Jump

I have a thing for young men. Teenagers to be specific; I like the soft skin, the naivité, the eagerness. Once I kind of fell for one of those, but that's history. But truth be told adolescence is not something I like to deal with nowadays; when the teenager isn't kissing me or trying to rip my clothes off he just bores me.

Well you might say I'm being presumptuous, after all I'm just 19. But when I was 17 I was trying too hard to be oh so mature, that somehow I learned earlier that trying wouldn't exactly work if I didn't have the tools to be so. When I was younger I liked to think I was "an old mind trapped in a young body." Today I see that all I was was a boy wanting desperately to pose as a man. I'm not saying I'm a grown man now, heaven forbid, but I'm done with posing. I've changed, I know I grew up from back then to now. The best part is that I'm aware of these changes; I won't be arrogant in saying I'm in total charge of them but I at least know they're happening and that they must happen.

So, one thing kinds of hits me to the nerves: when people don't get it; better saying: choose not to get it. I don't seek for people's aproval of what I've become or what I've decided to be, I just want them to let me be. I have these friends who recently have been telling me I've changed, but not in a good way [in their conception]. Well I agree I changed, I'm more careless about little trivial details of life, like do-they-still-care-about-me's and am-I-being-dissed-on-the-back's; I'm more conscious of who I am and what I want for myself; I'm more careful with my actions and words; I'm more sarcastic and bitter than before - that's a good thing in my world; I'm a bit more sociable; and at this moment I'm bored with this self-celebrating little list.

The thing is, when my friend found a link from my first blog [I won't link it, too embarassing!] escorted by an "emotional bill" I felt pissed. I'm pro evolution, I agree people have the right to change and grow up; once done you'll never go back to where you started, you might revisit feelings but there's no real trip to memoryland, you can only see the pictures you've taken when you lived that. The bill consisted in "do you still love us like when you said you did back then?" Honestly, I felt pissed about that kind of question. Love is a living thing, it changes and evolves and we have to accept it; G-d knows I love those people but why should I define it? Why should I label it as "strong like before" or "a bit weaker"?

My reply to her question was bitter and sarcastic. Maybe she'll laugh [I doubt], maybe she'll just feel more fucked up. In any case I'll keep on doing what I'm doing; as a non-teenager I refuse to play those games, as a not-yet-adult I just keep on embracing the shifts and turns life gives me.

"I'm not afraid of what I'll face

But I'm afraid to stay."

[Song: Let It Will Be - Madonna]