The Change Of Heart

I've been absurdly stressed. I'm to travel to Rio next week and still I wasn't able to get my ID card, without it I won't be able to get the plain, nor the concerts tickets. All the misfortunes that has been crossing my crusade are the paradigm of Murphy Law, but I still hope things will be okay in the end... I have to hold on to that.

But in this whole stress I've become a bit sensitive about things around; especially music that reminds me of twisted parts in my life. Lately it's been Brazillian g-d Vanessa Da Mata who's been startling me about the dark side of my joy.

Don't get me wrong. I'm far from going into depression land again, but suddenly the unfinished businesses of my life have showed themselves as if the red curtain was opened up. Last weekend was Children's Day, therefore, a holiday. Dad and I went to Salvador after two nights and a day in Inhambupe, his hometown. I saw my mom again, after a month since I moved back to Conquista; it felt like an eternity and I realized how much I miss her. That cunning ache to the chest possessed me as soon as I laid eyes on her; I wanted so much she'd go out with us but she preferred not to, probabaly because of dad. And on the Monday, after we dropped my sister home, I wanted to go upstairs and tell her my feelings; she still wasn't home though and I thought the chance was missed.

So, this morning, feeling terribly tired after another unsuccessful attemptive of getting my papers I drove home listening to Da Mata's Minha Herança: Uma Flor [already on the white-box] and the lyrics made me think of my relationship with mother. How I've been neglecting her emotionally and how probably she got tired to get close and seems now to be just accommodating with my coldness. And a fierce fear possessed me as the tears rolled down my face; a fear we'd become strangers, simply relatives who let the personality differences drive them apart.

The song however has optimistic lyrics and along with the fear came a deep and honest desire to fix everything; my heart wished so vehemently that I'd become a better son. My mom has been getting into so much [emotional] trouble lately, and listening to that song made me see how cruel and judgemental I've been towards her. I suddenly saw that by turning away and choosing not to get involved not even a bit with her problems, I've been positioning myself on a higher level than hers... and uhg I now see how stupid and embarrassing it is. Me Mr. I'm-Destroying-My-Ego... turning my back to someone who I should never do so.

All culminated in Woody Allen's Another Woman, and I found myself feeling like Gena Rowlands's character. In the end she decides to change... I guess I'm supposed to make a phone call.

[Song: Minha Herança: Uma Flor - Vanessa Da Mata]

The Songs Of 2005

I can’t even remember when music started to be one of the greatest parts of my daily life. Everyone who knows me personally, knows I’m always singing something and while all my friends spend their money in clothes, shoes or alcohol, every little penny I get goes to music industry. Despite of hearing more artists than I did in 2004, 2005 was a very homogeneous year as well. During the year, there were months or bimesters I could only hear one artist. From March to May, for example, Natalie Imbruglia reigned on my CD player. Here the list goes:

1. Hung Up (Madonna): Jose will call me a jealous bitch, because he had written the same post on his blog and the first song of his list is the same of mine. But since he knows I’m a Madge freak like him, he’ll understand no other song could occupy this spot of the list. Well, “Hung Up” was the best thing of 2005. After months of anticipation and a short and unexpected period of musical boredom (dark days when music died… to be more specific: when Mariah Carey and J-Lo were everywhere – bitter drama queen moment), “Hung Up” leaked “and everything went from wrong to right”. I was sure Madonna’s new single would knock me down as soon as I heard it, and it did: ask my knees and feet if they are the same after Hung Up’s launch.

PS: This spot actually belongs to the whole Confessions On A Dance Floor album, but since I can’t put an entire album in it, I chose its ambassador: “Hung Up”.

2. Confide In Me (Kylie Minogue): 2005 was the year that I became a Kylie fan. Ironically, the year before I used to loathe her. After Jose and the “Madonna environment” inject Kylie slowly into my veins, I started to look up for more of her. So I knew Spinning Around, The Loco-Motion, etc etc. I Believe In You and Giving You Up had made me Kylie-friendly months before, but when I bought Ultimate Kylie, it was “Confide In Me” that made me lose my mind. For a latin drama queen like me, that string section is heaven.

3. Counting Down The Days (Natalie Imbruglia): This woman swayed the first part of my relationship with Vag. I definitelly became a fan, for I have all of her albums, but what makes me love this woman is the fact that each song written by her fits perfectly in a certain moment of ours. “Counting Down The Days” is rather obvious, but there’s also, Satellite and Come September from the White Lilies Island album. Now, all of her songs make me think of something that is in the past and sound very aged.

4. Confessions Of A Broken Heart (Lindsay Lohan): After Rumors and Over I thought Lindsay’s music career was worthless attention. When I first heard “Confessions Of A Broken Heart”, however, something inside me clicked: “she’s genius!” With simple and kind of obvious lyrics, this song is interesting because it reveals a part of La Lohan that most of us don’t know (or don’t care to know): the deep, heartfelt girl who lives under the celebrity skin. I was always a fan of her movie career, but after this I love everything she does.

5. Humble Me (Norah Jones): Do you know how many times I must’ve heard this song last year? Neither do I. Strangely enough, it stuck into my brains for the entire year! I lost count of the times I caught myself singing or hmm-ing it while I walked around Marilia.

6. Hollaback Girl (Gwen Stefani): I spent an exact year into Gwen Stefani. In 2004, What You Waiting For? and Rich Girl blew my mind, and when I downloaded the whole album, Cool and The Real Thing were the best things of that year aside Madonna, and it (the album) made me not only a Gwen fan, but also, a No Doubt fan. In 2005, in a moment I thought I’d be already out of Gwen, “Hollaback Girl” hit Brazil. I knew it before, of course, but just then it blew my mind. The sassy, fun and misunderstood lyrics are delightful, it’s the beat, nevertheless, that wins. There’s no way I hear Hollaback Girl and don’t shake my ass like a good ho.

7. Don’t Cha Wanna Ride? (Joss Stone): Just because it’s my song with Nathalia. She turned out to be one of my best friends and this song makes me think of her. Besides, it’s fun, unpretencious and cool: as music is supposed to be.

8. Aire (Fey/Mecano): Whether sung by Fey or Ana Torrojan, this song is perfect by its surreal deepness. Jose, firstly, got me into Fey. However, the song sung by her that I loved was “Aire”, so it was just a step for me to become a Mecano admirer.

9. Pieces Of Me (Ashlee Simpson): Ha! This one’s the best! I H-A-T-E-D Ashlee Simpson. For me, she was just someone who was taking the ride of her unbearable sister’s (Jessica Simpson) fame to release an album. Suddenly, “Pieces Of Me” hooked into my mind for almost a week and I decided to finally listen to her music, so I could have basis for criticism. Ha, it bit my ass, because instead of hating it, I loved and now I’m a fan!

10. Over To You Now (Britney Spears): Right after Britney’s marriage I started to refuse her, and don’t even ask why because I don’t know, and don’t care in investigating. But after a whole year ignoring her work I simply couldn’t ignore this song, released as a b-side from the Japanese edit of Someday (I Will Understand). It rapidly entered my and Jose’s Sluts On A Dance Floor playlist and it turned me into a hopeless fan again.

11. Ainda Bem (Vanessa da Mata): This is the first Brazillian artist I become a fan since Sandy and Junior. My father introduced me to Vanessa’s music and at first I didn’t care much, but soon I fell in love with “Ainda Bem” and the Essa Boneca Tem Manual album.

12. Night And Day (Ella Fitzgerald): This one is simple: Cole Porter is genius and Ella Fitzgerald is G-d! “Night And Day” is the song that got me back into Jazz, especially Ella. This song gives me chills up and down my spine, I get butterflies in my stomach when it plays and my heart speeds up. But only Miss Fitzgerald’s version turns me on like that.

13. Screwed (Paris Hilton)/ Bucky Done Gun (M.I.A.)/ Dako É Bom (Tati Quebra Barraco): Just for the sake of being sassy, frivolous and trivial every now and then. Just for the sake of shaking my ass and being a slut whenever I feel like it. Just for the sake of doing whatever I want and listening to whatever I want to.

Others:

14. All I Really Want – Acoustic Version (Alanis Morissette) = …give me butteflies…
15. Better The Devil You Know/Shocked/What Do I Have To Do? (Kylie Minogue) = …3 Dance Music anthems…
16. Lala (Ashlee Simpson) = …sexy and cool…
17. Step Back In Time (Kylie Minogue) = …last tune of the year…
18. Whenever You Feel Like It (Kylie Minogue) = …cute and makes me dance…
19. Do Somethin’ (Britney Spears) = …infectious…
20. Rumors/Over (Lindsay Lohan) = …first is a slut hymn… second is beautiful…
21. Everlasting Love/Twentysomething/But For Now (Jamie Cullum) = …just because Cullum’s damn cute and deserves to be in this list.