Fine And Mellow

Today I was wakened by Billie Holiday's sharp vocals in a rendition of Fine And Mellow. Seriously, after listening to that how to even consider Christina Aguilera a singer? All that bitch knows is to scream and oversing all over the place!

By the way, that was one of the subjects my date, Reinaldo, and I had last night. It was a friendly conversation-over-cappuccino date; we mainly talked [everything] about art and since he's a more listening type of guy I did almost the whole talk. Reinaldo is intelligent and teaches Portuguese in public schools; he's not ugly but indeed not my type of handsome. But since the first time I laid eyes on him I knew we'd only be friends even if we ended up having sex [which didn't happen I'd say only because his sister was home].

Reinaldo lacked on his features something mindblowingly charming; something that would make me lose my concentration and want to do him wherever he felt like it! Something just like Tarsis.

When Tarsis entered the café where we were and took notice of me, he came with this big bright smile that made my insides go all the way down a hypercoaster while my mind tried to keep grounded and safe. When approached he gave me a 5-minutes-long hug that demanded from me a rather concentration on my knees and above all made me fuzzy inside. Damn, that dude is a master in making one uncomfortable in a comfortable way! As he warmingly talked and asked how I had been he kept his arms around my waist in a less than innocent way, but still not sexual, that made me completely dumb about what to do with my hands, so I hurried to thrust them into my pockets. He introduced me to his friends and his girlfriend. She was gorgeous, but of course I wanted to poke her eyes out in the best Beatrix Kiddo style.

Tarsis was an Alais fling from early this year and the moment she introduced us it was impossible not to want him. One instantly developes a crush with his charm and when one [like moi] listens to his liberal ideals the thing gets serious. He once said that till that moment he had never had homossexual desires, but he surely wouldn't back it off in case it happened. And yeah, I had to control myself not to spill a "you have my number" type of cheesy line.

So last night when he came while my date was at the toilet, my concentration, like I wanted, was finally lost, but of course for the wrong person. He and his entourage sat by a table where I could stare at him and hell I did it! I doubt Reinaldo had noticed it but at that moment I testified that friendship was all we would have. Not that Tarsis was the one I trully wanted to be with, but definitely Reinaldo wasn't.

After all, like Lady Day would say: "I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else"...

[Song: Love Me Or Leave Me - Billie Holiday]

Great Expectations

In 1998, Alfonso Cuarón delivered us a lovely, aesthetic and breathtaking loose adaptation from Charles Dickens' novel Great Expectations. [For the record, despite of its youth this film is already a classic for me; Gwyneth Paltrow is so subtle and sexy one can't help loving her.]

In 2006, after few days of [really] cheap philo/poetic flirt I got a date. Yeah, wow... a date!! This guy from internet wanted to meet me and I had nothing to do so here we go; he's not [my-type-of] hot but who knows if he's not a nice guy for a long term re... Meh, who am I trying to fool?

We all know I'm on the thing for the possibility of sex. The guy honestly seems okay: he's major in Literature and he definitelly likes what he's doing because his lines sounds like rip offs from mellow Álvares de Azevedo poems; but since I became a full time cynic I don't buy his crap. I confess that I have a bit of romanticism inside of me but it doesn't fall for Byron-esque conversation, especially when the guy fakes shock when I do a more explicit question.

Did you figure out the trick here? I am a guy who longers for romance, but somehow doesn't believe in romance anymore. Confessing that I am a bit out of my literary orbit and more into the filmography and soundtracks of my life, I think I'd be less bitchy if he came talking about the last movie he watched or his knowledge on pop culture. But still I'd be very suspicious of any gallantry towards me.

So today, when I caught myself listening to Besame Mucho repeatedly I realized I could be becoming Cuarón's Miss Havisham/Mrs Nora Dinsmoor! [Except for the being wealthy part.] But uhg, I'll soon become wrinkled and dried inside and will be leading young pupils to heartache; or spend my hours on internet downloading cover versions from Besame Mucho. Yeah, the latter is already happening...

[Song: Besame Mucho - Diana Krall]

Snob

I can't tell exactly when it started, but I can declare myself today an outsider. But not the type everyone dishes out of the party, the one that simply doesn't attend to the party because he's sure there'll be nothing there to add to his self. But with all the acknowledgement of different personalities and "acceptance" of multi-cultural human beings, isn't this kind of behavior plain stupid? Being a self-proclaimed outsider isn't just a proof of snobbery? What if high standards is nowadyas synonym of prejudice?

All these questions exploded in my head during this evening's class. I hate going there not only because the superficiality of the teaching, but also from the people's mentality. Most of my classmates are silly teenagers who still have no idea of what they want for their lives or post teenagers, like me, who also don't know what they want for their lives, like... me!

Suddenly I realized I still don't know what I want! Oh well, not so dramatic like that. The thing is that I am not so sure if the steps I'm taking are the right ones to take me to where I want to be. All I know right now is that I want to move to Salvador and... that's all. That's all I know so far.

So now, realizing that I don't know quite yet what I want, doesn't that make me as lost and stupid like my classmates?

The only idea that crosses my head at the moment is: "don't judge motherfucker!" I admit I am a snob in several fields of life. I'm a political snob, a music snob, a film snob, a book snob; all of that of course makes my snobbish mind working over time by labeling and judging people. If the party isn't formed by people who don't at least have an idea who Jane Fonda is or who Stanley Kubrick was, I simply stay home with my computer, books and films. At least they don't make my stomach squirm.

Then, instead of separating them in the best nazi-style that my ego loves, I should start thinking them as people who simply have different ideals and tastes from mine. Because certainly my geeky, political aware and pop-culture obsessed conversation must be hellish boring for them. Not that I care about that, but I certainly shouldn't care about pointing them my finger...

[Song: My Love - Justin Timberlake featuring T.I.]

Madonna = Controversy (???)

Okay, you all know I'm a fan of the woman, but I'm writing this not in Madonna's defense, but in human goodness.

I'm pissed about this whole controversy about Madonna and Guy Ritchie adopting little Malawian David Banda. First it was the 18 months evaluation that she supposedly used her celebrity power to skip [which was already proved as major hoax]; the new thing is Yohane Banda's [little Davie's father] claim that he didn't know that the Ritchies were intending to adopt his son for life. Madonna already stated that little David will be always in touch with his original culture and family and he will be free to choose where he wants to live. But that's not my point with this post.

I would really like to know why is all this fuss being made over Madonna's desire to adopt a child. Why's it so hard to believe her good intentions in her action and what makes her unworthy of doing so? What I mean is, since when has everyone become so cynical?

All the media and the critics chose to forget that the main intention on Madonna's trip to Malawi was to deliver a 3 million dollars [or so] fund to built new orphanages and children care centers in a country devastated by centuries of European/American colonialism and imperialism. They also decided to blindfold themselves [therefore the society] to Madonna's funds to anti-STD/AIDS programs and the fact that throughout her career she always talked openly about gay and women rights, safe sex etc; that she's a woman with formed political view concerned about awakening her audience to world's issues and everyone's responsability to everything.

Why can't not only Madonna but other celebrities be involved in political and human rights groups and issues without being involved in cynicism and cold criticisms. What are all these press agencies that decided to bash on the Ritchies' deed to change the situation in Africa and AT LEAST raising in the public the conscience of change? Why aren't these [so-called] human rights groups instead of dissing the Ritchies' adoption using that fact to settle an example of good actions towards Africa?

These people sit comfortable in their offices analyzing number and statics but rarely know how it is to live in a Third World country. Overweighted America bashes on celebrity African adoptions, but they do know how those people are dying from AIDS, and [worst!] hunger due to rich countries policies towards them. They do know that the worst orphanage in the United States or Europe is a hundred times better than any other in Malawi.

Madonna, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Mia Farrow and others celebrities are doing what they can to make a difference, to change the pitiable picture of Africa and other poor countries. So instead of vilifying them, why aren't we all asking ourselves what are WE doing to help?

"When you point the finger, there are three fingers pointed back at you."

[Song: Intervention - Madonna]

HOT!!!

Okay, I'm addicted to this!! Those Beyoncé, Christina Aguilera, Rihanna bitches should ask Nelly Furtado how to do a live performance!!
This woman is the current incarnation of sensuality! She's a normal woman! Not skinny-to-the-bone niether hot-built; just a normal woman with her curves and natural sexiness. And uhg, the way she dresses now is so WOW!!
And dude, MANEATER SAMBA MIX!!! That's like... genius!!
Uhg... reggeaton will be my summer music this year! Me hearts it! Lol...

Waiting For Vodka

My day was about extremes.

First I was woken up by my dog who, sent by my father, came to gently lick my face. I was already awake so I rubbed his ears and and tamed my traitor. However, I was in moody mode; I skipped coffee [!!!] and went straight to my dad's room to watch Sex And The City's second season. Of course I had orgasmic moments following my favorite Manhattanites ever.

But right after it I decided to finally watch an oh-so-beloved movie I've always neglected. Requiem For A Dream was an experience that I wish I'll never repeat. Not that I hated the film, but I definitelly didn't love it either. I confess that I started to watch it with a slightly biased vision since I tend to dislike things commonly praised as masterpieces by most of people; the speedy edition, in my opinion, however interestingly experimental [sometimes it felt like a dark Jonas Åkerlund video], never let me really feel the power of the story. Being utterly honest I only felt it after the disturbingly grotesque final sequence when the credits came up, I took a breath, got up to the bathroom and in the way I felt my knees weaken and right there I had a mini-breakdown that lasted for half an hour. Ellen Burstyn is gorgeous and most of the times very touching in spite of the icy edition; Connelly and Leto are good as well but we never root or sympathize for their characters like we do for Burstyn's.

Nevertheless, I now believe the film never tried to arouse from us any other feeling than pity. Like every Realistic piece of art it only sheds the light on the wound, exposing its horrid anatomy and leaving it there for the world to see. Of course it has its value, but sincerely I'm not fan of these pessimistic points of view on humankind, that shocks you for a couple of hours or so but never sticks to your mind [and feelings] for more than the same time later. The film stands in a very comfortable position of show-and-run: [okay, I'm gonna be judgy now] very pleasant for bourgeois kids wanting to feel politically involved or intellectualized. They need things like "Requiem" to validate their shallow lives. These people raise the hype of such careless film and dislike real political pieces like The Constant Gardener. "Requiem", of course, makes you think [unless you're a cold and insensitive bitch] but it never gives you a direction or any possible remedy for the exposed tumor. You watch, feel the pity and totally forgets about it in a couple days. Ohhh... I LOVED the score though.

After such tough aesthetic images I needed some endorphin; couple of cappuccinos and chocolate cake later I got back home and watched the last Sex And The City's DVD. Oh my G-d!! I laughed my ass of with the infamous Miranda ejaculation scene on the "Was It Good For You" episode and got happy again.

BUT, [because my life without a drama ain't worthy] on the MSN I met my little ex-beau and as I engaded in a masochist chat with him I learned from him he was back together with his ex [the one he left me for] in a commitment free relationship. So, how do you think I felt? LOL!

So... all I wanted was a little dose [aka plenty] of vodka to get drunk and sleepy and be happy for the day. Well, dad didn't find any grocery open... GENIUS!!

[Song: Fidelity - Regina Spektor]

3 Things To Do In This Lifetime

1 - Become rich and famous.
2 - Move to Manhattan.
3 - Become Carrie Bradshaw.

It is not only about all the sex she gets, but uhg... can you say HOT? I mean, this woman is sexy, independent, absolutely intelligent, with a delicious sense of humor, who is not afraid of being out there on the game single and even though sometimes freaks out about that, she's comfortable with what she is; she's a true quirkyalone!

Besides, come on! Every week the hottest club in Manhattan, or a date with the "new Yankee" at THE DOLCE AND GABANA PARTY!! Please, that's all a poor little innocent humble ho can wish for life!!

Okay, I admit: I've been watching too much Sex And The City. But well, don't blame me, it's genius!

[Song: Erotica/You Thrill Me - Madonna]

"I Miss Everyone..."

Today's Nathalia's birthday and it was only when I called her at late night that I recollected how much I miss her.

She was for several months the one companion I knew I could talk to without getting judgement back, neither shallow agreements. Uhg, how I miss having intellectual intercourse with that woman. She knows absolutely everything about me and whenever something happens in my life she's still the one I want to run to and tell.

I love this human being with all my powers and I'll measure no efforts to be there for her wherever it may be.

I'm not much a fan of that pic, but she says it's her favorite from us, so it's there. Happy birthday love and keep living long and greatly like you do, 'cause I intend to have you in my life forever.

[Song: A Million Parachutes - Sixpence None The Richer]

Ella Ella Ella!!!

That's my ideal of heaven [okay, one of them]: that woman singing for me every night.

Paradise Shots

This one is especially for you ho!


My two little devils! They're the cutest cousins one could ever have! He's Rafael, she's Beatriz; both Licia's kids.

Licia, one of my favorite persons in the world. [My nose is huge! u.u]


That is my cousin Roberta. She saved me with all those shrimps and seafood!


Pancada Grande.


Pancada Grande as well.


Morro de São Paulo's entrance. [The only decent photo I have.]

[Song: Forbidden Love - Madonna]

I Heart The Beach

There are only two things about my trip to Valença/Morro de São Paulo that I regret: not being tanned as much as I wanted and not had taken as many photos I wish I had in Morro. The rest: marvelous!

When dad, Rita [dad's girlfriend] and I arrived in Valença, Thursday afternoon, we were rather tired so we decided to remain indoors for the night. I'd stay at my cousin Roberta's and the couple would be at a fancy hotel nearby. Roberta then made us fried shrimp on olive oil with garlic and I must say that it's one of my favorite things in the world. I spent this whole weekend eating seafood and of course having major orgasms at each bite.

The following day after breakfast we went to this waterfall called Pancada Grande, an hour or so from Valença. I believe that I've never been to such relaxing place so far! The ground was VERY slicky but the danger was worth to be under the water and get the greatest massage your back can ever get.

On the Saturday we went to the most waited [at least for me]: Morro de São Paulo. Uhg, can you say heaven? I've told before about the fishermen village mood that the whole island has, but this time it gave me huge urges to live there, or at least to stay for more than a day. One of the ways to get to Morro [which was the one we did] is by raft that you take in Valença's port. When we got there my first thought was that what Valença has of ugliness Morro compensates with beauty. Not only the place itself, but the people! The sea is transparent and the men are hot, especially the tourists of course. Most of Morro's inhabitants were tourists, especially gringos, that couldn't leave the place due to its beauty and pleasant environment. Of course that the prices there are a bit salty but it's amazing how it has everything! I found there, more cafés than there is in my current town [which for me is a huge deal].

As we left Morro I couldn't help wanting more. Definitely that is one of my favorite places in Earth, where surely I am to go back many more times.

*Pics later, when Blogger decides to collaborate*

[Song: History - Madonna]

Tales From Yesterday [Part 2]

So... yesterday [before the whole Zenaide drama] I was at home minding my own business when a guy calls at the door asking if that was Danilo's house. Uhh... I obviously replied no but noticed he was was obviously gay.

Later, when I went out for Coke I met him a street above mine looking kind of lost. So, I innocently decided to walk by that street. Approaching him I acted surprise and asked "dude, are you lost?" and he "yeah, kinda." I uselessly tried to explain the street scheme of that neighborhood, but he didn't know which street or house was Danilo's.

I then offered my phone since his cellular was dead so he had to come over to my house. In the way we had the usual small talk: "you're so nice... I like music and crap... bla bla bla." Me being very polite and my usually quiet, replying very instantly and with few words [I am like this when I first meet a person ok ho!], until we got home and he didn't want to come in because of Hercules, my Akita. So I went in and called Danilo for Victor [the guy's name which I only intentionally remembered to ask after I 1st tried to reach Danilo... it's a game folks, and I'm here to play it] but Danilo turned out to be unreachable. As I went out to give Victor the news he asked for my msn and of course I gave.

[Today...]

An hour ago or so I was chating with him and he asked "what is in cognito in your life?" Of course I knew what was that about, but since I have a very very wicked mind I decided to play so my first replies were stupidly random things like "uhh... I love Paris Hilton" or "my ego is huge"... all things very known of myself. *giggles* Later I told him he could ask me anything he wanted because I wouldn't mind and things were finally revealed.

He's not my type, but it's an acquaintance.

[Song: Oh My G-d - P!nk featuring Peaches]

[PS: I'm in Valença, at my cousin's LOVELY home - which I'll take plenty of photos. Tomorrow we're going to Morro de São Paulo yaaay! Don't laugh ho!]

Tales From Yesterday [Part 1]

I have a couple things to say about yesterday that I could not post before.

Zenaide suffered a car accident. She was going back home and the van turned on the freeway. She was wounded badly, but she's fine with no aparent grave damages.

When we learned about the accident I was really scared, because call me paranoid or not I had dreamed about her dying in a car wreck a week before. Until we were able to see her in the hospital I was in constant state of fear. Zenaide is one of the most important persons in my life. She's been with us since I was a pre-adolescent; she makes me laugh histerically with her anecdotes, knows all about me and we're true confidents, to lose her in this period of my life would be awfully painful. But thank G-d she's alright and it'll be not this time she'll get rid of us!

Solitude

Something tells me I already did a post with this name, but whatever.

Today I watched Lost In Translation for the second time. I've been neglecting this second time for ages but I finally got my lazy ass up to see it and refresh my memory of Sofia's amazing tale.

First of all, these days in Bahia have made me develop my skills in pleasing myself for myself, not on that dirty way ho, the clean one. Back during my last month in Marilia I tasted my first steps to solitude; I had the house all for myself except for eventual [and sometimes unwanted] visits from my friends. When I got here I kind of knew I'd go through a similar period, since I don't know anyone here anymore, and even though dad and Zenaide [our lovely funny adorable long time friend maid] sometimes provide me the good convos, I sometimes miss the good similar-age/mind tête-à-tête.

So tonight when I saw "Lost In Translation" I could not help feeling like both Charlotte and Bob. These guys were always alone even when surrounded by people and dude, I feel like that all the time! Most of the time it's welcomed and I appreciate these moments of solitude. Others, like lately, it's somewhat grieving. But even if "it's a fleeting moment, the minute it happens it makes lonely life worthy."

I'm longering for such moments lately; of course this all sounds very whining and it's been boring me as well! My lonesome situation was predicted and it didn't keep me from making the choice I made, which I don't regret at all. But dude, "time goes by so slowly for those who wait"!!!

[Song: Oh My G-d - P!nk featuring Peaches]

My Favorite Movie Of The Year

G-d knows how I'm good about myself, and that I am not a romantic fool who loses himself for the urge of a feeling similar to love.
But damn, this movie is my fairy tale pleasure. Of course there's nothing as faily tale-esque on Jane Austen's novel neither on Wright's beautiful motion picture; but the charisma of the former's characters and the latter's actors makes it such a thrilling and lovely film that one cannot help to fall for it.
I may not live for the day that a Mr. Darcy will come to tell me that "you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on", but when this day comes...
*dies*

[Song: Your Hands Are Cold - Dario Marianelli]

Definitely

Next week!!
October 12th is Children's Day in Brazil and also Our Lady Of Aparecida, the patron saint of this country. I was supposed to go to Salvador, but all leads that Salvador will only happen in a next Holiday because I feel like and have to go to Morro de São Paulo!
Morro is a charming island next to Valença, a town close to here, that used to be a fishermen village before it becomes a massive tourist mark. I went there once but stayed only a day and now I want more of this:

Ho, Only You Will Get The Text

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
*dies*
[Song: Jump - Madonna]
[PS: I can't help watching it over and over again! I luuuuuuuuuuv it!!]

I'm Alive

[...And I won't just press publish ho!]

...And nah, this ain't the begining of a J.Lo inspired post. It's just that I wanted to tell about my last daying. Well, they've been just as dull as always; nothing really exciting is going on in my life except for a literature congress that I'm attending that is making me miss college, but I'm enjoying.

Besides that I've decided to work on my Rosh Hashanah list and improove my spiritual evolution, plus health. I'm marking appointments at doctors, doing some exams and then joining a gym, I need to work out. New year, new life!

Besides that I'm all obsessed about Erotica/You Thrill Me again and still horny and still needy.

That's all folks...

[Song: as if you don't know... sing along ho!!]

[PS: DAYING!! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...OOOL]

Alcohol Decadence

When people say they drink to forget, they're lying. People drink to remember, because EVERYTIME they drink they remember everything that's crappy on their lives. This time's no exception. I went out with dad and his girlfriend and I had couple [x2] drinks and now I think what's crappy on my life...

Shortening the tale: I WANT A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright alright here's the truth: I miss being cared, missed, loved. I know my friends love me and all that, but you all know what I mean. I'm talking about friggin' romance for G-d sakes and it's been ages since my last crush!!!

I'm an Independent Woman and all that but I want to share moments!! I want to go out and have coffee with someONE and share cute romantic moments! I want a boyfriend!!

I hate being this mellow but yeah, that's how I am now, fuck it!

[Song: Lovin' You - Kylie "G-d" Minogue]

Fonda And Nin

"What I did not anticipate was how the story of my journey would also resonate with men."

- Jane Fonda -

After the excitement of my first Anaïs Nin reading, Delta Of Venus, I was looking forward to read more of her stuff. So during the long dull hours in Guarulhos airport, walking around while I waited for my flight to Salvador I made a little book shopping spree and among my items I got Nin's A Spy In The House Of Love.

Little time after I started it, I did something I've not done in ages: I Googled intel about the book. I found out that it had a lot of psychoanalysis content and that the heroine, Sabina, had many of Nin's behaviors and attitudes. Okay, I don't know if I've mentioned it here but I'm very into biographies and non-fictional books lately; so, to read a novel that has many auto-biographic characteristics... I was in heaven!

"A Spy" is a dense, sometimes tense, deep book about a woman who lies. Sabina has multiple lives that last as long as a love affair of hers last. What is initially an erotic and exciting atmosphere becomes a breathtaking and overwhelming report of a disembodied woman.

The word "disembodied" makes me think of Jane Fonda. In her auto-biography, My Life So Far, she said about how long she lived without trully knowing and taking who she was for herself and lived disconnected from her own body, her own voice. Sabina jumped from a lover to another in order to validate her various souls, her various masks. And the encounter with a young lost man like her made her realize how far she was from herself.

In another moment Sabina says that when one is hurt, one should run away for a while from the places and people that reminded the hurt. At that instant I remembered a passage in Fonda's book when she said one day during the making of They Shoot Horses, Don't They? she found herself driving miles away past the set's entrance.

The point in all this I'm saying is how fiction/reality affects reality/fiction. In a short amount of time I read two books that affected my life in ways I've never experienced before. First Fonda's saying how important it is for us to find our own voices and connect to our boddies; then Nin's reassuring that thought.

Looking at myself I feel rejoiced to certify I'm on my way. When I see so much young people like me lost from themselves till the point of not knowing what they want or where to lead, I feel both like crap and like a hero, for having overcome that obstacle. A self-proof is the previous post with the Dully Lighten Room poem that is exactly about a person who chose to be separated from herself.

So, to everyone I advice to read first Fonda's "My Life So Far", then Nin's "A Spy In The House Of Love"; or even Nin's before Fonda's, doesn't matter. The importance lies in finding ourselves inside ourselves, without outer validation, whether it's in lovers, substances or even religion: "happiness lies in the palm of your hand".

[Song: Secret - Madonna (cliché I know, but fuck it!)]

Recollections

Okay, first of all read this poem:
“Dully Lighten Room”
When the mirror is broken
It's a sign that you don't look so good
Especially if the mirror shows
What is hidden inside
At the top our your tribulations
You should've put your forgotten self-esteem
Trying to live like Amelie
You forgot how it is to breathe

You, silly girl,
Are trying to build the impossible
By turning the world upside down
You, silly girl,
Have been walking on the ceiling as if
It were the greatest deal
But here I tell you so
You're so against the flow
You'll drown

The room is dully lighten
So the view's not exactly clear
Especially in such biased room
You call comfort zone
At the top of your pretentiousness
You spoke loud about yourself
When actually you were
Still in the hard dark shell

You, silly girl,
Have been walking on the ceiling
Have been holding on the grieving
You have neglected yourself
Thinking you were doing the best
I'm just like you so why
Don't we hook up tonight
I wrote it couple months ago inspired by that photo above.
Tonight, as I talked with this guy about nostalgia I came to read this poem again and it remitted me to my adolescence. Nowadays I don't speak loud to conceal my self misregard, but I find it funny to look at my past and see how I used to neglect myself more easily.
It's like this: I used to complain for never having what I wanted. But the problem was that I never knew what I wanted. When we're immersed in a situation we tend to have biased visions about where we stand, like a "dully lighten room". When we know ourselves well we know when we're playing dramatic, therefore we can stop and try to look at the big picture.

We often say that it's hard to do that when we're in the game, but I believe that it's because people are lazy and always choose to remain into the closet [stick to ego] than to "sacrifice your comfort, make your way in a foreign land". Nowadays I thank the Light for helping me to see that and then be more self-conscious, in a way of knowing myself.

So, the silly girl in the dully lighten room is just a reflection from a past of mine that, now embraced, just adds to my experience and maturity. It's oh so good to feel you have some control over your life.

[Song: Isaac - Madonna]

Lost

What if one day I became a castaway, a survivor from some kind of wreck. Or worst, what if one day everybody I knew or cared about died or got lost somehow [that'd be a way of being a castaway].

Okay, this whole Lost conversation is indeed because I've been watching Lost's first season. But with Rosh Hashanah aproaching I've been thinking about the things I want to do for the upcomming year and how everything can be changed with one turning point like that. Of course I'm not supposed to think that way, it's not up to me to worry about misfortunes of life, my job is to live and let it be. So, before the week is done I decided to make a list of the things I want to do next year. Here it is [the items are not in order of importance]:

1 - To get into a public college. I left Marilia to this; I paused my studies there to this; I'm revisiting High School to this.

2 - To live in Salvador. Ever since I went there last July I fell in love with the city's energy. That's the place I want to grow culturally and artistically while I'm in Brasil!

3 - To ignite my experience on the dramatic arts. That's been a dream since forever, I wanna be an actor. A professional one! This year I wanna boost my dream, make it real, tangible.

4 - To be on the loose. That means to do more stuffs by myself, let go of my inhibitions, dare to release my skin, destroy my ego [for good], learn how to deal with people by my own [without other's assistance - "I can make it alone"].

5 - To get a boyfriend. "'Cause I'm so tired of waiting in restaurants. Reading the critics and comics alone..." [Hate to admit it but yeah.]

6 - To be more responsible. Sounds contraditory with #4 but I believe that they can balance each other. I want to control myself about expenses, about the things I say and do that affect other people, about my future.

That's all I can think of so far. Actually I think it's good enough since it's not good to set ourselves up with a lot of things and get lost later. My job now is to meditate and to view myself accomplishing these things.

LAMED VAV VAV

[Song: The Power Of Good-Bye - Madonna]

Dramas Of The Day

1 - My mom with her resentful e-mails and her limited way of viewing her own problems;
2 - The DSL modem arrived, we installed but it doesn't work;
3 - My hair is staining my clothes [but I still love it].




[Song: Gone - Madonna]

Uhg...

Gotta love this little one dude! NO way out! He's simply genius.
Biggest regret of the moment: not making hell with my dad to let me go to his concerts in Brasil last week.

PS: Okay, I know all I do now is YouTube posts, but don't blame me if my life is boring lately and all I have to post are these!! u.u

When The Dog Bites... When I'm Feeling Sad

Yeah I do remember my favorite things and one of them is this.

I used to loathe this song, but ever since the Confessions Tour kicked off it sneaked into me and now to see the live performance of it is to feel filled bliss and cheers.

Her hair, her smiles, the way she moves her hips and waves her arms and the cute [and easy] routine make me jealous of everyone who could see all of this live.

But since it's supposed to bring me up I just play it and dance. Join me ho!!

Bundoncé and the Gostosas Girls

Okay, there's this Brazillian TV show called Casseta & Planeta and I hate it. They're not funny, way too goofy for my taste and have the worst timing, besides most of the times they sound like a SNL bad imitation.

However, they get it right sometimes. Here's a parody they did from Beyoncé's Check On It. Simply genius!!!

I Wanna F F-U F-U-C-K!!

The latest books I've read [excpet Frankenstein] curiously are somehow sexual themed. The last one, A Casa dos Budas Ditosos, by João Ubaldo Ribeiro, is about a 70-year-old libertine. It's a genius piece of comedy that follows the stream of consciousness of a fascinating woman, a true feminist that had as life-goal to satisfy her lust.

My next book is [maybe] A Spy In The House Of Love, by Anaïs Nin, which makes me wonder: am I really that honry? Well, the imediate answer is yes, and that's probably why all my last readings [and even movies] have strong sexual connotation. I don't make much inner-fuss about it, especially after reading "A Casa". Its protagonist is so freed about sex that not even my craving for it irks or worries me. It's normal and I admit I'm needing a good fuck to liberate energy and hormones.

But all this gossip about sex is kind of nonsense and boring. I have bored myself with my constant horniness and boy-checking. What's concerned to boys I'm still zero, but at least I've been bumping on some interesting and amusing books and films. The other day I saw Barbarella, but about that another time...

[Song: Let It Will Be - Madonna]

Favorite Teen Icon

Every time this movie is aired I can't help watching it. All the crazy and tacky 90's fashion statements are in it, along with one of the coolest soundtracks and funniest vocabularies. Also there some of the cutest actors: Alicia Silverstone, Paul "Yummy" Rudd and Breckin Meyer, besides a funnier and less bitchy Brittany Murphy. Yeah, I heart Clueless!

What makes this movie one of my favorites is exactly its cluelessness. It's rare nowadays to find teen movies without the dumb pretention of making it serious. Director Amy Heckerling gathered the estereotypes that teenagers themselves tend to build [and then later hate everyone else that follows them] and made a movie that doesn't preach about that, but it does show adolescence triviality and often lack of consideration with life, without however placing the blame. That's why, probably, this is a public favorite.

It's not sexual but not asexual either, it's funny but not idiotic and it's sweet. Cher became an icon with her Austen's Emma-esque personality and it's hard not to love her silly [but amusing] comments and points of view about life; her friends are wacko and lovely, she's the fag-hag that all fag wishes for and that scene where she realizes her love for Josh is just inspiring! It makes us all want a Paul Rudd for us as well.

And I want a life like Cher's!! After all, "sex, clothes and popularity. What's wrong about it?"

[Song: Erotica/You Thrill Me - Madonna]

Focus

[Tracy Lord and Lone Ranger were walking around the town.]

Lone Ranger: Uhg... I'm tired of being alone. I need to find people to connect here... or at least someone to get laid with.

Tracy Lord: No dude! You gotta concentrate on your studies! You're here to study, this town is just a passage way to your real goal. There you socialize!

Lone Ranger: Yeah... you're right. But I do wanna get laid!

[Song: Promises - Kylie Minogue]

Lucas' Current Top 12 songs

I rarely listen to these songs when I sit in front of my PC, but they're all I do on my mp3 player. I have everything here from traditional Jazz to bubble-gum pop... and of course, there's a lot of Madge.

12. In A Sentimental Mood - Duke Ellington and John Coltrane

I've first heard this song when I downloaded Prime's Original Soundtrack and I've been addicted to it ever since. It's a beautiful Jazz rendition with one of the most orgasmic saxophone solos I've ever heard. Besides, it makes the flu I have now sounds a bit fancier, except that I DON'T have a Brian Greenberg to take care of me. Life's a bitch!

11. Try - Nelly Furtado

"All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful
That's life"

I'm a fan of this girl ever since I'm Like A Bird and it's incredible how such a great and underrated artist she is! Her lyrics are always intelligent, fun and touching and her music is exotic and filled with joy. Lately Try has been sneaking into my mind, I'm always catching myself huming it while I do stuffs.

The video is a beautiful homage to Anthony Minghella's 2003 motion picture Cold Mountain: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aBfjWHKu3A

10. Nothing Really Matters - Madonna

"Nothing takes the past away like the future
Nothing makes the darkness go like the light"

How not love that? In the late 90's Madonna delivered us a collection of thrilling upbeat and wild dance tracks married to beautiful deep lyrics. Sounds contradictory, well yeah, who else but Madonna could make us think while we work our asses off on the dancefloor?

09. Where The Wild Roses Grow - Kylie Minogue and Nick Cave

This one follows the gloominess trend that has caught me lately. But aside my inner dramas, this track is a marvel. The hushy whispery vocals of Minogue in it are orgasmic and Caven is scary and he's supposed to be; the string sections are dramatic and beautiful. Besides, who would say that the get-together of a scary-goth artist and a glitzy pop diva would work so well?

The video for it is also a masterpiece: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdB-0SOd6sQ

08. Your Honesty - Madonna

Well, simply because it makes me think of my friends back in Marilia. But, now that I'm hooked by it I started to notice what an amazing track it is. The lyrics are sweet and sexy in a way only Madonna can do. When you think of Like A Prayer, for instance, where she does Baroque-esque blend of religiosity and sexuality, you have no doubt of this woman's brilliance; and in Your Honesty you find that "special quality" with her high vocals combined with delicious guitar hooks.

07. Get Together - Madonna

"If it's bitter at the start
Then it's sweeter in the end"

I'm mega addicted to it since the Confessions Tour started off. I don't have much to say about it though, it's simply beautiful, catchy, cute and hopeful. Love is something we all desire and tend to feel incomplete without, but it's funny that when we're facing it we back off and have second thoughts, because it's not easy to let down the guards/ego; Get Together describes that feeling so well.

The performance on the CT is the cutest thing ever. I wanna spin around myself and do knee-bends on the dancefloor!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqjuHXPaKI0

06. Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland

Come on!! Everyone who likes to shake their asses gotta love this one!! But it's not only that, the empathy between Nelly and Timbaland is amazing and they make cheap flirting talk sound so cool and hip. Furtado's intelligence works even in a supposed-to-be shallow song: who else would say "chilvary" in a pre-sex song?

05. Erotica/You Thrill Me - Madonna

That she's the master of re-invention, there's no doubt; but we can never be prepared to what she can do. For her Confessions Tour Madonna transformed haunt-darky-sexy 1992 Erotica into the cute-dancey-romantic Erotica/You Thrill Me. As for me, I just wanna dance to it.

The performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpRP54hJqOk

04. Chocolate - Kylie Minogue

My photo-log title is "Lucas Wants Romance" and lately it has been more true than ever. Uhg... sometimes I look at myself and see how lame I can get when I'm craving for romance, but now I've been very low-key about it. I mean, I still have butterflies for every cute boy I see on the street and all the feelings of possibility but no further drama than that. However, this desire for love made me hook in one of the best renditions about it. Kylie Minogue's Chocolate is so full of joy and describes perfectly the feelings that a romance-bitch like me feel. All I want is someone to "melt me slowly down"! And yeah, I'm as corny as this song is campy.

03. Peach Trees - Rufus Wainwright

"'Cause I'm so tired of waiting in restaurants
Reading the critics and comics alone"

Enough said... u.u

02. A Public Affair - Jessica Simpson

Ignore the fact it's by Jessica "Annoying" Simpson. This song is simply cool and fun; and to think of her homages in it... uhg amazing!! First and foremost the song resembles Madge's Holiday; everything, since the guitar hooks to the cool bubbles, makes you think of Holiday's fun and joi de vivre. So, when the bitch decided to make her video, guess what she homages? Sorry's video!! Okay, one can say that it's a 1980's Xanadu homage, but Madge did it first, so in recent memory Jessica did a Madge homage. Cheers for her!!

01. Susan MacLoed/In The Groove - Madonna

This was a mix used in her 2004 Re-Invention Tour. First, Into the Groove is one of the coolest songs ever made!! There's no way of avoiding its marvelous beats that make you jump and whril around. But who though it would work perfectly with martial drums and a Scottish bagpipe [Susan]? I guess this is the proof that the perfect songs are those that allow themselves to be changed and still sound like themselves.

The RIT performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPbZFAPMcFk Hoo get us kilts and sticks!!

Intel

Okay, remember Julio?

Earlier tonight I was having this light artsy conversation with a HS-times friend of mine on the MSN. We were saying how much we loved Jazz, the film 8 Femmes and I was telling her to watch Les Parapluis du Cherbourg. Then she started with this we-are-friends can-I-make-an-indiscreet-question kind of crap and I already knew what she was going to ask.

She laughed hard with my reply which was something like: "Hey sweetie, 3 simple tips: Madonna, Classic movies and Judy Garland." So she pleased my ego [she said that was the best answer she'd ever got to that question] and we started to go deeper in that subject: when I found out, if I was outted bla bla bla.

But I moved to the more interesting part of the convo: I asked her about other guys from the school times that she suspected about. She came up with a very interesting and revealing list that made me regret being far from the Conquista scenario for so long!! But well, of course I had a hidden agenda in all that: I hurried and asked about Julio... yeah Julio! Soraya [my friend who I forgot to name earlier] said: "Oh Julio! He IS!"

Well folks, now do you remember the feeling of possibility from two posts down? Yeah, you're so smart!!!!! But along with her intel [new name for gossip] came the information that Julio is about to go to London [!] this month!!!!!!!!

I don't have much time...

[Song: Chocolate - Kylie Minogue]

"Good Memory Kiddo..."

They always say "where there's fire there's heat". That reminds me of my school times when being called gay wasn't a rarity. I was always in denial of course, but later I decided I didn't have to explain anything to anyone, so what was said I [pretended that I] didn't care. Later I would find other classmates that would be bullied by the machos and take on the same action as mine: denial.

In adolescence, as I was discussing with my father yesterday at lunch, image is everything, especially in sexist societies as this one I was brought up in, and the stakes get higher at that particular time. So for my classmates and I it was better to lie to ourselves than to be out of the acceptance zone.

But all this sociological crap is to introduce what happened today. I was at the mall with my family and as we left I ran into an old classmate of mine, Julio César. [Big name uh!] He came towards me with a killer smile and grew taller than what I could remember as we approached each other. He gave me his hand and I shook it but my slow brain [doomed even more by AWFUL cappuccino I had had] didn't recognize him. My inicial receptivity to his smile was more because of the smile itself and the fact that he had a beard around it, than to the fact I knew him.

It was a brief greeting and as dad and I walked away I told him:

"If you ask me who he is I'll have no answer."

"Good memory kiddo..." he replied.

And I put myself to thinking... so, just like that, he came to my mind: Julio the other classmate who used to be bullied by the machos. Julio used to walk with the machos [like the way Gretchen followed Regina], so I imagine that concealing was harder for him; but it made me want to get connections with him again. I mean, I have no idea if he's outted [at least to his own mind] but uhg he's a cutie and as the old say says...

[Song: Love At First Sight - Kylie Minogue]

... life as a movie!

What wouldn't I give now for a fuck buddy? Just someone to chill, have a good talk over cappuccino and then lead for a bed somewhere and release the hormons. Nowadays I'd even skip the cappuccino part... But my longer for intimacy wouldn't allow it and it has made me sort of cynical lately. A week ago I met the guy who gave me the "impressive instant" from early August and it was a blast. But I don't know if I told [and I probabaly didn't] but I noticed he wasn't boyfriend material.

There are two basic things with which I can explain why that; both are ego-driven but only one is clearly ego-appealing. [You gotta guess which!]

The first is: he was kind of dumb; I mean, not that we actually had time to talk about serious things, but I sensed a certain air of ignorance and superficiality around him. The way he bent down to his supposed-ex's fairy-queene friend was kind of pitiful; probably he felt guilty and thought that being obsequious would redeem himself, which means he wasn't a very strong person, so...

The second thing is: he was the ultimate ego-pleaser. He called me hot, told me that my kiss was breathtaking and tore himself down on compliments, to me! You know I'm in the struggle to destroy my ego, but that was a lot and made me so fucking horny... well you know what happened.

Then, those two little facts perhaps wouldn't allow me to be in a relationship with Tiago [remember I'm doing suppositions based on them], but I know he would turn out to be a very good fuck buddy. And before this post stars to sink in "woulda, shoulda, couldas" let me go to the point: I still WAAAAAAAAAAANT [yeah that way] romance!!! I'm close to the point of going to one of those blind dates reality shows... uh, okay not so much. But the thing is: I want to share romance, I want to step ahead the daydreaming that's been boring me currently and wage intellectual intercourse!

So, last Tuesday, as I waited for my flight to Salvador at Guarulhos airport in São Paulo, I took courage to pay an absurd just for the sake of killing boredom and checking out my emails. Then comes my surprise: a guy emailed me!! He said he saw my profile on match.com and decided to email me. I felt so flattered and fuzzy inside!! You know me, the more down-to-earth and sober I may try to be I can't help feeling all perky and bouncy with the feeling of possibility! But few days after my last reply to his last email, nothing happens and I'm starting to get very cynical all over again.

So oh G-d, when will I stop pretending my life is the movies I watch and so much love?! Hmm... well actually, deep down I don't want to. I mean, during this period of dryness and absolutely no metaphysical fun filled with cynicism and impatience the movies and the books have given me at least fantasy. While I don't actually find my so-called-knight-in-shiny-armor-rescuer man I stick with the William Holden-s, Cary Grant-s, Micheal Vartan-s etc etc. As my lovely Ho says: "I believe in film romance"!

And to give a perfect closure to my romance-craving post guess which is the Movie Of The Day on IMDB?! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058450/ Yeah!! I want myself a Nino Castelnuovo but this time with a very and cute happy ending. I'm sick of the sad ones so overrated by the intellectual wannabes!! I want a film romance!!

PS: Ho, a cookie if you guess which actor I went to check out the name's correct spelling on IMDB! ;)

[Song: Skin - Madonna]

FUCK!!

Yesterday when I opened the box with my CDs I was hit by an anger to see that some of them had their acrylic boxes broken. No, not some, just my FAVORITE ones!!!! The Madonna and Kylie ones!!! Well, I'll try to buy new thingies tomorrow and be happy again.
Life in Conquista has been very numb. For now all I've done was wake up and walk around the house waiting for time to eat or whatever... Zenaide's been my only source of fun around here and the weekend's on and she'll go home and uhg... I gotta stop whinning and do something!!
[Song: A Public Affair - Jessica Simpson]