Lady Godiva

In the early Medieval she rode naked the streets of Conventry, being dessed only by her beautiful long brown hair; she did it so her husband would lower the opressive tolls imposed on his tenants. Legend has it that when she rode the town's main street, she ordered everyone to be inside their houses with all doors and windows shut. The demand was fulfilled, except by a tailor named Tom, who bore a hole in his shutters to look at the bare Lady Godiva. His punishment was blindness.

Well, I'm amazed by her because she did what no one could do during the dark times of the Middle Age, to soften the poor lives from Conventry. She sacrificed her image and dignity for the life of the peasants and impoverished people of the town.

Well... why am I Lady Godiva?

Suddenly I'm wondering if you-know-who is okay, if he's feeling alright; if he's not I wanna know why so I can help somehow... uhg I'm pathetic I wanna die. Nevermind my nonsense. Just mark my words: Lady Godiva will be good inspiration this month.

"While You Are Away..."

Well, Red and his friends are gone.

I tried to finish The 40-Year-Old Virgin that I was watching with him before they go, but both my sleepiness and the fact that it is just me and little Edith again made me sick. I went to bed, slept for four hours, ran back to the living-room to resume the Virgin, had a few laughs and started crying as soon as the awesome finale was over.

It's a cloudy day in Salvador, and I hate it like never before. I know it's no one's fault but mine for letting this go so astray. I totally lost track from when I started feeling this lonely; the apartment's silence is unbearable and the more I try to fill it with music and films, the more testified my loneliness gets. I don't seem to fit here anymore.

I miss human touch, conversing voices directed especially to me, intellectual and emotional intercourse. I miss having constant and daily friends. The Ho's the only close thing from that, but Universe didn't put us close enough for that matter.

So, risking to sound as corny as ever I can only say that Björk's lines in Unravel took a broader meaning after their departure: I don't miss one person only, but a whole thing that fulfilled me and I thought I could live without, friends.

[Song: Unravel - Björk]

Rehab

When my friend asked me if I was feeling any better, I instantly replied "no". I know I'm not supposed to feel enlightened and emotionally healed after my first session of therapy, no cancer is cured on the first day of chemo. But what surprised me was how quickly I replied that; the certainty that things weren't okay. Even on my darkest moments I'd procrastinate with a joke here and there, but at that moment I felt too tired even to be witty.

As the day went on I realized my heartbreak wasn't the only thing bugging me. The month is to end on the Wednesday [when I get money from dad] and I have only $20, that will be spent tomorrow with the cab to return from Maria Bethânia's show; which I'll have to milk from the icebergs of my current creativity to write an inspiring article about afterwards. I'm counting on the goddess to inspire me. But at this moment I just make Nina's words my own: I just lost the drive.

Heartbreak. [check]

Money trouble. [check]

Getting wet by filthy puddles on a rainy day. [check]

Empty house after a tiresome day. [check]

Uhg... I'm feeling like I hopelessly need a drink. Maybe I'm going to rehab too soon.

[Song: Bruised But Not Broken - Joss Stone]

"He'll Never Return It"

His hand rested on mine heavily, as the epitome of my fall: his words once again crushed my heart and I was the main one to be blamed. After all, I chose to be optimistic against all odds that told me otherwise.

He told me Friday night that he no longer saw me as a lover and all that rested was a friendship he really wanted to nurture. Well, friendship is awesome, but for me that was painful. The "just friends" factor is worst than the "reincarnated-ex" factor, when you are drowing in the lava. I told him everything I felt... since everything seemed lost I had to get all of that out of me. That's how my system works, I'd rather have a cancer from all my cigarettes than from the unspoken things. Once again he could've spared me a lot of affliction and pain by simply telling me that before he came. But I won't give into ego like in February, blaming him for things I've brought to myself on my own.

Oh and he came! I was reading a book and waiting for Vinicius, Naiara and Monada in front of a pub at this hype square in Rio Vermelho. I was excited to finally see people I cared so much about [and vice-versa], after a long time! Then Vinicius appeared before me, as hype and cool as only he can get. We hugged and when I turned around, there he was: Éder. Surprise!! I had no idea he was coming and uhg, I died when I saw him right there. My knees weakened, my hands sweated... like when your "heart comes undone, slowly unravels [... then] the devil collects it, with a grin". But none of that was showed, I played the coolest I could until the moment of being honest.

On the following day I could not hide my frustration and anger. The night before I spooned him, but it was all so wrong, I knew it... I still did it. Just like a drug you feel like you need but you just want it so badly you see nothing clearly. This is no drama-queening, but my heart ached with a pain I had never felt before, while my whole body felt as tired as a post marathon status. And I still felt like that all day long. I couldn't even speak directly to him and though I believe I had reasons [it's not easy to be dumped and exactly love the person right after it] I hurt myself even more for feeling bad about bitching. I ate like a beggar and shopped like Paris Hilton. Not to mention the million cigarettes I had until the Nave.

Last night as we all walked by the beach I finally told him I would try to be contented with what he could offer me, "even though I'm not used to it. But you must do something on your part, like not treating me weirdly just beacuse now you know I'm in love with you." So he took my arm and laced it with his. I know not how to describe what I felt. I just know it was not good... because it wasn't enough.

My heart was stolen, and...

[Song: Unravel - Björk]

Well...

...my heart's burned.
More on that later.
[Song: Dull Flame Of Desire - Björk]

Nervous Breakdown Part Deux

I'm aware that things only happen to us when we allow them; for that I'm feeling extremely guilty. Today I had a Literature exam but I didn't go. I didn't have the head and excitement to study for my favorite discipline and leaving the house intending to go to school is a daily strugle. I feel tired of everything and dropping Literature has been a permanent idea in my mind. No, I don't wanna be a lazy ass doing nothing better than writing for free on this blog and other sites. I want to live on that, writing and getting money with it. So, maybe Journalism is a better option for me [?].

This month I drowned myself in a pond of melancholy. I've been feeling lonely and hating myself for that, because I allowed it to happen. Like a genuine Brazillian I stuck to the bad side of things and saudade just fills me with this emptiness. Since cheap optimism beyond annoys me I totally ignore people's shallow words of get-outta-there-and-get-over; everyone's willing to give an opinion when you open up your heart, but the amount of useless sugestions that come just make me wear my biggest billionaire smile and pretend everything's alright. But that mask is so heavy... I'm exhausted.

Salvador that thrilled me even in my 1st dark month [March] became a big blur from where I wanna run away as fast as I can. Maybe it's my money trouble but if I had money I'd leave here every weekend anyway; anywhere, it could be anywhere. Especially Conquista. Just a while ago I talked to Alais about how much I miss real human touch; I always knew this was hard to get here [big city big problems] but it I didn't expect it to be so challenging. Took a bite bigger than what I could chew.

My cousins came up here to spend the week and their presence has been both an inner joy and pain. Joy because I'm having decent emotional and intellectual intercourse, but in a few days they'll be gone and I'll be back to solitude mode. So I keep counting the days to the semester's end when I'll be able to leave town and see other things and people that might revigorate me. Yes, trusting on external things to make you happy is dumb... but I'm just the dumbest of people at this moment.

[Song: Reason - Melanie C]

Nervous Breakdown

Chronic and unresolved grief [check]
Unemployment [check]
Academic problems [check]
Career burnout [check]
Social stress [check]

HUUURAAAAAY!!!

[Song: Wanderlust - Björk]

Depression Movies

Since it's only early May and I'm already broke to the point of prohibiting myself of leaving the house on the weekends until the end of the month, and to that you add the depression due to the romantic wave gotten on the last holiday [Brasil's Labor Day, last Tuesday], which is worst than a flu - since there's no real pain, - I decided to occupy my weekends with movies; after all they're part guilty on my monetary destruction [$211 to be specific - yup, I have no self-control].

By my accounts I have 57 titles in my cinemateca, aside the borrowed ones which I've got no idea which are, therefore I'll have a lot to watch. Last night I started with the wonderful classic Roman Holiday in homage to Audrey "G-d" Hepburn's bday. Still haven't decided which will be tonight's, but *turns O'Ren Ishii's voice on* "I promise right here and now" no movie won't be reviewd.

[Song: The Dull Flame Of Desire - Björk]

"You Don't Need Love..."

This song lines post tittle thing got me good.

Nina was kinda sick last night so I went to her house to make her company, and she became the second person, after the ho, to tell me just to give up. The ones who know me know I'm an unashamed quitter; I have no problem in giving up when it's convenient. This time should be... and it probably is.

Once more in my life I find myself facing a crossroad where things are unclear but maybe it's just me darkening my vision; or maybe not. Part of me screams déjà vu, another pleads for a little bit of faith; which of them is my self-sabotaging ego? That's where I stand.

Posts before I said emphatically about my cleverness in not letting old fantasies recuperate their way into the sun. You know what we think of people who are too sure; I judged myself too clever and overheard Isobel's moth's message. Very typical.

May will be a very introspective month... I'll try not to get too depressed in the meantime; even if my theme song this month is Possibly Maybe.

[Song: Don't Back Down - Saint Etienne]

Soft Like Me

Hey, do you wanna be

And don't you wanna be

Soft like me?

The best part of flirting is when you are totally cool about it. You know, you flirt you make your passes but fuck it if anything happens. Most of the times, I'm like that; last night I was like that. But instead of flirting around I foccused my aim in one target only. That, my friends, is testifying defeat. Well, sometimes not, but mostly you lead yourself to disappointments and deceptions.

Now's the shocking part: I'm not like that!!! Okay, I won't lie I'm a bit excited to make things work; but mostly I'm alright! Last night in Conquista I simply drove around town with my friends in the [unsuccessful] search of a nice party. However we had an awesome time; I was joyous and soft, simply moving from one thing to another with the only disposition of hanging out. Comment Guy was there and let's be honest here guys, I was thrilled that he was. Suddenly you know what I've been talking about.

Am I entering a very dangerous zone? Oh hell yeah of course! I cannot deny the moody days after February; but I believe that now I'm cooler about it, since most of my fantasies were torn two months ago I can say my eyes are more open now. But yes, it's a path filled with ambiguity and blasé moods. Count me in!!!!

[Song: Soft Like Me - Saint Etienne]

The Single Life

As much as I enjoy this new life of mine I'm starting to get a bit freaked out. I usually see people but to return to an empty home. I guess I'm starting to feel the single life badly. Maybe I miss my dad who always provided good conversation and quality time in doors, maybe I miss a house with sounds, sounds that don't concern to myself one and only. Maybe I'm missing Alais, the thought she's not exactly reachable anymore kind of hurts.

Thankfully next week I'm going to travel with my dad to the town where my cousin lives, Inhambupe. There'll be kids, maybe I'll feel okay for a while. But fucksake I'm just trying to blindfold; thing is I must occupy myself, I've been a week doing nothing; time to go back to school and keep my mind busy and out of drinks. Alcolism is only cool on celebrities.

[Song: Breathe - Kylie Minogue]

Being Blasé

I think my gaydar is broken.

Last weekend I was having drinks with my folks at this cool café and I [thought I] got flirtted by this cute British guy - Daniel. We talked and I gave him my number and email, and he invited me to go to the inn he was staying in the morrow because Caetano Veloso was going to be there. I was happy with the possibility of getting a hook-up, but it was the possibility of knowing Caetano in person that got me all excited about. On the following night we [Alais, Chasha - Alias's roomate - Nina and I] went to the inn and we met Mr. Veloso [I DIED!!]; afterwards we went to this cool place called Borracharia ["tire place" in Portuguese] to dance and make some scene. There I learned from Alais that Daniel wasn't gay.

Lucas 0 x 1 Cold Mean Universe.

Saturday I finally went to the party I was anticipating for a whole month: the Nave [Portuguese for ship]. Ha, it was marvelous! I caused a lot, danced like crazy and when the darling DJ played Hung Up I jumped on the stage with Alais and danced even more. Before it we got to dance with this group of unknowns [by me] and among them there was this cute thing; he was so pretty and danced so cooly I could not take my eyes of him. Afterwards Alais, me and him were dancing to this awesome rock beat and he said something in her ear, right after she formally introduced us. I glowed. But later, when I told her my interst for him she told he was not gay.

Lucas 0 x 2 Cold Mean Bitchy Motherfucker Son-Of-A-Bitch Cocksucker Universe.

I am confused. I know Universe is not to be blamed, the needy feeling this rut brings [aka ego] is the real fucker; so you know what, I decided to be blasé. I'm gradually de-crushing from Éder but this want of a guy beside me has been tripping me up; it's like I'm looking for a substitute to receive these feelings that got interrupted to flow. Therefore, in an attempt to stop confusion I'll occupy my head with other things, flirt the less possible and forget men. Men suck! I'll be asexual at least in the meantime I organize my life.

[Song: Move - Dreamgirls]

Romantically Lame

“If I kiss you where it’s sore? Will you feel better? Will you feel nothing at all?”

Funny, the other day I found a text I wrote more or less a year ago. It’s called “Drunk” in which I say about getting drunk to ease the pain. I loved coming across it because it’s a proof of my rut: I realized that from late Feb to March I get into a needy bitterness that is often triggered by heartbreak.

Back then I taped myself to a more dramatic soundtrack, read: Kylie’s Put Yourself In My Place and Drunk. This time I have extremes, both hurt of course but one is a bit romantically lame while the other is more moving on-ish.

Lame things first. Regina Spektor’s Better has been into my mind ever since I went back to Conquista to get the rest of my stuff. The quotation on the first paragraph is from it and this song has a little story. As you know January was a marvelous month for me; in one of my sunset viewings with The Cigarette Club I [now] remember starting to feel the sentiments I’m today willing to leave behind. Everybody [but Bel] was there; Eder was there. It was a lovely dusk with beautiful scenery, cute reencounters, cigarettes and flirtatious smiles. In Diego’s car Regina Spektor’s Fidelity started to play and I offered my CD that contained the Begin To Hope album [which was never returned till this date]; and there she was swaying one of the prettiest sunsets I’ve seen so far while certain things had their commencements.

The other song is Cardigans’ Erase/Rewind, which I posted about already. “Better” is romantic/lame [in a good way, I must point out] because it’s my masochism wanting to hold things that are probably expired. Although it’s not so simple to erase and rewind [I’d say it’s impossible without the help of Miss Alzheimer and Miss Lobotomy], Dido already testified that “it’s high time you left it there.” So I sing “Erase/Rewind” to try to wake up the strong independent Samantha Jones in me who just shakes the crap off and moves the line on. But instead, I think I can’t have him kissing where it’s sore, so I daydream and feed ego.

If in the end I decide to waste time and compare the situations [this and last year’s heartbreaks], I could say that last year I was in way better position. Because at least back then I was drunk. Note to self: buy booze Lucas.

[Song: Better – Regina Spektor]
[Song 2: Erase/Rewind – The Cardigans]

Mem Kuf Hey

"Esta semana encontramos a força emocional para se erguer depois do tropeço, para se levantar depois da queda, e para agüentar quando o caminho parecer insuportável."

As the hours to get the bus approached I could not help feeling this little anguish inside. Yesterday I had to come back to Conquista in order to fetch the rest of my stuff, my computer and my new TV; dad and I are travelling back tomorrow in the morning by car.

In my heart I was feeling this weight, this weird sensation of stumbling and going back to things I wish to let go. But, do I really? Everyone who knows me knows I am reasonable when it comes to facing [for real] the dramas; of course I do my scene I just can't help living a cinematic life but when time comes to face the facts I'm an iceberg. So now in my usual egocentric ramblings I wonder if things didn't let go because they simply can't right now or because I don't want them to. Being utterly honest: I still have hopes; which makes me even more pathetic and hopeless.

Madonna [kind of] said once about her 2003 X-Static Process song [from the American Life album]: "This song is about Jesus; about how we give men too much power; including Jesus. The more power we give to men the more fucked up we get [because we tend to lose ability to trust ourselves in order to worshiping an outside male figure]." I've come to terms that I gave too much power to this guy, placing him in such a high place on my standards. The problem now is not the guy himself being there, it's the things and sentiments he represents in my mind becoming a pattern to all my relations. Not his fault at all ["you brought this on yourself and it's high time you left it there"]. However, all this makes me remember a post I wrote four months ago. In it I said I wouldn't erase anything ["there is no such thing as regret"], but now I take it back. Sometimes I wish I could partially lobotomize myself to at least forget all the patterns and high standards I've incorporated and carry on with a daydreamless life.

Zohar tells us this week to pick ourselves up, clean the dirt and walk on. Pisces is often a bitch to make us fall, but it's up to us to fight against depression and getting up. I brough this on myself and it's high time I left it there.

[Song: Slide - Dido]

Boredom

"Yes, I said it's fine before
I don't think so no more
I said it's fine before
I've changed my mind
I take it back

Erase and rewind
'cause I've been changing my mind
I've changed my mind"

[Song: Erase/Rewind - The Cardigans]

PCless Life

What to do when you live in a house with no tv, no pc and no people?

No, I didn't try to kill myself, even though I almost did it last Sunday for not watching the Oscars if it weren't for Alais to come over and be company [yeah, big time DQ moment]!! But well... here's a quicky update post so you my lovely readers [I sound it like you are a lot] know I'm not dead.

College started. Big time confusion... public colleges are great, BUT they're the quintessence of disorganization. So I'm very lost and not excited to find things out. I hope things get along with time... I know they will.

Man, I need men!! No, not need but yeah you know what I mean. A house without PC AND TV... one tends to think a lot about things-slash-people one shouldn't. Actually all this boredom's being contrasted with cool happenings, like knowing cool people. I met today an old friend of mine at UFBA and met a very hip and famous girl from Salvador. All the prospects of parties have cheered me up a lot as well and honestly, I love having a social life. Lol... Now I'm Paris Hilton.

Well my dears, I think that's all... I miss blogging, and all the good people I read. I need my nerd life back.

[Song: Put Your Records On - Corine Baley Rae]

About Hope And Moving On

Today I went to the cinema alone, again. But this time I didn't feel like having anyone with me. I was okay by myself. I watched Nancy Meyers's The Holiday and although I felt a bit sick sometimes [about the movie and my current state of mind] I generelly liked it. The movie references were cute and G-d that Winslet woman is perfection! I even liked Cameron Diaz who is very over the top in the begining but ends up being also pleasant from the middle on [except for that cry scene that was hilarious, but it's not actually all of her fault, it's mostly the film's]. But what I mean to say is that this idiotic holiday romantic comedy, as the great portion of them, manages to fill a hopeless-romantic heart [yes, that would be me] with hope.

Last night I watched The House Of The Spirits and Streep's character talks about the relationship between the events. She means that everything's connected and happens for a reason. I surely knew The Holiday was not going to be a movie that would make me have orgasms about Meyers' filmmaking, I bought the ticket expecting to be bitchy and bitter about it; but in the end it did me good. I felt kind of invigorated with the feeling of hope. Please understand, I'm not talking about hope in having that romance back, just the hope that "the certainty of the continuity of life" brings. I'm only 19, I'm sure I'll have my heart broken several times in the path, so what's the point in feeling miserable when I know that that is a waste of time at this point of my life. I'll be travelling back to Salvador tomorrow at night and I hope to get life on my tracks again; it's not that hard I know, I've done that before and that's what we always do, isn't it?

[Song: Secret - Madonna]

Men With History

There's a Kabbalist saying that goes "you might be through with the past, but the past might not be through with you." In a society and era where everything happens so fast that you mostly don't have the time to breathe between an event and another, and the notion of time gets so confused that things that happened a while ago feels like an eternity, one might get entangled by the presence of the past in the present.

Almost a year ago I had a crush on a sixteen-year-old boy [those times are finally over] who I made out twice and was totally smitten about [nowdays I don't even know why]. I know it was mainly carnal, but I could tell he liked "my carnal"; days later he dumped me. Reason: a past affair came back from the dead and he decided to invest. Well, I hated the destiny's trick, I hated the fucker, but in the end I got over it.

You all who read this blog followed my sit-com worthy affair with "Comment guy". Comment guy! Lol, in my silly attempt to maintain myself detatched from sidekick feelings I tried to dress up a Holly Golightly behavior, giving him the Ho's and mine usual quirky nicknames, such as "comment guy" or "fuckface" [a fun word that is totally spoiled]. Foolish me ignored the fact that inside of me he already had a name, his own name [imagine this as the Kill Bill Vol. II scene when the Bride's name is revealed]: Éder.

So in our last date before I moved to Salvador I was kind of sick. My throat bitched on me again, but still he stayed with me, ignoring my probable sick breath; we kissed, we talked, we kissed again, we talked more. He offered me a column in his and his friends' fanzine about pop culture; he asked me to call him as I arrived there. Tell me, how not to fall? But that's exactly when things started to fall apart. When I arrived, I called and he never answered; it was like this for the whole week. As you know my brains decided to work over time and turned full creative mode on. Back to Conquista I called him and he said "things happened". Bingo! I had the answer to all my doubts about everything that went on the last week: the disappearance and all the implicating feelings. If you do not know yet, when someone you're having a romantic affair with tells you "things happened" in a sober-wannabe tone, be sure that those things are not good... for you!

This morning, almost 72 hours after that announcement with no more fuss and game details such as "dignity" I decided to call him. Uhg... it was somewhat ridiculous! He stuttered with a weak-ish voice but he finally said what I first thought when I heard the infamous line ["things happened"]: a past affair came back from the dead and he decided to invest. As for me, well I thanked my brains for imagining all the stupidest situations because I was able to tune up to my most stoic side and sounded serene and slightly cold. Of course it was all a bit awkward, because despite everything [?] we had, we never acted as if we needed to explain things to each other. But there he was making his speech, and here I was feeling relieved. I had my closure, I can move on.

And I will; but I won't be a hypocrite in saying I'm not angry or heartbroken. I love mystery, but suspense is just cruel and the level of suspense you make someone go through tells a lot of how much you care about this person. It proves once again the fact that we never know how much of our actions will affect other people, directly or not. After the call I felt angrier with myself for just at that moment being able to process/remember in my mind all the things I wished to say to him. Truth be told I wanted to bitch on him until he felt like shit, but in the end I'm glad I didn't; last thing I need now is another ego-trip. And things happened so quickly that I fell on time's trick. I felt like we were together for ages and we had a whole future ahead. But the same fast way things started between us, they ended with a casual encounter of his with the past, just fresh and raw like that.

I don't blame him for the things I felt in this period; yes he could have avoided all the painful suspense [I won't take that fault away from him] but the "painful" is addition of mine, I decided to come and investigate and face all the consequences that came along. He told me he was still a bit confused about everything [because this guy hurt him], sounding like "hey I'm not sure about this yet so stick around". But that's just not me, I'm not the type of guy who stands and waits for other people to make me happy; as you know I have no shame in casting dignity aside and going after what I want at the moment. Being utterly honest I was liking him, point in fact I think I still do, but I'll just carry on.

After all, why should I feel sad for what I never had?

[Song: The Power Of Good-Bye - Madonna]

This Is NO Good!

Today I went to the cinema alone; I LOVE going to the cinema alone, just me and my thoughts about the movie I'm watching. Not that I don't like company in the theatres, but I usually prefer my solitude.

Not today. As soon as I finished my cigarette and entered the mall I bought my ticket and got into the room, after buying my usual large Coke. The film was The Blood Diamond [meeeh!] and the most exciting things were the 3rd Spider-Man and the 5th Harry Potter trailers. As I got more and more bitter about the movie all I wished was someone with me. Someone I could share my bitterness with, someone to laugh with me at the silly things of the movie, someone I could do a quick comment about the performances or the screenplay. And you know, I'm not talking about a friend...

The thing is, in my pursuit of mind occupation I've watched movies. This morning I saw Boy George's marvelous musical Taboo, an outrageous and hilarious play about the 80's underground club culture; in the late afternoon I drove without direction and ended up in the mall to see The Blood Diamond and as soon as I got home I watched The House Of The Spirits, with G-d Meryl Streep and a delightful-to-watch Winona Ryder.

The thing in common between them? Lucas felt the loneliest of people. I hate when I get this romantic wave, especially after a long, fun and secure period of manless bitterness. It's funny how we complain the lack of romance in our lives and when we finally get it we want back the firstly-hated apathy. In the airheaded-hesitant-dunno-what-we-want bitches' defense I say: apathy hurts much less than unresponded romance.

I'll definitelly be more careful with the things I wish from now on. As a friend said tonight on MSN, the solution is becoming the quintessence of blasé.

[Song: Hung Up - Madonna]