Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Bitchy Talk

As you know I moved. As you know I was PCless. As you know I still have no decent internet connection. Due to those reasons it was pratically impossible for me to edit and post February's Bitchy Talk with Gabriel. But better late than never and here we are. The interview was done in late January so there are some anachronisms, but anachronisms are soooo fun, enjoy!
“Just a fucked up girl looking for her own peace of mind”, Gabriel quotes Kate Winslet’s character on 2004 Michel Gondry’s motion picture Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind to describe himself. 2006 was a turning point for him because many things happened on the sentimental area and he managed to learn and evolve with them. I can’t say for sure when and how Gabriel and I became friends but what matters is that we are. We share the love for Madonna and some other similar tastes like Alanis Morissette and Björk, but Gabriel is more into the Indie side of music and life in general.
In his Like A Blogger blog he goes from the confessional to the pop cultural. He has a talent in manipulating song lyrics to say what he means at the moment. In 2007 Gabriel is meaning to clean the house, taking care of neglected aspects in the past year and trying not to repeat the same mistakes; after all, the “knowledge of the existence of a hole makes the ‘same’ path totally different”.
)( Lucas Bradshaw)( Times That I Was Thinking: drama is the basis of every human being’s life. What are you recent ones? Things you know that could be solved in a minute but part of you delays and complicates it.
_Gabriel: wow… how much time do we have? Haha. You know I tend to maximize all my problems. I’m super dramatic because sometimes it’s cool. But when the drama tires me I solve it at once. I finished some already, by the way, but I’d say my main ones now are my lack of money and time – that are actually lack of planning. Oh and relationships… uhg!
LB: oh nevermind relationships; it’s crappy for everyone!
_G: That’s comforting…
LB: but why do you think that being dramatic is cool? [This is no judgmental question.]
_G: I don’t know. I think that that way I feel and analyze the situation in an extreme way too. The fuck-what-do-I-do euphoria has helped me many times. Everyone knows that my only solid relationship is with hyperbole.
LB: hahaha… hyperbole rules! Exaggeration is part of human’s psyche and amen! Without it we wouldn’t have the Baroque, Marie Antoinette and Almodóvar pictures.
_G: exactly! And what would be of the world without them?
LB: anyway, I meant to start with this but it slipped from my mind: what are you listening?
_G: when we started it was All Is Full Of Love. Now it’s Army Of Me [Björk].

LB: ahhh… we’re synching and we didn’t even notice! That’s romantic.
_G: oh, that’s true! You’re listening to the same album. That’s cute indeed.
LB: what does Army Of Me bring upon you?
_G: actually nothing. It’s a beautiful song but it’s far from being my favorite Björk. I like to scream along etc, but…
LB: which’s your favorite Björk?
_G: Hyper-Ballad and JógaVenus As A Boy!
LB: Hyper-Ballad is mega dramatic! This thing of casting stuff from a cliff is beyond drama-queen.
_G: hahaha… see?! It’s a dramatic song indeed. I identify myself with her fascination about the noises of the falling objects. I used to do that as a kid on the neighbor’s roof… and I like the metaphor of living at the top of a mountain with a marvelous view, but it’s also a place you can fall from and die.
LB: do you consider yourself a bitchy person?
_G: define bitchy.
LB: lol! Uhh… it’s a person like… me! Fine, I’ll be more specific: bitchy are those who lose the friend but never miss the joke. That sarcasm is the basis of the dialogue.
_G: ahm, ah… I don’t think I’m bitchy then. I have my moments, but I’m not always sarcastic, not with everyone.
LB: do you complain a lot?
_G: it depends. I complain about life in general. Things are cool and there I am in drama mode but I know I’m exaggerating. I complain about things everyone does; something from work, a low grade etc.
LB: welcome to the club. That’s bitchy!
_G: is it really?
LB: that’s the difference between bitchy and annoying. Bitchy has the conscience that good part of the drama springs from exaggeration and knows that there’s a moment that normal mode must be on. Annoying people are just annoying!
_G: hahahahaha… get it! But I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks I’m annoying – not bitchy.
LB: those are annoying people who don’t get bitchy! What’s your film obsession at the moment?
_G: re-watching some movies. I work at a video place and I clearly see how the productions tend to be repetitive and bad. I can talk about any film to a costumer; even if I haven’t seen it. Explain the end of a film I didn’t see as well. That’s why I got into this phase of re-watching my favorite movies. I guess that holidays have much to do with it too. A lot of crap is produced nowadays, that’s disappointing.
LB: hmm… maybe you haven’t looked out properly. In fact the mainstream has nothing worth watching.
_G: that’s why I firstly explained that I work at a video place. Only the mainstream comes to my hand, and they’re awful!
LB: the only decent popcorn movies from last year were Prada and Cassino Royale. And uhg… those humanized animals animations, who can put up with them?! Only Happy Feet was good.
_G: who wants to see Bruce Willis saving the world again? And Morgan Freeman being the lead’s neighbor or grandfather?
LB: argh! I hate Morgan Freeman! And he’s so good! Or is he really? I mean, all his characters are the same.
_G: yes he’s a great actor. I shiver just thinking of him in Driving Miss Daisy. But now he does appearances in 1200 movies and all of the 1200 movies suck. He turned out to be very repetitive.
LB: he’s omnipresent like Cate Blanchett. I know you don’t care about award season, but the Academy’s nominations were out today. Did you see the list?
_G: I was on my lunchtime when I heard the names Scarlett Johanson and Kate Winslet on TV and thought of an accident with both; then I realized it was the Academy’s nods but didn’t care to know them.
LB: shame on you Gabriel! But anyway, the lists for best actress is: Helen Mirren [The Queen], Meryl [Prada], Penelope [Volver], Winslet [Little Children] and Judi Dench [Notes On A Scandal]. Which of these have you seen or is dying to see?
_G: I saw Prada and Volver, but truth be told I never even heard of the other ones. By name I can’t even say who Helen Mirren is; I stopped caring about the Academy a while ago. Go ahead Lucas, boo me.
LB: hahahaha… in fact the Academy lost some of its credibility; but there’s a whole process until the Oscars. A film doesn’t win the Oscar just because the Academy thought it pretty. It has a long critical and audience way to go. Now shall we talk about someone that is truly you obsession, Alanis Morissette. How did you meet her?
_G: Hands Clean. I found the song cute and the video very original. When I bought and heard the album I thought it as one of the most genius things ever done.
LB: until you heard Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie.
_G: the lyrics are amazing and I loved all the arrangements. The cover reminded me of The Beatles - a great reference. Then a used records store was open next to my house, where I bought the previous two. And I simply died. I really do think her poetry one of the best; they have all to be with me. I think Alanis is a beautiful example that you can change whenever you want, be mad and lucid at the same time.
LB: I agree! For a long time I’ve been at the same stage of her lyrics… they were things I longed to say, I longed to do. If my life were a musical it’d have many songs by Morissette. Nowadays I identify myself more with her style than the messages. I absolutely love how she stuffs a verse with million words. Joining You and I Was Hoping are G-d.
_G: I know! I was 12 when I first heard these songs and they were things that didn’t rhyme nor have choruses. Kind of revolutionary for a friendless skinny boy like me, so bored of seeing Backstreet Boys’ posters on the newsstands.
LB: what about Madonna?

_G: with Madonna it was sort of a political curiosity, can you believe it? Actually I had the Music album but never cared much about it; but later American Life was available on the web and I fell in love with it. It was all I listened to for a great while. In short I bought everything concerned to her that interested me.
LB: wow, it took me a while for me to accomplish that. And still I don’t have certain things like, Evita’s soundtrack or the You Can Dance [YCD] compilation.
_G: oh no Lucas, I don’t care about those! I hate Evita, and the YCD’s remixes are too 80’s.
LB: oh you don’t like the 80’s, I understand; actually I don’t, but I learned to respect that. But wow, Evita is amazing!
_G: it bores me; the story doesn’t fascinate me, it’s a slow movie… looks like an endless music video.
LB: okay, let’s cut the Madonna off, before we start drooling. What are your greatest dreams?
_G: at the moment I study journalism but I’d like to be a writer. It’s even a kind of cliché “oh, didn’t make it as a writer, be a journalist,” but I’d really like to be one. My grandpa’s a writer and I admire him a lot; his books are praised in the field, but I don’t think of underground literature for a second. I want to write good books, that would sell well and I could support myself with them. I guess this is my greatest and most impossible one; I’ll probably end up writing obituaries with euphemisms.
LB: lol… self-depreciation = bitchy! You noticed how I wanna drag everyone to the club right!
_G: oh yes!! *fear*
LB: anyways, journalism has a lot to do with writing. After all it’s a career of reading and writing. Now Gabs, I’d like you to pick an image or two that you would relate to yourself in the moment and tell me why you chose them.
_G: can I make it three?
LB: sure!
_G: the first is a painting by René Magritte called The Empire Of Lights [on the top], that makes me shudder; it’s a house reflected by the water. It’s a surrealist piece and I was sat in a bookstore with this heavy book trying to see the surrealism in it, and when I noticed it I had tears on my eyes.
_G: recently I found an image from my favorite scene from Eternal Sunshine: when Joel and Clementine are under the sheets and she asks him if he thinks she’s ugly, it’s her best monologue in the film.
_G: the third is a picture from Madonna/Steven Klein’s 2004 collaboration, X-Static Process. To be more specific it’s a page from The Re-Invention Tour’s tourbook where there’s half of her body [red corset/red string/name of G-d] and another is just her face and the drawing of her eye is the head of stencil bird. That’s so beautiful, it was my wallpaper for a long time.

LB: okay, but why did this touched you so deeply? Try to rationalize the feeling.
_G: I’m not sure, I thought that bird so sensible sided by that corset, that gives a strange notion of movement; the arms with the veins. I think that shoot was a kind of underground; it was aesthetic but also very conceptual. I had that image on my notebook beside a Lennon picture.
LB: interesting combo!


... I said I wasn't gonna do it, but fuck it whatever!!
[Song: Ray Of Light - Madonna]

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Lucas Is Fucked Up

No... no rut complaining, no boys complaining, no money complaining, no boredom complaining. It's just that I got this horrible sundden cold and besides fever my whole body feels like shit. But shall we trust on the pharmaceutical industry to make me feel better tomorrow.
[Song: History - Madonna]

Friday, March 23, 2007

Taurus Top 5

We're on the month of Aries. I don't have to say it's my favorite month because I happen to be an Aries, so I won't discourse much on it.
In Kabbalah it's said that the first twelve days of Aries are like preambles for all the other months of the year; it's like they're the first fields where we'll settle our battles, like the recognition of territory. Kabbalist Isaac Luria created a guide to the first twelve days of Aries, each day corresponding to a sign from the zodiac. Yesterday, the 22nd, was Taurus day and we were supposed to “avoid being comfortable” by “listening to others, embracing discomfort, actively sharing with others, avoiding complacency.” My soundtrack for such a day [that started with a stressing walk to the bank and was adorned by a sleepy class and internet troubles] might not have much to do with the essence of Taurus day, but these songs helped get through the day by sometimes reconnecting me to the good part of things, in other words, the Light.
5. “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” by Judy Garland
I closed the day with a screening of one of my favorite musicals, Meet Me In St. Louis. This lullaby-esque holiday song has a so obvious sorrowful tone that it often hides the sweet optimism contained in the lines. The marvelous and magically beautiful Judy Garland, as Miss Esther Smith, sing about living the moment and enjoying the happiness of Christmas, forgetting the troubles of life that will surely melt away in the future.
4. “Peach Trees” by Rufus Wainwright
It’s amazing how this song sounds fresh to me even when I’ve listened to it a million times. Wainwright performs it with an ailment and emotion that the sad lyrics become somewhat soothing after a while. It’s a song that not only grows on you but also grows itself, feeling like a giant wave that is to crash on a shore of resignation. The lines “’cause I’m so tired of waiting in restaurants/reading the critics and comics alone” [that happen to be some of my favorite lines ever written] ends in a delusional and magic meeting with James Dean. For a stressed and heartbroken person they bring nothing but hope.
3. “Like A Virgin” by Madonna
What’s to say about a song that goes: “I was beat, incomplete/I’d been had/I was sad and blue/but you made me feel/yeah you made me feel shiny and new/like a virgin/touched for the very first time”? I guess it’s enough said.
2. “Vibrate” by Rufus Wainwright
“My phone’s on vibrate for you”. Waiting, anticipation, suspense. These things alone are enough to make an Aries stressed, not because of others but because we still wait. If you read my latest posts you’ll notice my mind and heart have been waiting for the next best thing to happen. I know I should not expect the Universe to always give me what I wish - I’m working on that – but this song translates a lot of this kind of depressing feeling that has been hanging on me for a while. The Britney Spears mention in the lyrics is very witty and I’m sure the melody is inspired, if not totally sampled, by Bach.
1. “On The Radio” by Regina Spektor
This song goes about human behavior, of how we live our days trying to make it right, connecting one fact or thrill to the other - sometimes losing ourselves in the process – but always companied by memory. On Aries day [the 21st] we were supposed to “remember the past to avoid repeating mistakes” and though in the rapid pace and careless life of ours we do repeat craps we are always aware of them. Spektor’s song juxtaposes actions getting a kind of stream of consciousness/life rhythm: “no, this is how it works/you pear inside yourself/you take the things you like/and try to love the things you took/and then you take that love you made/and stick it into some/someone else’s heart/pumping someone else’s blood/and walking arm in arm/you hope it don’t get harmed/but even if it does/you’d just do it all again.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Fellas That Were In The Mood

Just a quickie to express the beginning of a quirky sadness. Alais is moving out to Rio on the 30th. Salvador surely will be less fun!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Being Blasé

I think my gaydar is broken.
Last weekend I was having drinks with my folks at this cool café and I [thought I] got flirtted by this cute British guy - Daniel. We talked and I gave him my number and email, and he invited me to go to the inn he was staying in the morrow because Caetano Veloso was going to be there. I was happy with the possibility of getting a hook-up, but it was the possibility of knowing Caetano in person that got me all excited about. On the following night we [Alais, Chasha - Alias's roomate - Nina and I] went to the inn and we met Mr. Veloso [I DIED!!]; afterwards we went to this cool place called Borracharia ["tire place" in Portuguese] to dance and make some scene. There I learned from Alais that Daniel wasn't gay.
Lucas 0 x 1 Cold Mean Universe.
Saturday I finally went to the party I was anticipating for a whole month: the Nave [Portuguese for ship]. Ha, it was marvelous! I caused a lot, danced like crazy and when the darling DJ played Hung Up I jumped on the stage with Alais and danced even more. Before it we got to dance with this group of unknowns [by me] and among them there was this cute thing; he was so pretty and danced so cooly I could not take my eyes of him. Afterwards Alais, me and him were dancing to this awesome rock beat and he said something in her ear, right after she formally introduced us. I glowed. But later, when I told her my interst for him she told he was not gay.
Lucas 0 x 2 Cold Mean Bitchy Motherfucker Son-Of-A-Bitch Cocksucker Universe.
I am confused. I know Universe is not to be blamed, the needy feeling this rut brings [aka ego] is the real fucker; so you know what, I decided to be blasé. I'm gradually de-crushing from Éder but this want of a guy beside me has been tripping me up; it's like I'm looking for a substitute to receive these feelings that got interrupted to flow. Therefore, in an attempt to stop confusion I'll occupy my head with other things, flirt the less possible and forget men. Men suck! I'll be asexual at least in the meantime I organize my life.
[Song: Move - Dreamgirls]

Friday, March 16, 2007

Romantically Lame

“If I kiss you where it’s sore? Will you feel better? Will you feel nothing at all?”

Funny, the other day I found a text I wrote more or less a year ago. It’s called “Drunk” in which I say about getting drunk to ease the pain. I loved coming across it because it’s a proof of my rut: I realized that from late Feb to March I get into a needy bitterness that is often triggered by heartbreak.

Back then I taped myself to a more dramatic soundtrack, read: Kylie’s Put Yourself In My Place and Drunk. This time I have extremes, both hurt of course but one is a bit romantically lame while the other is more moving on-ish.

Lame things first. Regina Spektor’s Better has been into my mind ever since I went back to Conquista to get the rest of my stuff. The quotation on the first paragraph is from it and this song has a little story. As you know January was a marvelous month for me; in one of my sunset viewings with The Cigarette Club I [now] remember starting to feel the sentiments I’m today willing to leave behind. Everybody [but Bel] was there; Eder was there. It was a lovely dusk with beautiful scenery, cute reencounters, cigarettes and flirtatious smiles. In Diego’s car Regina Spektor’s Fidelity started to play and I offered my CD that contained the Begin To Hope album [which was never returned till this date]; and there she was swaying one of the prettiest sunsets I’ve seen so far while certain things had their commencements.

The other song is Cardigans’ Erase/Rewind, which I posted about already. “Better” is romantic/lame [in a good way, I must point out] because it’s my masochism wanting to hold things that are probably expired. Although it’s not so simple to erase and rewind [I’d say it’s impossible without the help of Miss Alzheimer and Miss Lobotomy], Dido already testified that “it’s high time you left it there.” So I sing “Erase/Rewind” to try to wake up the strong independent Samantha Jones in me who just shakes the crap off and moves the line on. But instead, I think I can’t have him kissing where it’s sore, so I daydream and feed ego.

If in the end I decide to waste time and compare the situations [this and last year’s heartbreaks], I could say that last year I was in way better position. Because at least back then I was drunk. Note to self: buy booze Lucas.

[Song: Better – Regina Spektor]
[Song 2: Erase/Rewind – The Cardigans]

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Mem Kuf Hey

"Esta semana encontramos a força emocional para se erguer depois do tropeço, para se levantar depois da queda, e para agüentar quando o caminho parecer insuportável."
As the hours to get the bus approached I could not help feeling this little anguish inside. Yesterday I had to come back to Conquista in order to fetch the rest of my stuff, my computer and my new TV; dad and I are travelling back tomorrow in the morning by car.
In my heart I was feeling this weight, this weird sensation of stumbling and going back to things I wish to let go. But, do I really? Everyone who knows me knows I am reasonable when it comes to facing [for real] the dramas; of course I do my scene I just can't help living a cinematic life but when time comes to face the facts I'm an iceberg. So now in my usual egocentric ramblings I wonder if things didn't let go because they simply can't right now or because I don't want them to. Being utterly honest: I still have hopes; which makes me even more pathetic and hopeless.
Madonna [kind of] said once about her 2003 X-Static Process song [from the American Life album]: "This song is about Jesus; about how we give men too much power; including Jesus. The more power we give to men the more fucked up we get [because we tend to lose ability to trust ourselves in order to worshiping an outside male figure]." I've come to terms that I gave too much power to this guy, placing him in such a high place on my standards. The problem now is not the guy himself being there, it's the things and sentiments he represents in my mind becoming a pattern to all my relations. Not his fault at all ["you brought this on yourself and it's high time you left it there"]. However, all this makes me remember a post I wrote four months ago. In it I said I wouldn't erase anything ["there is no such thing as regret"], but now I take it back. Sometimes I wish I could partially lobotomize myself to at least forget all the patterns and high standards I've incorporated and carry on with a daydreamless life.
Zohar tells us this week to pick ourselves up, clean the dirt and walk on. Pisces is often a bitch to make us fall, but it's up to us to fight against depression and getting up. I brough this on myself and it's high time I left it there.
[Song: Slide - Dido]

Thursday, March 08, 2007


"Yes, I said it's fine before
I don't think so no more
I said it's fine before
I've changed my mind
I take it back

Erase and rewind
'cause I've been changing my mind
I've changed my mind"

[Song: Erase/Rewind - The Cardigans]

Monday, March 05, 2007

PCless Life Part Deux

You know, I had to do something with all the things bubbling under my mind during this time. I shopped wildly, which's been giving me my first real money troubles, I flirted wildly, which is never bad and I've smoked wildly, no comments about that.
So yesterday, after I had brunch with Alais we decided to watch a movie. We went to an art room nearby that were playing Notes On A Scandal with Judi Dench and Cate Blanchet. And I am telling you [I know hosie, corny] I never felt so excited by a movie in a long time! I loved Dreamgirls and Borat the other day, but while the first never touched me deeply enough the latter didn't feel much of a rooting movie and more like a political statement. "Notes" not only got me jumping on my seat that left jawdropped at many times; after it I felt so inspired about life and people. Once again I sound corny but I can't help feeling moved by movies that talk so judgement freely about human behavior [I'm not going to spoil it].
When I got home, I wrote. And better, I've been writing and I'm excited about it, which hasn't happened in a long time. While everything else kind of bores me, a spark inside me feels like doing something. Surely I should feel a bit more excited about school, but meh not yet. I keep having these ideas and turnpoints to the plot I'm developing. I still don't know exactly how and what it'll turn out, but the fact that I've been writing wildly even makes me consider staying more time in the house. In spite of the silence.
[Song: Get Together - Madonna]