Narcissism

I think I've finally come to the terms of my own beauty.

I never saw myself as a handsome person; at least not all the time. As adolescence was left behind and my face started looking even, not a Picasso painting, I started reckoning I like my countenance. But still I'm far from being a beauty queen and I like it.

I realized, a couple days ago, that my beauty isn't something easy to get. Not that I'm à la Ziyi Zhang, with such exotic features that you might strange at first, I actually have a pretty common face; but it's my personality that outbursts and enhances my physical features. And I simply can't and don't want to control that.

A person that barely knows me, told me once that I'm the kind of person who calls attention; whom, among a bunch of people, involuntarily stands out from everyone because my personality was grander than my body.

Rejection has been a long companion, but I never analyzed what could cause that. So, in a stroke of narcissism I've come to terms that it is not easy for a young gay guy to stick around someone who is so open about himself, his tastes, his beliefs. Even outted, some gay people feel the need to behave strict and straight; not that gay people has to follow a certain pattern of behavior, and straight people other, but when do we start behaving like ourselves?

Some guy I know is gay, but if someone don't tell you, you won't know. One day he had a skank and hash joint and start acting like Jack McFarland. Dropping the judgemental side of this whole speech, I remember the question the ho made me a couple days ago: "why doesn't anyone under 30 want us?" Probably it's because most of older men can already see beyond the silly rules of conduct ["don't be so talkative cos it's too feminine"; "don't be too eloquent cos it drives people away"...], and don't give a shit of what society will think.

Purki's got a boyfriend; one of the first things he told his beau before they start officially dating was that he, Purki, could offer no protection to him. Anyone who'd seen a guy walking too long with him would consider them as a couple; that because he's okay and open about his sexuality and had no intention in hiding that away.

In a small town's gay world things are even more tricky to understand; the colonial mentality prevent people from doing what they want and feel like. Purki also once told me that our clique tends to scare people away: we're too open about ourselves. He's right, we're too loud, we dress like it pleases us, we're too honest about our feelings and wishes, we speak loud when we want, we shake our asses when and the way we want, we drink heavily when we want; most importantly we say and do whatever we want whenever we want. Red also said that if you slap society on the face, it punches you back wherever it can hit. And damn yeah it hurts. But do I want to be a leader or a follower? A doer or a repeater?

In the end of these nonsensical rambling I realize this desire to be an achiever is part of my beauty, and I'm not prepared to put it off to please anyone else.

[Song: Forbidden Love - Madonna]

Men With History Redux

Life and destiny are so funny. Two posts away I finished it talking about a guy; well, he's a man with history. The thing is that his record though darkish, isn't so far that harmful for me. You all remember comment guy and our closure, but life/love is kinda crazy with a spooky little boy like destiny.

About two or three weekends ago I hooked up with this guy who turned out to be a comment guy's ex. No wait, not a comment guy's ex, the ex for whom he kicked my ass. Shocks dang you know what I'm saying y'all?!

Of course I only knew he was he after the happenstance; if I'd known previously it'd probably weight on my horniness for him, because the guy is indeed a hottie. But the thing is his history. Red [aka CG] had told me some pretty weird-slash-funny-slash-lame-slash-ridiculous things about him and this guy [to whom I haven't given a nickname yet - help me out here ho!], that involved cheating and the word psychopath. Lol.

But there are times in your life you simply give hand of past stories and just live the now, and whatever he did to the aborigine [aka Red] is somehow meaningless to me, after all I don't get involved in other people's personal craps; especially if they're some sort of persona non grata in my head [oui I'm still to get over that part of heartbreak healing when you hate the person who slashed your heart]. So I seeked my pleasure by hooking up with this guy a couple of times more.

Anywho the reason of this whole rambling is that I spent another sleepless Friday at this pub named Apogeu - the only really cool place to go in town. Anderson is a waiter there. And he got a new haircut, that improved himself brightly; Lucas was drunk and needy [romancelessness and drama - always always always!] so I flirted with him wildly again. By the morning when he was not working anymore and the bar had only as costumers me and a friend - who are less like costumers and more like friends of the crew - I offered him a ride. That had to be called off because my horniness erased from my mind that my dad had an appointment in the morning and was going to need the car; so I fled to bring the car home and as soon as I arrived I called him, and suddenly I was in a bus at half past 6AM going to meet him in front of this hotel, to then go to his place.

Between the kisses and cuddles I sleepily looked into his eyes, with a Ninotchka glance and crooked smile, and said:

"I'm going to tell you a secret."

"Tell me," he said.

"I wanna have sex with you." [Pause.] "But not today."

I confess that that was a clear sign of my romancelessness, but in any case it seemed to boost even more his enthusiasm towards me. And as I kept stopping his hands to move even more forward, we fell asleep.

He spooned me.

[Song: Old Cape Cod - The Puppini Sisters.]

My Mojo Got Stollen!!

This weekend some of theCC's and I went to this neat gay bar in town and stayed till the sunrise. I flirted wildly with a couple guys but that was it. I couldn't keep the thing moving - I froze both of the times. By the morning as we had breakfast at a hotel I commented with Loli about my impasse.
Yes, I'm just drama-queening... but holy shit how horny I am these days!!
[Song: Levante - Marisa Monte]

Which...

... of these:

"Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And oft' is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd:
But thy eternal Summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wanderest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee."
[Shakespeare - Sonnet #18]

"Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page, you have appeared to my life,
feel like I'll never be the same,
just like a song in my heart,
just like oil on my hands,
Honor to love you
Still I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
we do it all the time,
blowing out my mind"
[Corinne Bailey Rae - Like A Star]
Just being romantically depressed lame...
I watched Venus for the second time today. First time I saw it was in Salvador, with Nina; lovely day, when I wasn't so deep into shitty problems of ego. Today I saw it with dad in this recent post-shit moment - especially after the recent relapse. What first was a cute somewhat romantic comedy, today became a beautiful essay about falling in love amidst loneliness. At first I thought that the film loses its rhythm when it makes more about O'Tootle than itself; I still think it so, but today I could see it only as an average viewer and just enjoyed the story. What happened then? I cried of course.
Guess I got the reds.
[Song: Come To Me - Björk]

*dies*

Tomorrow is Saint Anthony's day in Brasil.

For you that don't know it, it's our equivalent to the Valentine's Day.

It's said that Saint Anthony, while alive, helped poor people to get money to get married, that's why he's a match-maker saint. Spinsters hide his image upside down inside a closet as a punishment until the saint finds them a husband.

No ho, my image is not upside down. My life already is.

I never really cared for this holiday... but this year I do. And I'm alone...

As usual.

[Song: Bachelorette - Björk]

Heartbroken Podcast

Uhg, yesterday at Portuguese Language Studies class we watched this documentary about... err... the Portuguese language. So, you all know saudade. Of course there was a moment they said about saudade and there was this genius fado band [Madredeus] playing this beautiful song Ecos Na Catedral. Well, I'm a drama-queen, therefore you know I cried. So, this is simply the mixtape for/from this heartbroken bitch. Corny? Sure! Care? Not a fuck. There are about 40 songs, download as you please or just note how pathetic I am.

1. Ecos Na Catedral - Madredeus

2. Where Does The Good Go? - Tegan And Sara [that's all you ask yourself when a love affair is over]

3. Lamb - Gorecki ["If I should die this very momen/I wouldn't feel/For I've never known completeness/Like being here with you/Wrapped in the warmth of you/Loving every breath of you/Still my heart this moment/Oh it might burst"... 'nuff said]

4. Spring - Saint Etienne [Etienne knows how to bring the most heartbreakingly optimistic songs]

5. Dreamsome - Shelby Lynne [it's from Bridget Jones's Diary soundtrack; whaddya think?]

6. Mr. Donut - Saint Etienne ["When I'm far from home/You call me on the phone/And tell me everything/That's happenin' in London/When I'm feeling blue/You call me something new/Another stupid name/That makes me smile..." *dies*]

7. Nothing Fails - Madonna [was there ever anything before this song was written?]

8. You're The One - Kylie Minogue [everything I'd like to say to...]

9. You've Got A Friend - Stacey Kent [wanna get cornier? Add some James Taylor on]

10. Jóga - Björk [the state of emergency]

11. Love Tried To Welcome Me - Madonna [who could've thought that Madge is usually drawn to sadness?]

12. Possibly Maybe - Björk [c'mon, you saw this one coming]

13. Samson - Regina Spektor [fuck, I'll cry again]

14. No Easy Love - Annie ["You rang the door one of a Sunday morning/Said that I was always on your mind"... and I'm still waiting]

15. Dull Flame Of Desire - Björk [one of the best romance stories ever written in song form]

16. How Insensitive - Astrud Gilberto [Vinicius de Moraes and Tom Jobim are G-ds]

17. O Caminho - Bebel Gilberto [try to be indifferent to this, even if you can't make shit out of the words]

18. Every Time We Say Goodbye - Ella Fitzgerald [do I really need to explain it?]

19. Legend - Nelly Furtado [I so much miss chilvary]

20. Qualquer Coisa - Caetano Veloso [simply beautiful]

21. Poney Honey Money - Cansei De Ser Sexy [simply cute... just giving me car memories]

22. Your Hands Are Cold - Dario Marianelli [Mr. Darcy and Miss Eliza Bennet... once again, whaddya think?]

23. Fallen - Sarah McLachlan [the G-d of making-us-cry]

24. Littlest Things - Lily Allen [hmm... now whole Conquista memories]

25. Valsa Da Solidão - Roberta Sá [read 17]

26. Aún Asi Te Vas - Belanova [this will always be one of my favorite heartbreak songs]

27. Put Yourself In My Place - Kylie Minogue [romantic crap #2]

28. Pecado - Caetano Veloso [this is ours ho]

29. River - Madeleine Peyroux [less corny than Taylor, but still, Joni Mitchell]

30. A Home - Dixie Chicks [oh and there's also country music]

31. Try - Nelly Furtado [*cries*]

32. Wish I Could - Norah Jones ["We met in a place I used to go,/Now I just walk by it for show,/Can't bear to go in without you know,/Wish I could,/Wish I could." *cries*]

33. Lovely Head - Goldfrapp [this one's so weird, yet so beautiful]

34. Peach Trees - Rufus Wainwright [my favorite song quote in the whole wide world: "Cause I'm so tired of waiting in restaurants/Reading the critics and comics alone"]

35. Destiny - Zero 7 [just wish this was true to me... lol, ho you know I can get even worst!]

36. Sleep - Azure Ray [the "I can't sleep, I can't speak to you" chorus reminds Saint Etienne's "I can't sleep/thinking of you constantly"]

37. Crazy For You - Madonna [romantic crap #1]

38. Dangerous Game - Kylie Minogue [*cries*]

39. Happy Ending - Mika ["This is the way that we love,/Like it's forever./Then live the rest of our life,/But not together"]

40. Gone Gone Gone - Madonna [*dies*]

Let Your Body Go With The Flow

What to do in a day you're practically sleeping in front of the teacher?

Today my cigarettes finished by noon and I had no time to buy a new pack before levaing to college, so as my nicotine craving grew along the afternoon I had to do something to calm my disturbed spirits: I ate. So instead of having cancer now I'm fat.

But all these craps: the sleep, the cig desire, the food, they just ended being part of one more day in my routine. As the weekend approaches I get all excited about going to cool places and doing fun stuff that my daily life often seems miles away even for myself. Let me see if I can explain better: sometimes it feels like I sleep throughout the week to just wake up on the Friday night.

At the end of last night however I had my first piece of stress concerned to school. As dawn slowly and unwantedly rose at the other side of the window I realized the paper I had to hand in the afternoon wasn't quite ready yet. I tuned myself to the always helpful and cute Rufus [seriously, Go Or Go Ahead aches sometimes] and quickly finished the thing that was inicially neglected for a whole day wasted online [not exactly because two lovely and uncommented posts were written] and a whole night with Bridget Jones [a whole BJ raving coming later this week]. I went to bed after 5am, so on Monday I was nobody.

However today was a fun day. No deep philosophical epiphanies but little fun in an environment I usually take for granted. When I got home I didn't feel the usual bone-tired I always do and despite the sleep I was okay. Got me thinking of how simple it is to actually study when I want to; maybe I'll be trying a little harder to do it.

And to finish the random thoughts of the night I again got me daydreaming about the one person who will make me feel and behave like this:

Yeah Mr. Right you suck ass badly!! Where the fuck are you? I wanna dance on the streets like Björk!

Begosteodioparvida!!!

[Song: Vogue - Madonna]

The Single Life

As much as I enjoy this new life of mine I'm starting to get a bit freaked out. I usually see people but to return to an empty home. I guess I'm starting to feel the single life badly. Maybe I miss my dad who always provided good conversation and quality time in doors, maybe I miss a house with sounds, sounds that don't concern to myself one and only. Maybe I'm missing Alais, the thought she's not exactly reachable anymore kind of hurts.

Thankfully next week I'm going to travel with my dad to the town where my cousin lives, Inhambupe. There'll be kids, maybe I'll feel okay for a while. But fucksake I'm just trying to blindfold; thing is I must occupy myself, I've been a week doing nothing; time to go back to school and keep my mind busy and out of drinks. Alcolism is only cool on celebrities.

[Song: Breathe - Kylie Minogue]

Being Blasé

I think my gaydar is broken.

Last weekend I was having drinks with my folks at this cool café and I [thought I] got flirtted by this cute British guy - Daniel. We talked and I gave him my number and email, and he invited me to go to the inn he was staying in the morrow because Caetano Veloso was going to be there. I was happy with the possibility of getting a hook-up, but it was the possibility of knowing Caetano in person that got me all excited about. On the following night we [Alais, Chasha - Alias's roomate - Nina and I] went to the inn and we met Mr. Veloso [I DIED!!]; afterwards we went to this cool place called Borracharia ["tire place" in Portuguese] to dance and make some scene. There I learned from Alais that Daniel wasn't gay.

Lucas 0 x 1 Cold Mean Universe.

Saturday I finally went to the party I was anticipating for a whole month: the Nave [Portuguese for ship]. Ha, it was marvelous! I caused a lot, danced like crazy and when the darling DJ played Hung Up I jumped on the stage with Alais and danced even more. Before it we got to dance with this group of unknowns [by me] and among them there was this cute thing; he was so pretty and danced so cooly I could not take my eyes of him. Afterwards Alais, me and him were dancing to this awesome rock beat and he said something in her ear, right after she formally introduced us. I glowed. But later, when I told her my interst for him she told he was not gay.

Lucas 0 x 2 Cold Mean Bitchy Motherfucker Son-Of-A-Bitch Cocksucker Universe.

I am confused. I know Universe is not to be blamed, the needy feeling this rut brings [aka ego] is the real fucker; so you know what, I decided to be blasé. I'm gradually de-crushing from Éder but this want of a guy beside me has been tripping me up; it's like I'm looking for a substitute to receive these feelings that got interrupted to flow. Therefore, in an attempt to stop confusion I'll occupy my head with other things, flirt the less possible and forget men. Men suck! I'll be asexual at least in the meantime I organize my life.

[Song: Move - Dreamgirls]

January 10th

Fat Unities: 2 [in liquid form... cappuccinos]; alcoholic unities: 0 [boring!]; cigarettes: 3 [and the last one was awful... mix of guilt with dizziness].

Holy fuck! Last night I got home feeling sick lied down for a while and woke up at 3 a.m.! I went out with Soraya [intel girl]; we hit the movies to see a lovely Brazillian piece about growing up in a strange environment and later we went to the town's café, Don'Antônia.

Sol is a marvel, we've talked about all her favorite subjects that happened to be mine as well: movies and jazz! We raved on Meryl Streep, our mutual favorite actress alive, and before the movie session I could not leave the department store without a La Streep piece I've been meaning to watch for ages. I recommended her classics she never watched like An Affair To Remember, All About Eve, A Star Is Born and Breakfast At Tiffany's [!] and some modern marvels like Mean Girls.

Soraya is funny and adorable; she also has the same memory problem as mine, maybe even more critical [she forgets movie titles!], and turned out to be a total carefree person, a bit different from the high school girl I used to remember. She was okay about my smoking, although she despises cigarettes. At the café we raved more on Julie Andrews [her love] and Audrey Hepburn [my love], talked about our lives, the optimism over 2007 and food talk.

After we Judy-ed, I drove her home and stopped at a fast-food in the way home to have a milk-shake and a smoke. Uhg the smoke! It took over my brains in the worst fashion possible, making me feel sick and like puking. I suddenly felt this huge guilt ["why the fuck am I smoking?!"] combined with all those feelings; my very dramatic side made me hate myself and lose the optimism; I hated the fact I was smoking, I hated my strawberry milk-shake [I left without drinking a sip], I hated the fact I was alone, I hated myself for hating being alone... I tried to read but the book's words just jumbled before my eyes and made me even more sick. Peach Trees came instantly on my mind... but honestly I don't want that anymore. Supercalifragilistiexpialidocious cheered me up a little as I drove home but uhg I lied down and died.

Now... I feel like throwing up, but I still want a cigarette.

[Song: All By Myself - Celine Dione]

PS: Bridget Jones post.

Romantic Ass

Last post was bitter and bitchy and even though I still am I recognize now I'm kinda fed up.
Kinda fed up of being cynical.
Kinda fed up of not believing.
Kinda fed up of "sharing feelings with the mirror."
Kinda fed up of daydreaming.
Kinda fed up of the me-myself-and-I status.
Honestly: I want to be in love...
[Song: Relocate - Saint Etienne]

Waiting For Vodka

My day was about extremes.

First I was woken up by my dog who, sent by my father, came to gently lick my face. I was already awake so I rubbed his ears and and tamed my traitor. However, I was in moody mode; I skipped coffee [!!!] and went straight to my dad's room to watch Sex And The City's second season. Of course I had orgasmic moments following my favorite Manhattanites ever.

But right after it I decided to finally watch an oh-so-beloved movie I've always neglected. Requiem For A Dream was an experience that I wish I'll never repeat. Not that I hated the film, but I definitelly didn't love it either. I confess that I started to watch it with a slightly biased vision since I tend to dislike things commonly praised as masterpieces by most of people; the speedy edition, in my opinion, however interestingly experimental [sometimes it felt like a dark Jonas Åkerlund video], never let me really feel the power of the story. Being utterly honest I only felt it after the disturbingly grotesque final sequence when the credits came up, I took a breath, got up to the bathroom and in the way I felt my knees weaken and right there I had a mini-breakdown that lasted for half an hour. Ellen Burstyn is gorgeous and most of the times very touching in spite of the icy edition; Connelly and Leto are good as well but we never root or sympathize for their characters like we do for Burstyn's.

Nevertheless, I now believe the film never tried to arouse from us any other feeling than pity. Like every Realistic piece of art it only sheds the light on the wound, exposing its horrid anatomy and leaving it there for the world to see. Of course it has its value, but sincerely I'm not fan of these pessimistic points of view on humankind, that shocks you for a couple of hours or so but never sticks to your mind [and feelings] for more than the same time later. The film stands in a very comfortable position of show-and-run: [okay, I'm gonna be judgy now] very pleasant for bourgeois kids wanting to feel politically involved or intellectualized. They need things like "Requiem" to validate their shallow lives. These people raise the hype of such careless film and dislike real political pieces like The Constant Gardener. "Requiem", of course, makes you think [unless you're a cold and insensitive bitch] but it never gives you a direction or any possible remedy for the exposed tumor. You watch, feel the pity and totally forgets about it in a couple days. Ohhh... I LOVED the score though.

After such tough aesthetic images I needed some endorphin; couple of cappuccinos and chocolate cake later I got back home and watched the last Sex And The City's DVD. Oh my G-d!! I laughed my ass of with the infamous Miranda ejaculation scene on the "Was It Good For You" episode and got happy again.

BUT, [because my life without a drama ain't worthy] on the MSN I met my little ex-beau and as I engaded in a masochist chat with him I learned from him he was back together with his ex [the one he left me for] in a commitment free relationship. So, how do you think I felt? LOL!

So... all I wanted was a little dose [aka plenty] of vodka to get drunk and sleepy and be happy for the day. Well, dad didn't find any grocery open... GENIUS!!

[Song: Fidelity - Regina Spektor]

Alcohol Decadence

When people say they drink to forget, they're lying. People drink to remember, because EVERYTIME they drink they remember everything that's crappy on their lives. This time's no exception. I went out with dad and his girlfriend and I had couple [x2] drinks and now I think what's crappy on my life...

Shortening the tale: I WANT A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright alright here's the truth: I miss being cared, missed, loved. I know my friends love me and all that, but you all know what I mean. I'm talking about friggin' romance for G-d sakes and it's been ages since my last crush!!!

I'm an Independent Woman and all that but I want to share moments!! I want to go out and have coffee with someONE and share cute romantic moments! I want a boyfriend!!

I hate being this mellow but yeah, that's how I am now, fuck it!

[Song: Lovin' You - Kylie "G-d" Minogue]

I Wanna F F-U F-U-C-K!!

The latest books I've read [excpet Frankenstein] curiously are somehow sexual themed. The last one, A Casa dos Budas Ditosos, by João Ubaldo Ribeiro, is about a 70-year-old libertine. It's a genius piece of comedy that follows the stream of consciousness of a fascinating woman, a true feminist that had as life-goal to satisfy her lust.

My next book is [maybe] A Spy In The House Of Love, by Anaïs Nin, which makes me wonder: am I really that honry? Well, the imediate answer is yes, and that's probably why all my last readings [and even movies] have strong sexual connotation. I don't make much inner-fuss about it, especially after reading "A Casa". Its protagonist is so freed about sex that not even my craving for it irks or worries me. It's normal and I admit I'm needing a good fuck to liberate energy and hormones.

But all this gossip about sex is kind of nonsense and boring. I have bored myself with my constant horniness and boy-checking. What's concerned to boys I'm still zero, but at least I've been bumping on some interesting and amusing books and films. The other day I saw Barbarella, but about that another time...

[Song: Let It Will Be - Madonna]

Focus

[Tracy Lord and Lone Ranger were walking around the town.]

Lone Ranger: Uhg... I'm tired of being alone. I need to find people to connect here... or at least someone to get laid with.

Tracy Lord: No dude! You gotta concentrate on your studies! You're here to study, this town is just a passage way to your real goal. There you socialize!

Lone Ranger: Yeah... you're right. But I do wanna get laid!

[Song: Promises - Kylie Minogue]

Intel

Okay, remember Julio?

Earlier tonight I was having this light artsy conversation with a HS-times friend of mine on the MSN. We were saying how much we loved Jazz, the film 8 Femmes and I was telling her to watch Les Parapluis du Cherbourg. Then she started with this we-are-friends can-I-make-an-indiscreet-question kind of crap and I already knew what she was going to ask.

She laughed hard with my reply which was something like: "Hey sweetie, 3 simple tips: Madonna, Classic movies and Judy Garland." So she pleased my ego [she said that was the best answer she'd ever got to that question] and we started to go deeper in that subject: when I found out, if I was outted bla bla bla.

But I moved to the more interesting part of the convo: I asked her about other guys from the school times that she suspected about. She came up with a very interesting and revealing list that made me regret being far from the Conquista scenario for so long!! But well, of course I had a hidden agenda in all that: I hurried and asked about Julio... yeah Julio! Soraya [my friend who I forgot to name earlier] said: "Oh Julio! He IS!"

Well folks, now do you remember the feeling of possibility from two posts down? Yeah, you're so smart!!!!! But along with her intel [new name for gossip] came the information that Julio is about to go to London [!] this month!!!!!!!!

I don't have much time...

[Song: Chocolate - Kylie Minogue]

... life as a movie!

What wouldn't I give now for a fuck buddy? Just someone to chill, have a good talk over cappuccino and then lead for a bed somewhere and release the hormons. Nowadays I'd even skip the cappuccino part... But my longer for intimacy wouldn't allow it and it has made me sort of cynical lately. A week ago I met the guy who gave me the "impressive instant" from early August and it was a blast. But I don't know if I told [and I probabaly didn't] but I noticed he wasn't boyfriend material.

There are two basic things with which I can explain why that; both are ego-driven but only one is clearly ego-appealing. [You gotta guess which!]

The first is: he was kind of dumb; I mean, not that we actually had time to talk about serious things, but I sensed a certain air of ignorance and superficiality around him. The way he bent down to his supposed-ex's fairy-queene friend was kind of pitiful; probably he felt guilty and thought that being obsequious would redeem himself, which means he wasn't a very strong person, so...

The second thing is: he was the ultimate ego-pleaser. He called me hot, told me that my kiss was breathtaking and tore himself down on compliments, to me! You know I'm in the struggle to destroy my ego, but that was a lot and made me so fucking horny... well you know what happened.

Then, those two little facts perhaps wouldn't allow me to be in a relationship with Tiago [remember I'm doing suppositions based on them], but I know he would turn out to be a very good fuck buddy. And before this post stars to sink in "woulda, shoulda, couldas" let me go to the point: I still WAAAAAAAAAAANT [yeah that way] romance!!! I'm close to the point of going to one of those blind dates reality shows... uh, okay not so much. But the thing is: I want to share romance, I want to step ahead the daydreaming that's been boring me currently and wage intellectual intercourse!

So, last Tuesday, as I waited for my flight to Salvador at Guarulhos airport in São Paulo, I took courage to pay an absurd just for the sake of killing boredom and checking out my emails. Then comes my surprise: a guy emailed me!! He said he saw my profile on match.com and decided to email me. I felt so flattered and fuzzy inside!! You know me, the more down-to-earth and sober I may try to be I can't help feeling all perky and bouncy with the feeling of possibility! But few days after my last reply to his last email, nothing happens and I'm starting to get very cynical all over again.

So oh G-d, when will I stop pretending my life is the movies I watch and so much love?! Hmm... well actually, deep down I don't want to. I mean, during this period of dryness and absolutely no metaphysical fun filled with cynicism and impatience the movies and the books have given me at least fantasy. While I don't actually find my so-called-knight-in-shiny-armor-rescuer man I stick with the William Holden-s, Cary Grant-s, Micheal Vartan-s etc etc. As my lovely Ho says: "I believe in film romance"!

And to give a perfect closure to my romance-craving post guess which is the Movie Of The Day on IMDB?! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058450/ Yeah!! I want myself a Nino Castelnuovo but this time with a very and cute happy ending. I'm sick of the sad ones so overrated by the intellectual wannabes!! I want a film romance!!

PS: Ho, a cookie if you guess which actor I went to check out the name's correct spelling on IMDB! ;)

[Song: Skin - Madonna]