8 Things

Soooo... I got tagged to this meme by J.D. from Joe's Movie Corner, which came in a good time because there are a few things from the last couple days that I wished to blog about, so... meh let's get it started at once.

THE RULES

1. All right, here are the rules.

2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.

3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

4. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

5. At the end of your blog, you need to name eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

THE THINGS

1. Yesterday [the 10th] was Red's birthday. I called him in the morning with my usual bitchy/sarcastic tone to wish him happiness, blablabla and ask him out for the night. He kinda played the blasé [at least he sounded as such], but I didn't blow on the wind of his ego flame this time. At night, Purki and I took him from his course and we headed to the café for a hang out. Thing is that I've seen him little ever since I got back here; he's been home mostly and refusing our going out calls, and I'm simply not insisting so much, because of self-protection and also for not "blowing on the wind".

But tonight as I looked at him across the table, I finally felt free. I realized that all the terrible feelings I nurtured towards him the last couple months were suddenly gone. I feel like I completed the seemingly impossible task of collecting myself back together. As I said, free.

2. The day before yesterday I told Purki to spend the next six months at my house in Salvador if the college thing didn't work out. So, confession time: I got a bit more excited than the normal with the idea. Cold shower: the college thing worked out. I'm happy for him, but it'd be cool to have him there for some months.

3. I had Ecstasy at the rave party I went last weekend. It was a quarter of it actually and the effect took hours to come because I had swallowed it, instead of sucking. It came and lasted less than an hour; I got oversensitized, saw the colors even brighter like fire and the music waves throbbed on my skin in a way I cannot describe. I won't lie, it felt amazing.

4. Ever since I got here I've been smoking less. I'm not allowed to smoke in the house and I'm too lazy to go out all the time to smoke, besides I'm avoiding smoking around dad so I don't have to listen to preaching.

5. I realized that day by day my bitterness is becoming a more honest thing. You see, before I used to pretend I was okay about something just not to hurt people; but that usually led me to bitterness and stress. Recently I realized that I'm letting clear what I find amusing or not, funny or not, interesting or not. Not that I'm a total bitch; just half one.

6. When I was a kid I used to be alone a lot, staging at-the-moment invented plays for invisible audiences. The plots were usually about romance, or some crazy and wild adventure with monsters, bullies and loads of magic. I was always very shy so nobody ever knew about my solitary diversions; but now that you know, can you see anything else for me than the artistic career, whether writing or acting?

7. I love the fact that I can be trully drama-queenish sometimes. I realized early in life that if you assume the wound and embrace it to the point of letting it hurt and bleed till its exhaustion, one moment you'll get used to it and it'll stop hurting.

I'm reading this book about a woman who, in a year, travels to Italy, India and Indonesia in the search for everything in life; in a certain chapter she describes the vipassana meditation in which you stay hours in the same position without moving, no matter how uncomfortable your body might get during the period.

The metaphor is that in life we are always jumping like monkeys, trying to run away from the uncomfortable and the pain; but we forget that every little thing in our lives happens for a reason and are there to be understood and pondered. By acknowledging the hurt and letting it be, instead of look for desperatre measures to cover it, we learn how to deal with it; better: we push our limits further.

8. I'm a really slow reader and hate that. But I guess it's just how I am so I'm through with trying to read faster. Whenever I try I get lost and understand nothing from what I've read.

And I tag:

Alea Toria Est

Desavergonhada

Like A Blogger

Misconcepciones De La Mente Humana

Rasgando As Vestes De Elena Bennet

Sem Papel

The Dark Girl's Rhyme

The Ho

[Song: Hyper-Ballad - Björk]

Soft Like Me

Hey, do you wanna be

And don't you wanna be

Soft like me?

The best part of flirting is when you are totally cool about it. You know, you flirt you make your passes but fuck it if anything happens. Most of the times, I'm like that; last night I was like that. But instead of flirting around I foccused my aim in one target only. That, my friends, is testifying defeat. Well, sometimes not, but mostly you lead yourself to disappointments and deceptions.

Now's the shocking part: I'm not like that!!! Okay, I won't lie I'm a bit excited to make things work; but mostly I'm alright! Last night in Conquista I simply drove around town with my friends in the [unsuccessful] search of a nice party. However we had an awesome time; I was joyous and soft, simply moving from one thing to another with the only disposition of hanging out. Comment Guy was there and let's be honest here guys, I was thrilled that he was. Suddenly you know what I've been talking about.

Am I entering a very dangerous zone? Oh hell yeah of course! I cannot deny the moody days after February; but I believe that now I'm cooler about it, since most of my fantasies were torn two months ago I can say my eyes are more open now. But yes, it's a path filled with ambiguity and blasé moods. Count me in!!!!

[Song: Soft Like Me - Saint Etienne]

Estilo Drunk

Well I'm drunk.

The coolest part of everything is that I've been leading the life I've wanted for long. Here I am in a city I adore, where there's so much to see and experience, so many places to go and to know . I've also got the luck of knowing a lot of cool people, people whom make these experiences even more worth while.

Tonight I went out with Nina and Monique; just hangout, talk and drink, what else do we need? I mean, I don't mean to do drunk bullshit here but seriously, life's so simple; we're generally so worried in making the most of it that we forget to make the most of it. We're often so worried in going to THE perfect party, knowing THE perfect guy that we simply overlook the really meaningful things. Lately I've put my alcoholic [in a non-patholigical way] mode on and have simply gone out to chat and have drinks. I must admit I kind of miss the hype parties, but I'm satisfied with the hanging-out style.

The girls and I talked about everything, from global warming to music; just going with the stream of consciousness and having our beers. And now while I have my last beer and listen to the freaking please-do-me hot Justin Timberlake and write this I realize life is good. Do I miss a romantic affair? Of course I do; but blasé life is awesome as well. That's it people, just get drunk and let go. Life's friggin' cool that way.

[Song: My Love - Justin Timberlake]

The Single Life

As much as I enjoy this new life of mine I'm starting to get a bit freaked out. I usually see people but to return to an empty home. I guess I'm starting to feel the single life badly. Maybe I miss my dad who always provided good conversation and quality time in doors, maybe I miss a house with sounds, sounds that don't concern to myself one and only. Maybe I'm missing Alais, the thought she's not exactly reachable anymore kind of hurts.

Thankfully next week I'm going to travel with my dad to the town where my cousin lives, Inhambupe. There'll be kids, maybe I'll feel okay for a while. But fucksake I'm just trying to blindfold; thing is I must occupy myself, I've been a week doing nothing; time to go back to school and keep my mind busy and out of drinks. Alcolism is only cool on celebrities.

[Song: Breathe - Kylie Minogue]

Being Blasé

I think my gaydar is broken.

Last weekend I was having drinks with my folks at this cool café and I [thought I] got flirtted by this cute British guy - Daniel. We talked and I gave him my number and email, and he invited me to go to the inn he was staying in the morrow because Caetano Veloso was going to be there. I was happy with the possibility of getting a hook-up, but it was the possibility of knowing Caetano in person that got me all excited about. On the following night we [Alais, Chasha - Alias's roomate - Nina and I] went to the inn and we met Mr. Veloso [I DIED!!]; afterwards we went to this cool place called Borracharia ["tire place" in Portuguese] to dance and make some scene. There I learned from Alais that Daniel wasn't gay.

Lucas 0 x 1 Cold Mean Universe.

Saturday I finally went to the party I was anticipating for a whole month: the Nave [Portuguese for ship]. Ha, it was marvelous! I caused a lot, danced like crazy and when the darling DJ played Hung Up I jumped on the stage with Alais and danced even more. Before it we got to dance with this group of unknowns [by me] and among them there was this cute thing; he was so pretty and danced so cooly I could not take my eyes of him. Afterwards Alais, me and him were dancing to this awesome rock beat and he said something in her ear, right after she formally introduced us. I glowed. But later, when I told her my interst for him she told he was not gay.

Lucas 0 x 2 Cold Mean Bitchy Motherfucker Son-Of-A-Bitch Cocksucker Universe.

I am confused. I know Universe is not to be blamed, the needy feeling this rut brings [aka ego] is the real fucker; so you know what, I decided to be blasé. I'm gradually de-crushing from Éder but this want of a guy beside me has been tripping me up; it's like I'm looking for a substitute to receive these feelings that got interrupted to flow. Therefore, in an attempt to stop confusion I'll occupy my head with other things, flirt the less possible and forget men. Men suck! I'll be asexual at least in the meantime I organize my life.

[Song: Move - Dreamgirls]

This Is NO Good!

Today I went to the cinema alone; I LOVE going to the cinema alone, just me and my thoughts about the movie I'm watching. Not that I don't like company in the theatres, but I usually prefer my solitude.

Not today. As soon as I finished my cigarette and entered the mall I bought my ticket and got into the room, after buying my usual large Coke. The film was The Blood Diamond [meeeh!] and the most exciting things were the 3rd Spider-Man and the 5th Harry Potter trailers. As I got more and more bitter about the movie all I wished was someone with me. Someone I could share my bitterness with, someone to laugh with me at the silly things of the movie, someone I could do a quick comment about the performances or the screenplay. And you know, I'm not talking about a friend...

The thing is, in my pursuit of mind occupation I've watched movies. This morning I saw Boy George's marvelous musical Taboo, an outrageous and hilarious play about the 80's underground club culture; in the late afternoon I drove without direction and ended up in the mall to see The Blood Diamond and as soon as I got home I watched The House Of The Spirits, with G-d Meryl Streep and a delightful-to-watch Winona Ryder.

The thing in common between them? Lucas felt the loneliest of people. I hate when I get this romantic wave, especially after a long, fun and secure period of manless bitterness. It's funny how we complain the lack of romance in our lives and when we finally get it we want back the firstly-hated apathy. In the airheaded-hesitant-dunno-what-we-want bitches' defense I say: apathy hurts much less than unresponded romance.

I'll definitelly be more careful with the things I wish from now on. As a friend said tonight on MSN, the solution is becoming the quintessence of blasé.

[Song: Hung Up - Madonna]

Time Goes By So Slowly...

... for those without men!! LOL!!!

As I get bitter about my college and how annoyed about it I am, I get also awful news as the cherry of the top: Madonna ain't coming anymore. That evil whore!! But you see, I'm ok, 'cause since the beginning I decided to keep my two feet on the ground.

Putting Madonna aside, I'm excited about going to Bahia next weekend. The thing is [and I'm sorry to go drama-queening and being boring bitter again]: I'm bored of my friends!! (The flesh ones ho! Not the bytes ones like you!!)

It's all the same talk, the same laughs, the same... uhg!! I feel like knowing new people, connecting with new minds, hearing new and more exciting stories, instead of the next drama about the boyfriend that doesn't notice how pretty she is, or how many pages have I written for Brit Literature assignment.

Today, two of my friends were shit-chating after the English exam and they were telling these really funny anecdotes but those shallow smiles were all I could give. And I thought: what is wrong with me? Maybe it's because I often get this way at this time of the year. But maybe - and this is definintely the option - I'm just upset with the way I'm carrying my life: lazily around, postponing the things that would do me good or make changes.

"Lucas you stupid!! You want a man? Go out and get one!! Do what Kabbalah tells you to and stop sabotaging yourself like an Alanis Morissette angst Jagged Little Pill poem," says M. Alexander Dantas.

[Song: Forbidden Love - Madonna]