Nervous Breakdown Part Deux

I'm aware that things only happen to us when we allow them; for that I'm feeling extremely guilty. Today I had a Literature exam but I didn't go. I didn't have the head and excitement to study for my favorite discipline and leaving the house intending to go to school is a daily strugle. I feel tired of everything and dropping Literature has been a permanent idea in my mind. No, I don't wanna be a lazy ass doing nothing better than writing for free on this blog and other sites. I want to live on that, writing and getting money with it. So, maybe Journalism is a better option for me [?].

This month I drowned myself in a pond of melancholy. I've been feeling lonely and hating myself for that, because I allowed it to happen. Like a genuine Brazillian I stuck to the bad side of things and saudade just fills me with this emptiness. Since cheap optimism beyond annoys me I totally ignore people's shallow words of get-outta-there-and-get-over; everyone's willing to give an opinion when you open up your heart, but the amount of useless sugestions that come just make me wear my biggest billionaire smile and pretend everything's alright. But that mask is so heavy... I'm exhausted.

Salvador that thrilled me even in my 1st dark month [March] became a big blur from where I wanna run away as fast as I can. Maybe it's my money trouble but if I had money I'd leave here every weekend anyway; anywhere, it could be anywhere. Especially Conquista. Just a while ago I talked to Alais about how much I miss real human touch; I always knew this was hard to get here [big city big problems] but it I didn't expect it to be so challenging. Took a bite bigger than what I could chew.

My cousins came up here to spend the week and their presence has been both an inner joy and pain. Joy because I'm having decent emotional and intellectual intercourse, but in a few days they'll be gone and I'll be back to solitude mode. So I keep counting the days to the semester's end when I'll be able to leave town and see other things and people that might revigorate me. Yes, trusting on external things to make you happy is dumb... but I'm just the dumbest of people at this moment.

[Song: Reason - Melanie C]