Pissing On Love

After I watched Jules et Jim, by the magnanimous François Truffaut, I started to think more fiercely about romantic relationships and how our perceptions of it are filled with conceptions infused in the genral speech ever since we start to get interested by knowledge.

I'm the guy who never had a real relationship for more than a week, or only the one who thought that was having. So, what could I say about relationships? I speak of them with the beautiful and cynical experience of the observer; though I never dated, I end up being the one who listens to almost all my friends' emotional craps. Maybe because I see a romantic relationship like any other one in life, in which you must give more than want to receive; maybe for [always] being the outsider with the view of the big picture; maybe for always being the bride's maid never the bride. ha-ha

Fact is that for alwats busying my mind with these thoughts and writing here or there about them, I started to consider a good idea to directly write about it - a book maybe - with the thoughts of a love pariah, that never ceases being an idealist.

[Song: Le Tourbillon - Jeanne Moreau]

Things About Me And This Blog That Is Kind Of Useless To Know But I'll Tell Anyway

Whenever I title a post "Whoever, I Love You" I'm parodying Madonna's Vogue's line that says: "Bette Davis, We Love You".
So, just now I realized that in the 2 and half years of this blog's existence I never actually wrote "Bette Davis, I Love You", so ho tell me Davis movies to download right away! Apart from All About Eve of course, you know my love for that one.
[Song: the whichever song my dad is listening on his laptop - Billie Holiday]

Thanks...

Dad and aunt travelled to Salvador yesterday and I'm home alone for the first time in a very long time in Conquista. And needless to say how alleviated I feel, having the house only for me with no worries of sound volume or where to smoke [as long as I carry an incense along]. The mood is so sweet that I'm even enjoying my introspection at my utmost, avoiding people's presence and all.

Last night Purki and some others came over, but I still felt so on my own and as they blabbered around I watched Björk in my room; I didn't even mind to sleep in the middle of Pan's Labyrinth. I remembered a question the ho did me a while ago: "how do you handle always being around people?" And at that moment I didn't have an exact reply for that, because the fact was that I've been needing a time by myself...

Just to listen to anything I want without hearing complaints, write peacefully without no one asking me things and crap. So at this time I wanna thank some entities for making my days:

- Nessa Carlton - for having the coolest and sweetest songs to sing along;

- Feist - for giving me the best of introspective songs;

- my aunt - for going with my father...

- Norah Jones - for inviting me to come away with her;

- Keira Knightley - for making me cum and cry at the same time with her beauty;

- Dario Marianelli - for writing such beautiful scores;

- Julia Roberts - for showing everyone how to light up a screen;

- Björk - for always fulfilling the gaps and silent spaces; and,

- dear leisure - for just existing and allowing me to write such useless post without feeling guilty.

[Song: Come Away With Me - Norah Jones]

Coming Home

It would be way too foolish of me to say Vanessa Carlton's new album is genius; even if I'm completely in love with it.
If Be Not Nobody was gloomy like Winter and Harmonium was luminous like Summer, Heroes & Thieves feel content with the moment. The first difference I noticed in H&T is that instead of a collection of songs, it feels more like a body of work, a story being told; that isn't notable only by the lyrics, but the melodies and arrangements feel like such - as if Carlton spent more time constructing music that feels like chapters in one's life. The best part is that it isn't anyone specific, so the connection with it isn't so difficult.
Nolita Fairytale feels right from the start as a wake up call. The literary feature of the song gets even cuter if you consider the fact Nolita is the neighborhood where Carlton has been living for at least the past two years, the period of time she describes in the song. But as I said, it's not only the lyrics that remit you to a moment of epiphany: the song with it's cheerful drums and piano and sharp percussion feels like a morning reverie.
So sweet that when you get to the second track, the amazing Hands On Me, you already feel it as first thoughts in bed. The magnanimous string section combined with the down-to-earth and urban-esque piano and percussion transmits you to a feeling of seriousness that matches with the fierce emphasis she imposes on the lyrics.
Then Spring Streets comes about a mother-daughter relationship, but in general it's about growing up and learning about life with life. And that's, in my opinion, the beauty of Carlton's songs. 27-year-old is almost the end of the second decade of one's life, but it's like the begining of adulthood, especially in today's world where people seem to grow up faster, but mature later. So, Carlton's song feel like songs made for people in their 20's done by someone in her 20's. All that in a humbleness that is part of Carlton's charisma; there's no patronizing in her lyrics and messages. And at the same time, it's lovely how the melodies and arrangements transmit the maturity she already has.
There's a charisma in Carlton's songs that goes beyond the innovative; in her three musical installments she had delivered songs that somehow feel similar in the pop piano aspect, but are able to bring different feelings to the listener. The other highlights for me are Come Undone, the country-ish The One (with Stevie Nicks), the title track Heroes & Thieves and Home.
[Song: More Than This - Vanessa Carlton.]

Oh Boy...

A part of me has no regret at all for neglecting this space, because the amount of time I spend in front of a computer lately is minimum.... but another part feels deeply ashamed because I haven't been doing anything productive elsewhere.

The thing is: life has been too hype... and maybe I'm already starting to feel a bit tired. Time to reel in and start thinking. Maybe there'll be some writing coming from it, even if it's about old stuff.

[Song: Last Order For Gary Stead - Saint Etienne]

I Hate Dreams

[Play the song while you read it.]

So there I was in my bedroom reading when his head appeared through the door. It was a huge surprise to have him here, and so I said it. He gave me a bright smile that tickled the bases of my knees; he seemed cuter than ever, with his hair pushed back like a picture from the 1960's, or if you prefer being a bit cynic, like a New Rave kid so common these days. But there was nothing common about him; he knew more about Literature, Philosophy and Art Cinema than anyone I'd ever known. Of course that at first it shook my ego, making me uncomfortable before him and his awesomely clever friends... but a drink or two later I was more eager to learn about his world than comparing mine to his, so I just went with the ride... but I guess I rode too far and ended up passing out and puking my t-shirt. In my mind, all he had in his was that I was a silly rabbit, so thus was my surprise when his head appeared through the door.

He and his grin came towards me and hugged me saying I was missed. I love when that happens: when I'm missed. It always gives me these little butterflies like the warmth within after a sip on cappuccino. His hug was as warm as that, from outside to inside and this beautiful desire possessed me when the embrace started and lingered all the while I had his arms around me. You never show up we'd have to come down to you, he said walking from me to my bed and sitting on its edge. He lit a cigarette and I only watched him. Why does he attract me, I wondered silently while I watched sun beams reflected on his arm's white skin ricochet through the whole room.

I had his smile again and lit myself a cigarette as I climbed the bed and lied behind him; he turned around and lied beside me, our faces in front of each other. The light now wasn't so special, but I could see myself reflected on his pupils. His voice told me the news from the city I was reluctant to return until I asked about his ex and their current relationship. Last time we talked they were giving a break, and I must confess that that lit a spark inside me, but he instantly said he loved him and missed him terribly. And that was repeated again, except for the dramatic adjective.

The problem of asking such things to a person you're friends with but is interested in is that you risk having to hear a whole monologue about the other person's predicates. Bingo! He started telling me about the last time they met and even though my eyes were fixed upon his, my mind had gone miles and miles astray from that point, until it was abruptly pulled back into my bedroom as I felt his lips eagerly touch mine and his tongue penetrated my mouth. A volcano erupted inside me causing my arms to spill around his neck as his tied my waist and pushed me into him.

His beautiful brown eyes were shut, but at the moment I opened mine incredulous he opened his in perfect unison; and those eyes shone into me provoking an inevitable smile between our ardent kiss. And there we laid, his head resting on my chest as if his head ears and mind penetrated my bosom. My romantic mind flied away wondering how such magical sensitivity would approach a boy like me and we layed there till we fainted into sleephood.

When I woke up he was no longer there and a sense of emptiness possessed me... at that moment I knew none was real that it was soon to be vanished and lost into nothingness. But still I went after him; he could not walk out on me that way, I thought; but the truth was that that moment with him gave me a huge sense of possibility, this little bug that settles itself into our hearts whenever something go out of the natural order.

Later I found him and with a hug he told me he loved his ex... I must've seen that coming: men with history all over again. And then he said: "but I'm so afraid of falling for you as well, of having my foundations rocked, my linear path shuffled that I panicked! But I won't leave again... at least for now..."

Suddenly I felt a hand weighting on my shoulder, I looked and there was nothing; but then I looked again and I saw my father. Do you have any laundry, he asked.

I was awake.

[Song: Cocoon - Björk]

Rest

This weekend's Saint John's holiday.

I of course don't care about the saint, just the holiday. And I'm going to Conquista, try to relax a bit. My akita, Hercules, died on the Tuesday - dad is really sad, - I've been working like crazy for school - end of semester, - and I hate being penniless, I want dad's wings back.

The other day I missed my mom madly; to te point of almost crying. But when I got home I forgot to call her. She did it instead.

I finished my short story and it was great; I got a good grade from a Portuguese exam I did ages ago; I also did a very good Linguistics exam yesterday and can say I'm not gonna flunk in anything.

Wish me good trip.

[Song: Light Years/Turn Into Love - Kylie Minogue]

Writer's Block

It's official: I'm totally fucked up.

I have this short story to finish till tomorrow and the more I read and re-read what I've wrote so far, the more I read other stuff, the more I listen to the music that had inspired the plot, the more lost I get. I'm completely dried! As the hours drag by I get more and more preoccupied... but that's the shit, I can't seem to occupy myself... I cannot concentrate. Fuckin shit.

[Song: Hunter - Björk]

Action Heroine Blog-A-Thon

Sooo... one day I was dancing to I-don't-even-remember-what here in my bedroom and MSN warned me I got an email from The Film Experience. Wow, surprise! Folks, the things you put yourself to in the past that then come back to bite your ass... nah, things are not that dramatic. I simply signed in for Nathaniel's blog-a-thon homage to the feminine side of law and security... or sometimes not exactly [*ahem*... Beatrix Kiddo], and I of course didn't even remember that, until the email came.
So, I'm supposed to pick an action movie or tv series heroine, rave about her on a post and post it between June the 11th and the 12th. I obviously have no idea who am I gonna choose, so I'll come up with options and whoever reads it [something that hardly happens since the universe thinks it's fun to ignore me] just vote on the comments. So far I've thought in writing about:
1. Barbarella
2. Buffy, the Vampire Slayer
3. Beatrix Kiddo [but I fear everybody's gonna write about her]
4. Charlie's Angels [the movie version which I've seen more than a million times]
5. Bridget Jones [ha!]

Alright, BJ isn't exactly an action heroine, but c'mon y'all she blonde, sexy [despite a bit overweighted], is always running around and is a woman with a mission!!! Ain't that enough to make her a heroine? Besides both of the movies provide a lot of action-worthy scenes for dear Bridge, even if they're not filled with blood and impossible explosions.

So, whaddya think?

[Song: Where Does The Good Go? - Tegan And Sara]

Life In Portuguese

Well, you know I'm from Brasil. Therefore my natural language is Portuguese; but since I'm an americanized unpatriot bitch I'd rather write in English or any other language.

But now in the search of new linguistics horizons [yeah right!] I decided to write in Port as well! Nope, Life's A Bitch will remain as it is but now, Portuguese speakers lazy enough to read in English or if you wanna learn some good Portuguese, just go to my new blog: Cigarettes And Dance Floors. It's Life's A Bitch, but in Port.

The blogs will be independent from each other, but of course that sometimes there will be some thematic links between one another.

[Song: Take Me Home (A Girl Like Me) - Sophie Ellis-Bextor]

PCless Life Part Deux

You know, I had to do something with all the things bubbling under my mind during this time. I shopped wildly, which's been giving me my first real money troubles, I flirted wildly, which is never bad and I've smoked wildly, no comments about that.

So yesterday, after I had brunch with Alais we decided to watch a movie. We went to an art room nearby that were playing Notes On A Scandal with Judi Dench and Cate Blanchet. And I am telling you [I know hosie, corny] I never felt so excited by a movie in a long time! I loved Dreamgirls and Borat the other day, but while the first never touched me deeply enough the latter didn't feel much of a rooting movie and more like a political statement. "Notes" not only got me jumping on my seat that left jawdropped at many times; after it I felt so inspired about life and people. Once again I sound corny but I can't help feeling moved by movies that talk so judgement freely about human behavior [I'm not going to spoil it].

When I got home, I wrote. And better, I've been writing and I'm excited about it, which hasn't happened in a long time. While everything else kind of bores me, a spark inside me feels like doing something. Surely I should feel a bit more excited about school, but meh not yet. I keep having these ideas and turnpoints to the plot I'm developing. I still don't know exactly how and what it'll turn out, but the fact that I've been writing wildly even makes me consider staying more time in the house. In spite of the silence.

[Song: Get Together - Madonna]

"Drawing down more Light illuminates the dark areas of our life"

"We tend to take our areas of clarity for granted while we torment ourselves about our 'issues'. We become much happier – and less doubtful – when we redirect our uncertainty into actions of certainty."

Let's say this is my main goal now.

You see, I have some troubles that I'll only discourse here after I solve them. But I'm in such suspense because of them that obviously my head is working over time, creating speeches to supposed future arguments.

One thing is for sure, I MUST start taking care of myself again; my interrupted Kabbalah studies, plus my reconnection with my creativity and trying to improve it without computer [I'll be PCless for a month or more].

So, while bitterness gets closer by the hour I'll try to keep my mind off my "issues" and find my inner Temple Of Light.

In the meantime, wish me luck with everything...

[Song: Landslide - Dixie Chicks]

PS: There are now two links for comments: the Haloscan with the dorky lines ["Comment please please!" etc] and the boring Blogger one... suit yourselves with any of them.

2047

Ahh... no matter how I try to explain you I know you won't simply believe me. You might even turn off and tell me you do, but I know that deep inside of yourselves you'll have this little hint of doubt. In the other hand I don't feel obliged to convince you about the truth of my words, I guess I'm just too old for that... old, did I say old? Uhg, sometimes I feel so into myself and into the moment I'm living that I forget I have all these years on my back. I've always lived the time I was living, with no gazing into distant futures, going with the flow [except maybe for this right and exact moment, when I speak today... but I'm years ahead]; I didn't make much plans, nor stressed myself out with the probabilities... and now I wonder... wonder! I'm always wondering, uhg... sometimes it seems like a waste of time, but you know fuck time!, I never intended to spend it as everyone thought I should... but I do wonder if this life style was really the right one for me.

Okay, the thing is: I'm Lucas, but not Lucas. I'm Lucas in 2047, when he's uh I'm... you know, 60-years-old. And in a spur of a non-kabbalist moment I decided to step back in time to let you know if I found my boogie. No, I won't tell you if I won the Oscar, nor even who won it in the year of 2007; we don't drive on flying cars [yet] and still haven't inhabited the moon or Mars; World War III still didn't happen and global warming catastrophe was indeed the big deal. It's kind of complicated [or would the word be frustrating?] to tell that even though time has changed many things, most things [at least the ones that really matters] haven't changed. But what really matters? When I was young, uhg I was very self-absorbed; not that I was a heartless egocentric bitch a hundred percent of the time, I'm not that self-deprecating, but I focused mainly on myself, my life, my achievements. Well, no one's to tell me I was wrong back then, not even myself... I still advice you all to keep building yourselves up on what you know at the moment that is right for you; you might get fucked up [and you will] but that is what is worth.

So looking at my young self now that I've gone out there and went after what I wanted I know my life was good. Probably the best feeling of fulfillment is when you look back and see that your stumbles and mistakes were your own. And G-d how I stumbled! Even when I was 20 I never expected to get things at first, I was always a bit slow and even with all my spiritual and psychological studies at the time [that are valid I recommend] I never expected nor really wanted to achieve perfection - at least not in this lifetime.

This talk sounds really presumptuous and prepotent ["here he comes the Spielberg-esque dude from the future coming to tell us what we should do"], but my main target here is myself. I'm still a bit egocentric, but I wanna tell Lucas to keep being because as I said, my life was good and it is because he just went for the things that mattered to him. And the rest "don't matter at all..."

[Song: What I Wanted - Nelly Furtado]

The Hosie

I was bored and wanted to blog so he told me to blog about him. So I'll write a poem:

He loves to say the word cum
Because the amount of what we have of that
is none
Whenever Lucas is fucked up he knows
Josesito will always be there to blow
Not that you dirty dumbasses I mean
He's the one that makes me happy and grin
He loves portuguese and plans
To change his name to Joaninho Vatapasinho Hosie-ann
That because he thinks it's fun
to add the inho to the end of words
But beyond all the craziness and quirkiness
I love him dearly because he's me
and I am him
We get obsessed about aussies, lots of things
And even like to synch
the music we love, not everyone knows how to do this
He's my ideal man but I'll never do him
Because his vagina smells like green juices
I love how he makes me laugh
His crankiness and bitterness makes me glad
Not that I'm Nora Dinsmoor or whatever
It's cuz I also get like that
And then we get at our most sarcastic
Poor of those we decide to bitch about
Hosinho says I turned him into a pooper
Well if he'd heard me before Jacqueline wouldn't've come so sooner
Yeah you have no idea who Jacky is
But unfortunatelly I can't tell you more about this
You can be sure you'd love to hear
Every story from this man is better than beer
He taught me 'bout the Oscars, turned me into a film-freak
We'll write a letter-bomb and send to Clint
I also thank him for my sass and my spirituality
We love to do scenes on the webcam
We do Mammy, Bri, Vogue, Live To Tell on crosses till we cum
There you go thinking Jack nasty again
We never cyber cuz it's dirty we just laugh our asses of
and poses
And "put your hand on your heart" if you now know who I mean
We love her camp her hips and perfect bliss
Of course he annoys me with that cancer woohoo
But we love her to death we want her dancers her feathers
Kylie is the showgirl queen
Madge brought us together I thank her
Cuz life I know now is way better
Hosinho will be in mine forever and ever
Happy Christmas everyone
I asked for Santa
That the boyfriend he brings me is like
My Josesinho Santana*

*yeah, that's the only word I could think of that rhymed with Santa, don't judge me. u.u

Aaaaaaaaaaand, he did one for me too: sing it a la Vogue and laugh your asses off.

[Song: Better The Devil You Know - Kylie Minogue (Hosie and I's Xtmas song)]

Romantic Ass

Last post was bitter and bitchy and even though I still am I recognize now I'm kinda fed up.
Kinda fed up of being cynical.
Kinda fed up of not believing.
Kinda fed up of "sharing feelings with the mirror."
Kinda fed up of daydreaming.
Kinda fed up of the me-myself-and-I status.
Honestly: I want to be in love...
[Song: Relocate - Saint Etienne]

Je vous présente...

... Monsier Alexander Dantas (aka M. DeLarge).

Il est en partie français en partie russe en partie brésilien et un poète. Il aime soi-même violence particulièrement quand l'amour est à l'intérieur. Sa poèmes sont agressifs mais principalement sarcastiques si vous regardez soigneusement. Il déteste l'amour et sentimentalisme mais il ne peut pas éviter d'écrire submergé dans tels sentiments. Il hait aussi les français mais aime leur langue, parce qu'il est toujours en ecrivant et en parlant le français. Mais je sais que il va me tuer pour vous dire son secret. Alexander adore aussi le Nadsat, son argot.

---------------------------------------

Alanis once talked about the falacy of writing only when depression mode is on. Well, I agree with her, but I'm sure that the best poems are produced when that mode is on. Here I am trying to get over someone but in the meantime I've been writing these cool pieces of verses and stanzas. Actually not me, my alter-ego M. Alexander Dantas.

He's so cool that I don't feel like healing anymore!!! lol... Just kidding guys! For those who didn't understand a shit about the M. DeLarge's introduction, I'll translate it to English... someday.

For now, I'll post one of his poems, Letting Go Crap:

What is this fear of letting go?
What is this hesitation?
I feel ashamed to admit that
I still feel the same
So, when will I jump
And face the unknown
Embrace the untold
And kiss the unfolded
My sisters and me have said
We'd be able to deal with everything
I guess we never counted heartbreak
Here I go once again
Drama-queening once again
That's my job
That's my life
Yuck… I gotta move the line
Adios amigo…

[Song: Spinning Around - Miss Kylie "G-d" Minogue.... KylieFever Tour version, with genius A Clockwork Orange feeling.]

First Things First

go ... As I emotionally listen to JET's Look What You've Done, and feel its mostly piano-smooth-drums-and-shy-guitar melody turn into a frantic and piercing beat of the bridge, I try to think of the words to explain the main reason I've decided to be back on "blog-world". Actually there's no special reason. I like to write, I'll write, post here and try not to care if people will read it or not.

Definition: This will be a place where I'll post thoughts in general, but mostly I'll try to write reviews (aka personal feelings and impressions) about my favorite CDs, movies, TV-Shows episodes, etc etc.