Do You Believe In Love At First Sight?

My quickest and most honest-to-the-moment reply would be: no I do not.
But the hurt lies on the fact that a sparkly part of me wants badly to believe so. You know what with sparks: they might be tiny but very powerful and dangerous; a single one is enough to create an explosion. So this silly passion of mine that often hibernates, sometimes go up and so loud that the darkness of my well of desires is mostly lighten by the cries of this pest.
Old as fuck as I am now I can't say that I believe in the Disney concept of love at first sight. I however do believe in conjectures - not planted-by-me ones but inexplicable harmonies. A friend of mine found his current boyfriend in a rom-com like situation, filled with brief and unaware encounters and friends in common. Of course things are too young and only time will tell if they're affair is one to remember or will be swallowed by chance.
But seeing his happiness I cannot deny a pinch of jealousy for never have had it. Voilà, c'est la bitch beast! It's in times like this that I get the most sensitive about the fact that I never had a healthy and reciprocal love affair.

I'll definitely tap to the good sides and appreciate what's under my ownership. Things will come if they have to - but how I wished a supposed coincidence happened to me.

[Song: Manhatã - Caetano Veloso]

*dies*

Tomorrow is Saint Anthony's day in Brasil.

For you that don't know it, it's our equivalent to the Valentine's Day.

It's said that Saint Anthony, while alive, helped poor people to get money to get married, that's why he's a match-maker saint. Spinsters hide his image upside down inside a closet as a punishment until the saint finds them a husband.

No ho, my image is not upside down. My life already is.

I never really cared for this holiday... but this year I do. And I'm alone...

As usual.

[Song: Bachelorette - Björk]

"While You Are Away..."

Well, Red and his friends are gone.

I tried to finish The 40-Year-Old Virgin that I was watching with him before they go, but both my sleepiness and the fact that it is just me and little Edith again made me sick. I went to bed, slept for four hours, ran back to the living-room to resume the Virgin, had a few laughs and started crying as soon as the awesome finale was over.

It's a cloudy day in Salvador, and I hate it like never before. I know it's no one's fault but mine for letting this go so astray. I totally lost track from when I started feeling this lonely; the apartment's silence is unbearable and the more I try to fill it with music and films, the more testified my loneliness gets. I don't seem to fit here anymore.

I miss human touch, conversing voices directed especially to me, intellectual and emotional intercourse. I miss having constant and daily friends. The Ho's the only close thing from that, but Universe didn't put us close enough for that matter.

So, risking to sound as corny as ever I can only say that Björk's lines in Unravel took a broader meaning after their departure: I don't miss one person only, but a whole thing that fulfilled me and I thought I could live without, friends.

[Song: Unravel - Björk]

Let Your Body Go With The Flow

What to do in a day you're practically sleeping in front of the teacher?

Today my cigarettes finished by noon and I had no time to buy a new pack before levaing to college, so as my nicotine craving grew along the afternoon I had to do something to calm my disturbed spirits: I ate. So instead of having cancer now I'm fat.

But all these craps: the sleep, the cig desire, the food, they just ended being part of one more day in my routine. As the weekend approaches I get all excited about going to cool places and doing fun stuff that my daily life often seems miles away even for myself. Let me see if I can explain better: sometimes it feels like I sleep throughout the week to just wake up on the Friday night.

At the end of last night however I had my first piece of stress concerned to school. As dawn slowly and unwantedly rose at the other side of the window I realized the paper I had to hand in the afternoon wasn't quite ready yet. I tuned myself to the always helpful and cute Rufus [seriously, Go Or Go Ahead aches sometimes] and quickly finished the thing that was inicially neglected for a whole day wasted online [not exactly because two lovely and uncommented posts were written] and a whole night with Bridget Jones [a whole BJ raving coming later this week]. I went to bed after 5am, so on Monday I was nobody.

However today was a fun day. No deep philosophical epiphanies but little fun in an environment I usually take for granted. When I got home I didn't feel the usual bone-tired I always do and despite the sleep I was okay. Got me thinking of how simple it is to actually study when I want to; maybe I'll be trying a little harder to do it.

And to finish the random thoughts of the night I again got me daydreaming about the one person who will make me feel and behave like this:

Yeah Mr. Right you suck ass badly!! Where the fuck are you? I wanna dance on the streets like Björk!

Begosteodioparvida!!!

[Song: Vogue - Madonna]

The Single Life

As much as I enjoy this new life of mine I'm starting to get a bit freaked out. I usually see people but to return to an empty home. I guess I'm starting to feel the single life badly. Maybe I miss my dad who always provided good conversation and quality time in doors, maybe I miss a house with sounds, sounds that don't concern to myself one and only. Maybe I'm missing Alais, the thought she's not exactly reachable anymore kind of hurts.

Thankfully next week I'm going to travel with my dad to the town where my cousin lives, Inhambupe. There'll be kids, maybe I'll feel okay for a while. But fucksake I'm just trying to blindfold; thing is I must occupy myself, I've been a week doing nothing; time to go back to school and keep my mind busy and out of drinks. Alcolism is only cool on celebrities.

[Song: Breathe - Kylie Minogue]

Fellas That Were In The Mood

Just a quickie to express the beginning of a quirky sadness. Alais is moving out to Rio on the 30th. Salvador surely will be less fun!

Being Blasé

I think my gaydar is broken.

Last weekend I was having drinks with my folks at this cool café and I [thought I] got flirtted by this cute British guy - Daniel. We talked and I gave him my number and email, and he invited me to go to the inn he was staying in the morrow because Caetano Veloso was going to be there. I was happy with the possibility of getting a hook-up, but it was the possibility of knowing Caetano in person that got me all excited about. On the following night we [Alais, Chasha - Alias's roomate - Nina and I] went to the inn and we met Mr. Veloso [I DIED!!]; afterwards we went to this cool place called Borracharia ["tire place" in Portuguese] to dance and make some scene. There I learned from Alais that Daniel wasn't gay.

Lucas 0 x 1 Cold Mean Universe.

Saturday I finally went to the party I was anticipating for a whole month: the Nave [Portuguese for ship]. Ha, it was marvelous! I caused a lot, danced like crazy and when the darling DJ played Hung Up I jumped on the stage with Alais and danced even more. Before it we got to dance with this group of unknowns [by me] and among them there was this cute thing; he was so pretty and danced so cooly I could not take my eyes of him. Afterwards Alais, me and him were dancing to this awesome rock beat and he said something in her ear, right after she formally introduced us. I glowed. But later, when I told her my interst for him she told he was not gay.

Lucas 0 x 2 Cold Mean Bitchy Motherfucker Son-Of-A-Bitch Cocksucker Universe.

I am confused. I know Universe is not to be blamed, the needy feeling this rut brings [aka ego] is the real fucker; so you know what, I decided to be blasé. I'm gradually de-crushing from Éder but this want of a guy beside me has been tripping me up; it's like I'm looking for a substitute to receive these feelings that got interrupted to flow. Therefore, in an attempt to stop confusion I'll occupy my head with other things, flirt the less possible and forget men. Men suck! I'll be asexual at least in the meantime I organize my life.

[Song: Move - Dreamgirls]

PCless Life

What to do when you live in a house with no tv, no pc and no people?

No, I didn't try to kill myself, even though I almost did it last Sunday for not watching the Oscars if it weren't for Alais to come over and be company [yeah, big time DQ moment]!! But well... here's a quicky update post so you my lovely readers [I sound it like you are a lot] know I'm not dead.

College started. Big time confusion... public colleges are great, BUT they're the quintessence of disorganization. So I'm very lost and not excited to find things out. I hope things get along with time... I know they will.

Man, I need men!! No, not need but yeah you know what I mean. A house without PC AND TV... one tends to think a lot about things-slash-people one shouldn't. Actually all this boredom's being contrasted with cool happenings, like knowing cool people. I met today an old friend of mine at UFBA and met a very hip and famous girl from Salvador. All the prospects of parties have cheered me up a lot as well and honestly, I love having a social life. Lol... Now I'm Paris Hilton.

Well my dears, I think that's all... I miss blogging, and all the good people I read. I need my nerd life back.

[Song: Put Your Records On - Corine Baley Rae]

This Is NO Good!

Today I went to the cinema alone; I LOVE going to the cinema alone, just me and my thoughts about the movie I'm watching. Not that I don't like company in the theatres, but I usually prefer my solitude.

Not today. As soon as I finished my cigarette and entered the mall I bought my ticket and got into the room, after buying my usual large Coke. The film was The Blood Diamond [meeeh!] and the most exciting things were the 3rd Spider-Man and the 5th Harry Potter trailers. As I got more and more bitter about the movie all I wished was someone with me. Someone I could share my bitterness with, someone to laugh with me at the silly things of the movie, someone I could do a quick comment about the performances or the screenplay. And you know, I'm not talking about a friend...

The thing is, in my pursuit of mind occupation I've watched movies. This morning I saw Boy George's marvelous musical Taboo, an outrageous and hilarious play about the 80's underground club culture; in the late afternoon I drove without direction and ended up in the mall to see The Blood Diamond and as soon as I got home I watched The House Of The Spirits, with G-d Meryl Streep and a delightful-to-watch Winona Ryder.

The thing in common between them? Lucas felt the loneliest of people. I hate when I get this romantic wave, especially after a long, fun and secure period of manless bitterness. It's funny how we complain the lack of romance in our lives and when we finally get it we want back the firstly-hated apathy. In the airheaded-hesitant-dunno-what-we-want bitches' defense I say: apathy hurts much less than unresponded romance.

I'll definitelly be more careful with the things I wish from now on. As a friend said tonight on MSN, the solution is becoming the quintessence of blasé.

[Song: Hung Up - Madonna]

Great Expectations

In 1998, Alfonso Cuarón delivered us a lovely, aesthetic and breathtaking loose adaptation from Charles Dickens' novel Great Expectations. [For the record, despite of its youth this film is already a classic for me; Gwyneth Paltrow is so subtle and sexy one can't help loving her.]

In 2006, after few days of [really] cheap philo/poetic flirt I got a date. Yeah, wow... a date!! This guy from internet wanted to meet me and I had nothing to do so here we go; he's not [my-type-of] hot but who knows if he's not a nice guy for a long term re... Meh, who am I trying to fool?

We all know I'm on the thing for the possibility of sex. The guy honestly seems okay: he's major in Literature and he definitelly likes what he's doing because his lines sounds like rip offs from mellow Álvares de Azevedo poems; but since I became a full time cynic I don't buy his crap. I confess that I have a bit of romanticism inside of me but it doesn't fall for Byron-esque conversation, especially when the guy fakes shock when I do a more explicit question.

Did you figure out the trick here? I am a guy who longers for romance, but somehow doesn't believe in romance anymore. Confessing that I am a bit out of my literary orbit and more into the filmography and soundtracks of my life, I think I'd be less bitchy if he came talking about the last movie he watched or his knowledge on pop culture. But still I'd be very suspicious of any gallantry towards me.

So today, when I caught myself listening to Besame Mucho repeatedly I realized I could be becoming Cuarón's Miss Havisham/Mrs Nora Dinsmoor! [Except for the being wealthy part.] But uhg, I'll soon become wrinkled and dried inside and will be leading young pupils to heartache; or spend my hours on internet downloading cover versions from Besame Mucho. Yeah, the latter is already happening...

[Song: Besame Mucho - Diana Krall]

Solitude

Something tells me I already did a post with this name, but whatever.

Today I watched Lost In Translation for the second time. I've been neglecting this second time for ages but I finally got my lazy ass up to see it and refresh my memory of Sofia's amazing tale.

First of all, these days in Bahia have made me develop my skills in pleasing myself for myself, not on that dirty way ho, the clean one. Back during my last month in Marilia I tasted my first steps to solitude; I had the house all for myself except for eventual [and sometimes unwanted] visits from my friends. When I got here I kind of knew I'd go through a similar period, since I don't know anyone here anymore, and even though dad and Zenaide [our lovely funny adorable long time friend maid] sometimes provide me the good convos, I sometimes miss the good similar-age/mind tête-à-tête.

So tonight when I saw "Lost In Translation" I could not help feeling like both Charlotte and Bob. These guys were always alone even when surrounded by people and dude, I feel like that all the time! Most of the time it's welcomed and I appreciate these moments of solitude. Others, like lately, it's somewhat grieving. But even if "it's a fleeting moment, the minute it happens it makes lonely life worthy."

I'm longering for such moments lately; of course this all sounds very whining and it's been boring me as well! My lonesome situation was predicted and it didn't keep me from making the choice I made, which I don't regret at all. But dude, "time goes by so slowly for those who wait"!!!

[Song: Oh My G-d - P!nk featuring Peaches]

Focus

[Tracy Lord and Lone Ranger were walking around the town.]

Lone Ranger: Uhg... I'm tired of being alone. I need to find people to connect here... or at least someone to get laid with.

Tracy Lord: No dude! You gotta concentrate on your studies! You're here to study, this town is just a passage way to your real goal. There you socialize!

Lone Ranger: Yeah... you're right. But I do wanna get laid!

[Song: Promises - Kylie Minogue]

Give Me Back Solitude!!

It's funny how your mood and spirit get used to certain situations and how easily they feel abused under certain circumstances.

For the last two weeks I have been living alone. Just me, myself and my way. I have been walking around the house with nothing but my underwear, enjoying my music out loud whenever I felt like, working on my thoughts and also on errands and reading my books. I got used to take a shower with the bathroom's door opened so I could hear the music playing in my bedroom; and never freaking about the kitchen because I would wash stuffs right after I used, so the pile would never be too big.

This weekend however, my friends came over... and stayed. Since then I don't read, I can't listen to my music, I don't watch whatever I want, neither keep my kitchen clean. Uhg, I love these three friends of mine but I really get pissed when the limit line between hospitality and abuse is crossed. Since they're my friends and know I'm alone and all, wouldn't hurt to offer help and do stuffs around the house, such as a little sweep or washing the dishes without having me asking to do so.

Sorry, this is ego-way but I miss my solitude and the silence whenever I wanted. I indeed had good times with them during the weekend but limits are limits and people have to see them without being constantly warned about. That's the problem with us human beings, we are always waiting and hoping for someone else to notice the things we should see long time before; especially the ones right in front of us.

I know I could've told them the way I really wanted things; then I admit I had my share on the failure of communication, but I do believe people have to try to do more than what they think it's enough.

Anyways, I'd never thought I'd say this, but thank G-d tomorrow's Monday.

[Song: Too Darn Hot - Stacey Kent]

Jose, you son of a bitch!!

As if you you didn't know my current state, how dare you let me watch that movie?! I'm melting!! Oh I'm going to die! I can't stop crying and I still have to clean the house!! Oh what a movie! One can't expect that even though it's rather obvious nowadays. You're mean, you should've forbidden me to see it. But yet, oh it's so perfect! Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant are G-ds and they're beyond perfection! Oh gosh, here I go watching that final scene again...

Back to the start...

During my trip back to Marilia, my father and I started an argument about promiscuity in the homossexual world. His arguments convinced me and even though I don't judge that lyfe-style and sometimes wish it, I fell into a melancholy I could not exactly explain even to myself. I want romance.
To see Pride and Prejudice reassured on me that feeling. I want to share feelings in a deeper level than club-hunting or mall flirting; all this making out has been draining out my energy, especially because when I'm not having it I crave for it. Is one supposed to be enslaved by shallow and quick sensations? It probably depends on what one wants and I honestly want more, I want to go deeper and deeper, find a like-minded companion and have loads of intellectual intercourse.
Knowing how picky I am, I know I'll have to be patient until I find someone worth-exchanging... or someone in his teen years... ohh boy, Lucas gotta change!! Lol!!
By the way, due to this new romance-craving era I'm addicted to a new song: It's called Pra Ser Sincero by Brazillian [genius] singer/songwriter Marisa Monte. It's a sweet girly ballad about guess what... heartache!!! Here're the lyrics:
Eu era tão feliz
E não sabia, amor
Fiz tudo o que eu quis
Confesso a minha dor
E era tão real
Que eu só fazia fantasia
E não fazia mal
E agora é tanto amor
Me abrace como foi
Te adoro e você vem comigo
Aonde quer que eu voe

E o que passou, calou
E o que virá, dirá
E só ao seu lado, seu telhado
Me faz feliz de novo
O tempo vai passar
E tudo vai entrar no jeito certo de nós dois
As coisas são assim
E se será, será
Pra ser sincero, meu remédio é te amar, te amar
Não pense, por favor
Que eu não sei dizer
Que é amor tudo o que eu sinto longe de você
[Song: Pra Ser Sincero - Marisa Monte]