"He'll Never Return It"

His hand rested on mine heavily, as the epitome of my fall: his words once again crushed my heart and I was the main one to be blamed. After all, I chose to be optimistic against all odds that told me otherwise.

He told me Friday night that he no longer saw me as a lover and all that rested was a friendship he really wanted to nurture. Well, friendship is awesome, but for me that was painful. The "just friends" factor is worst than the "reincarnated-ex" factor, when you are drowing in the lava. I told him everything I felt... since everything seemed lost I had to get all of that out of me. That's how my system works, I'd rather have a cancer from all my cigarettes than from the unspoken things. Once again he could've spared me a lot of affliction and pain by simply telling me that before he came. But I won't give into ego like in February, blaming him for things I've brought to myself on my own.

Oh and he came! I was reading a book and waiting for Vinicius, Naiara and Monada in front of a pub at this hype square in Rio Vermelho. I was excited to finally see people I cared so much about [and vice-versa], after a long time! Then Vinicius appeared before me, as hype and cool as only he can get. We hugged and when I turned around, there he was: Éder. Surprise!! I had no idea he was coming and uhg, I died when I saw him right there. My knees weakened, my hands sweated... like when your "heart comes undone, slowly unravels [... then] the devil collects it, with a grin". But none of that was showed, I played the coolest I could until the moment of being honest.

On the following day I could not hide my frustration and anger. The night before I spooned him, but it was all so wrong, I knew it... I still did it. Just like a drug you feel like you need but you just want it so badly you see nothing clearly. This is no drama-queening, but my heart ached with a pain I had never felt before, while my whole body felt as tired as a post marathon status. And I still felt like that all day long. I couldn't even speak directly to him and though I believe I had reasons [it's not easy to be dumped and exactly love the person right after it] I hurt myself even more for feeling bad about bitching. I ate like a beggar and shopped like Paris Hilton. Not to mention the million cigarettes I had until the Nave.

Last night as we all walked by the beach I finally told him I would try to be contented with what he could offer me, "even though I'm not used to it. But you must do something on your part, like not treating me weirdly just beacuse now you know I'm in love with you." So he took my arm and laced it with his. I know not how to describe what I felt. I just know it was not good... because it wasn't enough.

My heart was stolen, and...

[Song: Unravel - Björk]