"You Can Be Henry Miller And I'll Be Anaïs Nin"

As Miss Feist has been telling to my years lately "the saddest part of a brokenheart isn't the ending as much as the start."

It's very cliché to be all melancholic after your heart is broken, and I can't even say if mine actually is, but once the "feeling of possibility" is dead you have to figure out ways to cope with that loss... because even if most of its existence was only in your head, it's still another thing of yours you'll not have anymore.

So on the last two days I've been on my bitchiest mode ever since comment guy, and guess why... a guy. There were no despressive period this time, because once I saw I was still able to leave the danger zone I made my path backwards. Hence the bitchiness. I realized that being bitchy towards the source of my afflictions is a good way to impose myself to myself. Being blasé keeps me from wondering of shoulda woulda couldas.

Last night it was clear to him I was particularly bitchy with him. He asked me why today... I obviously was evasive and said that it would soon be gone. Well, that is true... but why sheding my pride by being utterly honest and exposing even more my weakiness? Falling for an ideal - a wishful thinking - is very beautiful in arts, but in real life is tiresome. Playing the bitch with a good friend because you wrongly fell for him isn't exactly my ideal of pleasure, but for now it's necessary and it's being done.

Today's mood is better than the last days', but I don't know how long will the bitch mode will last. After he asked I offered him a Feist song, When I Was A Young Girl, and considering the lyrics it was an elegant bitchy move of me.

In the end I go back to the Feist's line from the post-top and think there's no better words to describe the silly state of mind I'm in lately. I feel like giving up on romance... surely this won't last forever, but for now I'm just feeling tired. Once again...

[Song: Let It Die - Feist]

Men With History Redux

Life and destiny are so funny. Two posts away I finished it talking about a guy; well, he's a man with history. The thing is that his record though darkish, isn't so far that harmful for me. You all remember comment guy and our closure, but life/love is kinda crazy with a spooky little boy like destiny.

About two or three weekends ago I hooked up with this guy who turned out to be a comment guy's ex. No wait, not a comment guy's ex, the ex for whom he kicked my ass. Shocks dang you know what I'm saying y'all?!

Of course I only knew he was he after the happenstance; if I'd known previously it'd probably weight on my horniness for him, because the guy is indeed a hottie. But the thing is his history. Red [aka CG] had told me some pretty weird-slash-funny-slash-lame-slash-ridiculous things about him and this guy [to whom I haven't given a nickname yet - help me out here ho!], that involved cheating and the word psychopath. Lol.

But there are times in your life you simply give hand of past stories and just live the now, and whatever he did to the aborigine [aka Red] is somehow meaningless to me, after all I don't get involved in other people's personal craps; especially if they're some sort of persona non grata in my head [oui I'm still to get over that part of heartbreak healing when you hate the person who slashed your heart]. So I seeked my pleasure by hooking up with this guy a couple of times more.

Anywho the reason of this whole rambling is that I spent another sleepless Friday at this pub named Apogeu - the only really cool place to go in town. Anderson is a waiter there. And he got a new haircut, that improved himself brightly; Lucas was drunk and needy [romancelessness and drama - always always always!] so I flirted with him wildly again. By the morning when he was not working anymore and the bar had only as costumers me and a friend - who are less like costumers and more like friends of the crew - I offered him a ride. That had to be called off because my horniness erased from my mind that my dad had an appointment in the morning and was going to need the car; so I fled to bring the car home and as soon as I arrived I called him, and suddenly I was in a bus at half past 6AM going to meet him in front of this hotel, to then go to his place.

Between the kisses and cuddles I sleepily looked into his eyes, with a Ninotchka glance and crooked smile, and said:

"I'm going to tell you a secret."

"Tell me," he said.

"I wanna have sex with you." [Pause.] "But not today."

I confess that that was a clear sign of my romancelessness, but in any case it seemed to boost even more his enthusiasm towards me. And as I kept stopping his hands to move even more forward, we fell asleep.

He spooned me.

[Song: Old Cape Cod - The Puppini Sisters.]

Immature

There's always something you can rely. Right now I rely on Björk's ability of bringing me up.
I'm reading this book - I mentioned it before here [and yes ho I'm still reading it cos I'm a slow reader] and the woman left her country still in love with her last boyfriend; but after a moment she decided to let him go and thought she was finally over him, until he'd creep into her veins again and domain her thoughts in the worst of fashions. She fought against it, she succeeded.
Did you spot the relation? So, yeah you know what/who I mean. But in one point, when I drove some of the CCs home, I turned the car's stereo on and guess which song was playing. Yes, "maybe not from the directions you are staring at" indeed!
Lucas didn't get things at first [yes ho you know my slowpokeness], but as soon as he sat in front of this computer he finally connected everything.
So as I see a very dear friend of mine suffering for something he doesn't have and probably never had or will, I can't help seeing myself on him and I can't help feeling sick. He [not my friend, you-know-who] could never replace the missing elements in me and still I wanted to keep fooling myself he could, would and should. Then I see so much energy wasted in the illusion I built myself; and when I look back and remember what's my mind been hanging around [Björk], I finally see she IS the whisper in water she says she is in Bachelorette.
"How extremely lazy of me."
Silly girl, so silly!
And at this moment, I want to remind myself of another woman who has brought me up during that period: come the fuck on Bridget!

[Song: All Is Full Of Love - Björk]

Lady Godiva

In the early Medieval she rode naked the streets of Conventry, being dessed only by her beautiful long brown hair; she did it so her husband would lower the opressive tolls imposed on his tenants. Legend has it that when she rode the town's main street, she ordered everyone to be inside their houses with all doors and windows shut. The demand was fulfilled, except by a tailor named Tom, who bore a hole in his shutters to look at the bare Lady Godiva. His punishment was blindness.

Well, I'm amazed by her because she did what no one could do during the dark times of the Middle Age, to soften the poor lives from Conventry. She sacrificed her image and dignity for the life of the peasants and impoverished people of the town.

Well... why am I Lady Godiva?

Suddenly I'm wondering if you-know-who is okay, if he's feeling alright; if he's not I wanna know why so I can help somehow... uhg I'm pathetic I wanna die. Nevermind my nonsense. Just mark my words: Lady Godiva will be good inspiration this month.

"While You Are Away..."

Well, Red and his friends are gone.

I tried to finish The 40-Year-Old Virgin that I was watching with him before they go, but both my sleepiness and the fact that it is just me and little Edith again made me sick. I went to bed, slept for four hours, ran back to the living-room to resume the Virgin, had a few laughs and started crying as soon as the awesome finale was over.

It's a cloudy day in Salvador, and I hate it like never before. I know it's no one's fault but mine for letting this go so astray. I totally lost track from when I started feeling this lonely; the apartment's silence is unbearable and the more I try to fill it with music and films, the more testified my loneliness gets. I don't seem to fit here anymore.

I miss human touch, conversing voices directed especially to me, intellectual and emotional intercourse. I miss having constant and daily friends. The Ho's the only close thing from that, but Universe didn't put us close enough for that matter.

So, risking to sound as corny as ever I can only say that Björk's lines in Unravel took a broader meaning after their departure: I don't miss one person only, but a whole thing that fulfilled me and I thought I could live without, friends.

[Song: Unravel - Björk]

"Today The Sun's On Us"

I was reluctant in writing about this, but Red is staying here with some friends from college.

Uhh... who's Red? Comment guy's new name [don't ask]. At first I was really afraid of facing this situation which I couldn't get away from, but as it is finally here I've been having a change of heart.

I'm a junkie, this obsession of mine towards him was really leaving me depressed, and having to hang around him from Wednesday to Sunday sounded like a pure OD danger, especially after The Hours redux I had on the Tuesday. Well, I won't say everything's pretty cute but I guess I finally decided to look for other things. For example, the fact that I have no money for the rest of the month suddenly made me more worried and sad than any heartache I went through because of this feeling I've got for him. Lol... where's the good part, you might be wondering. Well, I never saw my money troubles as a definitive and helpless situation. Even if I'm totally fucked up now by my lack of tact with money I know what to do to get out of this; and I'm sure you can remember of how hopeless I've been feeling.

But what really made me ignite some optimism into my veins were two conversations I had with him. The first made me feel like shit and hate him even more, which is a sign of passion and definitelly wouldn't help me in anything. As for the second chat I finally knew why he didn't pick me back in February; nah, I won't say it here since it's personal stuff. But as I heard him I kept asking myself "why the fuck did I ask it?" and the same reply was always given by my ego "because you're a stupid masochist." True, makes sense... I am one. But how to explain the fact that after that new information I suddenly didn't hate him anymore? Point in fact, not even the overwhelming supposed love that I felt was present. And a wave of happiness that I was unable to let in ever since they came here [and Lord knows how much I've been desiring for more company than Edith - the cat], finally got me.

Right now, as I have musical epiphanies I feel like a gap that's been on the whole thing has been fulfilled. Maybe it's too soon for me to say it's finally my closure, but one thing is true: the tenderness and care I'm feeling towards him now is way better than any previous love. I can breathe now while he looks my way, and I feel compelled to love him for who he is and what he can offer me instead for what I wish him should give me.

Yup, I'm scared to death to face the world again after so many months in prison; it's not easy to start walking again after so many years on a bed. But you know what the lovely Brit says: "don't let today get lost, cos today the sun's on us."

[Song: Today The Sun's On Us - Sophie Ellis-Bextor]

"He'll Never Return It"

His hand rested on mine heavily, as the epitome of my fall: his words once again crushed my heart and I was the main one to be blamed. After all, I chose to be optimistic against all odds that told me otherwise.

He told me Friday night that he no longer saw me as a lover and all that rested was a friendship he really wanted to nurture. Well, friendship is awesome, but for me that was painful. The "just friends" factor is worst than the "reincarnated-ex" factor, when you are drowing in the lava. I told him everything I felt... since everything seemed lost I had to get all of that out of me. That's how my system works, I'd rather have a cancer from all my cigarettes than from the unspoken things. Once again he could've spared me a lot of affliction and pain by simply telling me that before he came. But I won't give into ego like in February, blaming him for things I've brought to myself on my own.

Oh and he came! I was reading a book and waiting for Vinicius, Naiara and Monada in front of a pub at this hype square in Rio Vermelho. I was excited to finally see people I cared so much about [and vice-versa], after a long time! Then Vinicius appeared before me, as hype and cool as only he can get. We hugged and when I turned around, there he was: Éder. Surprise!! I had no idea he was coming and uhg, I died when I saw him right there. My knees weakened, my hands sweated... like when your "heart comes undone, slowly unravels [... then] the devil collects it, with a grin". But none of that was showed, I played the coolest I could until the moment of being honest.

On the following day I could not hide my frustration and anger. The night before I spooned him, but it was all so wrong, I knew it... I still did it. Just like a drug you feel like you need but you just want it so badly you see nothing clearly. This is no drama-queening, but my heart ached with a pain I had never felt before, while my whole body felt as tired as a post marathon status. And I still felt like that all day long. I couldn't even speak directly to him and though I believe I had reasons [it's not easy to be dumped and exactly love the person right after it] I hurt myself even more for feeling bad about bitching. I ate like a beggar and shopped like Paris Hilton. Not to mention the million cigarettes I had until the Nave.

Last night as we all walked by the beach I finally told him I would try to be contented with what he could offer me, "even though I'm not used to it. But you must do something on your part, like not treating me weirdly just beacuse now you know I'm in love with you." So he took my arm and laced it with his. I know not how to describe what I felt. I just know it was not good... because it wasn't enough.

My heart was stolen, and...

[Song: Unravel - Björk]

Well...

...my heart's burned.
More on that later.
[Song: Dull Flame Of Desire - Björk]

"You Don't Need Love..."

This song lines post tittle thing got me good.

Nina was kinda sick last night so I went to her house to make her company, and she became the second person, after the ho, to tell me just to give up. The ones who know me know I'm an unashamed quitter; I have no problem in giving up when it's convenient. This time should be... and it probably is.

Once more in my life I find myself facing a crossroad where things are unclear but maybe it's just me darkening my vision; or maybe not. Part of me screams déjà vu, another pleads for a little bit of faith; which of them is my self-sabotaging ego? That's where I stand.

Posts before I said emphatically about my cleverness in not letting old fantasies recuperate their way into the sun. You know what we think of people who are too sure; I judged myself too clever and overheard Isobel's moth's message. Very typical.

May will be a very introspective month... I'll try not to get too depressed in the meantime; even if my theme song this month is Possibly Maybe.

[Song: Don't Back Down - Saint Etienne]

"May, the 3rd"

Alcoholic unities: 0
Caloric unities: 0
Cigarettes: 0
[Holy shit, it's 6am! Why the fuck am I up?]

For the first time in this lifetime I'm back to Salvador, but not exactly present and happy. Yup, bla-bla-bla and whining on the dancefloor now. But after a weekend in Conquista, in which what was expected wasn't exactly gotten, but much more of what was thought was gained, return to my tedious routine definitely isn't exciting. But, what can I do?

May's resolutions:

- Delete daydreaming from my lexicon.

- Go out less, study more and save more money.

- To think about that person is absolutely forbidden.

- Get a fuck buddy.

- Keep last-minute-made, crazy and useless resolutions.

[Song: Possibly Maybe - Björk]

PS: You can see through the song that it ain't working.

"All At Once Comes The Silence"

Some places have themselves enough to make you fall for them. Others rely on the people to mesmerize you. Conquista, to me, for a long time was either of those. There's nothing to do in this town and considering I'm mostly a total reclused snob I ignore its people as well. Until January when I became a better version of myself. These last three days in Conquista were marvelous.

Last night The Cigarette Club went out. The town, of course, had nothing to offer so we had to make it up for ourselves, touring on the city's bars and drinking heavily in each of them. The night before it started was declared to be the Drunk Night, but everybody's inner craps came along with the ride. No, no, no, no, no... it didn't become a boring group therapy session, but feelings were spoken and little steps were taken.

Around 4AM we all tucked sleepy into the car, listening to Madonna. Silence stood still. Hands were held, feelings were boiled inside all over again. Lol... okay, I'm "up in the mess of danger zone" but things here ain't exactly new, so the path is already different. Proposals were made, paranoias were relieved.

Yes, I will miss this place all over again.

[Song: Gone Gone Gone - Madonna]

"When I See You Cry..."

Nothing better than a day after the other.

Guys, you know, I'm human. You also know that I love that Lily Allen song. Dude, that's all that has been buzzing in my mind ever since I learned what I learned tonight.

So, TheCC was in our usual hang out and I was in my usual flirting mode with you know who. Until I learned what I learned [I don't think it's a good thing to say it here since it's personal stuff, but if you're clever enough to put two and two together, you can get a picture]... then I stoped a while, but of course I carried on later. Thing is: I have this stupid silly grin on my face. First because I finally said things I wished I'd said two months ago. Second we're talking about repeated history here people! Tables have turned and I'm not rejoicing on his pain, but I'm glad that he knows how it feels.

As I said on the previous post, most of my fantasies have died with time and I'm clever enough to not let them come out into the sun again, when I learned to live without them. I do believe things are better because there's cleary no hard feelings anymore. So, I do "feel bad for while but then I just smile, I go ahead and smile."

[Song: Smile - Lily Allen]

Soft Like Me

Hey, do you wanna be

And don't you wanna be

Soft like me?

The best part of flirting is when you are totally cool about it. You know, you flirt you make your passes but fuck it if anything happens. Most of the times, I'm like that; last night I was like that. But instead of flirting around I foccused my aim in one target only. That, my friends, is testifying defeat. Well, sometimes not, but mostly you lead yourself to disappointments and deceptions.

Now's the shocking part: I'm not like that!!! Okay, I won't lie I'm a bit excited to make things work; but mostly I'm alright! Last night in Conquista I simply drove around town with my friends in the [unsuccessful] search of a nice party. However we had an awesome time; I was joyous and soft, simply moving from one thing to another with the only disposition of hanging out. Comment Guy was there and let's be honest here guys, I was thrilled that he was. Suddenly you know what I've been talking about.

Am I entering a very dangerous zone? Oh hell yeah of course! I cannot deny the moody days after February; but I believe that now I'm cooler about it, since most of my fantasies were torn two months ago I can say my eyes are more open now. But yes, it's a path filled with ambiguity and blasé moods. Count me in!!!!

[Song: Soft Like Me - Saint Etienne]

Mem Kuf Hey

"Esta semana encontramos a força emocional para se erguer depois do tropeço, para se levantar depois da queda, e para agüentar quando o caminho parecer insuportável."

As the hours to get the bus approached I could not help feeling this little anguish inside. Yesterday I had to come back to Conquista in order to fetch the rest of my stuff, my computer and my new TV; dad and I are travelling back tomorrow in the morning by car.

In my heart I was feeling this weight, this weird sensation of stumbling and going back to things I wish to let go. But, do I really? Everyone who knows me knows I am reasonable when it comes to facing [for real] the dramas; of course I do my scene I just can't help living a cinematic life but when time comes to face the facts I'm an iceberg. So now in my usual egocentric ramblings I wonder if things didn't let go because they simply can't right now or because I don't want them to. Being utterly honest: I still have hopes; which makes me even more pathetic and hopeless.

Madonna [kind of] said once about her 2003 X-Static Process song [from the American Life album]: "This song is about Jesus; about how we give men too much power; including Jesus. The more power we give to men the more fucked up we get [because we tend to lose ability to trust ourselves in order to worshiping an outside male figure]." I've come to terms that I gave too much power to this guy, placing him in such a high place on my standards. The problem now is not the guy himself being there, it's the things and sentiments he represents in my mind becoming a pattern to all my relations. Not his fault at all ["you brought this on yourself and it's high time you left it there"]. However, all this makes me remember a post I wrote four months ago. In it I said I wouldn't erase anything ["there is no such thing as regret"], but now I take it back. Sometimes I wish I could partially lobotomize myself to at least forget all the patterns and high standards I've incorporated and carry on with a daydreamless life.

Zohar tells us this week to pick ourselves up, clean the dirt and walk on. Pisces is often a bitch to make us fall, but it's up to us to fight against depression and getting up. I brough this on myself and it's high time I left it there.

[Song: Slide - Dido]

Men With History

There's a Kabbalist saying that goes "you might be through with the past, but the past might not be through with you." In a society and era where everything happens so fast that you mostly don't have the time to breathe between an event and another, and the notion of time gets so confused that things that happened a while ago feels like an eternity, one might get entangled by the presence of the past in the present.

Almost a year ago I had a crush on a sixteen-year-old boy [those times are finally over] who I made out twice and was totally smitten about [nowdays I don't even know why]. I know it was mainly carnal, but I could tell he liked "my carnal"; days later he dumped me. Reason: a past affair came back from the dead and he decided to invest. Well, I hated the destiny's trick, I hated the fucker, but in the end I got over it.

You all who read this blog followed my sit-com worthy affair with "Comment guy". Comment guy! Lol, in my silly attempt to maintain myself detatched from sidekick feelings I tried to dress up a Holly Golightly behavior, giving him the Ho's and mine usual quirky nicknames, such as "comment guy" or "fuckface" [a fun word that is totally spoiled]. Foolish me ignored the fact that inside of me he already had a name, his own name [imagine this as the Kill Bill Vol. II scene when the Bride's name is revealed]: Éder.

So in our last date before I moved to Salvador I was kind of sick. My throat bitched on me again, but still he stayed with me, ignoring my probable sick breath; we kissed, we talked, we kissed again, we talked more. He offered me a column in his and his friends' fanzine about pop culture; he asked me to call him as I arrived there. Tell me, how not to fall? But that's exactly when things started to fall apart. When I arrived, I called and he never answered; it was like this for the whole week. As you know my brains decided to work over time and turned full creative mode on. Back to Conquista I called him and he said "things happened". Bingo! I had the answer to all my doubts about everything that went on the last week: the disappearance and all the implicating feelings. If you do not know yet, when someone you're having a romantic affair with tells you "things happened" in a sober-wannabe tone, be sure that those things are not good... for you!

This morning, almost 72 hours after that announcement with no more fuss and game details such as "dignity" I decided to call him. Uhg... it was somewhat ridiculous! He stuttered with a weak-ish voice but he finally said what I first thought when I heard the infamous line ["things happened"]: a past affair came back from the dead and he decided to invest. As for me, well I thanked my brains for imagining all the stupidest situations because I was able to tune up to my most stoic side and sounded serene and slightly cold. Of course it was all a bit awkward, because despite everything [?] we had, we never acted as if we needed to explain things to each other. But there he was making his speech, and here I was feeling relieved. I had my closure, I can move on.

And I will; but I won't be a hypocrite in saying I'm not angry or heartbroken. I love mystery, but suspense is just cruel and the level of suspense you make someone go through tells a lot of how much you care about this person. It proves once again the fact that we never know how much of our actions will affect other people, directly or not. After the call I felt angrier with myself for just at that moment being able to process/remember in my mind all the things I wished to say to him. Truth be told I wanted to bitch on him until he felt like shit, but in the end I'm glad I didn't; last thing I need now is another ego-trip. And things happened so quickly that I fell on time's trick. I felt like we were together for ages and we had a whole future ahead. But the same fast way things started between us, they ended with a casual encounter of his with the past, just fresh and raw like that.

I don't blame him for the things I felt in this period; yes he could have avoided all the painful suspense [I won't take that fault away from him] but the "painful" is addition of mine, I decided to come and investigate and face all the consequences that came along. He told me he was still a bit confused about everything [because this guy hurt him], sounding like "hey I'm not sure about this yet so stick around". But that's just not me, I'm not the type of guy who stands and waits for other people to make me happy; as you know I have no shame in casting dignity aside and going after what I want at the moment. Being utterly honest I was liking him, point in fact I think I still do, but I'll just carry on.

After all, why should I feel sad for what I never had?

[Song: The Power Of Good-Bye - Madonna]

This Is NO Good!

Today I went to the cinema alone; I LOVE going to the cinema alone, just me and my thoughts about the movie I'm watching. Not that I don't like company in the theatres, but I usually prefer my solitude.

Not today. As soon as I finished my cigarette and entered the mall I bought my ticket and got into the room, after buying my usual large Coke. The film was The Blood Diamond [meeeh!] and the most exciting things were the 3rd Spider-Man and the 5th Harry Potter trailers. As I got more and more bitter about the movie all I wished was someone with me. Someone I could share my bitterness with, someone to laugh with me at the silly things of the movie, someone I could do a quick comment about the performances or the screenplay. And you know, I'm not talking about a friend...

The thing is, in my pursuit of mind occupation I've watched movies. This morning I saw Boy George's marvelous musical Taboo, an outrageous and hilarious play about the 80's underground club culture; in the late afternoon I drove without direction and ended up in the mall to see The Blood Diamond and as soon as I got home I watched The House Of The Spirits, with G-d Meryl Streep and a delightful-to-watch Winona Ryder.

The thing in common between them? Lucas felt the loneliest of people. I hate when I get this romantic wave, especially after a long, fun and secure period of manless bitterness. It's funny how we complain the lack of romance in our lives and when we finally get it we want back the firstly-hated apathy. In the airheaded-hesitant-dunno-what-we-want bitches' defense I say: apathy hurts much less than unresponded romance.

I'll definitelly be more careful with the things I wish from now on. As a friend said tonight on MSN, the solution is becoming the quintessence of blasé.

[Song: Hung Up - Madonna]

Hey Ho!!

Yaaay!! I finally found out what everyone needs to be overwhelmingly happy!!

ROLLERSKATES!!

Sure, of course some bruises will come along [duuh, nothing's for free!] but man, rollerskating is beyond fun!! I need a pair of those yesterday!!

PS: Pay no attention to my nonsense. I'm just trying to occupy my brains with something so I stop making suppositions about... FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

[Song: Hung Up - Madonna]

Bad Timing

You know in this post I was supposed to tell how the author of the comment was revealed; in other words I was to talk about the rave I went last Sunday. I will, but not specifically.

Last night I went out to get drunk with the guys. The guys were a friend of mine, the Comment guy and his friends from college. I was an hour late and as soon as I arrived where they were, they paid the bill and we headed to another bar; they were all tipsy and it looked like The Alcoholic Tour 2007; the bar we stopped was this cheap place, actually a house where we went straight to the most hidden room. We were all sat and being loud as drunkards should be and somehow He and I ended up sitting by each other's side; I was nervous of course, you see I'm very outspoken and to-the-point with lust, but need I to say that daydreamings have much little to do with lust?

The atmosphere was sort of tense as they were left by themselves. Lucas had anticipated that moment for a while, it was his chance to get things started for real. But suddenly all his wittiness and slyness seemed to have gotten out of the room with the rest of their friends. Lucas mumbled and stuttered something, He kept looking at Lucas waiting for what he was to speak; Lucas pretended amnesia, he couldn't simply talk about his thoughts of the last days, his daydreaming and obsession. What if He decided to run away in the other direction?

As I said, I like taking the lead of things; controlling is what I mean. I'm the guy who goes straight to the point and say what I mean [with my usual metaphors and bitterness of course], I'm the crotch-grabber, the eager kisser... but there, at that moment all of this vanished away, I was just a guy with this huge feeling of possibility, desperately wanting his brain to work and create some cheap talk for that awkward hour. As you all know as well, I'm a lazy person; I don't care in doing the job when I must do it but when someone offers to do it for me it's a party!

He insisted in knowing what Lucas meant to say with the grunts; the latter hating inspiration for running dry at that odd moment just smiled and bit his lower lip; you might say this was a slutty move to make an impression, but Lucas bit his lower lip all the time, okay! And this time was more a sign of nerves than seduction. But suddenly He just came close, approached his head towards Lucas who felt this huge carnival inside of him and then they kissed.

He held my hand; after we kissed he held my hand; this might sound ordinary to you but it was new to me, no other guy had held my hand before. There's a part of me that never cared for that stuff, my Samantha Jones self was always pleased when they grabbed my ass so when he held my hand I didn't know how to react, so I just smiled and responded the gesture.

After they were kicked out of the bar [it was closing] they headed towards the same direction. Then Lucas felt this amazing feeling, because conversation flew normally. No weird silences, no out of sudden subjects, everything in the best of stream of consciousness way. They made out on every dark corner on the path, they talked about everything. Lucas mentioned the comment, saying how lovely it was; He thought Lucas would think it was cliché and corny. How could it be? Okay, it was bit cliché but a well conducted one, after all it had mystery enough to make Lucas feel curious and excited about it. "A secret admirer! I have a secret admirer, how cool is that!" He stepped back in time, in the first time they met in Spiritual Camp [don't ask!] 5 years ago. Lucas and his memory of course didn't remember him; "of course you wouldn't remember! I was just this 13-year-old brat asking you Shakira's album! But I liked you right there... you jumping in the pool with Alais playing around, you looked so cute. And I remember feeling all fuzzy when you sat by my side during one of the prayers," He told, making Lucas obviously melt; the things you notice and the things you don't. Lucas would've never thought of him as the writer of that comment, honestly Lucas didn't exactly remember him.

We sat on a bench under a tree in front of his condominium and we talked more; I mouthed around speaking in my usual Lorelai Gilmore way. Everything was great and cute; I felt romantic but not mellow, realizing we had a lot in common like sarcasm and irony ["everyone who hates irony should die!"] and I couldn't help but thinking of what a bad timing this all was happening... me going to Salvador by the end of the week. Uhg! But you know what fuck it! I could choose not to go through it, but then I wouldn't be feeling this cool. It might be bad timing, but it's the time we have and I'm gonna enjoy it! At least I won't be filled with regret for have let it go when I had the chance to hold it. Fuck bad timing!

Lucas: "I was hit by 3 guys at the rave, but none of them had intersted me. I don't know why..."

He: "I love the way you dance!! So free and careless... your hair, your smile, your lips. You were beyond cute that night."

Lucas: "You're kidding me? I dance like a cuckoo whore!"

He: "No you don't!"

Lucas: "You were the cute one! I remember looking at you in the morning and realizing at that moment that I wanted you."

Maybe you [aka I] could say we're late, after all the comment was posted almost a year ago. But who said that Saturday is our deadline? It's not like we're dying anytime soon, and it's not like we're already dating, to the point of having to maintain a distant relationship. So like everything else in my life, I'll jump on it. No I'm not letting go of my control freakness, but maybe it won't hurt to pause it for a while.

Let it will be...

[Song: Hug My Soul - Saint Etienne]

I Hate You Brains!!

I started 2006 [uhg, I promise this is no restrospective post, this is just an intro] transcripting my summer journals. On the 8th part I talked about the beach, but it was a comment I got that caught my attention. Eleven months after it the author of the message is revealed. He's one of the members of theCC.

For the lazy readers [hi Ho!] I'll transcript here the comment that got me:

"i should know that a guy like you could only be who you are.

hahhah i met you years ago, in a place where i couldn't breathe.

and i liked you

and i didn't tell you that

and i regret for it...

someday we'll meet again

i hope"

The revelation of the author happened in a way that takes a longer post and a less tired poster, so if you're curious stay tuned [I always wanted to say that]. The thing I'm really wanting to say here and now is that I fucking hate my brains for being beyond imaginative and start daydreaming!! Yeah, I'm already picturing situations and lives, even if I don't know what that comment exactly meant!

I fucking hate myself!

[Song: Too Far - Kylie Minogue]