July 6th, 2008

I'm gonna throw the wine bottle away, and the ciggies and the self-pity.

No more giving men more importance than they deserve. Self-confidence will be now grabbed by the nails and put in my arms; people won't only notice it, they'll notice and fear it by design!

Yes, this is a Bridget Jones moment and, since I'm every woman I'll be riding the bike until my legs die!

[Song: Ooh La La - Goldfrapp]

The Young Death

I'm still trying to cope with my feelings towards Heath Ledger's death.

For a while I was feeling guilty for being sad about the death of a celebrity while tons of people die this young here in Brasil. Then I started to think why was I sad and why should I feel guilty. First, just because he was a celebrity doesn't mean we can't feel his death; I read this on TFE:

"It's a media saturated voyeuristic age and we are essentially encouraged from all sides to be interested in the lives of beautiful strangers. And the movies have always served as an enticing proxy, a heightened version of real life; Experience this story. Feel this catharsis. Relate to this performance."

That way my guilt for mourning someone famous' death more than I mourned my granduncle's went away. It's not like I'm putting Ledger on the stupid "hero" pedestal, but to understand my feelings towards it I'm considering his death as not a "celebrity tragic death", but as "a young man's tragic death".

As every other young man, Heath Ledger was a well of possibilities; the difference is that we knew it because the media showed/told us all the time and we chose to see/listent to it. But that's where my feelings stop, I guess. I'm not worried in defining how and why Ledger died; my heart is only trying to understand why his death is tragic. And that's what I wrote on the previous post mean.

Those lesser things will be learned by us after scientific report about his death. Autopsy will determine how and why he died. For now I can only think what does it all mean to mean...

[Song: I Don't Blame You - Cat Power]

In 2008...

...Lucas will hit the road!

Tired of this harbour where the habitants just dabble around irrealities, he will save money for travelling to as much places as he can. The first stop is nothing less or more than Rome, Italy! Ever since Mr. Dollar got cheaper his father realized that traveling abroad costs the same as traveling inland, and sometimes even cheaper. So there they're going in early April, for a fifteen days trip. But feeling restless and relentless ever since the trip to Rio, Lucas has decided that this year he will spend less on domestic booze and save for other places' boozes.

All the crazy björkian talk is to inagurate another year of this blog with a light and down-to-earth feeling of accomplishment. Tired of daydreaming with trips, places and different people, Lucas simply decided to work for it, by saving money and actually working! Spooky, uh? But yeah, he's to become the ultimate working girl and start facing reality.

So, happy and full-of-accomplishments 2008 for everyone!

[Song: Wanderlust - Björk]

"You Don't Need Love"

The funniest thing is that it turned out to be easier than I fooled myself it was.

I'm in Conquista since Monday and I've seen him only once. Tonight. Not that I don't miss him, nor that I haven't called him asking him out; but as days go by and I think less of him in that way we know I shouldn't, I see how easy it is not to love him. I know everything happens at their time, but it finally feels good and liberating to really just see him as a friend. I won't rush in saying I'm cured, but the fact I'm already willing to get new men might be the prove that my heart is again ready for another heartbreak.

Oh G-d no no no you know I'm just kidding!!!

[Song: We Don't Care About The Old Folks - Peter, Bjorn and John]

Lady Godiva

In the early Medieval she rode naked the streets of Conventry, being dessed only by her beautiful long brown hair; she did it so her husband would lower the opressive tolls imposed on his tenants. Legend has it that when she rode the town's main street, she ordered everyone to be inside their houses with all doors and windows shut. The demand was fulfilled, except by a tailor named Tom, who bore a hole in his shutters to look at the bare Lady Godiva. His punishment was blindness.

Well, I'm amazed by her because she did what no one could do during the dark times of the Middle Age, to soften the poor lives from Conventry. She sacrificed her image and dignity for the life of the peasants and impoverished people of the town.

Well... why am I Lady Godiva?

Suddenly I'm wondering if you-know-who is okay, if he's feeling alright; if he's not I wanna know why so I can help somehow... uhg I'm pathetic I wanna die. Nevermind my nonsense. Just mark my words: Lady Godiva will be good inspiration this month.

"Today The Sun's On Us"

I was reluctant in writing about this, but Red is staying here with some friends from college.

Uhh... who's Red? Comment guy's new name [don't ask]. At first I was really afraid of facing this situation which I couldn't get away from, but as it is finally here I've been having a change of heart.

I'm a junkie, this obsession of mine towards him was really leaving me depressed, and having to hang around him from Wednesday to Sunday sounded like a pure OD danger, especially after The Hours redux I had on the Tuesday. Well, I won't say everything's pretty cute but I guess I finally decided to look for other things. For example, the fact that I have no money for the rest of the month suddenly made me more worried and sad than any heartache I went through because of this feeling I've got for him. Lol... where's the good part, you might be wondering. Well, I never saw my money troubles as a definitive and helpless situation. Even if I'm totally fucked up now by my lack of tact with money I know what to do to get out of this; and I'm sure you can remember of how hopeless I've been feeling.

But what really made me ignite some optimism into my veins were two conversations I had with him. The first made me feel like shit and hate him even more, which is a sign of passion and definitelly wouldn't help me in anything. As for the second chat I finally knew why he didn't pick me back in February; nah, I won't say it here since it's personal stuff. But as I heard him I kept asking myself "why the fuck did I ask it?" and the same reply was always given by my ego "because you're a stupid masochist." True, makes sense... I am one. But how to explain the fact that after that new information I suddenly didn't hate him anymore? Point in fact, not even the overwhelming supposed love that I felt was present. And a wave of happiness that I was unable to let in ever since they came here [and Lord knows how much I've been desiring for more company than Edith - the cat], finally got me.

Right now, as I have musical epiphanies I feel like a gap that's been on the whole thing has been fulfilled. Maybe it's too soon for me to say it's finally my closure, but one thing is true: the tenderness and care I'm feeling towards him now is way better than any previous love. I can breathe now while he looks my way, and I feel compelled to love him for who he is and what he can offer me instead for what I wish him should give me.

Yup, I'm scared to death to face the world again after so many months in prison; it's not easy to start walking again after so many years on a bed. But you know what the lovely Brit says: "don't let today get lost, cos today the sun's on us."

[Song: Today The Sun's On Us - Sophie Ellis-Bextor]

Change

"Yes, if you have an addiction you’re not facing, overcoming
it may be the single, solitary thing you need to do to open the gates of harmony
and blessing in your life. But because your Opponent knows your weakness and how
it blocks your Light, it convinces you there is nothing you can do about it. Or
it makes the thought of trying seem overwhelming. Or it scapegoats other
behaviors, taking the focus off the real culprit."

Yehuda Berg

It's about time Lucas. Let's go man!! Just jump!!

[Song: Music - Joss Stone]

Rehab

When my friend asked me if I was feeling any better, I instantly replied "no". I know I'm not supposed to feel enlightened and emotionally healed after my first session of therapy, no cancer is cured on the first day of chemo. But what surprised me was how quickly I replied that; the certainty that things weren't okay. Even on my darkest moments I'd procrastinate with a joke here and there, but at that moment I felt too tired even to be witty.

As the day went on I realized my heartbreak wasn't the only thing bugging me. The month is to end on the Wednesday [when I get money from dad] and I have only $20, that will be spent tomorrow with the cab to return from Maria Bethânia's show; which I'll have to milk from the icebergs of my current creativity to write an inspiring article about afterwards. I'm counting on the goddess to inspire me. But at this moment I just make Nina's words my own: I just lost the drive.

Heartbreak. [check]

Money trouble. [check]

Getting wet by filthy puddles on a rainy day. [check]

Empty house after a tiresome day. [check]

Uhg... I'm feeling like I hopelessly need a drink. Maybe I'm going to rehab too soon.

[Song: Bruised But Not Broken - Joss Stone]

And I Saw...

...aside from the cute baby, a bunch of ugly people totally not worth a pic. But also I walked by some streets I've never walked before and saw many cute houses that made me wanna move from my ugly-people street.

The best part of it is that my mind was blank. Forgot my problems, administrations, bills and loans. Or if I didn't I don't remember thinking about them. I just enjoyed the not-so-horrible heat, my cigarettes, my coke and the ice cream. Ohh the ice cream!! Chocolate-chips, that gladly didn't taste like dirty water, and strawberry, that gladly was bittersweet like life... lol, shut up ho-patty you know I get corny about ice creams.

Tomorrow I'm going to rehab!! Okay, I'm actually seeing a shrink... it's my comment guy rehab. Wish me luck bitches.

[Song: Lambada - Kaoma]

"When I See You Cry..."

Nothing better than a day after the other.

Guys, you know, I'm human. You also know that I love that Lily Allen song. Dude, that's all that has been buzzing in my mind ever since I learned what I learned tonight.

So, TheCC was in our usual hang out and I was in my usual flirting mode with you know who. Until I learned what I learned [I don't think it's a good thing to say it here since it's personal stuff, but if you're clever enough to put two and two together, you can get a picture]... then I stoped a while, but of course I carried on later. Thing is: I have this stupid silly grin on my face. First because I finally said things I wished I'd said two months ago. Second we're talking about repeated history here people! Tables have turned and I'm not rejoicing on his pain, but I'm glad that he knows how it feels.

As I said on the previous post, most of my fantasies have died with time and I'm clever enough to not let them come out into the sun again, when I learned to live without them. I do believe things are better because there's cleary no hard feelings anymore. So, I do "feel bad for while but then I just smile, I go ahead and smile."

[Song: Smile - Lily Allen]

About Hope And Moving On

Today I went to the cinema alone, again. But this time I didn't feel like having anyone with me. I was okay by myself. I watched Nancy Meyers's The Holiday and although I felt a bit sick sometimes [about the movie and my current state of mind] I generelly liked it. The movie references were cute and G-d that Winslet woman is perfection! I even liked Cameron Diaz who is very over the top in the begining but ends up being also pleasant from the middle on [except for that cry scene that was hilarious, but it's not actually all of her fault, it's mostly the film's]. But what I mean to say is that this idiotic holiday romantic comedy, as the great portion of them, manages to fill a hopeless-romantic heart [yes, that would be me] with hope.

Last night I watched The House Of The Spirits and Streep's character talks about the relationship between the events. She means that everything's connected and happens for a reason. I surely knew The Holiday was not going to be a movie that would make me have orgasms about Meyers' filmmaking, I bought the ticket expecting to be bitchy and bitter about it; but in the end it did me good. I felt kind of invigorated with the feeling of hope. Please understand, I'm not talking about hope in having that romance back, just the hope that "the certainty of the continuity of life" brings. I'm only 19, I'm sure I'll have my heart broken several times in the path, so what's the point in feeling miserable when I know that that is a waste of time at this point of my life. I'll be travelling back to Salvador tomorrow at night and I hope to get life on my tracks again; it's not that hard I know, I've done that before and that's what we always do, isn't it?

[Song: Secret - Madonna]

Men With History

There's a Kabbalist saying that goes "you might be through with the past, but the past might not be through with you." In a society and era where everything happens so fast that you mostly don't have the time to breathe between an event and another, and the notion of time gets so confused that things that happened a while ago feels like an eternity, one might get entangled by the presence of the past in the present.

Almost a year ago I had a crush on a sixteen-year-old boy [those times are finally over] who I made out twice and was totally smitten about [nowdays I don't even know why]. I know it was mainly carnal, but I could tell he liked "my carnal"; days later he dumped me. Reason: a past affair came back from the dead and he decided to invest. Well, I hated the destiny's trick, I hated the fucker, but in the end I got over it.

You all who read this blog followed my sit-com worthy affair with "Comment guy". Comment guy! Lol, in my silly attempt to maintain myself detatched from sidekick feelings I tried to dress up a Holly Golightly behavior, giving him the Ho's and mine usual quirky nicknames, such as "comment guy" or "fuckface" [a fun word that is totally spoiled]. Foolish me ignored the fact that inside of me he already had a name, his own name [imagine this as the Kill Bill Vol. II scene when the Bride's name is revealed]: Éder.

So in our last date before I moved to Salvador I was kind of sick. My throat bitched on me again, but still he stayed with me, ignoring my probable sick breath; we kissed, we talked, we kissed again, we talked more. He offered me a column in his and his friends' fanzine about pop culture; he asked me to call him as I arrived there. Tell me, how not to fall? But that's exactly when things started to fall apart. When I arrived, I called and he never answered; it was like this for the whole week. As you know my brains decided to work over time and turned full creative mode on. Back to Conquista I called him and he said "things happened". Bingo! I had the answer to all my doubts about everything that went on the last week: the disappearance and all the implicating feelings. If you do not know yet, when someone you're having a romantic affair with tells you "things happened" in a sober-wannabe tone, be sure that those things are not good... for you!

This morning, almost 72 hours after that announcement with no more fuss and game details such as "dignity" I decided to call him. Uhg... it was somewhat ridiculous! He stuttered with a weak-ish voice but he finally said what I first thought when I heard the infamous line ["things happened"]: a past affair came back from the dead and he decided to invest. As for me, well I thanked my brains for imagining all the stupidest situations because I was able to tune up to my most stoic side and sounded serene and slightly cold. Of course it was all a bit awkward, because despite everything [?] we had, we never acted as if we needed to explain things to each other. But there he was making his speech, and here I was feeling relieved. I had my closure, I can move on.

And I will; but I won't be a hypocrite in saying I'm not angry or heartbroken. I love mystery, but suspense is just cruel and the level of suspense you make someone go through tells a lot of how much you care about this person. It proves once again the fact that we never know how much of our actions will affect other people, directly or not. After the call I felt angrier with myself for just at that moment being able to process/remember in my mind all the things I wished to say to him. Truth be told I wanted to bitch on him until he felt like shit, but in the end I'm glad I didn't; last thing I need now is another ego-trip. And things happened so quickly that I fell on time's trick. I felt like we were together for ages and we had a whole future ahead. But the same fast way things started between us, they ended with a casual encounter of his with the past, just fresh and raw like that.

I don't blame him for the things I felt in this period; yes he could have avoided all the painful suspense [I won't take that fault away from him] but the "painful" is addition of mine, I decided to come and investigate and face all the consequences that came along. He told me he was still a bit confused about everything [because this guy hurt him], sounding like "hey I'm not sure about this yet so stick around". But that's just not me, I'm not the type of guy who stands and waits for other people to make me happy; as you know I have no shame in casting dignity aside and going after what I want at the moment. Being utterly honest I was liking him, point in fact I think I still do, but I'll just carry on.

After all, why should I feel sad for what I never had?

[Song: The Power Of Good-Bye - Madonna]

Jump

I have a thing for young men. Teenagers to be specific; I like the soft skin, the naivité, the eagerness. Once I kind of fell for one of those, but that's history. But truth be told adolescence is not something I like to deal with nowadays; when the teenager isn't kissing me or trying to rip my clothes off he just bores me.

Well you might say I'm being presumptuous, after all I'm just 19. But when I was 17 I was trying too hard to be oh so mature, that somehow I learned earlier that trying wouldn't exactly work if I didn't have the tools to be so. When I was younger I liked to think I was "an old mind trapped in a young body." Today I see that all I was was a boy wanting desperately to pose as a man. I'm not saying I'm a grown man now, heaven forbid, but I'm done with posing. I've changed, I know I grew up from back then to now. The best part is that I'm aware of these changes; I won't be arrogant in saying I'm in total charge of them but I at least know they're happening and that they must happen.

So, one thing kinds of hits me to the nerves: when people don't get it; better saying: choose not to get it. I don't seek for people's aproval of what I've become or what I've decided to be, I just want them to let me be. I have these friends who recently have been telling me I've changed, but not in a good way [in their conception]. Well I agree I changed, I'm more careless about little trivial details of life, like do-they-still-care-about-me's and am-I-being-dissed-on-the-back's; I'm more conscious of who I am and what I want for myself; I'm more careful with my actions and words; I'm more sarcastic and bitter than before - that's a good thing in my world; I'm a bit more sociable; and at this moment I'm bored with this self-celebrating little list.

The thing is, when my friend found a link from my first blog [I won't link it, too embarassing!] escorted by an "emotional bill" I felt pissed. I'm pro evolution, I agree people have the right to change and grow up; once done you'll never go back to where you started, you might revisit feelings but there's no real trip to memoryland, you can only see the pictures you've taken when you lived that. The bill consisted in "do you still love us like when you said you did back then?" Honestly, I felt pissed about that kind of question. Love is a living thing, it changes and evolves and we have to accept it; G-d knows I love those people but why should I define it? Why should I label it as "strong like before" or "a bit weaker"?

My reply to her question was bitter and sarcastic. Maybe she'll laugh [I doubt], maybe she'll just feel more fucked up. In any case I'll keep on doing what I'm doing; as a non-teenager I refuse to play those games, as a not-yet-adult I just keep on embracing the shifts and turns life gives me.

"I'm not afraid of what I'll face

But I'm afraid to stay."

[Song: Let It Will Be - Madonna]