The Change Of Heart

I've been absurdly stressed. I'm to travel to Rio next week and still I wasn't able to get my ID card, without it I won't be able to get the plain, nor the concerts tickets. All the misfortunes that has been crossing my crusade are the paradigm of Murphy Law, but I still hope things will be okay in the end... I have to hold on to that.

But in this whole stress I've become a bit sensitive about things around; especially music that reminds me of twisted parts in my life. Lately it's been Brazillian g-d Vanessa Da Mata who's been startling me about the dark side of my joy.

Don't get me wrong. I'm far from going into depression land again, but suddenly the unfinished businesses of my life have showed themselves as if the red curtain was opened up. Last weekend was Children's Day, therefore, a holiday. Dad and I went to Salvador after two nights and a day in Inhambupe, his hometown. I saw my mom again, after a month since I moved back to Conquista; it felt like an eternity and I realized how much I miss her. That cunning ache to the chest possessed me as soon as I laid eyes on her; I wanted so much she'd go out with us but she preferred not to, probabaly because of dad. And on the Monday, after we dropped my sister home, I wanted to go upstairs and tell her my feelings; she still wasn't home though and I thought the chance was missed.

So, this morning, feeling terribly tired after another unsuccessful attemptive of getting my papers I drove home listening to Da Mata's Minha Herança: Uma Flor [already on the white-box] and the lyrics made me think of my relationship with mother. How I've been neglecting her emotionally and how probably she got tired to get close and seems now to be just accommodating with my coldness. And a fierce fear possessed me as the tears rolled down my face; a fear we'd become strangers, simply relatives who let the personality differences drive them apart.

The song however has optimistic lyrics and along with the fear came a deep and honest desire to fix everything; my heart wished so vehemently that I'd become a better son. My mom has been getting into so much [emotional] trouble lately, and listening to that song made me see how cruel and judgemental I've been towards her. I suddenly saw that by turning away and choosing not to get involved not even a bit with her problems, I've been positioning myself on a higher level than hers... and uhg I now see how stupid and embarrassing it is. Me Mr. I'm-Destroying-My-Ego... turning my back to someone who I should never do so.

All culminated in Woody Allen's Another Woman, and I found myself feeling like Gena Rowlands's character. In the end she decides to change... I guess I'm supposed to make a phone call.

[Song: Minha Herança: Uma Flor - Vanessa Da Mata]