Wednesday, January 31, 2007

About Betrayal, Human Behavior, Mike Nichols and Me

In one of Mike Nichols' films there is this character called Betty, played by Catherine O'Hara. Betty is this short talkative woman, no... talkative would be an understatement her mouth is like a motor and her favorite subject is other people's marriages, better saying other people's marriages' failures. Someone's always having an affair and her main goal is to find out with whom, oh and of course tell her friends, who happen to be most of Washington D.C.'s population. Betty is friend of the couple Rachel Samstat and Mark Forman [played by G-ds Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson]. Rachel was pregnant of their second baby when she finds out in a very silly way that Mark has been having a romantic affair with another woman. She flies back to her dad's home in NY with their baby girl Annie. Now here's where things get juicy.

Like everyone, especially women, who is not sure of what they're speeching, Rachel talks too emphatically to a long-time friend how her marriage is definitely over, therefore she must be at home in case her husband calls. The thing is, it's obvious Rachel still loves her husband, they got maried in a fever and despite the recent cold shower the temperature was still high. While she waits for him to call she does what every other human being who doesn't have an artichoke where should be the heart, she cries. We modern kids all cool and hip about things and [I must vehemently add] outsiders, probably can't understand why's she letting that motherfucker hurt her that way. If you [stupidly, I must add again] keep that thought you'd be angry with the fact that she does return to him, even though it's clear she can't trust him ever again.
That is the particular thing that amazes me the most; I'll quote a song now: "I know nothing stays the same, but if you're willing to play the game, it's coming around again." The screenplay of Heartburn was written by Nora Ephron based on her novel, but it was Mike Nichols who directed it. And that makes the film even more special, because Nichols' films tend to have a mouthdroping and shocking accuracy about human behavior. I doubt that any of the readers of this blog failed to see a little [euphemism] movie called Closer. It's not only the fact that both were directed by Nichols that makes these two mentioned films like brothers; in both of them we feel dazed and confused by the characters' choices and actions. Worst! We reluctantly see ourselves in them. But what Nichols majestically does, with a humbleness that all those Eastwoods, Spielbergs and Haggises should watch and learn, is to show us how we've been leading our lives and dealing with people close to us and mainly with ourselves. How we thoughtlessly go from one thing to another and for a second seem to consider that our actions might affect, not always in a good way, the person living with us. But we keep playing the game don't we?
The song I quoted above is "Coming Around Again" by Carly Simon. The song wasn't written for the movie Heartburn but it's not only part of the soundtrack how it is the fundament of the film's score. By the end of the film Rachel is with her kids and she's singing with her older daughter that children's song "Itsy Bitsy Spider". Please I'm no lecturing here but try to think the spider as us human beings, I'm not much fan of that thought since I despize spiders but there we are crawling up the water spout. We know it's bigger than us, we know it'll wash us out but we're always willing to play the game, especially because the sun will always come out and it will be coming around again.
You don't feel angry with any of Heartburn's characters; maybe poor Rachel for going back to her unfaithful husband, but you kind of understand her. That is because Nichols is not worried in judging his personages, so you never feel like it either; and probably because you're not wasting time judging their actions you feel you can relate to them easily [after all we shiver with the idea of being judged even by ourselves]. So here comes the confessional part of the text: I don't say I will never betray a person whether a friend or a boyfriend but I will always work myself not to. For only one reason: I, in my great comfort sometimes [another euphemism] horny zone can never approach, even if I become the best of statisticians [never gonna happen], how much of my actions can affect other people.
[Song: Coming Around Again/Itsy Bitsy Spider - Carly Simon]

Monday, January 29, 2007

"Jen, Is Ben Affleck Any Good In Bed?"

Can't wait for her to star doing great movies and get an Oscar!! One thing's sure, she'll always make the red carpet a beautiful thing to see.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Pop Extravaganza One

A while ago when people asked what I liked to listen to I used to say "whatever pleases me". I'm still on for that but there's an uncertainty on it that kinds of freaks me. See, as a college kid I'm pro of the specific; a person that knows little about all, knows nothing at all. So nowadays, after dealing with my own prejudices about the term, when a person asks me what kind of music do I like I say "pop".
But if you are one of those who think that Pop means Britney Spears and/or Christina Aguilera... poor you. I'm talking about maturity and art here. Pop Art. Coming from a branch that fully flourished during the late 80's and 90's, after the advent called Madonna, Kylie Minogue showed throughout the years that despite her obvious inspiration on the Queen of Pop she is much more than an industry spin off. Of course that every princess has a queen to shadow her, but Kylie has more light than most people like to ignore.
In 2005 she had to cancel her greatest hits tour, The Showgirl Tour, due to breast cancer; but in 2006 she came back in full throttle with The Showgirl Homecoming, a reworked version of the former. In it Kylie and her partners went beyond the term of campy. Pop music is what can be considered the most kitsch of the styles; since it's a marketing thing [what sells is done] it can suck from all kinds of styles and say nothing at all; that gives credit for the people to diss it, but it's Pop music that provides this mixture of rhythms and textures. One woman is pioneer in transforming this salad in art, but few others after her were able to keep it on the same level; among them Kylie Minogue. With the Homecoming she gave a touch of delightful fashion glamour to the everyday kitsch of Pop Music.
She opens the show with a classic-esque overture resembling the Hollywood Golden Era musicals. And it's not there that the pop culture references stop. She reworked her Folies Bergère inspiration with a gorgeous pink feather outfit; Minogue looks classy and luminous with costumes that not often works for everyone. She's able to wear an over the top wardrobe like Homecoming's leopard catsuit and still look gorgoeus. On the show's second set, the Everything Taboo, she's wearing a sexy 70's-ish mini-dress and a crazy wig that you can't help thinking of Edie Sedgwick in her Wharhol days and all the wildness and effervescent culture of that period. She also performs the classic pop/disco-anthem Vogue's rap not only paying homage to its author but to all those stars that are inspiration sources for the style.
We also see a brilliant sequence of choreography in Confide In Me and Cowboy Style where Minogue proves that obstacles in life are only to make you stronger. She floats on stage times lightly times abruptly but either way she's the perfect combo of body and voice, singing perfectly while doing intricate moves. In Too Far she gives perfect vocal performance attesting that one may not have the best voice in the business, but one can work to do graces with it.
Kylie Minogue is Pop Art with sheer delight. Her "Cher hits the space" and the "dashboard pants" outfits are glamourous and fun fashion statements raising the bar of the forementioned kitsch, making it watchable and commendable due to the historical and cultural references. You might not find social and religious poetry in her work, but depth you sure will.

[Song: I Should Be So Lucky - Kylie Minogue]

Saturday, January 27, 2007


And guess what! As a great present from the Universe for my achievements [I also passed on UFBA's vesitbular - being UFBA a federal university] I got a tonsillitis!!! My throat feels like shit and I bet smells like it as well - okay tmi. But yeah, after a night of fever and a morning at a queue in the hospital [the friggin' doctor took hours to assist those before me and dispensed me after 10 minutes I was in!] here I am...
Sometimes I'd really like to get more optimist about it all you know, but argh life loves to have me bitching. Besides where'd be the fun anyway?
[Song: Bittersweet Faith - Bitter:Sweet]

Friday, January 26, 2007


In Brasil we have private and public colleges.
The public ones are divided in two categories: the state colleges and the federal colleges. The state ones are taken care by each state's governments; they provide the necessary funds to the school's subsistence. Same happens with the federal ones, but in their cases the country's government is responsible for the budgets et al.
UNEB is an acronym for Universidade Estadual da Bahia [Bahia's State University], being Bahia the state I live in. All universities, including UNEB, have a selective process called "vestibular" that the candidates to the 20/60 chairs [depending on the course and school] have to go through. The vestibular consists on 2 or 4 days [depending on the university] of exams of the basic disciplines: Portuguese, Brazillian Literature, English, Brazillian and General History, Geography, Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Math and a 25/30 lines composition. Yeah it's a dog's life!
I applied this year to three public universities and have been waiting for their vestibular results. The results are crucial to my moving to Salvador. Tonight, UNEB's results were out. And...
[Song: On A Night Like This - Kylie Minogue]

Thursday, January 25, 2007


All I want is someone who doesn't stop!! Never stop till the end... if you know what I mean! Doesn't let me get warm! Oh and orphan...

That's all!

[Song: Hyper-Ballad - Björk]

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Monday, January 22, 2007

Tia Antônia

I was always an imaginative person and always created fantasies about experiences I'd have. I fantasized my first kiss [it was nothing like I imagined] and although I hate to admit I still fantasize my first sexual experience. Another thing I always daydreamed about would be a life in Paris [or New York] where I'd sit at typical Parisian café [or even Starbucks] and have a cigarette or two while reading some Literature classics [or the "critics and comics alone"].

Vitória da Conquista used to be an undreamy town, where nothing interesting for a young and nerdy person like me would happen. There was no cinema, no drama theatre company or life... just bars, worst lousy bars soundtracked by bad Axé and Pagode. Two years and a half later I return to a town that seems to be in full crescendo; we finally have a considerable mall with an average multiplex [hurray to capitalism!], a French restaurant [!] and several thematic bars, loads of book shops [considering there was just one when I left]; but the thing that mostly hooks me is Conquista's very first café. Café Don'Antônia.

The rustic decoration resembles a typical Brazillian northeastern house, with dully lighten rooms and bare brick walls, where as you pass the foyer feels like you're in a misty dream that mix past and future. Cinnamon/coffee beans decorated tables plus antiquity books and records and an unused gramophone make you feel like you're in a cozy time travel. If not enough the coffee is great and the soundtrack is formed by chill lounge albums, classic sambas sung by modern sweet feminine voices and MPB... it'd be my dream come true if "Peach Trees" was an usual.

But now, in the month of January, before I go straight to the back yard [where there are tables and is the smoking area] the foyer catches my attention more than usual. I didn't mention before but the foyer is an art galery; each month is an artist's show but this month the costumers do the art. They placed inks, crayons and colour pencils and who enters are welcome to paint the walls. So, an award for the one who first guess which is my painting.

[Song: Peach Trees - Rufus Wainwright]

Helen Mirren I Now Completely Forgive You For Making Awards Season So Boring This Year

Golden Globe winner Dame Helen Mirren finds Madonna's controversial 1992 Sex book inspirational - and admits she holds the star's outspoken sexual views in high regard.

Sixty-one-year-old Mirren, whose reputation for stripping off in films often obscured her acting ability, insists she hated having to play a certain type of 'sexy female' in the past - but admires Madonna's 'fantastic' and unique grasp of her sexual self. She says, 'The thing that was imposed on me from the outside was crude and vulgar and distressful to me, and disturbing - that big t**s, blonde hair, Diana Dors, blowsy kind of thing. (But) I think Madonna got it right. Madonna claimed it for herself, and I've always admired her for that. I loved that Sex book she did. I thought it was fantastic, because it was a big two fingers up, 'This is my sexuality, it's not what you put on me, it's mine.'

Saturday, January 20, 2007

The Cigarette Club Strikes Back

What to do when the place you're inside is colder than the brave wind outside and the DJ no matter how well intentioned he is just can't get it right [aka never plays your song]?
Last night TheCC got together again and despite the defalcation [no Bel, Nai, Mondy and Nalim] we hit the town's newest upper class snob bar, The Vinil Music Lounge. As we entered we noticed the parade of Brazillian couture and flawless make up joined by buff bodies [as we were on Converses, shorts and Havaianas], seriously some of the hottest people from Conquista were partying there... uhg did I say partying? Pardon my slide, they were simply parading around with the bored stares mixed with sometimes up and loud conversations. Of course everyone's entitled to take a holiday as they please, but you all know how I like to take it.
TheCC didn't care about them; we got in snob enough to ignore the snotty noses and humble [or you may say slutty] enough to smile to everyone. The music was okay, but the lack of dancing people maintained the area cold; so here goes the thing that mostly made me feel gorgeous: we just started dancing as if there would be no tomorrow! We were the sensation, I have no doubt! In a moment all the preppy girls were just looking at us and smiling - I don't care if they were making fun of us or envying us, we were just having a great time! So out of nowhere this gorgeous woman joined us and we all danced together! Later I realized she knew two of the members but she was amazing and so different from the rest of the people from there... she looked like us, but rich!
I got warned twice for smoking [now I hate places that don't let us do so] and one of the bouncers actually threatened to kick me out if I didn't stop. At that moment I just wished to be Giovanna Battaglia and tell him to fuck off, but still I gave several deep gulps on my beloved ciggie as Vinicius bitched on him. We laughed our asses off! When we finally went out to smoke the DJ followed us to do the same. We pleaded him anything from Madonna and he promised to play Hung Up. When he did, uhg it was a louzy version that not even us Madge lovers liked imagine the bunch of ignorants on the dance floor. What did we do? We sung the lyrics so loud it was impossible not to notice not us, and yeah we rolled our arms baby!!
Things finished at 3am and we went out for a snack till 4... dude, "right now I feel like I could take on the whole Empire myself!!"
[Song: Erica America - Saint Etienne]

Uhg... I Miss It So Much!

That's all!

Friday, January 19, 2007

The Cigarette Club

Some say "real friendships never end", I say "fuck the end!"
When you go to a party... uhh make it a gay party, you have three options: a) you stand back looking bored stupidly waiting for someone to approach you; b) you give it away and dance your ass off as if there's no tomorrow [usually my option]; or c) you look for someone you know. I never know anyone but the last GLS party I attend to was filled with long-time-no-see people. Including Vinicius. He used to be a friend of mine during high school but for confusing unknown and teeny reasons we got apart.
However, as some trick of destiny I hung out at the party with him and the people he was with [also very known people] and now we all are The Cigarette Club. The name? Well, almost everyone here smokes like a chimney; I gave up my self control about it and honestly am not caring about cancer and other diseases related to the habit, I simply like it I do it; my dues are my dues. And since the party I've been hanging out with these guys and having the best of times.
We are: Isabel, Naiara, Monada, Vinicius, Nalim, Ruman [the cute German] and some others I can't remember the names... I've never had such a big gang and I've never been so happy and carefree ever since Marilia Drama Club early days. We've been from partying wildly, to bars sitting, galery wall paintings and sunset watching.
It's all so funny how the world goes round and you meet people that feels like you know for a lifetime. Isabel's this gorgeous and outgoing girl, so loud and careless you can't help feeling happy around her, therefore you long to be around her. The second day we went out she turned to me "Lucas, Promiscuous is our song! I'll always remember you when I listen to it!" You can imagine how flattered I was at the moment, one of the coolest songs ever... it turned out to be the main theme of this week with these guys.
The other girls are as gorgeous as Bel, but I know them for a quite considerable time and it's been refreshing to be with them again. We're all laughing and suddenly we realize we don't know what we're laughing about anymore! Besides, it's always great to find people that love nasty sex talk like me. That brings me down to the member that is not constantly with us, but uhg I wish he were...
Ruman. Oh Ruman! You all know my Micheal Jackson tendencies, you all know my gringo horny desires, my thing for long haired kids... well, Ruman is German, he's 17 and uhg he's hair!!! He didn't seem gay at all to me so he'd be just a silly obsession. Tonight as we all talked in the most blasé of the moods at a bar he came up with the other interchange student Eva, telling about this party he was moments earlier. "Is it good?" someone asked, to which he replied: "uhh, meh... it's packed up with girls!" Yes, yes you're right! I instantly had that smile on my face and instantly started doing my favorite thing to do.
They like to talk about forever, but I'd rather be happy now, live the moment. I'm not preoccupied if this will be a summer thing, if I'll never party with these guys as we're partying now. And this feeling of looseness had cleaned my nicotined lungs and mind. What will happen in the end? Really, it's about time you realized I don't care.
[Song: Erica America - Saint Etienne]

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


The funniest part of it all
Is that we never plan’d anything
We were on our own
We never meant to meet

But fate decides to throw a ball
Implied it was gay themed
Friends having the best of shows
Acquaintances revive the link

The past it gone
We all know that
But things could still be hell

Instead we had
Grea’ fun bein’ done

Guess things end’ up so well

Explanation of this on the next post...

[Song: Only Love Can Break Your Heart - Saint Etienne]

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Completely Uncalled For

Okay! Totally out of the moment and somewhat ridiculous, after the 2nd watch is not that funny, but 1st they're hot and second it's funny!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Bitchy Talk

In 2007 I decided to interview bloggers I read, friends and people I admire. Actually it's not a convetional interview and it's more of a conversation between two friends. Since this is a blog about Lucas [moi] bitching about life and everything else, there is of course a bitchy outline on the talk [then the post title - lame, I know].
As my first guest I chose Marcela, from The Dark Girl's Rhyme. If it weren’t for the ho we would have never known each other, but he’s not the only thing in common between us. The girl behind the dark rhyme is this lovely Honduran Gemini who instantly caught my attention with her intricate and auto-analytic posts mixed with pop-culture elements and Architecture [!]. Her intelligence and talent are always prominent on her words, sometimes inspired and/or swayed by geniuses like Tori Amos, Björk and Damien Rice. Marce’s in the search of her own voice and place in the world [*hi5* Marce!], she’s always friendly but when she feels bored she breathes and look inside herself to pick the next road.
A while before we started this she was listening to Judy Garland’s The Man That Got Away. I asked “aren’t you dying” and she agreed how amazing it is. We have the same story with the song: the first time we ever heard it was on a Gilmore Girls episode and it instantly took and broke our hearts; we didn’t even know the existence of each other back then, but somehow it got us connected.
)( Lucas Bradshaw)( I'm looking in the space...: 1st lemme start by my usual question: what are u listening right now?
words are trivial: nothing! it’s awful, I wanted to concentrate on your questions.
LB: ohh don’t mind me, I bet Jose scared u. I’m not gonna make u cry like Barbara Walters.
WAT: he told me exactly that!
LB: I know he did that bitch. Then tell me about the bitchy part of your routine, the moments you most feel like a bad girl.
WAT: well, to be perfectly honest, my bitchy moments are tiny innocent things, like in my group of friends I’m always deciding what we are going to do. I’m a control freak, but I fight with it. I’m very bossy with people around me. I try to be all zen, but yeah it’s hard.
LB: we should make a club, some sort of ACF = Anonymous Control Freaks; and do daily meetings.
WAT: yes!!!
LB: well, it prolly wouldn’t work you know...
WAT: everyone would want to impose their views.
LB: what do you most dislike in people?
WAT: I don’t like people who are arrogant for no reason, I mean when they don’t have the talent or intelligence to back up their pretension (I confess some people are very confident, and that’s very appealing). I hate when someone doesn’t stick to their word.
LB: do you always stick to your word?
WAT: I can’t say I always do, but when I fail there’s always something bigger than me, that’s not on purpose.
LB: I admire that on people too and always try to follow that premise as well. What I most admire is that when one admits they’re wrong; it's not as hard as it seems and it should be done always… we'd all get along better.
WAT: I totally agree with you. It shows a level of humility so rare in people.
LB: you’ve said things I read on Jane Fonda's autobiography. She says that we should find our voices and speak for ourselves; what do you think of Jane Fonda, Marce?
WAT: well, all I know about her is what I learned on her E! True Hollywood Story. What struck me the most is how passionate she is about things; she puts all of herself without holding back… she commits. She develops a kind of confidence that you can’t help but gravitate towards her.
LB: do you have any film obsession? [Confess, you saw that coming!]
WAT: I kind of expected it. Closer, I have watched it a million times. I think it’s very accurate about human nature and the cruelty in love relationships. It doesn’t hurt that the film is beautifully done either.
LB: I totally agree. When I first watched it I felt shocked, the emotions are so intense and everything goes through our eyes in such a rapid [but still slow] pace that you at first don't know what hits you.
WAT: my favorite thing about it is that it concentrates on average people, there are no great impossible circumstances here. And it’s 99% dialogue, I love that!
LB: I don’t even have to ask if The Blower's Daughter is your favorite song. Do I?
WAT: actually it’s not.
LB: I miss… Which is your favorite song then?
WAT: Björk’s Hunter.
LB: uhg I never heard it.
WAT: you have to listen to it, it’s perfect! It’s so empowering, yet humble and the beat is kind of architectural. So great! I’m sure you’ll love it.

LB: I neglect Björk a lot, some people gave me traumas about her. [Like: I was Björk friendly, until I knew some fans of her and they were so annoying I transferred it to the poor woman.] Do you have any crazy trauma? Or am I the only wacko like that?
WAT: you know you’re not the first one who tells me that about Björk. I know her whole image can be a little over the top, but she’s actually a great musician. She rejects the whole folky guitarsy thing and wants to create something completely different.
LB: that’s what I initially most loved about her, she reinvents herself in ways no other does. Do you have big dreams Marce?
WAT: yes, of course! But they are always changing.
LB: what are the current ones then?
WAT: right now I dream of becoming a great architect and a huge writer. I don’t know how that will be combined, but I want to be a Latin American Zaha Hadid, the nowadays greatest female architect. She’s a Deconstructivist, a style so hard to handle: it’s like architecture with psychological problems with poetry in them.
LB: OMG! How genius! Tell me more.
WAT: this kind of construction is made with metallic materials [titanium, zinc], because the shapes are pointy, aggressive. And there’s one more thing: this kind of architecture doesn’t always respect the rules of function.
LB: how does all that apply to Marce's life? Not only Deconstructive architecture, but the whole art itself.
WAT: it’s very simple: it’s a vivid image of who I want to become.
LB: do you have a hero?
WAT: yes! My hero is Tori Amos.
LB: she’s sure great! She has some imaginative lyrics and I love her crazy piano, the way she sings like she’s fucking the mic. What’s your favorite song by her?
WAT: I can’t just pick one, it’s impossible! I can give you five, is that ok?
LB: Yaay lists!! Gimme!
WAT: it’s in no particular order, my life just wouldn’t be complete without these songs. 1) Cornflake Girl; 2) Playboy Mommy; 3) Father Lucifer; 4) Muhammad My Friend and 5) Crucify. They’re all amazing! Her story is incredible, do you know it?
LB: I read something a while ago. She’s daughter of a priest or something like that and she was raped as a teenager and that’s a frequent subject in her songs.
WAT: and how every record revolves around a theme, etc.
LB: Marce, I’d like to ask you a pic or an image that you would relate to yourself in the moment and explain why, of course.
WAT: well, it would have to be Klimt’s “Portait of Mada Primavesi.” I kind of look like her, but also she looks like a little girl, surrounded by all things ethereal. Her stare is so serious, like she’s been around the world and knows what the deal is about. That painting is so straight forward about her intentions.
LB: that’s a great insight! Oh there’s a last question I was always meant to ask you but I always forgot: your blog’s title, “The Dark Girl’s Rhyme”, tell me about it. Is it inspired by something?
WAT: it’s a Dorothy Parker Poem. Can you guess where I met Dorothy Parker?
LB: uhh… a Tori Amos’s song?
WAT: no, Gilmore Girls. Don’t you remember, it’s one of Rory’s favorite authors. The name of Amy Sherman-Paladino’s production company is “Dorothy Parker Drank Here”. You have to read her, I’m sure you will love.
LB: omg it’s true and I had noticed that a while ago, wondered who parker was but forgot to wiki her; thanks to you I’ll do it.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Moi... Lolita

The night I dance in a club like this girl does with all of them dancing around me and having the fun she seems to be having, I'll be the happiest sex G-d alive.

January 10th

Fat Unities: 2 [in liquid form... cappuccinos]; alcoholic unities: 0 [boring!]; cigarettes: 3 [and the last one was awful... mix of guilt with dizziness].
Holy fuck! Last night I got home feeling sick lied down for a while and woke up at 3 a.m.! I went out with Soraya [intel girl]; we hit the movies to see a lovely Brazillian piece about growing up in a strange environment and later we went to the town's café, Don'Antônia.
Sol is a marvel, we've talked about all her favorite subjects that happened to be mine as well: movies and jazz! We raved on Meryl Streep, our mutual favorite actress alive, and before the movie session I could not leave the department store without a La Streep piece I've been meaning to watch for ages. I recommended her classics she never watched like An Affair To Remember, All About Eve, A Star Is Born and Breakfast At Tiffany's [!] and some modern marvels like Mean Girls.
Soraya is funny and adorable; she also has the same memory problem as mine, maybe even more critical [she forgets movie titles!], and turned out to be a total carefree person, a bit different from the high school girl I used to remember. She was okay about my smoking, although she despises cigarettes. At the café we raved more on Julie Andrews [her love] and Audrey Hepburn [my love], talked about our lives, the optimism over 2007 and food talk.
After we Judy-ed, I drove her home and stopped at a fast-food in the way home to have a milk-shake and a smoke. Uhg the smoke! It took over my brains in the worst fashion possible, making me feel sick and like puking. I suddenly felt this huge guilt ["why the fuck am I smoking?!"] combined with all those feelings; my very dramatic side made me hate myself and lose the optimism; I hated the fact I was smoking, I hated my strawberry milk-shake [I left without drinking a sip], I hated the fact I was alone, I hated myself for hating being alone... I tried to read but the book's words just jumbled before my eyes and made me even more sick. Peach Trees came instantly on my mind... but honestly I don't want that anymore. Supercalifragilistiexpialidocious cheered me up a little as I drove home but uhg I lied down and died.
Now... I feel like throwing up, but I still want a cigarette.
[Song: All By Myself - Celine Dione]
PS: Bridget Jones post.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007


Ahh... no matter how I try to explain you I know you won't simply believe me. You might even turn off and tell me you do, but I know that deep inside of yourselves you'll have this little hint of doubt. In the other hand I don't feel obliged to convince you about the truth of my words, I guess I'm just too old for that... old, did I say old? Uhg, sometimes I feel so into myself and into the moment I'm living that I forget I have all these years on my back. I've always lived the time I was living, with no gazing into distant futures, going with the flow [except maybe for this right and exact moment, when I speak today... but I'm years ahead]; I didn't make much plans, nor stressed myself out with the probabilities... and now I wonder... wonder! I'm always wondering, uhg... sometimes it seems like a waste of time, but you know fuck time!, I never intended to spend it as everyone thought I should... but I do wonder if this life style was really the right one for me.
Okay, the thing is: I'm Lucas, but not Lucas. I'm Lucas in 2047, when he's uh I'm... you know, 60-years-old. And in a spur of a non-kabbalist moment I decided to step back in time to let you know if I found my boogie. No, I won't tell you if I won the Oscar, nor even who won it in the year of 2007; we don't drive on flying cars [yet] and still haven't inhabited the moon or Mars; World War III still didn't happen and global warming catastrophe was indeed the big deal. It's kind of complicated [or would the word be frustrating?] to tell that even though time has changed many things, most things [at least the ones that really matters] haven't changed. But what really matters? When I was young, uhg I was very self-absorbed; not that I was a heartless egocentric bitch a hundred percent of the time, I'm not that self-deprecating, but I focused mainly on myself, my life, my achievements. Well, no one's to tell me I was wrong back then, not even myself... I still advice you all to keep building yourselves up on what you know at the moment that is right for you; you might get fucked up [and you will] but that is what is worth.
So looking at my young self now that I've gone out there and went after what I wanted I know my life was good. Probably the best feeling of fulfillment is when you look back and see that your stumbles and mistakes were your own. And G-d how I stumbled! Even when I was 20 I never expected to get things at first, I was always a bit slow and even with all my spiritual and psychological studies at the time [that are valid I recommend] I never expected nor really wanted to achieve perfection - at least not in this lifetime.
This talk sounds really presumptuous and prepotent ["here he comes the Spielberg-esque dude from the future coming to tell us what we should do"], but my main target here is myself. I'm still a bit egocentric, but I wanna tell Lucas to keep being because as I said, my life was good and it is because he just went for the things that mattered to him. And the rest "don't matter at all..."

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Que Será, Será

If you ask me what is my dream I'll say "I want to be a respected and famous actor." This dream still persists but I've been so far and I've been to so many places and have experienced so many stuffs about myself in the past two years that I don't know exactly what I want anymore.
Nah, actually, let's say I realized now that I have many dreams; every New Year's Eve I somehow end up by myself, apart from everyone and then I have my new year's epiphanies or initial daydreams and wishes. From 2005 to 2006, right after the year shift I realized/decided 2006 would be my "coming out" year; I went to gay clubs, got boys, came out of the closet for a lot of people including my parents etcetera.
This year, after a semi-argument with Alais I took a stroll on the beach as the first day of the year dawned; I felt free and secure of myself. As I watched the first rays of sunlight burning the chilly waters of the sea I felt this amazing afterglow, a feeling of security that 2007 will be a year of accomplishment and paving. I'm keeping myself from having high hopes, but I'm sure that Salvador will do me great.
One day, I went to the Solar Do Unhão in Salvador to see Volver; it was near sunset and I completely fell in love with that city - like huge crush. There's something so mischievous about Salvador: it's like that wacko and hip friend you love spending time with but you know you can't completely trust, but you don't refuse his company at all; like the dark corner you know you should not turn, but you certainly do because it's the shortcut home. You see everything there, from the beautiful scenarios to the anguishing situations; and I've been to São Paulo quite a few times, the supposed "diversity city" of my country, it's not half as mesmerizing as Salvador. I love São Paulo's stiff and beautiful buildings the genius architectures and the fact it never sleeps; but it's far from having the je ne sais quoi and swing Salvador has. São Paulo is grey, while Salvador is beyond colorful.
As I came closer to the Solar's pier and I saw that huge orange ball touching the water with its million golden magic needles, illuminating not only the ocean but everyone around's smiles and countenances, making them all look absolutely beautiful even if they weren't so much, I felt like home. "How could it hurt you when it looks so good?"
So, when I felt the beach wind caressing my face in the first morning of 2007 I felt excited to go back to Salvador, and for good to put my life on tracks there, live that town, know it and inject it into my veins. I'm excited about reassuring my dreams, or renewing them; having new experiences, that I don't exactly expect them to be good and/or totally pleasurable, I just want to have them in that new and somewhat hostile [because it's new] environment.
"Que será, será. Whatever will be, will be."

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Oh Itacaré...

... now that I'm back to dull Conquista I'm sure gonna miss Itacaré. All about it.
Okay not all...
Of course I won't miss the naughty unwanted morning rains...
the camping tents with holes...
the camping!!! [Uhg how I love my bed! Or any other soft and smooth one!]...
the icky camping neighbours...
the cell phone thieves...
the annoying reggae music...
the fact that it was impossible to have clean feet there...
the fact that it was impossible to have decent hair there...
But uhg all those gringos...
the summer feeling...
the beaches with that thin sand that makes the most delicious and relaxing sound when you step on it [a mix of chain-clang and dry cloth on semi-wet glass]...
the delightful brunches at Caramelo...
the hot German from brunch time that I'm sure was gay but way out of my league...
the heat [!]...
the crazy summer friends I'll never meet again [not the same way and with the same beach-mood]...
the mojitos...
the guiltless cigarettes..
the drunken and high evenings...
the pot [yes the pot!]...
the Prada...
the humos...
the fried egg-plant...
the hot Isreali...
the cosmopolitan-esque restaurants...
all of these things and some other more I can't think of right now will be missed and willing to be repeated.
[Song: How We Used To Live - Saint Etienne]

Monday, January 01, 2007

The First Day Of The Rest Of The Year [?]

[click the links for pics.]
I stormed out of the camp tent having the thick raindrops pounding all over my body, but the moment I arrived there I desperatedly realized that what I ran to save just couldn't be saved.

The moment me and Alais decided to come to Itacaré we vowed to have fun despite of our little inner craps [she about a boy and me about where to stay]. The first day [Friday, December 29] here was a marvel after an incredibly tiresome, stressful but still fun bus trip; there were some people from Conquista in the bus and in town my dread was accomplished when we didn't find any decent-cheap inn to check in... in other words we had to camp. Later we walked by one of the gorgeous beaches and ended sleeping on the sand, feeling the ocean breeze. We were so tired we couldn't exactly define if we were actually having fun as we danced to surf music and had bad wine with a couple of cool girls from our town that we met at night.
The following day we met the guys from the bus [a bunch of funny and cool queens] and we went to this distant beach where we had to go through an inside forest track to arrive. I felt that that almost-an-hour walk through hills, mud, trees and horrend spider-webs was worth it when I finally saw what awaited us. After hours burning under the sun we went back to town to have coffee and drinks but Alais and I ended up sleeping early: she was really tired, I was bored. By the end of that day we were already considering in returning home earlier than planned [January 3] because to spend 5 following days listening to boring reggae [not nasty but fun reggaeton] and forró; we were in the desire for some rave parties that were so in the year before [as she had told me], but all we had so far were those mostly-sleepy rhythms and an inexplicable avoidance to booze.
So the last day of the year came and I was already hating our camp neighbours; the motherfuckers spent the whole days smoking pot and listening to [uhg] reggae, Nirvana and hideous 80's Brazilian rock music. We woke up really late and after getting some money we decided to wait for that last day to decide if we should go back earlier. We strolled on the beach after eating like pigs [the main thing we managed to do well ever since] and drolling on hot tourists and an Isreali restaurant-owner; we met the cool girls again at the Beach and decided to have some mojitos and flirt with the hot percussionist that was playing. Talk about fun! I couldn't believe we were finally getting our wishes for the weekend; the musicians sat with us on the table and the heavy flirting started. Alais thought he was gay [which gave me a glow] but I instantly managed to notice that his somewhat sweet and feminine voice was due to his accent. Juliana and Alais started to flirt with him while Geisa, Tadeu [that had called in minutes before] and I had enthusiastic and inflamed conversations about art, politics and... pot! I at last got high with that; my previous try-outs weren't so succesful about the effect of the herb in me but that time it got through and hell it was heavenly! I felt happy and crazy to dance and sing and laugh and have fun. We stayed at the beach until 10 p.m. when we ran to eat and shower. As usual we got late and the year-turn was spent at the camp, but later we had the craziest and wildest fun! I got drunk and high as I no longer remembered how; we met some crazy girls drinking vodka and coke and of course we joined them, dancing at a heavenly electro-salsa [finally a reggae-less] party!! At some point Alais passed out but we kept having fun till morning, when I entered the camp and started the upseting first day of the year.
As I tied up to rest for a while I plugged my cell phone to recharge; I got into the tent to read during it but ended up passing out. Suddenly the early mentioned rain woke me up and I ran to keep my phone from getting wet. I there realized I didn't have to bother because it wasn't there anymore! Uhg, yeah my $500 reais cell phone was stollen. I actually myself for being so idiot in getting asleep and leaving the the thing there, and then I hate everything else. It nudged us to buy a bus ticket for tomorrow and of course my mind blames the coke-head pot-eater camp-neighbours. The day has been the dullest so far being compensated only by Miranda Priestly's devilish [and inspiring] behavior and the prospect of getting heavy drunk again tonight.
[Song: Heart Failed - Saint Etienne]