Saudade

"When I get lost in space

I can't return to this place

'Cause you're the one

Nothing fails, no more fears

Nothing fails, you washed away my tears"

When I went to hug Mrs. Maria she thanked me for everything I had done for her daughter. At that moment I was the one who felt like thanking. She probably didn't know that it was her daughter, Tania, one of the first people in Marília to save me. After my first drunk-spree when the alcohol seemed to go, and all the things we tend to forget when tipsy returned to bite my ass, Tania was the one there listening to my everlasting drama talk. She was the first person in Marília that I trusted completely, that I opened up.

Then I remember that later, when eveyrbody was already asleep, I'd be up, sat alone thinking about my craps... until he comes, my mysterious boy: Filipe. Okay!! Now I confess: I've always fancied about him. One simply can't not in the beginning; his enquire-ish nature added to those boyish charms at first daze you away and you forget the annoying self-centred narcissism that comes along. Before you know him deeply, Filipe is one of the most fascinating human beings one can ever meet, and later when his other more grayish colors are shown you can't help choosing to tap yourself to the previous ones. I hate to admit but we got very apart on the last months; can't say if my coming out can be credited to that or if it's only me who didn't have the patience to deal with the fact that we were in different levels of consciousness... but we had wonderful moments.

Moments mostly shared with Juliana too. Oh that girl is my angel! She has pissed me off so much during the last days with her reluctance in growing up and evolving; however her constant support and love made me see that I was the imature one in not seeing the good sides on her actions. Her immaturity challenged my patience and she was helping me out even when I tried to push her off. The bitch knew me so well and I couldn't help loving her. I don't think I ever could conceal anything from Juliana; she was definitely the one I trusted enough to come out at first.

Then comes the forth side of the quartet: Fernanda. My sweetheart. She would always be a star in my films, no matter how few were her lines or limited was her time onscreen, they'd always be a marvel and full of joy. Sometimes she pissed the hell off of me, even more than her cousin [Juliana], but I could never stop loving her. To tell her goodbye was so painful and sad that I simply dried up; probably my brain paused and blocked my emotions for some kind of stupid self-protection, but even if at the moment I couldn't express I was feeling like shit to leave her, I was... I am.

Later I met so many: Marilia and her lovely dirty talk; she made me laugh and realize how such a wonderful lover I could be... Mariana and Karla and their slight poison also made me laugh and helped to take care of my own tongue and watch my ego; they also provided me the share of nicotine I wanted to have but was too chicken-shit to have it myself. [Thank G-d!] Erika and her limited view about herself helped me to see how I should not be and what behaviors I should avoid; but she was one of the most loved, with her gratitude and sincerity. I felt so happy to help her through defying and challenging moments of hers... I will be forever thankful to her for always giving me the oportunity to be generous.

And finally she comes: my eternal crush, my soulmate. From the moment I decided to go back to Bahia I knew she'd be the hardest to say goodbye to. Nathalia simply became more than what I could expect she would turn out to be. To see her grow with me during this one and a half year was one of the most fulfilling experiences so far. The night she went to pick me up for the last time I saw her crying and I felt horrible to feel I was still dry... I wanted to cry with her, I wanted to show that to leave her was gravely painful. G-d what a girl! What a woman she's becoming! I pray to always be present in her life even with the distance. Nathalia made me think, pushed my buttons. She taught me that utter honesty isn't always required and that intimacy, if not with her, is a shit!

As the bus hit the road I earplugged myself to the song that will always connect me to her: Get Together. Then I finally cried: overwhelmingly painful and nonstopable tears. Who else will give me delightful and thought-provoking car rides? Who else will understand my glances even before I speak and check out gorgeous men with me? From all my friends she was the one that mostly made me comfortable about my sexuality. And yet she attracted me!! While the other members of the Timeless Quartet [Ju, Fi and Fer] will always co-star my movie, it's Nathalia that I want to share the screenplay with. What a hell of a great writer she is! I still think she could let herself go a bit more and appreciate the art of self-depreciation, but it's just her, that's her way, that's what makes her unique and perfect to my eyes. Her curiosity and the way she shows honest interest for what you're talking about... I'm gonna miss that deeply and will never replace her... ever: "Hearts that intertwine, we lived in a different kind of world."

Darlings, take care of yourselves and never cease the hunger for evolution! Fight everyday to become better human beings and to make a difference. And please, please, please, do not forget me.

"You have a special quality

You're bringing out the very best in me

You have a special quality, you are

Pulling me closer to you..."

[Soundtrack: "Nothing Fails, Love Profusion, Your Honesty, Forbidden Love" and "Get Together" by Madonna. (Of course!)]

Get Together

On Saturday, after a rain that seemed to be sweeping the whole town and a lonesome kind-of-depressing pizza I decided I should go out. And I went to Opera [of course].

Due to the rain and a concert that was happening on the other side of the town, the club was kinda empty, which was kinda good, cause I danced my ass off ALL OVER the dancefloor!!! Lol, okay, I'm overreacting, I danced my way and in my space like always... [Yeah, right!] Funny thing was that two guys came on to me and I dumped both, very politely and ladylike, ok ho!

Then later, after the drag-queen [yuk] show I spotted a cute guy and went to the dancefloor to do my "average dance routine" in front of him, and guess what was playing!! GET TOGETHER!!! Was I happy? Sure!! So an emo went to the guy I was wanting but he backed him off so that was my chance. I approached him and asked if he was alone and he said "yeah"! So when I looked straight at his face it hit me: "Oh my G-d!! It's the cute guy from three weeks ago!! The impressive instant one!!!" What were the odds? I mean... twas my last Saturday in town and I met HIM!!!

This time I asked his name, Thiago, and again asked what should we do [casting my silly-sexy looks]; he led me to another corner from the dancefloor and kissed me. And it was.......... not good. It felt awkward, out of place and not focused. He stopped and I asked what was wrong [asking, always asking!]. He muttered some words I could not get and took me back to the backyard [the club is like a house]. There again he kissed me and there again it did not fit. Uhg, where was the impressive instant? I was already kicking myself for idealizing things again when he looked around as if watching our backs, stared at me and said "okay, now it'll work!"

Well, Lucas trusted and... bang!! His drum crushed me!! No, his kiss dazed me! I was suddenly breathless and more than excited. His arms laced my waist as mine would lace his neck. We fit perfectly and oh G-d he was intense! Then he started touching me and saying I was hot [which was very ego pleasing by the way... LOL!!] until he started to dare more. His hands would find his way into my pants and I got a bit scared for we weren't exactly alone in the place... but you know what? Fuck it! I went with the flow!

So, the energy was so hot and so intense that I broke my rule and we went into the dark-room. There he dared even more... he went down on me and... well, yeah! But before that a guy... nah, a fairy-queene broke into the room [which was empty except for us], looked fiercely at us and went away. I laughed and felt somewhat ashamed... I realized I like privacy a lot.

After we "finished" we went out and sat at a bench. I told him I was going away on Monday and he said he was trully sorry because he absolutely wanted to meet me again. I felt very fuzzy inside and also wanted to meet him again, he was definitely a gas. So, he tried to take a pic of me with his phone [my hair was dreadful so I didn't let him and the light, thankfully, didn't help] and I decided to give him my number. When I took his cell to give it to him the fairy-queene appears again. And with his very affected voice he called Thiago. Thiago told him to come to us but then he yelled at him telling him to go there. I started to laugh inside and he went.

The fairy-queene then screamed "will you come to say goodbye to your BOYFRIEND?!" And looked bitterly at me... and I laughed, this time outside. Thiago said something and came to me. The thing is, that emo guy who Thiago dumped earlier during Get Together was the same emo from that earlier week, who happened to be his boyfriend. Right before he, the fairy-queene, come and make such scene, he was telling me that their relationship was over due to the emo's jealousy and insecurity [this last one added by me], so I didn't feel any used or weird or whatever to learn that the emo was still attached to him.

I actually found all that really funny. I hate people who don't have the guts to do things their own and tell friends to do for them. The two guys I dumped earlier never came directly to me, always asked the queeny talkative friend to ask my name and number. So the emo ex didn't get my respect at all, even if tonight he looked a bit cuter. When Thiago came closer to me I was still typing my name in his phone; the queene came with him and very bitchy asked me if I had two cellulars. I, very politely again, looked at him with the most cynical of eyes and answered "no, just one" and smiled, of course. I finished typing and handed Thiago his phone, but the primadona took it from my hand. I, smelling trouble, got up said "good night folks" but before I leave I went to Thiago and kissed him at the cheek with the brightest of grins and left.

With a huge afterglow I said goodbye to the hot bartender and paid my bill. As I walked home the bitchy-queene and the emo left the club too. Okay, I admit I was afraid they'd come after me. Not afraid of having my ass kicked by two fags, but the whole confusion itself... I wouldn't lower myself that way. I watched my back and the bitchy yelled "and you better not look at me!" I, well, laughed my ass off and went home very gleeful and excited. It was THE night.

-----------------------

Last night, Sunday, I went to this pub I love as some sort of goodbye party. Most of my friends were there: Nathalia, Juliana, Filipe, Marilia and her fiancé, and Fernanda. Cintia, Nadia and Mariane [I don't remember exactly her name] passed by to wish me good trip and luck.

I had my favorite drinks [Tequila, Marguerita and Vodka] and felt sad when Fer started to cry. I, however, didn't cry. Actually I dried up, I wasn't feeling marvelous but I could neither show any emotion. I still can't say if it was because of the alcohol or simply because I'm very decided about what I'm doing... or maybe I'm just becoming insensitive.

[Song: Erotica/You Thrill Me - Madonna]

Back to the start...

During my trip back to Marilia, my father and I started an argument about promiscuity in the homossexual world. His arguments convinced me and even though I don't judge that lyfe-style and sometimes wish it, I fell into a melancholy I could not exactly explain even to myself. I want romance.
To see Pride and Prejudice reassured on me that feeling. I want to share feelings in a deeper level than club-hunting or mall flirting; all this making out has been draining out my energy, especially because when I'm not having it I crave for it. Is one supposed to be enslaved by shallow and quick sensations? It probably depends on what one wants and I honestly want more, I want to go deeper and deeper, find a like-minded companion and have loads of intellectual intercourse.
Knowing how picky I am, I know I'll have to be patient until I find someone worth-exchanging... or someone in his teen years... ohh boy, Lucas gotta change!! Lol!!
By the way, due to this new romance-craving era I'm addicted to a new song: It's called Pra Ser Sincero by Brazillian [genius] singer/songwriter Marisa Monte. It's a sweet girly ballad about guess what... heartache!!! Here're the lyrics:
Eu era tão feliz
E não sabia, amor
Fiz tudo o que eu quis
Confesso a minha dor
E era tão real
Que eu só fazia fantasia
E não fazia mal
E agora é tanto amor
Me abrace como foi
Te adoro e você vem comigo
Aonde quer que eu voe

E o que passou, calou
E o que virá, dirá
E só ao seu lado, seu telhado
Me faz feliz de novo
O tempo vai passar
E tudo vai entrar no jeito certo de nós dois
As coisas são assim
E se será, será
Pra ser sincero, meu remédio é te amar, te amar
Não pense, por favor
Que eu não sei dizer
Que é amor tudo o que eu sinto longe de você
[Song: Pra Ser Sincero - Marisa Monte]

"I don't want to stay here...

... I want to go back to Bahia."

Well, I'm back home and I already miss Bahia, nah... Salvador (SSA). My plans to move back to SSA next year became stronger when my dad threw me a proposal: I should stop my course here, go back to Vitória da Conquista and study hard to get a college spot in Salvador. I said yes of course.

I'm sure I'll miss my friends here, but to move to Salvador is something I feel I must to do to grow up. I think that Marilia have already given me everything I needed in what it comes to maturity, since in the way I relate to people, but especially in the way I relate with myself. Marilia helped me to embrace my sexuality and to accept the fact that assume it to myself isn't the same of going public on it. I know things happen when they're supposed to. But you see, lately, to be in Marilia isn't the same of learning anymore and I miss that feeling. I know we learn all the time with every little thing in our lives, but I don't feel it in here anymore. I crave for new, I crave for more, more than what I've been getting here.

Uhg, I'll miss this town and the freedom I have here. I'll miss its ridiculously gorgeous and beyond hot men. I'll miss its proximity to my sanctuary, São Paulo. But I feel that in Bahia now I'll get more of what I really want: culture.

[Song: The Man That Got Away - Judy Garland]

Last Post

Lol... that sounded like I'm going to die or worst, I'll go to surgery and they'll cut off my hands and I'll never be able to type again. But it's none of that!! I'm going on holidays in Bahia and I hope to get really relaxed, chilled, happy and laid!! It means that I'll be a while without posting, since I'll have no computer there to do so.

I'm leaving Marilia with a certain charge of bad energy from someone that turned out to be a burden in my evolution. LOL!! That was a BIT drama-queened but the thing is, every time that motherfucker comes into my life I feel angry, hurt and mostly disappointed with myself for feeling like that!!

But you know, FUCK IT!! Craps come to our lives for us to work on them and to then evolve. He and all the anger he brings are just obstacles I have to go through and I will!! Since I'm a very good human being I'll rely on next semester to do everything I didn't do, but was supposed to, on the 1st. Hehehehe...

[Song: Breathe Me - Sia]

Je Suis Un Vampire

I shouldn't be all alarmed about this but I've realized I'm still the kind of person who has no decent personal (aka sex) life and live from the other's!! \o/ yaaaaay... how marvelous!!!

Here I am in front of my computer in a shiny, bright and dull holiday in Marilia when I should be reading something for school, or out bathing myself with the light. In addition all that makes me wanna leave the house is the perspective of going to the front supermarket and getting the highest fat chocolate ice cream I can find!!! \o/ Unfortunatelly my dad doesn't have money to give me. u_u

So, since I don't have "personal" life I live from my friends'!! Last night I went out to celebrate my driver license that I finally got!!! Nathalia, Juliana and Filipe went with me and it was a cute night. I fell in love with the waiter and came everytime he passed us by. But all very stupidly discreet and only Nathalia was aware. u_u

Then today, as I enjoyed my boredom Nathalia logs on the MSN and OH MY G-D!!! She started braging about what happened in the party she went after she left us last night. This thin but hot guy took her from the waistline, threw her against the wall and gave her this motherfucking hot kiss!! And they hooked up the whole night and made out and uhg... I had orgasms as she told!!! Especially on the part she said she had her hand into his pockets ALL THE TIME"!!!! Ö

That's why I came to the conclusion that the highlights of my life are the highlights of my friends' lives!!! \o/ Yaaaaaay...

Is my life lame?
Yeaaaah!!!
Am I desperate about it?
Noooooooooooo!!!! \o/

*no sarchasm this time*

[Song: Papa T'es Plus Dans L'coup - Ludivine Sagnier]