Narcissism

I think I've finally come to the terms of my own beauty.

I never saw myself as a handsome person; at least not all the time. As adolescence was left behind and my face started looking even, not a Picasso painting, I started reckoning I like my countenance. But still I'm far from being a beauty queen and I like it.

I realized, a couple days ago, that my beauty isn't something easy to get. Not that I'm à la Ziyi Zhang, with such exotic features that you might strange at first, I actually have a pretty common face; but it's my personality that outbursts and enhances my physical features. And I simply can't and don't want to control that.

A person that barely knows me, told me once that I'm the kind of person who calls attention; whom, among a bunch of people, involuntarily stands out from everyone because my personality was grander than my body.

Rejection has been a long companion, but I never analyzed what could cause that. So, in a stroke of narcissism I've come to terms that it is not easy for a young gay guy to stick around someone who is so open about himself, his tastes, his beliefs. Even outted, some gay people feel the need to behave strict and straight; not that gay people has to follow a certain pattern of behavior, and straight people other, but when do we start behaving like ourselves?

Some guy I know is gay, but if someone don't tell you, you won't know. One day he had a skank and hash joint and start acting like Jack McFarland. Dropping the judgemental side of this whole speech, I remember the question the ho made me a couple days ago: "why doesn't anyone under 30 want us?" Probably it's because most of older men can already see beyond the silly rules of conduct ["don't be so talkative cos it's too feminine"; "don't be too eloquent cos it drives people away"...], and don't give a shit of what society will think.

Purki's got a boyfriend; one of the first things he told his beau before they start officially dating was that he, Purki, could offer no protection to him. Anyone who'd seen a guy walking too long with him would consider them as a couple; that because he's okay and open about his sexuality and had no intention in hiding that away.

In a small town's gay world things are even more tricky to understand; the colonial mentality prevent people from doing what they want and feel like. Purki also once told me that our clique tends to scare people away: we're too open about ourselves. He's right, we're too loud, we dress like it pleases us, we're too honest about our feelings and wishes, we speak loud when we want, we shake our asses when and the way we want, we drink heavily when we want; most importantly we say and do whatever we want whenever we want. Red also said that if you slap society on the face, it punches you back wherever it can hit. And damn yeah it hurts. But do I want to be a leader or a follower? A doer or a repeater?

In the end of these nonsensical rambling I realize this desire to be an achiever is part of my beauty, and I'm not prepared to put it off to please anyone else.

[Song: Forbidden Love - Madonna]