Friday, April 28, 2006

Random thoughts: From loneliness to disappointment...

"I've been so high
I've been so down
Up to the skies
Down to the ground

I was so blind
I could not see
Your paradise
Is not for me"

... Last night as I watched this beautiful Grey's Anatomy episode about loneliness, I could not help feeling the same way a bit. Not that I'm a social freak who doesn't have any friends and stuff, or is desperatelly seeking for a lover. But even though I enjoy my freedom and independence, I do miss someone to watch TV with me sometimes... I'll call an exorcist!!!!!!

(...) I got screwed up on French exam yesterday. I'm so fucking pissed!! How could I forget 2rd person from plural is êtes (être = to be) and 3rd person from plural is ont (avoir = to have)!

(...) I miss my latin ho Jose, my Canadian bitch Janine, my crazy-beautiful American Alais, my goofy angel Juliana, my boring charming Filipe and a certain friendship that probably will never be the same again...

I wanna call!! But I must play hard!

(...) I hate bills!!!

(...) I miss throwing my arms to the air and dancing like a crazy bitch...

This week I downloaded Jewel's forthcoming album, Goodbye Alice In Wonderland, and never been so disappointed with an idol. It's pure repetitive boring crap, but I've talked about it so much this week that I'm starting to become her.

Why do I feel this way? I'm bored and unsatisfied with everything. Maybe that's good... But the only thing that moves me lately is someone that I don't know.

[Song: Paradise (Not For Me) - Madonna]

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Miracle? Maybe yeah...

There is something I learned with a certain someone I really care about (and I ended up hurting - uhg, sometimes I can't help being a big fat cliché bitch!): if you have something good to say, say it. However, how am I supposed to know if it's good or not?

So, in a week I was prone to walk towards my own miracles I find myself wrapped up in a mess I built myself: too much college stuff to do and too little time to. So my blood was substituted by Red Bull and in 5 days I had slept only 6 hours!!! \o/ yeeeey... greatest part: there was a big rave party that started on Thursday and ended yesterday; I was so excited about it, but on the previous day I was so tired I couldn't even see another can of Red Bull, that I wanted to faint. In conclusion: how do you find miracles in such scenario? Ask Mariah Carey.

There I was fusing my head with Massoud Moisés and Antonio Candido's thoughts about Brazillian and Portuguese Literature when out of nowhere I feel this urge to listen to Shake It Off, and I HATE that song. But instead of bitching about it I asked for it for the one person I knew that had, that's how everything started.

In the end of last night I was sure the hurt was somewhat gone and the power of good-bye was stronger than any regret or bitterness. He was so sweet as always and as I listened to Annie's (she my new favorite bitch) No Easy Love I could not help feeling good to all that was happening.

And now I think: was that my miracle of the week? Who knows... maybe yes, but one thing I'm sure: it feels great to overcome ego.

[Song: Heartbeat - Annie]

Monday, April 17, 2006

What the heck is Easter anyways?

Here's the post to tell about my last big fat Christian holiday that I don't even remember what celebrates.

On Saturday, after a HUGE fight with my father I went out to meet my friends in a cheap bar nearby. I was all gloomy and distant due to the recent argument that I sheltered myself away and not even for booze I was willing and/or able to cheer up. But one of the things I remember had talked about was the reason of Easter. We all agreed it was Jesus' resurrection after three (?) days of tragic death. But in the end we got all confused if he died on a Friday or whatever, so I came to the conclusion that we all got so lost into the "Capitalist" mood of chocolate eggs and cod that we didn't even know what the fuck we were really celebrating. My bitterness and I just mubled a "who cares, I'm not a Christian anyway" and turned away trying to get courage to get up and leave.

But now (5:30am of a chilly Monday) as I write about all this, I hear something telling me that Easter is a holiday of renewal. So when I had the big fight with my father two days ago, I ended up knowing a lot about his feelings over the last six years, especially about my mom, and infos about her I had no idea about. When my parents split up it was fact that my father still liked my mother, but there was no reciprocity; but during the last six years I lost count of the times my mom complained about her ex-husband by saying the words “you must know who trully is your father”, while he never said a word about what he was thinking of her, and when he did it was always in a praising manner. But, inspite of being a growing drama-queen teenager I never really made big deal of all their craps and rarely transmited them to my life as most of these soap opera oriented kids do nowadays.

But to know my father’s point of view of the whole story put me in a crossroad: I’m glad to be aware of everything and at the same time I’m not, for the news brought along a lot of concept changings. Now I don't anymore see my mother’s pathology (she’s bipolar) as something I should be all alarmed about, since it’s became a comfortable excuse for certain schemes. Of course I don’t hate my mom, but to know she’s not all immaculate in the tale is somewhat disturbing. And to know my father’s view should somehow increase my admiration for him, but my fatal attraction for soap opera dramas (yes, I’m also one of those kids!) has let me in an inner mess that mixes sexism-dread with fear of igniting my mom’s bomb over me (one more time). My (maybe twisted) Easter conception now gives me the certainty that a lot of changes will come and a lot of my behavior before my mother and the things she says must be renewed.

While I argued with my father I remember saying the words: “wash your mouth before you talk about my mother!” Yesterday (Sunday), I finally watched genius Scorcese’s Taxi Driver. And in the end of the movie this psychopath becomes the hero of a city (New York City, of course!). Saving the right proportions, I feel like I’ve for several moments branded my mom as a hero when her words should be firstly be coldly analyzed. But in the quality of son, would I ever really be able to do so?

But in the end, I’m okay. I sincerely have more urgent dramas to be worried about. Here’s a transcription of an email I sent to my ho few minutes ago that goes about my current big drama:

Anyways ho, here I am at 10 before 5 (am) maintaining myself awake for I week that will be very long since I'll have VERY little time for sleep. Thankfully it ends on Thursday!! Here's my drama: I have this HUGE essay for Wednesday, in which I should be working on since early March. But assuming myself as a fat ass lazy brazillian bitch I let it all for the last minute, so here I am in the first of my sleepless nights. To do the paper I had to read two books, but I read only one till now and must read the other as quickly as who knows... and also had to do my part of the paper until last Thrusday, but as I hadn't read all the books, I got the responsability to organize and type the shit. As great 2000's poet and philosopher, Paris Hilton, would say: I'M SCREWED! And if you don't believe me, I still have to find time to study to a long and scary Brit Literature exam on Tuesday, and Educational Psychology on Thursday (when my via crusis ends!). However, I only have myself to blame for this craziness.
Other interesting and important facts about my holiday:

  • I'm using crappy dialed internet while the cocksucker people don't come to install my cable connection;
  • I watched this genius modern-Naturalist Brazillian movie called Lower City. It's a love triangle between two friends and a whore, but despite of the cliché it amazingly shows the suburbia life of my natal town Salvador, in Bahia;
  • Once again I was reassured of the fact I can never discuss Cinema with my friends. When I told them about "Lower City" and its geniusness we fell in a retrospective of Brazillian filmmaking in the last years. As I heard their very inteligent and vivacious notes about certain movies, like Behind The Sun, I finally assumed (to myself) as a film-snob;
  • Then, my snobbery and part of my bitterness made me curse some motherfuckers who slandered Lindsay Lohan's potential and talent as an actress;
  • My Kylie fever hasn't gone and I was really happen to learn she's in a real good shape as I saw her latest pics;
  • And my RBD fever came back!

..............errrm, That's all folks!

[Song: Screwed - Paris Hilton]

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Things that upset me the most...

1 - Be internet-less when I most need it (and I always need it).

2 - Realize I still have feelings over people I should be over a long time ago.

3 - Realize I have crushes on motherfucking blond, hot, cute, BUT straight men (ohhh he's soo delicious, thank G-d I hardly see him).

4 - Have crushes on motherfucking hot, clever, straigh men that I see everyday.

5 - Be horny and not being as sassy, hot and brave as Samantha Jones.

6 - Anticipate imported DVDs that were supposed to arrive 5 days ago.

7 - Be lazy when I can't be and feel proactive when I should be lazy.

8 - Be a pennyless poet. (Lol, my gayness could not let me miss a Moulin Rouge mention.)

9 - Have boring classes when I wanted to be having sweet music* (Uhh... now a Kylie mention!)

10 - Be too chicken-shit to call him...

*sweet music = sex.

[Song: Sweet Music - Kylie Minogue]

[Quit Session: And we can get/ Crazy like that/ Feel it like that/ Move it like that/ Drop it like that/ Rocking the track/ I'm looking for that new sensation// Woo-hoo, I think we're onto something/ Your taste it mirrors mine/ So hot and in the moment/ Let's beat this demo right/ Or I might just lose it/ When we make sweet music]

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Brokeback Mountain

Today I finally watched Brokeback Mountain (BBM). And to my (non) surprise: I didn't like it that much!

Okay, the film is beautiful, sensitive and unpretentious. Ang Lee would've made an average love story movie if it weren't about gay cowboys. As my friend Le Ho said, if they were a boy and a girl BBM would be a mexican soap opera. Alright, shall I not be so bitter and say the good points of it first: Michelle Williams!!! I've always loved her since Dawson's Creek, but in BBM she was just genius! He made me like her more than the main characters. Same goes for Anne Hathaway that despite of appearing just to show her tits and bad dying was delicious as a clever and bright business womam former cowgirl. I also liked Heath Ledger! I mean, who'd say that 10 Things I Hate About You charming delinquent could actually act? I also liked the fact that we never feel like Lee is trying to make a gay or any kind of statement during the film.

That leads to main reason I didn't like the movie so much. I'm sorry but I got entangled in the whole gay icon crap that the movie (unintentionally) became!! As I said above, Ang Lee never said he was going to do a gay movie and suddenly the whole gay comunity was all fuzzy about it. Is Brokeback Mountain a controversial movie? Yes! Especially because Hollywood and society want us gays to be quiet in our closets listening to Madonna and Kylie Minogue, transforming sleezy straights into metrossexual blokes and being crazy and funny in Will And Grace! People can't just accept the fact that there are non-stereotype homossexuals, neither that a movie about them can be done. BUT, that was never what Ang Lee and his work were trying to say. In any moment you see "gay" or "queer" people there, you see two men that feel (sexual) attraction and end up falling in love with each other. But still the whole world spoiled it (at least to me) with stupid statements and ideals the movie never tried to endorse.

Other reasons that made me not love it: 1 - what a boring cinematography!!! After 30 minutes of movie I swore that if I saw any other sheep, I'd leave the room (si, yo soy a big fat drama queen)!! 2 - Jake Gyllenhal, all he did was stand there and be cute (as always), and his moustache freaked me out. 3 (to finish my whining): WHERE IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING WORLD THAT SCORE WAS BETTER THAN GEISHA'S?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean, who actually paid attention to that score?! I just remembered it got an Oscar when the movie was over and I was thinking about the awards it got. Williams was soooo robbed!!

[Song: Dangerous Game - Kylie Minogue... I just can't get it out of my head! (yay!! I'm corny)]