Wednesday, February 28, 2007

PCless Life

What to do when you live in a house with no tv, no pc and no people?
No, I didn't try to kill myself, even though I almost did it last Sunday for not watching the Oscars if it weren't for Alais to come over and be company [yeah, big time DQ moment]!! But well... here's a quicky update post so you my lovely readers [I sound it like you are a lot] know I'm not dead.
College started. Big time confusion... public colleges are great, BUT they're the quintessence of disorganization. So I'm very lost and not excited to find things out. I hope things get along with time... I know they will.
Man, I need men!! No, not need but yeah you know what I mean. A house without PC AND TV... one tends to think a lot about things-slash-people one shouldn't. Actually all this boredom's being contrasted with cool happenings, like knowing cool people. I met today an old friend of mine at UFBA and met a very hip and famous girl from Salvador. All the prospects of parties have cheered me up a lot as well and honestly, I love having a social life. Lol... Now I'm Paris Hilton.
Well my dears, I think that's all... I miss blogging, and all the good people I read. I need my nerd life back.
[Song: Put Your Records On - Corine Baley Rae]

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

About Hope And Moving On

Today I went to the cinema alone, again. But this time I didn't feel like having anyone with me. I was okay by myself. I watched Nancy Meyers's The Holiday and although I felt a bit sick sometimes [about the movie and my current state of mind] I generelly liked it. The movie references were cute and G-d that Winslet woman is perfection! I even liked Cameron Diaz who is very over the top in the begining but ends up being also pleasant from the middle on [except for that cry scene that was hilarious, but it's not actually all of her fault, it's mostly the film's]. But what I mean to say is that this idiotic holiday romantic comedy, as the great portion of them, manages to fill a hopeless-romantic heart [yes, that would be me] with hope.
Last night I watched The House Of The Spirits and Streep's character talks about the relationship between the events. She means that everything's connected and happens for a reason. I surely knew The Holiday was not going to be a movie that would make me have orgasms about Meyers' filmmaking, I bought the ticket expecting to be bitchy and bitter about it; but in the end it did me good. I felt kind of invigorated with the feeling of hope. Please understand, I'm not talking about hope in having that romance back, just the hope that "the certainty of the continuity of life" brings. I'm only 19, I'm sure I'll have my heart broken several times in the path, so what's the point in feeling miserable when I know that that is a waste of time at this point of my life. I'll be travelling back to Salvador tomorrow at night and I hope to get life on my tracks again; it's not that hard I know, I've done that before and that's what we always do, isn't it?
[Song: Secret - Madonna]

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Men With History

There's a Kabbalist saying that goes "you might be through with the past, but the past might not be through with you." In a society and era where everything happens so fast that you mostly don't have the time to breathe between an event and another, and the notion of time gets so confused that things that happened a while ago feels like an eternity, one might get entangled by the presence of the past in the present.
Almost a year ago I had a crush on a sixteen-year-old boy [those times are finally over] who I made out twice and was totally smitten about [nowdays I don't even know why]. I know it was mainly carnal, but I could tell he liked "my carnal"; days later he dumped me. Reason: a past affair came back from the dead and he decided to invest. Well, I hated the destiny's trick, I hated the fucker, but in the end I got over it.
You all who read this blog followed my sit-com worthy affair with "Comment guy". Comment guy! Lol, in my silly attempt to maintain myself detatched from sidekick feelings I tried to dress up a Holly Golightly behavior, giving him the Ho's and mine usual quirky nicknames, such as "comment guy" or "fuckface" [a fun word that is totally spoiled]. Foolish me ignored the fact that inside of me he already had a name, his own name [imagine this as the Kill Bill Vol. II scene when the Bride's name is revealed]: Éder.
So in our last date before I moved to Salvador I was kind of sick. My throat bitched on me again, but still he stayed with me, ignoring my probable sick breath; we kissed, we talked, we kissed again, we talked more. He offered me a column in his and his friends' fanzine about pop culture; he asked me to call him as I arrived there. Tell me, how not to fall? But that's exactly when things started to fall apart. When I arrived, I called and he never answered; it was like this for the whole week. As you know my brains decided to work over time and turned full creative mode on. Back to Conquista I called him and he said "things happened". Bingo! I had the answer to all my doubts about everything that went on the last week: the disappearance and all the implicating feelings. If you do not know yet, when someone you're having a romantic affair with tells you "things happened" in a sober-wannabe tone, be sure that those things are not good... for you!
This morning, almost 72 hours after that announcement with no more fuss and game details such as "dignity" I decided to call him. Uhg... it was somewhat ridiculous! He stuttered with a weak-ish voice but he finally said what I first thought when I heard the infamous line ["things happened"]: a past affair came back from the dead and he decided to invest. As for me, well I thanked my brains for imagining all the stupidest situations because I was able to tune up to my most stoic side and sounded serene and slightly cold. Of course it was all a bit awkward, because despite everything [?] we had, we never acted as if we needed to explain things to each other. But there he was making his speech, and here I was feeling relieved. I had my closure, I can move on.
And I will; but I won't be a hypocrite in saying I'm not angry or heartbroken. I love mystery, but suspense is just cruel and the level of suspense you make someone go through tells a lot of how much you care about this person. It proves once again the fact that we never know how much of our actions will affect other people, directly or not. After the call I felt angrier with myself for just at that moment being able to process/remember in my mind all the things I wished to say to him. Truth be told I wanted to bitch on him until he felt like shit, but in the end I'm glad I didn't; last thing I need now is another ego-trip. And things happened so quickly that I fell on time's trick. I felt like we were together for ages and we had a whole future ahead. But the same fast way things started between us, they ended with a casual encounter of his with the past, just fresh and raw like that.
I don't blame him for the things I felt in this period; yes he could have avoided all the painful suspense [I won't take that fault away from him] but the "painful" is addition of mine, I decided to come and investigate and face all the consequences that came along. He told me he was still a bit confused about everything [because this guy hurt him], sounding like "hey I'm not sure about this yet so stick around". But that's just not me, I'm not the type of guy who stands and waits for other people to make me happy; as you know I have no shame in casting dignity aside and going after what I want at the moment. Being utterly honest I was liking him, point in fact I think I still do, but I'll just carry on.
After all, why should I feel sad for what I never had?
[Song: The Power Of Good-Bye - Madonna]

This Is NO Good!

Today I went to the cinema alone; I LOVE going to the cinema alone, just me and my thoughts about the movie I'm watching. Not that I don't like company in the theatres, but I usually prefer my solitude.
Not today. As soon as I finished my cigarette and entered the mall I bought my ticket and got into the room, after buying my usual large Coke. The film was The Blood Diamond [meeeh!] and the most exciting things were the 3rd Spider-Man and the 5th Harry Potter trailers. As I got more and more bitter about the movie all I wished was someone with me. Someone I could share my bitterness with, someone to laugh with me at the silly things of the movie, someone I could do a quick comment about the performances or the screenplay. And you know, I'm not talking about a friend...
The thing is, in my pursuit of mind occupation I've watched movies. This morning I saw Boy George's marvelous musical Taboo, an outrageous and hilarious play about the 80's underground club culture; in the late afternoon I drove without direction and ended up in the mall to see The Blood Diamond and as soon as I got home I watched The House Of The Spirits, with G-d Meryl Streep and a delightful-to-watch Winona Ryder.
The thing in common between them? Lucas felt the loneliest of people. I hate when I get this romantic wave, especially after a long, fun and secure period of manless bitterness. It's funny how we complain the lack of romance in our lives and when we finally get it we want back the firstly-hated apathy. In the airheaded-hesitant-dunno-what-we-want bitches' defense I say: apathy hurts much less than unresponded romance.
I'll definitelly be more careful with the things I wish from now on. As a friend said tonight on MSN, the solution is becoming the quintessence of blasé.
[Song: Hung Up - Madonna]

Monday, February 19, 2007

Hey Ho!!

Yaaay!! I finally found out what everyone needs to be overwhelmingly happy!!
Sure, of course some bruises will come along [duuh, nothing's for free!] but man, rollerskating is beyond fun!! I need a pair of those yesterday!!
PS: Pay no attention to my nonsense. I'm just trying to occupy my brains with something so I stop making suppositions about... FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!
[Song: Hung Up - Madonna]

Sunday, February 18, 2007

"Drawing down more Light illuminates the dark areas of our life"

"We tend to take our areas of clarity for granted while we torment ourselves about our 'issues'. We become much happier – and less doubtful – when we redirect our uncertainty into actions of certainty."
Let's say this is my main goal now.
You see, I have some troubles that I'll only discourse here after I solve them. But I'm in such suspense because of them that obviously my head is working over time, creating speeches to supposed future arguments.
One thing is for sure, I MUST start taking care of myself again; my interrupted Kabbalah studies, plus my reconnection with my creativity and trying to improve it without computer [I'll be PCless for a month or more].
So, while bitterness gets closer by the hour I'll try to keep my mind off my "issues" and find my inner Temple Of Light.
In the meantime, wish me luck with everything...
[Song: Landslide - Dixie Chicks]
PS: There are now two links for comments: the Haloscan with the dorky lines ["Comment please please!" etc] and the boring Blogger one... suit yourselves with any of them.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I Love Salvador!!

There I go again!!
You see, this will sound funny. I left Marilia with the purpose of living in Salvador [my native city], but first I had to spend four months in Vitória da Conquista, where my dad lives, in order to set and arrange my life and moving to there. Those four months were boring and full of bitterness [from where I took my fun from] and I couldn't wait until it came February. I hated Conquista but sincerely never tried to like it anyway... so I don't blame anyone, but me.
However in January I kind of became a party monster and got to know and reunite to really cool people and suddenly Conquista didn't seem so awful! [I know, kick my ass!] The latest events only are enough to make me not give up on Salvador, but to want to stick around here a bit more.
But I have to do what I have to do, and despite the "unexpected" sore throat I got, [how did I get to be so weak lately?!] I'm excited to return to my main target. Wish me luck, luvs!
[Song: Some Kind Of Bliss - Kylie Minogue]

Friday, February 09, 2007

Pop Extravaganza Two

"I'm gonna tell you about love. Let's forget your life, forget your problems. Administration, bills and loans. Come with me."
That's how Madonna whispery starts her 2006 "world" tour [if you consider North America, Europe and Japan as the whole planet]. This woman spent more than twenty years of her life telling the world how she feels, what she thinks and not feeling regret about it. In her 1993 tour, The Girlie Show, she goes: "Sometimes you gotta tell world the way you feel, even when they don't wanna hear about it!" Now let me tell you something about Madonna and her fans: we've always had this sarcastic bitchy relationship, so whenever she bosses and badmouths us we get high! So you can imagine that when last year this woman asked gently for us to come with her, "no" was an absolutely impossible answer.
The Confessions Tour came with many rumors and controversy. Some fans bitched about her using equestrian references, until they saw the Steven Klein photoshoot for the W magazine; others shouted along with the narrow-minded and cursed the mock crucifixion even before seeing it. But aside all the exasperated bullshit from those fuckers, Madonna delivered once again the best pop live show.
After the impressive opening of the Golias-esque mirrorball you have right before your eyes dance and musical numbers that go beyond everything you ever thought that could be done in a live concert. From dancers turned into horses as you hear a dancefloor classic [I Feel Love] be once again reinvented, to kinky horse-rides and defying gravity jumps.

The beautiful cross comes up from underground showing a beautiful and focused Madonna; it's like she's in another dimension. If you are a shallow person you just look at the controversial cross; if you have a little bit of artistic sensibility and chooses to go deeper on what you're gazing at, you look a bit up and notice the important message about humanity and love being screened. If you get to this place, Madonna's voice and the song she's singing sound like a heaven sent murmur, then the cross makes perfectly sense.
She's everywhere here. A woman like Madonna surely has many tales to tell and confess, so you can't help but feel emotionally, politically, philosophically, intellectually and spiritually chalenged and moved. She gave statements about world peace, her faith and way of viewing life et al. But one of the things Madonna does majestically, that only a select group of performers can do and still none can do as she does, is making you think while you have the best of the times.
When she announced the tour she said her intention was to turn the world into a gigantic dancefloor. [Did you notice how everything about this is gigantic?] And she did it! The Confessions On Dance Floor album is above everything else a party album, and the tour could be no different. If for a moment you decide to shut your ears to the woman's mind you will still be treated by a selection of songs that will make you dance and have fun like never before.
The final and empowering set - the Music Inferno - starts off with her dancefloor-filler/crowd-pleaser Music mashed up with the 1970's classic Disco Inferno; and guess what! She's dressed up as the dancefloor icon Tony Manero! Then she reinvents her dark and hunting 1992 hit in a way no one ever expected: Erotica becomes happy and bright escorted by the romantic and [somewhat] heartbreaking You Thrill Me; man how that dance is cool and sexy! It's followed by such speeded up and infectious La Isla Bonita that I call it La Isla Gostosa ["hot" in Portuguese], and finally comes a deliciously modern Lucky Star, pursued by the already disco classic and marvelous sing-along/ass-shaker Hung Up.
One might think that The Confessions Tour is filled with distracting machinery, but that means one doesn't get Madonna. Her shows were always multimedia concerts where music is not exactly the main thing to follow. With the Confessions she outdid herself in that gigantic stage filled with light and magic. Suddenly you are transported to a world full of excitement and surprise, where every little thing said and done makes your jaw drops and your whole body is put in a trance. Madonna is the main attraction, but this time - like you already noticed in the first Future Lovers lines forementioned - she humbly gives you time and space to think about something else than her. She still tells you in her way what she feels [after all these are her confessions] but you never feel compelled to only proceed as her.

[Song: Like It Or Not - Madonna]


It's the end of an era.
No more "sexy chubby".

No more drunkard-slash-drugged celebrity.
No more tacky stripper-slash-social climber-slash-rotten moribund old men playground.
No more decadent-slash-funny reality shows.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Bad Timing

You know in this post I was supposed to tell how the author of the comment was revealed; in other words I was to talk about the rave I went last Sunday. I will, but not specifically.
Last night I went out to get drunk with the guys. The guys were a friend of mine, the Comment guy and his friends from college. I was an hour late and as soon as I arrived where they were, they paid the bill and we headed to another bar; they were all tipsy and it looked like The Alcoholic Tour 2007; the bar we stopped was this cheap place, actually a house where we went straight to the most hidden room. We were all sat and being loud as drunkards should be and somehow He and I ended up sitting by each other's side; I was nervous of course, you see I'm very outspoken and to-the-point with lust, but need I to say that daydreamings have much little to do with lust?
The atmosphere was sort of tense as they were left by themselves. Lucas had anticipated that moment for a while, it was his chance to get things started for real. But suddenly all his wittiness and slyness seemed to have gotten out of the room with the rest of their friends. Lucas mumbled and stuttered something, He kept looking at Lucas waiting for what he was to speak; Lucas pretended amnesia, he couldn't simply talk about his thoughts of the last days, his daydreaming and obsession. What if He decided to run away in the other direction?
As I said, I like taking the lead of things; controlling is what I mean. I'm the guy who goes straight to the point and say what I mean [with my usual metaphors and bitterness of course], I'm the crotch-grabber, the eager kisser... but there, at that moment all of this vanished away, I was just a guy with this huge feeling of possibility, desperately wanting his brain to work and create some cheap talk for that awkward hour. As you all know as well, I'm a lazy person; I don't care in doing the job when I must do it but when someone offers to do it for me it's a party!
He insisted in knowing what Lucas meant to say with the grunts; the latter hating inspiration for running dry at that odd moment just smiled and bit his lower lip; you might say this was a slutty move to make an impression, but Lucas bit his lower lip all the time, okay! And this time was more a sign of nerves than seduction. But suddenly He just came close, approached his head towards Lucas who felt this huge carnival inside of him and then they kissed.
He held my hand; after we kissed he held my hand; this might sound ordinary to you but it was new to me, no other guy had held my hand before. There's a part of me that never cared for that stuff, my Samantha Jones self was always pleased when they grabbed my ass so when he held my hand I didn't know how to react, so I just smiled and responded the gesture.
After they were kicked out of the bar [it was closing] they headed towards the same direction. Then Lucas felt this amazing feeling, because conversation flew normally. No weird silences, no out of sudden subjects, everything in the best of stream of consciousness way. They made out on every dark corner on the path, they talked about everything. Lucas mentioned the comment, saying how lovely it was; He thought Lucas would think it was cliché and corny. How could it be? Okay, it was bit cliché but a well conducted one, after all it had mystery enough to make Lucas feel curious and excited about it. "A secret admirer! I have a secret admirer, how cool is that!" He stepped back in time, in the first time they met in Spiritual Camp [don't ask!] 5 years ago. Lucas and his memory of course didn't remember him; "of course you wouldn't remember! I was just this 13-year-old brat asking you Shakira's album! But I liked you right there... you jumping in the pool with Alais playing around, you looked so cute. And I remember feeling all fuzzy when you sat by my side during one of the prayers," He told, making Lucas obviously melt; the things you notice and the things you don't. Lucas would've never thought of him as the writer of that comment, honestly Lucas didn't exactly remember him.
We sat on a bench under a tree in front of his condominium and we talked more; I mouthed around speaking in my usual Lorelai Gilmore way. Everything was great and cute; I felt romantic but not mellow, realizing we had a lot in common like sarcasm and irony ["everyone who hates irony should die!"] and I couldn't help but thinking of what a bad timing this all was happening... me going to Salvador by the end of the week. Uhg! But you know what fuck it! I could choose not to go through it, but then I wouldn't be feeling this cool. It might be bad timing, but it's the time we have and I'm gonna enjoy it! At least I won't be filled with regret for have let it go when I had the chance to hold it. Fuck bad timing!
Lucas: "I was hit by 3 guys at the rave, but none of them had intersted me. I don't know why..."
He: "I love the way you dance!! So free and careless... your hair, your smile, your lips. You were beyond cute that night."
Lucas: "You're kidding me? I dance like a cuckoo whore!"
He: "No you don't!"
Lucas: "You were the cute one! I remember looking at you in the morning and realizing at that moment that I wanted you."
Maybe you [aka I] could say we're late, after all the comment was posted almost a year ago. But who said that Saturday is our deadline? It's not like we're dying anytime soon, and it's not like we're already dating, to the point of having to maintain a distant relationship. So like everything else in my life, I'll jump on it. No I'm not letting go of my control freakness, but maybe it won't hurt to pause it for a while.
Let it will be...
[Song: Hug My Soul - Saint Etienne]

Monday, February 05, 2007

I Hate You Brains!!

I started 2006 [uhg, I promise this is no restrospective post, this is just an intro] transcripting my summer journals. On the 8th part I talked about the beach, but it was a comment I got that caught my attention. Eleven months after it the author of the message is revealed. He's one of the members of theCC.
For the lazy readers [hi Ho!] I'll transcript here the comment that got me:
"i should know that a guy like you could only be who you are.
hahhah i met you years ago, in a place where i couldn't breathe.
and i liked you
and i didn't tell you that
and i regret for it...
someday we'll meet again
i hope"
The revelation of the author happened in a way that takes a longer post and a less tired poster, so if you're curious stay tuned [I always wanted to say that]. The thing I'm really wanting to say here and now is that I fucking hate my brains for being beyond imaginative and start daydreaming!! Yeah, I'm already picturing situations and lives, even if I don't know what that comment exactly meant!
I fucking hate myself!
[Song: Too Far - Kylie Minogue]

Saturday, February 03, 2007


I have a thing for young men. Teenagers to be specific; I like the soft skin, the naivité, the eagerness. Once I kind of fell for one of those, but that's history. But truth be told adolescence is not something I like to deal with nowadays; when the teenager isn't kissing me or trying to rip my clothes off he just bores me.
Well you might say I'm being presumptuous, after all I'm just 19. But when I was 17 I was trying too hard to be oh so mature, that somehow I learned earlier that trying wouldn't exactly work if I didn't have the tools to be so. When I was younger I liked to think I was "an old mind trapped in a young body." Today I see that all I was was a boy wanting desperately to pose as a man. I'm not saying I'm a grown man now, heaven forbid, but I'm done with posing. I've changed, I know I grew up from back then to now. The best part is that I'm aware of these changes; I won't be arrogant in saying I'm in total charge of them but I at least know they're happening and that they must happen.
So, one thing kinds of hits me to the nerves: when people don't get it; better saying: choose not to get it. I don't seek for people's aproval of what I've become or what I've decided to be, I just want them to let me be. I have these friends who recently have been telling me I've changed, but not in a good way [in their conception]. Well I agree I changed, I'm more careless about little trivial details of life, like do-they-still-care-about-me's and am-I-being-dissed-on-the-back's; I'm more conscious of who I am and what I want for myself; I'm more careful with my actions and words; I'm more sarcastic and bitter than before - that's a good thing in my world; I'm a bit more sociable; and at this moment I'm bored with this self-celebrating little list.
The thing is, when my friend found a link from my first blog [I won't link it, too embarassing!] escorted by an "emotional bill" I felt pissed. I'm pro evolution, I agree people have the right to change and grow up; once done you'll never go back to where you started, you might revisit feelings but there's no real trip to memoryland, you can only see the pictures you've taken when you lived that. The bill consisted in "do you still love us like when you said you did back then?" Honestly, I felt pissed about that kind of question. Love is a living thing, it changes and evolves and we have to accept it; G-d knows I love those people but why should I define it? Why should I label it as "strong like before" or "a bit weaker"?
My reply to her question was bitter and sarcastic. Maybe she'll laugh [I doubt], maybe she'll just feel more fucked up. In any case I'll keep on doing what I'm doing; as a non-teenager I refuse to play those games, as a not-yet-adult I just keep on embracing the shifts and turns life gives me.
"I'm not afraid of what I'll face
But I'm afraid to stay."
[Song: Let It Will Be - Madonna]