Random thoughts: From loneliness to disappointment...

"I've been so high
I've been so down
Up to the skies
Down to the ground

I was so blind
I could not see
Your paradise
Is not for me"

... Last night as I watched this beautiful Grey's Anatomy episode about loneliness, I could not help feeling the same way a bit. Not that I'm a social freak who doesn't have any friends and stuff, or is desperatelly seeking for a lover. But even though I enjoy my freedom and independence, I do miss someone to watch TV with me sometimes... I'll call an exorcist!!!!!!

(...) I got screwed up on French exam yesterday. I'm so fucking pissed!! How could I forget 2rd person from plural is êtes (être = to be) and 3rd person from plural is ont (avoir = to have)!

(...) I miss my latin ho Jose, my Canadian bitch Janine, my crazy-beautiful American Alais, my goofy angel Juliana, my boring charming Filipe and a certain friendship that probably will never be the same again...

I wanna call!! But I must play hard!

(...) I hate bills!!!

(...) I miss throwing my arms to the air and dancing like a crazy bitch...

This week I downloaded Jewel's forthcoming album, Goodbye Alice In Wonderland, and never been so disappointed with an idol. It's pure repetitive boring crap, but I've talked about it so much this week that I'm starting to become her.
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Why do I feel this way? I'm bored and unsatisfied with everything. Maybe that's good... But the only thing that moves me lately is someone that I don't know.

[Song: Paradise (Not For Me) - Madonna]

Miracle? Maybe yeah...

There is something I learned with a certain someone I really care about (and I ended up hurting - uhg, sometimes I can't help being a big fat cliché bitch!): if you have something good to say, say it. However, how am I supposed to know if it's good or not?

So, in a week I was prone to walk towards my own miracles I find myself wrapped up in a mess I built myself: too much college stuff to do and too little time to. So my blood was substituted by Red Bull and in 5 days I had slept only 6 hours!!! \o/ yeeeey... greatest part: there was a big rave party that started on Thursday and ended yesterday; I was so excited about it, but on the previous day I was so tired I couldn't even see another can of Red Bull, that I wanted to faint. In conclusion: how do you find miracles in such scenario? Ask Mariah Carey.

There I was fusing my head with Massoud Moisés and Antonio Candido's thoughts about Brazillian and Portuguese Literature when out of nowhere I feel this urge to listen to Shake It Off, and I HATE that song. But instead of bitching about it I asked for it for the one person I knew that had, that's how everything started.

In the end of last night I was sure the hurt was somewhat gone and the power of good-bye was stronger than any regret or bitterness. He was so sweet as always and as I listened to Annie's (she my new favorite bitch) No Easy Love I could not help feeling good to all that was happening.

And now I think: was that my miracle of the week? Who knows... maybe yes, but one thing I'm sure: it feels great to overcome ego.

[Song: Heartbeat - Annie]

What the heck is Easter anyways?

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Things that upset me the most...

1 - Be internet-less when I most need it (and I always need it).

2 - Realize I still have feelings over people I should be over a long time ago.

3 - Realize I have crushes on motherfucking blond, hot, cute, BUT straight men (ohhh he's soo delicious, thank G-d I hardly see him).

4 - Have crushes on motherfucking hot, clever, straigh men that I see everyday.

5 - Be horny and not being as sassy, hot and brave as Samantha Jones.

6 - Anticipate imported DVDs that were supposed to arrive 5 days ago.

7 - Be lazy when I can't be and feel proactive when I should be lazy.

8 - Be a pennyless poet. (Lol, my gayness could not let me miss a Moulin Rouge mention.)

9 - Have boring classes when I wanted to be having sweet music* (Uhh... now a Kylie mention!)

10 - Be too chicken-shit to call him...

*sweet music = sex.

[Song: Sweet Music - Kylie Minogue]

[Quit Session: And we can get/ Crazy like that/ Feel it like that/ Move it like that/ Drop it like that/ Rocking the track/ I'm looking for that new sensation// Woo-hoo, I think we're onto something/ Your taste it mirrors mine/ So hot and in the moment/ Let's beat this demo right/ Or I might just lose it/ When we make sweet music]

Brokeback Mountain

Today I finally watched Brokeback Mountain (BBM). And to my (non) surprise: I didn't like it that much!

Okay, the film is beautiful, sensitive and unpretentious. Ang Lee would've made an average love story movie if it weren't about gay cowboys. As my friend Le Ho said, if they were a boy and a girl BBM would be a mexican soap opera. Alright, shall I not be so bitter and say the good points of it first: Michelle Williams!!! I've always loved her since Dawson's Creek, but in BBM she was just genius! He made me like her more than the main characters. Same goes for Anne Hathaway that despite of appearing just to show her tits and bad dying was delicious as a clever and bright business womam former cowgirl. I also liked Heath Ledger! I mean, who'd say that 10 Things I Hate About You charming delinquent could actually act? I also liked the fact that we never feel like Lee is trying to make a gay or any kind of statement during the film.

That leads to main reason I didn't like the movie so much. I'm sorry but I got entangled in the whole gay icon crap that the movie (unintentionally) became!! As I said above, Ang Lee never said he was going to do a gay movie and suddenly the whole gay comunity was all fuzzy about it. Is Brokeback Mountain a controversial movie? Yes! Especially because Hollywood and society want us gays to be quiet in our closets listening to Madonna and Kylie Minogue, transforming sleezy straights into metrossexual blokes and being crazy and funny in Will And Grace! People can't just accept the fact that there are non-stereotype homossexuals, neither that a movie about them can be done. BUT, that was never what Ang Lee and his work were trying to say. In any moment you see "gay" or "queer" people there, you see two men that feel (sexual) attraction and end up falling in love with each other. But still the whole world spoiled it (at least to me) with stupid statements and ideals the movie never tried to endorse.

Other reasons that made me not love it: 1 - what a boring cinematography!!! After 30 minutes of movie I swore that if I saw any other sheep, I'd leave the room (si, yo soy a big fat drama queen)!! 2 - Jake Gyllenhal, all he did was stand there and be cute (as always), and his moustache freaked me out. 3 (to finish my whining): WHERE IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING WORLD THAT SCORE WAS BETTER THAN GEISHA'S?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean, who actually paid attention to that score?! I just remembered it got an Oscar when the movie was over and I was thinking about the awards it got. Williams was soooo robbed!!

[Song: Dangerous Game - Kylie Minogue... I just can't get it out of my head! (yay!! I'm corny)]

9 Months

Please give me back
All the poems I wrote you
Would you please give me back
Every song I linked to you
I just miss them now
And I feel like never having again
My inspiration back for
Everything feels connected to you

I know that I’ve messed up
And I’m not calling for forgiveness
I just want my normality
Back to where it shouldn’t be taken from
You gave me a lot of lights
But they all turned off when you told me
I had not provided any good moments in 36 weeks

Every second I live is
Like a reminder of my mistake
Every breath that I take is
Like the poison I must be free from
And there’s no such thing as regret
But I do regret what I’ve done
Not the act itself, just my behavior
Before the unspoken words

I know that I’ve messed up…

And here’s what I think
I don’t think what I did was monstrosity
I’m human as you and
Our stakes were higher than what we could bet
What I did was not right
But I never lied about the love I felt
And when we cheat and lie
It means things aren’t that well
And just now I see
How my ego was the only voice in me
Everything’s gone so quickly and
I only want us all to be happy (free)
Until one day in the end, friends be

by Lucas Oliveira Dantas
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Okay ho, should I send him or should I keep my legs shut?!

[Song #1: Dangerous Game - Kylie Minogue]
[Song #2: Burning Up - Ashlee Simpson]

Hamster

Through the whole day I've been facing gloom and sadness. Why? Death.

Although I have this honest relationship with death, as I've already posted here, I really don't think (anymore) I will ever be prepared to face it. And I can't tell which is worst, a sudden death or an announced one. For now, I'd say the announced one.

I might be scarying you with this morbid talk, but I indeed have been experiencing loss in my life. No, it's not a relative or even myself, it's a pet. Yes!! I get emotional over pets too, after all I'm a human being provided with feelings and every normal human being evolve feelings over their pets. These little thingies seem to appear out of nowhere and when you notice your bond with them are sometimes stronger than with most people you know.

Since the beginning of this month I've been aware that my little hamster Perebas could die at any moment. He had lost his funny pet glow, had been eating less and less and now he's totally furless, the skin covered with hideous ulcers and very skinny. I never thought I'd see him so ugly or in grieve. I guess we never expect that and I'm so sorry for him that I'd be glad if he died soon to end his suffering.

And as every pet of my family, Perebas, the Hamster, has gazillion names. Some of them are: Rato (given by my father and I), Rodney (by my friend Fernanda), Valdir (by my friend Diego) and Peludinho (by my friend Juliana). But are in times like these you wish you were like Holly Golightly, who never named the Cat, so they'd never get attached to each other.

Perebas, however, has a lot of names...

[Song: Take Me With You - Kylie Minogue]

The Susan Meyers Syndrome

Isn't it genius when your birthday is fulfilled joy and happiness?! My birthday this year was... *drums*.... inexpressive!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a day that felt more like everything else in my life, I turned to 19, and despite my shrink's sayings that when we reach 19, everything in life tends to change, evolve and mature, I still feel the same. Of course I wasn't expecting the changes to come at the very first minute of my birthday, but along with the whole fear and butterflies that every change brings, came the bitterness.

It's not always easy to see that someone that once was important to you and that now you don't like is moving on faster than you. Just like Susan Meyers (from Desperate Housewives) I want everyone to be happy, but I want me to be happy first. Sorry if I sound selfish, but, yes, I'm selfish at this moment!! For a minute I regret not moving as fast as him, but you see: in my life, things are supposed to be done my way. And my way is slower, thank you.

But my B-day wasn't all filled with bitterness. I had amazing moments with some of my friends. Naaa, Mah, Karla and I played around with the camera and took some amazing pics. I had my fun. Also, as some sort of homage to myself, I asked a friend of mine to post on my photolog and the bitch totally messed everything by making this HUGE joke with a not-so-serius pic of mine. To know what I'm talking about visit: http://www.fotolog.com/lucaswoodstock/ .

[Song: Trás de Mi - RBD]

Que Hay Detrás

Isn't it amazing when the simplest things in life makes you glow radiant. After a period of boredom I've found my fun in something I was too judgemental to look at: RBD.

Okay, you're thinking "ew that mexican trash", and that's exactly what I used to think before I even get to listen to them. However, their songs are fun, cute and sweet. They have a charming charisma that drains out all the bitterness. In other words, they're simple and easy Pop and I'm always drowned to that. This weekend I downloaded their upcoming album Live In Hollywood, an acoustic version of their sophomore, Nuestro Amor. And I know most of these groups are manipulated managers and marketing people, I was blown away when I read that RBD chooses their own repertoire and in this particular album they had meaningful participation on the arrangements and songwriting.

But, all this RBD talk is there to lead me to the point that nothing's what it seems. As Jewel says "it's not all dirty but it's not all clean" and that's how I've decided to face my boredom. It's like a fever, a sign that something's not going well. Que hay detrás de la monotonía?

The thing is, I can't stand my college anymore. Last year I felt fulfilled about it, but only because I still didn't know what I wanted with my course. Now, everything seems shallow and incomplete and I can't get no satisfaction (I know, I'm campy!!). One night when the Portuguese Literature professor told us to analyze an Almeida Garrett poem, a group got into a deeper analysis that indeed needed some critic substance, but instead of pushing us onto that way by advising us to do some research about it and even though she agreed that their interpretation had back-up, she pulled us back to the simple surface of the poem. I can't say if it was her ego that reacted to the fact that simple graduation students noticed something she (a master degree) didn't see, but that's not what you do with knowledge. Plato never held his knowledge to himself.

But I won't keep complaining over crap. I've talked with people and decided to change college, even thought that obliges me to do the dreadful Vestibular all over again. But I deserve the better and I will get better. Porque yo no quiero la superficie, intento a ver lo que hay detrás.

[Song: Que Hay Detrás - RBD]

PS: Ha, I love Spanish!!

The Summer Journals - Finale

The 15th and 16th Of January, 2006 – “The End”

People face death differently. When somebody close to them passes away, they tend to cry, suffer and even fall into despair before the perspective of never having the presence of that one again. They remember the moments and even lament on the things they should had done and didn’t, and the ones they shouldn’t had done and did. In some cases they believe in afterlife, but still blame G-d for the loss, choosing not to understand His will and means.

As if nothing too touching haven’t happened during these holidays, an uncle of mine died to due to a car wreck. He had three kids, my favorite cousins, and they reacted very much like I said above.

I, however, started to think about it al. Ironically, I’m reading a Kabbalah book that claims that it’s in the moments of grieve we should praise G-d’s benevolence. Absolutely nothing in this world happens by chance and when we feel the burden of pain, that’s when we should ask ourselves why we’re going through all that. G-d definitelly would not make us suffer to fulfill a sadic pleasure.

This is how I see death: when one dies, one’s time here is done and it’s the time for him to work and send his energies on and from the spiritual world. The flesh is gone and it rottens. It’s not the person. The person is his actions, his behavior and the way he treated the world. So, when I see my cousins and all these small town folks suffering over my uncle’s corpse, I feel relieved to death from that angle.

My uncle was a marvelous person and I don’t know anyone who could say that din’t like him. He wasn’t perfect and as all human beings had his faults. But most of his life was lived in a good way and that is what to be really considered.

I cannot tell or foresee how my feelings and I will behavewjem someone close to me dies. However, I know myself enough to be centered, and know that death is just a passageway, and definitely not the end.

I started these holidays being born again, after the car accident I had before Christmas, and now a relative dies. As if a cycle was completed. The Creation always renews itself and as part of it we should renew as well. There’s no point in wandering about the same spot, evolution is the way to go and that’s why we should move on with the world. Death is just the end of one cycle of life, but it’s not the end of everything.
However, when my uncle died I felt that cycle was being finished. This is the end of my holidays and I already feel the chills of getting back to the routine. I don’t often make New Year’s resolutions, this time although I will.
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I'm in São Paulo. I hope I get to do everything I'm supposed to...

[Song: Some Kind Of Bliss - Kylie "G-d" Minogue]

The Summer Journals - Part 8

The 12th Of January, 2006 – “The Beach”

I was never a big fan of beach, but once I saw Barra’s ocean I fell in love.

I do have sweet childhood memories about beaches. Salvador was always a holiday resource and I lived in other coastal towns. But as I grew up, I lost my interest about such environment.

In these vacations, however, I wanted to feel the ocean under my feet again. At first be mesmerized by the soothing scent of sea air, then lay my toes on the dry sand and walk on it towards the sea, feeling the sand getting wetter, until the wave break on my ankles. On the horizon ahead, just the supposed infinite line, after which there’s a great abyss, as I would think when a child.

All these sweet fantasies were brought again while Mariana and I were on the beach. Not even the almost theft could spoil the magic of moment.

Mariana said the ocean is the most powerful expression of nature we can be immersed in, and after today’s experience, I agree with her. While we swimed in the calm deep water of Barra harbor sea, we remembered the funny teen tales and other great and amusing stories of the last two years: all of them bathed on that marvelous ocean and sometimes dazzled by the beauty of those beach men.
Oh my! I gotta love (live in) this town!!

The Summer Journals - Part 7

The 10th Of January, 2006 – “The Ultimate”

All happened in a sudden: I was checking my emails and then I was SMS-ing this old friend of mine so we could meet.

I was so excited but I kept my cool, because I was meeting someone I didn’t see in two years. She used to be one of my dearest friends back at school times, especially because of our fights and disagreements, but 24 months are a lot and we surely changed and evolved during this peirod; I did, and she definitely would be “bigger”.

And she was. Mariana seemed way freer and way more liberated than the last time I had seen her. But the best part: she is still the same clever, quick, ironic, funny and talkative girl as always. So, since we met at Iguatemi mall (in a very spontaneous way: she was in this very fancy store and while I went down the escalator we glanced each other, and she did this absolutely Mariana-esque gesture: waved her arms high, opened her mouth widely as if she was screaming and gave little jumps; then I went there and we hugged fondly.), until the moment we parted, all we did was talking (we couldn’t stop ourselves – so many days passed, so many things to tell…).

Anyways, we walked along Oceânica avenue, in Barra, and later settled at this neat bar filled with foreigner tourists, Le Creppe. And we talked, and we drank, and talked, and had “lambreta” (some kind of seafood), and I drank, and then crabs, I drank more, then more talk (we never stopped actually, not even during crabs and lambretas), more drinks, more talk… and I was already very tipsy, and absolutely loving each moment.

Meeting Mariana was the ultimate part of the contact to the past. A past I was once stupidly afraid to meet again and in the end, turned out to be more delicious than ever. As myself, the past changed, evolved into present and walks right by my side. “Thank you terror, thank you disillusionment, thank you frailty, thank you consequence, thank you silence”: to know the ones I love are building up and changing with me is wonderful.

[Note: All this was written while rocked by genius Alanis Morissette, especially: Purgatorying, Thank You, Everything and Ironic.]

The Summer Journals - Part 6

The 7th Of January, 2006 – “The Art”

I really could not not mention the importance of movies in my summer. Last year, trapped in laziness, I failed to watch many great films on theatres, and now DVDs tend to bore me. This year, however, since I don’t have much to do (this is me being very unfair about Salvador – so don’t take me so serius), I go to the movies.

First one I saw this summer was King Kong. I had great expectations about this. Kong + Peter Jackson + Naomi Watts + Adrien Brody… c’mon! Well, I got a bit disappointed, for it turned out to be less than I expected. The cast was, in my opinion, wasted (I still loved Watts trying to amuse the big monkey, but it started to bore me after a while); besides, the real star is King Kong, aka the special effects. The movie is a visual feast and for that deserves to be watched. It wins for its entertaining capacity, but when Jackson tries to add a deep and dramatic tone to the narration (the 1929 crisis scenario, the mystery about the kid of the ship – that ended not being solved – and his relationship with the black cool guy, etc etc), it ends up being very pretentious.

Later on, I saw The Producers. Ha! Amazing!! Come on, anything that has Uma Thruman deserves to be watched! (Even crappy Be Cool – although I don’t have the guts to spend my money renting it.) Anyways, The Producers was the first musical I ever saw on the silver screen and it was dazzling. The cast is unquestionable (Uma , Nathan Lane and Mathew Broderick are G-d and Will Ferell is perfect), the songs keep coming in and out of my brains, the dancing scenes are delicious, the dialogues are funny, sarchastic and smart. I so loved it I even watched twice! And I’m sure I’ll watch more (because there’s absoluteluy nothing interesting to be watched now).

I also saw this “OK” thriller, Stay, with Ewan “HOT” McGregor, Naomi “Always Great” Watts and Ryan “Yummy” Goshlin.

Then, tonight, I saw a new Brazillian romantic comedy, ...Se Eu Fosse Você. Cool comedy about a couple that trades body (he becomes her and vice-versa)… no surprise! But it turned out to be funny and unpretentious. Besides, the lead actors, Glória Pires and Tony Ramos, are geniuses!

So, against my dad’s will we remained on the mall to see one more movie. The most awaited (by me) of the season: The Family Stone. I already knew Sarah Jessica Parker was nomineed for the Golden Globes, for this movie, but my main interest was my darling, loving, beautiful Rachel McAdams. Nevertheless, I got surprised by the whole cast. It’s the most adorable cast I’ve seen in ages! You absolutely love everyone in it. The movie is a bit Winter/Christmas Hollywood cliché, that everyone gets touched by the snow (what’s so thrilling about it anyway?), you laugh all the time and in end get all teary-eyed. But the cast saves it all: Diane Keaton is G-d, Luke Wilson is so sexy, hot and yummy as the geeky brother, same goes for McAdams (I already raved on her, so I’ll give you a break now), Claire Danes who is beyond beautiful, lovely and stunning, and Sarah, of course, is perfect! I’ll certainly be happy if she gets the Globe.

The Songs Of 2005

I can’t even remember when music started to be one of the greatest parts of my daily life. Everyone who knows me personally, knows I’m always singing something and while all my friends spend their money in clothes, shoes or alcohol, every little penny I get goes to music industry. Despite of hearing more artists than I did in 2004, 2005 was a very homogeneous year as well. During the year, there were months or bimesters I could only hear one artist. From March to May, for example, Natalie Imbruglia reigned on my CD player. Here the list goes:

1. Hung Up (Madonna): Jose will call me a jealous bitch, because he had written the same post on his blog and the first song of his list is the same of mine. But since he knows I’m a Madge freak like him, he’ll understand no other song could occupy this spot of the list. Well, “Hung Up” was the best thing of 2005. After months of anticipation and a short and unexpected period of musical boredom (dark days when music died… to be more specific: when Mariah Carey and J-Lo were everywhere – bitter drama queen moment), “Hung Up” leaked “and everything went from wrong to right”. I was sure Madonna’s new single would knock me down as soon as I heard it, and it did: ask my knees and feet if they are the same after Hung Up’s launch.

PS: This spot actually belongs to the whole Confessions On A Dance Floor album, but since I can’t put an entire album in it, I chose its ambassador: “Hung Up”.

2. Confide In Me (Kylie Minogue): 2005 was the year that I became a Kylie fan. Ironically, the year before I used to loathe her. After Jose and the “Madonna environment” inject Kylie slowly into my veins, I started to look up for more of her. So I knew Spinning Around, The Loco-Motion, etc etc. I Believe In You and Giving You Up had made me Kylie-friendly months before, but when I bought Ultimate Kylie, it was “Confide In Me” that made me lose my mind. For a latin drama queen like me, that string section is heaven.

3. Counting Down The Days (Natalie Imbruglia): This woman swayed the first part of my relationship with Vag. I definitelly became a fan, for I have all of her albums, but what makes me love this woman is the fact that each song written by her fits perfectly in a certain moment of ours. “Counting Down The Days” is rather obvious, but there’s also, Satellite and Come September from the White Lilies Island album. Now, all of her songs make me think of something that is in the past and sound very aged.

4. Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Lindsay Lohan): After Rumors and Over I thought Lindsay’s music career was worthless attention. When I first heard “Confessions Of A Broken Heart”, however, something inside me clicked: “she’s genius!” With simple and kind of obvious lyrics, this song is interesting because it reveals a part of La Lohan that most of us don’t know (or don’t care to know): the deep, heartfelt girl who lives under the celebrity skin. I was always a fan of her movie career, but after this I love everything she does.

5. Humble Me (Norah Jones): Do you know how many times I must’ve heard this song last year? Neither do I. Strangely enough, it stuck into my brains for the entire year! I lost count of the times I caught myself singing or hmm-ing it while I walked around Marilia.

6. Hollaback Girl (Gwen Stefani): I spent an exact year into Gwen Stefani. In 2004, What You Waiting For? and Rich Girl blew my mind, and when I downloaded the whole album, Cool and The Real Thing were the best things of that year aside Madonna, and it (the album) made me not only a Gwen fan, but also, a No Doubt fan. In 2005, in a moment I thought I’d be already out of Gwen, “Hollaback Girl” hit Brazil. I knew it before, of course, but just then it blew my mind. The sassy, fun and misunderstood lyrics are delightful, it’s the beat, nevertheless, that wins. There’s no way I hear Hollaback Girl and don’t shake my ass like a good ho.

7. Don’t Cha Wanna Ride? (Joss Stone): Just because it’s my song with Nathalia. She turned out to be one of my best friends and this song makes me think of her. Besides, it’s fun, unpretencious and cool: as music is supposed to be.

8. Aire (Fey/Mecano): Whether sung by Fey or Ana Torrojan, this song is perfect by its surreal deepness. Jose, firstly, got me into Fey. However, the song sung by her that I loved was “Aire”, so it was just a step for me to become a Mecano admirer.

9. Pieces Of Me (Ashlee Simpson): Ha! This one’s the best! I H-A-T-E-D Ashlee Simpson. For me, she was just someone who was taking the ride of her unbearable sister’s (Jessica Simpson) fame to release an album. Suddenly, “Pieces Of Me” hooked into my mind for almost a week and I decided to finally listen to her music, so I could have basis for criticism. Ha, it bit my ass, because instead of hating it, I loved and now I’m a fan!

10. Over To You Now (Britney Spears): Right after Britney’s marriage I started to refuse her, and don’t even ask why because I don’t know, and don’t care in investigating. But after a whole year ignoring her work I simply couldn’t ignore this song, released as a b-side from the Japanese edit of Someday (I Will Understand). It rapidly entered my and Jose’s Sluts On A Dance Floor playlist and it turned me into a hopeless fan again.

11. Ainda Bem (Vanessa da Mata): This is the first Brazillian artist I become a fan since Sandy and Junior. My father introduced me to Vanessa’s music and at first I didn’t care much, but soon I fell in love with “Ainda Bem” and the Essa Boneca Tem Manual album.

12. Night And Day (Ella Fitzgerald): This one is simple: Cole Porter is genius and Ella Fitzgerald is G-d! “Night And Day” is the song that got me back into Jazz, especially Ella. This song gives me chills up and down my spine, I get butterflies in my stomach when it plays and my heart speeds up. But only Miss Fitzgerald’s version turns me on like that.

13. Screwed (Paris Hilton)/ Bucky Done Gun (M.I.A.)/ Dako É Bom (Tati Quebra Barraco): Just for the sake of being sassy, frivolous and trivial every now and then. Just for the sake of shaking my ass and being a slut whenever I feel like it. Just for the sake of doing whatever I want and listening to whatever I want to.

Others:

14. All I Really Want – Acoustic Version (Alanis Morissette) = …give me butteflies…
15. Better The Devil You Know/Shocked/What Do I Have To Do? (Kylie Minogue) = …3 Dance Music anthems…
16. Lala (Ashlee Simpson) = …sexy and cool…
17. Step Back In Time (Kylie Minogue) = …last tune of the year…
18. Whenever You Feel Like It (Kylie Minogue) = …cute and makes me dance…
19. Do Somethin’ (Britney Spears) = …infectious…
20. Rumors/Over (Lindsay Lohan) = …first is a slut hymn… second is beautiful…
21. Everlasting Love/Twentysomething/But For Now (Jamie Cullum) = …just because Cullum’s damn cute and deserves to be in this list.

The Summer Journals (Part 5)

The 4th Of January, 2006 – “The Frivolous”

Boys: definitelly my second favorite thing in Salvador. After 3 weeks here, I’ve realized that to live here again, I would have to make a serious psychological treatment to control myself in front of so many hot men. When Adriana Calcanhotto wrote about Cariocas (born in Rio de Janeiro) beings the best men, she surely didn’t know the Baianos, especially the Soteropolitanos (born in SSA).

As everywhere, Salvador has a lot of hideous men; those types that after a drunk night, if you woke up next to one of them, you’d rather cut off your arm than waking him up (omg! What a drama-queen I am!). But the hot men from here have this naughty thing going on. Fall for a Soteropolitano is certainty of hitting hard the ground. The other night I was going down a slope while this yummy thing was coming up. The motherfucker, besides being shirtless and having the hottest abs I’ve seen so far, had the most delicious scent I’ve smelled so far.

Last night, at the mall, my dad and I sat at this neat pub called “Gengibre”. Oh my, the waiter that served us wasn’t even as gorgeous as the guy mentioned above, but he had an energy and a helpful-ness environment that attracted me like magnet. But that night, after we had watched “The Producers” (genius!), I went to this store to buy a CD and I saw a combo of heaven. The first was this pretty, kind of worked out, with a timid tan, blond guy. He was wearing a red cap and a t-shirt, showing his hot arms. However, his “friend” was the one I wanted to have among my legs. His skin was very white, like milk, and his hair very dark. The lips were cute, red and pouty, and a skinny body like me. He was hot male Snow White! He had to be gay because he asked the salesman the CD that contained the music played at the latest São Paulo Fashion Week. Well, it’s “ok” to be into fashion, but to want the music played at a fashion event… I don’t put my ass on the line for such types… well, perhaps, depending on “the line”.

[Note to self: “You big-fat skinny virgin Queen!!! Salvador’s men are maybe as hot as São Paulo’s, but you’re only finding them greek-gods because you’re more horny than ever! So, get a dick and a room and fuck!]

The other favorite thing that I’m always happy to do here (anywhere actually) is to shop. First, SSA is a touristic town. So everything you see is worth buying (not for the price, but for the pleasure of shopping that in here is multiplied by 3). When you’re in a place where the things you buy get a special meaning, you don’t hesitate buying. Doing a little accounting, in these summer holidays, I have spent so far (not counting film tickets and food):
- Britney Spears -> Britney: The Videos -> $29,90
- Britney Spears -> In The Zone: The Videos -> $29,90
- Klute -> $14,90
- Jamie Cullum -> Catching Tales -> $40
- Britney Spears -> B In The Mix The Remixes -> $35,90
- Joss Stone -> Mind Body & Soul Sessions -> $26,90
- Cansei De Ser Sexy -> Cansei De Ser Sexy -> $29,90
- Alicia Keys -> MTV Unplugged -> $35,90
- Alicia Keys -> MTV Unplugged (DVD) -> $57
- Alanis Morissette -> The Collection -> $29,90
- Madonna -> Confessions On A Dance Floor -> $29,90 (gift for Vag)
Total: $340,10

… And I know there’s more to buy…

[Note: Sounds like I’m Paris Hilton. Well, I like to shop, but I still have a heart… Paris too, but… you know what I mean.]

The Summer Journals (Parts 3 and 4)

The 29th Of December, 2005 – “The After-Shock”

And today I started to feel the after-shock feeling. When the accident happened, I had to reel all kinds of negative feelings in and cross over any weakness. I overcame fear, frustration, anxiety, anger etc etc, for the sake of being strong and supporting my dad, sister and friend. Now they seem to bite my ass. I feel like crying and screaming, when I still have the duty to offer strength.

Here’s the whole story (in few words of course): my dad will spend too much money to fix the car and experience tells me it’ll make things tougher in the future. And I know I should thank for being alive and all (because the accident was pretty ugly for the car, only G-d knows why we were harm-free), and believe me, I do! But being sincere, I cannot help being kind of scared now, for what’s to come… To give my “Drama Queen” share of the day, when I often feel like this, as first escape I shop! But now, I can’t simply ask my dad money to shopping sprees, when I know he’ll spend a lot to fix the car. My life’s a bitch!! (Lol.)

But life goes on. As the Goddess says: “I’m not afraid of what I’ll face, but I’m afraid to stay”. That’ll be my 2006 mantra.

The 1st Of January, 2006 – “The Queer”

The New Year’s Eve was the best of my life! Even though I didn’t make out with anyone (as I wanted), I was in such environment that I felt 2006 would be (at least) as great as 2005. The beautiful, exciting and suis generis energy I was immersed, gave me joy and made me so hopeful. I feel reassured of myself and my skills in making myself happy.

Here’s the whole tale: my dad and I walked almost all the “Oceânea Avenue”, in Salvador, searching for something to do at night. I really wnated to go to the OFF club party, but I would not go to a gay party with my father. So, when we were walking back I saw this chic bar at the corner of Oceânica and Ramos Lemos street: Hospedaira de La Habana. It seemed an average inn/bar at the fancy Barra neighborhood and the price was good, so we bought the tickets.

When we arived at the party, around 10:30, there were all kinds of people: children, couples, foreign people, but I quickly noticed how many queers there were. And when Banda Di Dhendê (an Axé band) started to play, there were more of them than anything else. Oh my G-d! It was my first gay-friendly party, and I was in heaven! They were cheerful, funny, beautiful. But something hindered me: my dad. There was so many cute boys there and I wanted to make out with them all, but my father was always around and I was too chicken-shit to hide with some boy and hook up. (So in the end it was more my fault than his… lol.)

There was this trio, I named them the Destiny’s Queers. They were three gods, with killer bodies and scoundrel faces, acting in a very straight way, as if they were gamblers looking for a New Year’s Eve night stand – and they probably were. Two of them (who seemed more close to each other) seemed to be hooking the third up with another.

But soon the three of them left my eyesight, for I saw Jorge. He was the cutest guy there. The Destiny’s Queers were way hotter than him, but Jorge seemed more real, more close to my reality. He had a skin color of cinnamon and his face had a pair of soothing dark eyes; his lips had an enchanting aspect and exciting gravity. He probably was in his 20’s despite of the boyish look. We flirted all night long and I wanted him so badly. I wished my first hook up of the year to be as beautiful as him: I wanted it to be Jorge. Another thing that until now makes me shiver when I think about him: his hairy arms. I don’t know if I’m a killer for hairy arms, but I’m definitely one for hairy chest, and someone who has arms like his, surely has a hairy chest… oh dear! Besides, he had a stunning sense of style. His clothes matched perfectly and while everyone had worn those canva shoes, that are so fashionable now, he was wearing mustard moccasins. Well, I don’t like canvas shoes.

Uhg! I hate myself!… Because: we flirted all night under my father’s chin but I left it as it. As said above, I didn’t make a bold move in approaching him. In one moment, I was outside the party and he came along with a (girl) friend: “Hi, what’s your name?”, he said. Ironically (as if I could make more fool of myself than being in the urge of grabbing anyone and being too coward to do so “in my father’s presence”), I had a siriguela (a delicious tropical fruit I hadn’t tasted in years) stuck in my mouth. So I had to swallow the fruit and spit the lump beofre answering: “Lucas. Yours?” “Jorge, we talk later, alright?” To which I replied: “okay,” drooling and panting like a silly adolescent. Holy shit! I’m so pathetic.
See, once upon a time, my friend Jose told me that in a party, he flirted with a guy all night long, and in the end he froze and didn’t make out with him. I call him a dumbass and frozen-chicken. Guess we’re in the same frigde now. Anyways, after last night I don’t care anymore, I’ll free the slut inside me and dare to get whoever I want. (Ahem! As if… lol.) So, come 2006!

The Summer Journals (Part 2)

The 27th Of December, 2005 – “The Favorite Spot”

I was always sure of one thing: SSA is a city of hot men. Of course that like every place, it has its disgraces (big-fat drama queer queen moment), but a walk at the Iguatemi Mall (the biggest one of town) is enough to make me “faint”.

Today, after my dad and I went out to buy the car’s new pieces, I made him take me to Iguatemi, my favorite spot in SSA (for several reasons). It’s not even as beautiful or interesting as any other tourist marks from the town, but as a hopeless consumerist kid like me, it’s paradise (I bought Jamie Cullum’s Catching Tales and Britney’s B In The Mix The Remixes this time).

So, while we talked about the most various topics and checked the already known stores, filled with still bubbling post-Christmas shoppers, I couldn’t help checking more human figures out: les garçons.

Talking about them, I was in Inhambupe (where my dad was born and raised) for the Christmas weekend, and I met my gay cousin, Fred. He’s a selfish troubled jerk, but I didn’t hesitate in hooking up with him. And let’s say I kissed more than his mouth and swallowed more than his saliva (EWWW!!!… I’m the biggest bitch!).

Retuning to Salvador’s boys. They’re mesmerizing! I saw this surfist-type while we sat having an ice-cream at the mall. He had his dark blond hair pushed-back, in a very boyish and sexy way, and a killer smile. The distance between us didn’t let me see what colour his eyes were, but anything would match with that yummy tanned skin and muscular arms. Damn! I still shiver whenever I remember him.

If my girlfriend Alais is still in town, we’re going to this gay club called OFF. But I’m so horny for this city’s men, that I’d take the guts to venture and go by myself.
Still at the mall, by the way, when we were leaving, I met an “old” fellow from VCA. Oh my G-d!! He’s way more handsome than the last time a saw him (more than two years ago)! Feels like this town makes people hotter. Anyways, I saw and recognized him, but it took a while for him, who was talking with a guy as hot as him, to notice me. When it happened, I was going downstairs, while he, upstairs. As obvious, all I could think about was in how many ways I would do him.

-------------------------------------------------

February, the 6th (but about last night)

Last night I had my 1st experience at a gay club. OMG! I so loved it!! Music I like (although they never played Hung Up or Sorry), cute boys all around... so many possibilites!

As soon as Alais, Juliana and I got there, a cute long-haired guy caught my eye (my last cyber-boyfriend - heaven forbid! - got me into men with hair), but I regretfully ended up never hooking up with him. However, I got this cute guy called Marcos (ironically, the long-haired guy was also called Marcos), and made out all night long. I so loved it that I'm definitelly going back at that club, hoping to dance my favorite songs, and of course getting more boys.

Life's so good!

The Summer Journals

All right, Summer holidays are finally over here in Brazil and they turned out to be better than I could expect. Vag broke up with me and lifted a weight from my shoulders, because I ended up not having to do it. So, here goes the 1st part of my Summer Journals.

The 24th Of December, 2005 – “The Summer”

These summer holidays have just started and they have enough to be the best ever. This year, instead of staying in my “paulista” shell, I travelled back to where I come from: Bahia.

Bahia is a state filled with different cultures and colors, the African mostly, and in my opinion is the best picture of my country. But this ain’t about my state’s ethnicity. It’s about two specific places.

First, Vitória da Conquista (aka VCA). I spent in this town most of my adolescence, so a lot of significant things were lived there. The greatest part of them were filled with selfpity and poor state of consciousness. I was a slave to my feelings and little I knew about myself and how to deal with people. I thought that being complicated and mysterious would make me stand out among the crowd. Yes, I was foolish, but I had my fun, my first drinks and the timid iniciation of my party life. I used to be an indoors type of guy and having a good time was watching some movies at any friend’s house; but sometimes I partied out and had loads of fun: since howling to the moon till Goth photoshoots at supposedly haunted houses.

So this time I was decided to have fun. The outdoor fun. But there I realized that my fun lied on my capacity of enjoying each moment, and this I had developed very well for the last two years. So hanging out with my best mate, Alais, was more than wonderful. Especially now that my homo side isn’t anymore a secret. We spent days watching The OC’s 2nd season and Desperate Housewives’ 1st. I’m really sure that our friendship is stronger now that we don’t have any deep secrets between us. We talk about our dreams and frustrations and even sexual desires, which is pretty fun.

On the December’s 17th, Saturday, we and Gabi went to this party that had everything to be crappy. But we were decided to have fun. And I NEEDED (still do, actually) to dance!! When we left Alais’ house we stopped at this cheap bar where we ordered two “Cearás” to each of us. What is a Ceará? Well, it’s a "Tequila wannabe". We weren’t too interested in knowing exactly what that thing was, but we joined the game and drank the Ceará as if we were having Tequila shots: salt + Ceará + lemon. Heavenly! I had three and a half shots and still was on my feet!! I know this is kind of dumb, but I was really happy that my drinking-mojo was back. However, Gabi wasn’t all good and this (ugly!) guy started hitting on her. So Alais and I were up to save her from him, whom was trying to convince us to go to this whoever’s birthday party. Then we used the guy to give us a ride to our party and sent him away. Poor loser, but we were wild that night.

There we bought two “Capetas” (Vodka with a LOT of stuffs I still have no idea of). And this time Alais was the sick one. As soon as we entered the club she made out with this dude we met there, but then hurried to the girl’s room to throw up. Gabi went after her and I hung outside the door. I was pissed, because I knew Gabi was making out with Alais into the restroom. Okay! They’re two girls, but yes, they had homo tendencies. Alais didn’t want to kiss Gabi (as she told me later), but she was too drunk to fight Gabi out, so…

Afterwards we were dancing and I was having the best time of my life. Alais was still sick and lying on a lounge there at the club, as Gabi and I Thechno-ed and Funked all over the dancefloor. Alais’ dude appeared again and took care of her while we danced. But a Martini and a bottle of Water later, the four of us were dancing wildly and having the greatest time. Interesting fact: at one moment we were all lied on the lounge and Alais’ bloke (whom by the way was HOT!) started to caress my hair fondly. As far as I knew he was totally straight. Besides, I was too wasted to care anyway, and I could had imagined it all due to the alcohol: so it passed. We were the last people to leave the club; actually we were thrown out and then, we walked home, completely drunk, singing Isaac and Can’t Get You Out Of Me Head at the top of our lungs on the empty streets, but extremely happy.

Later that week, I visited some old friends of mine there in VCA and they filled me in with news from the last couple years in which I was absent. Livia’s married and pregnant, Luanna (my teen crush) is dating a younger guy, Mylena’s in Salvador, just as Larissa. Paula is in Law school, also in Salvador. Tamara lives in Belo Horizonte (Minas Gerais), studying Architecture and loving it. She told me Jorge Bruno had a motorcycle accident last year and was 15 days in comatose. However she even told me that everyone’s the same and nothing has changed since we all parted. I don’t know if it’s ego-feeding (actually I do), but I felt a glow inside me due to the fact that everyone had been telling me how different I am, and most of them are still the same.

December’s 23rd, Friday: I woke up in a hang over. I had four or five kiwi Caipiroskas (they’re Caipirinhas but instead of Cachaça it has Vodka, and instead of lemon it has kiwi) the night before, at my dad’s birthday. We (me, my dad, my sister and Alais) were travelling to Salvador (the second place I’m to talk about; aka SSA) that morning, but I had this thing inside of me, this weird sensation. Erroneously, we tend to ignore these feelings, so I blamed the hang over and held my silence.

The road to SSA is completely shitty. There were more holes than actual asphalt, but I was happy despite of that persistent feeling. It was like I knew something was to happen.

So, when we were an hour from SSA and the road was decent, my dad was driving in a 110 km/h (which is normal in highways) and Alais and I were singing Mother And Father out loud at the backseat. It was right after the rap that I had seen a red car doing an illegal return into the road. My dad had seen him as well and light-signed, but the motherfucker carried on in a lesser speed than ours (which is forbidden in highways), so my dad went to the right in the hope of crossing him away, but the idiot did the same and we crashed at his back. We had nothing, we were all okay, but the car died. Well, after that we hung on the road for three hours. Alais and my sister were taken to SSA by my uncle (whom we called right after the wreck) and I stuck with my father.

A pessimist glow got me meanwhile, but I blew it away from me and thanked G-d for being alive and healthy. But to be honest, I still feel a bit frustrated for not having heard my intuition. That, I will make sure that will not happen again. And the car is doomed (drama queening!), but I won’t let it ruin Christmas (again!).

Fuck Off Is Not The Only Thing You Have To Show

Here I am in a cyber-place in Salvador (Bahia) to check out my emails and remind myself how to be the good nerd I always am. I'm writing all my holidays drama-queen moments, so during February, I can tell 'em here.

To be honest I'm dying to get back home, but I still have some things to do here. The title of the post is just the song that is in my head, by Cansei de Ser Sexy, a Brazillian band (genius!).

(Song: Alala - Cansei de Ser Sexy => my favorite song by them)

The 10 Madonna Commandments

1. Deeper and deeper and deeper... the deeper I go...

2. No matter where you are, no matter where you come from. You can always change, become a better version of yourself.

3. Rejection is the greatest afrodisiac.

4. FUCK OFF MOTHERFUCKERS!!

5. There's only so much you can learn in one place. The more that you wait, the more time that you waste.

6. I'm so stupid...

7. If you want to reach the top, reach the top.

8. I'm gonna destroy my ego

9. There's no greater power than the power of good-bye.

10. Don't you ever ever ever tell me... TO STOP!

(Song: Forbidden Love (2005) - Madonna)