I'm watching. Not that I don't like company in the theatres, but I usually prefer my solitude.

Not today. As soon as I finished my cigarette and entered the mall I bought my ticket and got into the room, after buying my usual large Coke. The film was The Blood Diamond [meeeh!] and the most exciting things were the 3rd Spider-Man and the 5th Harry Potter trailers. As I got more and more bitter about the movie all I wished was someone with me. Someone I could share my bitterness with, someone to laugh with me at the silly things of the movie, someone I could do a quick comment about the performances or the screenplay. And you know, I'm not talking about a friend...

The thing is, in my pursuit of mind occupation I've watched movies. This morning I saw Boy George's marvelous musical Taboo, an outrageous and hilarious play about the 80's underground club culture; in the late afternoon I drove without direction and ended up in the mall to see The Blood Diamond and as soon as I got home I watched The House Of The Spirits, with G-d Meryl Streep and a delightful-to-watch Winona Ryder.

The thing in common between them? Lucas felt the loneliest of people. I hate when I get this romantic wave, especially after a long, fun and secure period of manless bitterness. It's funny how we complain the lack of romance in our lives and when we finally get it we want back the firstly-hated apathy. In the airheaded-hesitant-dunno-what-we-want bitches' defense I say: apathy hurts much less than unresponded romance.

I'll definitelly be more careful with the things I wish from now on. As a friend said tonight on MSN, the solution is becoming the quintessence of blasé.

[Song: Hung Up - Madonna]

Hey Ho!!

Yaaay!! I finally found out what everyone needs to be overwhelmingly happy!!

ROLLERSKATES!!

Sure, of course some bruises will come along [duuh, nothing's for free!] but man, rollerskating is beyond fun!! I need a pair of those yesterday!!

PS: Pay no attention to my nonsense. I'm just trying to occupy my brains with something so I stop making suppositions about... FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

[Song: Hung Up - Madonna]