Saint Anthony's Day

In Brasil its our equivalent to the North American/European's Valentine's Day.

The ho and I always kid that will do all the old spells people here like to do in this time of the year to catch a boyfriend; stuff like hanging the saint's image upside down in a closet until he gets us a boyfriend.

As usual I get majorly bitter at this date and this year is no exception. However I feel I'm more relaxed and most of my bitterness is just for the sake and the fun of being so. Not even horny I am today. Actually I just feel a little bit sick but it has nothing to do with the date, because I don't give a shit about V-Days. lol A holiday less to spend money on.

Me and my other single friends went to the mall to have some beers but I before we had a joint that left me worst than I was so I simply wanted to go home and shove myself into blankets. That gave me reason to be really bitter - although people insisted it was because of the day. But in the end, who cares about having a bf when I can have crushes as gorgeous as them:

[Song: Great DJ - The Ting Tings]

Buy A Dog...

Cos even when he snarls at you he'll never refuse a caress or a kiss of yours.
*bitter bitch mode on*

My Celluloid Women

Here are the top 6 movie women that made my year marvelous in different ways.

6. Anna Scott [Julia Roberts - Notting Hill]

There she is, the greatest star in the world; maybe the face we all can't forget. And out of nowhere she gets in an unattractive travelbooks shop and lives are changed. This marvelous modern Cinderella story made me cry unashamedly on some of the darkest days of the year. Roberts' performance was both heartbreaking and lightful, portraying the poor celebrity with marvelous dignity. If in the past I felt more like Hugh Grant's character, today I'd be definitely Miss Scott - hyped but unloved. The beauty of the movie lies on the feeling of possibility that fills the air as you watch it. As Björk would say "all is full of love... your doors are shut."

5. Regina George [Rachel McAdams - Mean Girls]

"This girl is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut!"

Those who had seen the movie know what I'm talking about. But for the newbies I'd start with "Regina George is flawless", not because she really is, but because she knows she is and parades it! From all the evil self-indulgent bitches out there, Regina George is the most fun of them. With a notable beauty she goes beyond the hot shallow High School queen, becoming an archetype of a human phase. Of course there is some exaggeration on Tina Fey's genius script, but this girl is real, she's everywhere and [believe it or not] on every age field.

Of course that most of Regina's charm is due to McAdams's performance; you can see she's having the time of her life as the blonde adolescent who thinks she's the cherry on the top of the sundae. Her jargons and laidback confidence match adoringly with her [mostly] subtle meanness. As Janis says "she's a life ruiner", but as Cady says "she's like de Barbie doll I never had."

4. Elle Woods [Reese Witherspoon - Legally Blonde]

The best quality of Elle Woods is that she is good! "She may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag"... but wait a minute, that's the #5! Elle Woods is GOOD!! She's sweet, helpful, devoted and hardworker. That's why you totally don't understand why that ugly-piece-of-shit Warner Huntington III breaks up with her. "You're breaking up with me because I'm too blonde?"

Further on we end up reassuring ourselves that breaking up with Elle was the best thing Warner could do to her, because she then created one of the best icons of this century so far. The way her triviality is never judged and is actually sweetened makes you adore her right away and hate those who mistreat her.

Besides, she's a twisted feminist icon, funnily competing with Enid, the lesbian activist from the same film; although she follows the preppy blonde stereotype, she's the reinvention of the feminist one. But above a feminist, Elle is a humanist! The best thing I learned with her was to have faith in people. As she'd say "you might be surprised."

3. Miranda Priestley [Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada]
"Do you know why I hired you? I always hire the same girl- stylish, slender, of course... worships the magazine. But so often, they turn out to be- I don't know- disappointing and, um... stupid. So you, with that impressive résumé and the big speech about your so-called work ethic- I, um- I thought you would be different. I said to myself, go ahead. Take a chance. Hire the smart, fat girl. I had hope. My God. I live on it. Anyway, you ended up disappointing me more than, um- more than any of the other silly girls."
That's the worst thing you could hear from you boss right? Yup, we agree and there'll be no punchline here. Alright, I'm kidding! All I have to say is that no one could've said those lines better than La Streep with her Oscar-worthy performance as the most evil of the bitches: Miranda Priestley.
I'd say that she and Regina George are my favorite movie bitches, but what makes Miranda #1 is the fact that she's got reasons to be how she is; George is just a conceited teenager that is funny, hence we love her. But Miranda uses her meanness to keep herself where she is, on the top; and if she were a man everyone would say she's just doing her job, as Andy would say to defend her. The thing is that, despite the headeater behaviour, Priestley is a fine and perfect example of the modern executive women; and since we're keen to feminism, she's highly praised. That's all.
2. Lizzie Bennet [Keira Knightley - Pride & Prejudice]
Okay, I've written a million posts about this film and my Lizzie Bennet adoration. So, I'll limit myself in saying that the second Miss Bennet is still my favorite female character and that Keira is my favorite this-generation actress. I'm so damn happy she's got a Globe nod; I don't think she'll get an Oscar one, but I'm sure we'll have delicious red carpet moments!!
1. Bridget Jones [Renée Zellweger - Bridget Jones's Diary]
"Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs... Dad... Hi."
I loved talking about my Bridget devotion. But right now I lack inspiration! This year I've become her by drinking vodka at home and mourning the broken heart with tearjerking songs. But indeed I've said so much about Bridge that I'll just leave it for the ho this time.
"So beyond good and evil with me, that now I'm careless about being a spinster and a lunatic, if my life can be carried with at least half the joi de vivre with which Bridget carries hers. It also left me craving a snow filled make out session."
"Whenever I'm having a rainy day, it instantly makes me feel better."
"Behold as Renee Zellweger creates a cultural icon."
[Song: The Weather - Patrick Wolf]

"You Can Be Henry Miller And I'll Be Anaïs Nin"

As Miss Feist has been telling to my years lately "the saddest part of a brokenheart isn't the ending as much as the start."

It's very cliché to be all melancholic after your heart is broken, and I can't even say if mine actually is, but once the "feeling of possibility" is dead you have to figure out ways to cope with that loss... because even if most of its existence was only in your head, it's still another thing of yours you'll not have anymore.

So on the last two days I've been on my bitchiest mode ever since comment guy, and guess why... a guy. There were no despressive period this time, because once I saw I was still able to leave the danger zone I made my path backwards. Hence the bitchiness. I realized that being bitchy towards the source of my afflictions is a good way to impose myself to myself. Being blasé keeps me from wondering of shoulda woulda couldas.

Last night it was clear to him I was particularly bitchy with him. He asked me why today... I obviously was evasive and said that it would soon be gone. Well, that is true... but why sheding my pride by being utterly honest and exposing even more my weakiness? Falling for an ideal - a wishful thinking - is very beautiful in arts, but in real life is tiresome. Playing the bitch with a good friend because you wrongly fell for him isn't exactly my ideal of pleasure, but for now it's necessary and it's being done.

Today's mood is better than the last days', but I don't know how long will the bitch mode will last. After he asked I offered him a Feist song, When I Was A Young Girl, and considering the lyrics it was an elegant bitchy move of me.

In the end I go back to the Feist's line from the post-top and think there's no better words to describe the silly state of mind I'm in lately. I feel like giving up on romance... surely this won't last forever, but for now I'm just feeling tired. Once again...

[Song: Let It Die - Feist]

8 Things

Soooo... I got tagged to this meme by J.D. from Joe's Movie Corner, which came in a good time because there are a few things from the last couple days that I wished to blog about, so... meh let's get it started at once.

THE RULES

1. All right, here are the rules.

2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.

3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

4. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

5. At the end of your blog, you need to name eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

THE THINGS

1. Yesterday [the 10th] was Red's birthday. I called him in the morning with my usual bitchy/sarcastic tone to wish him happiness, blablabla and ask him out for the night. He kinda played the blasé [at least he sounded as such], but I didn't blow on the wind of his ego flame this time. At night, Purki and I took him from his course and we headed to the café for a hang out. Thing is that I've seen him little ever since I got back here; he's been home mostly and refusing our going out calls, and I'm simply not insisting so much, because of self-protection and also for not "blowing on the wind".

But tonight as I looked at him across the table, I finally felt free. I realized that all the terrible feelings I nurtured towards him the last couple months were suddenly gone. I feel like I completed the seemingly impossible task of collecting myself back together. As I said, free.

2. The day before yesterday I told Purki to spend the next six months at my house in Salvador if the college thing didn't work out. So, confession time: I got a bit more excited than the normal with the idea. Cold shower: the college thing worked out. I'm happy for him, but it'd be cool to have him there for some months.

3. I had Ecstasy at the rave party I went last weekend. It was a quarter of it actually and the effect took hours to come because I had swallowed it, instead of sucking. It came and lasted less than an hour; I got oversensitized, saw the colors even brighter like fire and the music waves throbbed on my skin in a way I cannot describe. I won't lie, it felt amazing.

4. Ever since I got here I've been smoking less. I'm not allowed to smoke in the house and I'm too lazy to go out all the time to smoke, besides I'm avoiding smoking around dad so I don't have to listen to preaching.

5. I realized that day by day my bitterness is becoming a more honest thing. You see, before I used to pretend I was okay about something just not to hurt people; but that usually led me to bitterness and stress. Recently I realized that I'm letting clear what I find amusing or not, funny or not, interesting or not. Not that I'm a total bitch; just half one.

6. When I was a kid I used to be alone a lot, staging at-the-moment invented plays for invisible audiences. The plots were usually about romance, or some crazy and wild adventure with monsters, bullies and loads of magic. I was always very shy so nobody ever knew about my solitary diversions; but now that you know, can you see anything else for me than the artistic career, whether writing or acting?

7. I love the fact that I can be trully drama-queenish sometimes. I realized early in life that if you assume the wound and embrace it to the point of letting it hurt and bleed till its exhaustion, one moment you'll get used to it and it'll stop hurting.

I'm reading this book about a woman who, in a year, travels to Italy, India and Indonesia in the search for everything in life; in a certain chapter she describes the vipassana meditation in which you stay hours in the same position without moving, no matter how uncomfortable your body might get during the period.

The metaphor is that in life we are always jumping like monkeys, trying to run away from the uncomfortable and the pain; but we forget that every little thing in our lives happens for a reason and are there to be understood and pondered. By acknowledging the hurt and letting it be, instead of look for desperatre measures to cover it, we learn how to deal with it; better: we push our limits further.

8. I'm a really slow reader and hate that. But I guess it's just how I am so I'm through with trying to read faster. Whenever I try I get lost and understand nothing from what I've read.

And I tag:

Alea Toria Est

Desavergonhada

Like A Blogger

Misconcepciones De La Mente Humana

Rasgando As Vestes De Elena Bennet

Sem Papel

The Dark Girl's Rhyme

The Ho

[Song: Hyper-Ballad - Björk]

Life In Portuguese

Well, you know I'm from Brasil. Therefore my natural language is Portuguese; but since I'm an americanized unpatriot bitch I'd rather write in English or any other language.

But now in the search of new linguistics horizons [yeah right!] I decided to write in Port as well! Nope, Life's A Bitch will remain as it is but now, Portuguese speakers lazy enough to read in English or if you wanna learn some good Portuguese, just go to my new blog: Cigarettes And Dance Floors. It's Life's A Bitch, but in Port.

The blogs will be independent from each other, but of course that sometimes there will be some thematic links between one another.

[Song: Take Me Home (A Girl Like Me) - Sophie Ellis-Bextor]

Caêêêêêêê!!!

Caêêêêêêê!!!
Caêêêêêêê!!!
Caêêêêêêê!!!
I'm leaving to his show in 5.
Plan: get him by the back!!
Caetano venimiiiiim!!
Wish me luck! riseeees...
[Song: Rocks - Caetano Veloso]

Okay...

... I said I wasn't gonna do it, but fuck it whatever!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!
[Song: Ray Of Light - Madonna]

Uhh...

All I want is someone who doesn't stop!! Never stop till the end... if you know what I mean! Doesn't let me get warm! Oh and orphan...

That's all!

[Song: Hyper-Ballad - Björk]

Oh Itacaré...

... now that I'm back to dull Conquista I'm sure gonna miss Itacaré. All about it.

Okay not all...

Of course I won't miss the naughty unwanted morning rains...

the camping tents with holes...

the camping!!! [Uhg how I love my bed! Or any other soft and smooth one!]...

the icky camping neighbours...

the cell phone thieves...

the annoying reggae music...

the fact that it was impossible to have clean feet there...

the fact that it was impossible to have decent hair there...

But uhg all those gringos...

the summer feeling...

the beaches with that thin sand that makes the most delicious and relaxing sound when you step on it [a mix of chain-clang and dry cloth on semi-wet glass]...

the delightful brunches at Caramelo...

the hot German from brunch time that I'm sure was gay but way out of my league...

the heat [!]...

the crazy summer friends I'll never meet again [not the same way and with the same beach-mood]...

the mojitos...

the guiltless cigarettes..

the drunken and high evenings...

the pot [yes the pot!]...

the Prada...

the humos...

the fried egg-plant...

the hot Isreali...

the cosmopolitan-esque restaurants...

all of these things and some other more I can't think of right now will be missed and willing to be repeated.

[Song: How We Used To Live - Saint Etienne]

The Hosie

I was bored and wanted to blog so he told me to blog about him. So I'll write a poem:

He loves to say the word cum
Because the amount of what we have of that
is none
Whenever Lucas is fucked up he knows
Josesito will always be there to blow
Not that you dirty dumbasses I mean
He's the one that makes me happy and grin
He loves portuguese and plans
To change his name to Joaninho Vatapasinho Hosie-ann
That because he thinks it's fun
to add the inho to the end of words
But beyond all the craziness and quirkiness
I love him dearly because he's me
and I am him
We get obsessed about aussies, lots of things
And even like to synch
the music we love, not everyone knows how to do this
He's my ideal man but I'll never do him
Because his vagina smells like green juices
I love how he makes me laugh
His crankiness and bitterness makes me glad
Not that I'm Nora Dinsmoor or whatever
It's cuz I also get like that
And then we get at our most sarcastic
Poor of those we decide to bitch about
Hosinho says I turned him into a pooper
Well if he'd heard me before Jacqueline wouldn't've come so sooner
Yeah you have no idea who Jacky is
But unfortunatelly I can't tell you more about this
You can be sure you'd love to hear
Every story from this man is better than beer
He taught me 'bout the Oscars, turned me into a film-freak
We'll write a letter-bomb and send to Clint
I also thank him for my sass and my spirituality
We love to do scenes on the webcam
We do Mammy, Bri, Vogue, Live To Tell on crosses till we cum
There you go thinking Jack nasty again
We never cyber cuz it's dirty we just laugh our asses of
and poses
And "put your hand on your heart" if you now know who I mean
We love her camp her hips and perfect bliss
Of course he annoys me with that cancer woohoo
But we love her to death we want her dancers her feathers
Kylie is the showgirl queen
Madge brought us together I thank her
Cuz life I know now is way better
Hosinho will be in mine forever and ever
Happy Christmas everyone
I asked for Santa
That the boyfriend he brings me is like
My Josesinho Santana*

*yeah, that's the only word I could think of that rhymed with Santa, don't judge me. u.u

Aaaaaaaaaaand, he did one for me too: sing it a la Vogue and laugh your asses off.

[Song: Better The Devil You Know - Kylie Minogue (Hosie and I's Xtmas song)]

The Lunch Out

Seriously, my timing must have been really damaged; I chose the worst moment to come out of the closet for my mom.

She arrived here last night with the intention to kill the "saudade" and have a talk with my sister about her school. When she sent the email telling me she was coming and staying at my house [my father's house] I sensed a fear growing inside me; maybe there lies one of my mistake: even before the woman arrives I am already picturing horrible arguments between her and my father. According not only to Kabbalah but to every Eastern philosophy-or-religion and the Western ones that incorporated the former, there is a circle of energy around us and it affects the environment and the living beings around us. So when she arrived there was this awe in disguise in the way I was acting that I can't say now whether I was already sensing an eminent fight between us or if this have provoked it.

Earlier today there were some fights between her, my dad and my sister and I tried the most to stay out of them, having a considerable success. My dad left the house and we went to the mall to have lunch; I tried to put the latest dramas aside and enjoy the last hours we had together [she anticipated her bus ticket for tonight] but I succumbed to ego and remained distant. Until she said:

"All you see now on TV, on the novelas are gays and lesbians. It's so disgusting!"

My eyes opened widely in some kind of shock, right at that moment I was thinking if I should tell her about me! And to hear such homophobic statement was... well it was definitely not supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. And there I lost control, I said that everything that was being shown was great and it was about time that the media showed it as a normal thing because there were homossexuals in the world and they were as normal as everyone else, making clear that I thought her remark as prejudiceful and homophic as I'd never have expected from her.

She declared she was okay about homossexuality because she had relatives and knew a lot of people that were, but she didn't endorse all the promiscuity, drugs, shocking behaviors etc that supposedly came along with queeness; besides for a parent it was hard because he/she would never really accept it, no matter how open minded the parent was. Well, I still don't know how I should have felt at that moment, but I know I felt offended and when she asked me why [for the third time] I stormed out:

"Because I am! And those comments really bothered me especially coming from you."

"You are what?"

"I'm homossexual, or are you going to tell me you didn't know?" [This was the moment my petulance was more than evident and I started to hate myself.]

I gave a glance at my sister that was by my right side, morbidly curious if I was getting from her the same shocked countenance I was getting from my mom; I wasn't, so I got back to my lasagna as mother cried and said how bitchy and insensitive of me to tell her such thing that way. I agreed; I definitely wasn't planing to reveal myself that way and was [am] majorly disappointed at myself to have done as such. But what was done was done and I could not take everything back anymore.

She said a lot of more stuff I tuned down in my head, got up and left; I looked at my sister and told her to go after her, I remained sat and thought about everything, loathing myself for the lack of self control as I waited for a very caloric and sweet petit gâteau. A minute after I ordered it, my sister calls me on the cell; I went to where she told me to and there she was, my mom fainted on a shoe store's couch! Yeah, you may laugh ho, if there weren't so much people surrounding I would've laughed myself at the whole soap operaesque situation we were going through.

We took her to the hospital and the doctor said she was only stressed out due to the discussion and her blood pressure lowered. I called my dad to pick us up and he dared to ask "do I really have to go?" which made me pissed, but what made me ultra pissed was that he never made it! We took a ride with some friends that were there and as soon as we stepped into the house, my father called inquiring why we weren't there at the hospital anymore.

Back when we arrived at the hospital, Universe managed to give us [or at least me] a message: the place was in uproar due to a car wreck that had just happened; the cab-driver and I carried my mom in and there were no beds to accomodate her; a nurse found us a wheel chair and the driver went away. When my sister and I carried my mom out, some of the relatives and friends from the people involved in the accident were there anxiously waiting for further information. Among them there was a cute guy I used to flirt with whenever I saw him and he was so clearly frightened that I felt as normal as I should feel; that comforted me with the fact our drama was nothing compared to those people's.

What is it? Growing up?

[Song: Turn Into Love - Kylie Minogue]

Ouch!

"Passive-aggressive behaviour refers to passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to authoritative instructions in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as resentment, stubborness, procrastination, sulleness, or intentional failure at doing requested tasks. For example, people who are passive-aggressive might take so long to get ready for a party they do not wish to attend that the party is nearly over by the time they arrive."´

The worst thing is that after you know it, there's an implicit obligation that you should change. But how to avoid such slickly behavior?

The whole premise of this blog is my bitchiness and you know what, I like it!! I like being bitter sometimes and mostly sarcastic; we all complain about life and I just decided to laugh on my craps. Surely I use sarcasm at any other occasion, with any other person, whenever I can; but honestly it's not like I'm totally oblivious about the differences of situations and act like a totally self-unconscious person. But yeah I do it.

The kid who said he was in love with me received my finest skepticism; not that he knows of my real reactions, but see that's it! Ego interferes in how I show my feelings and real thoughts to people or not. The pleasing disease.

So Lucas, let's try different approaches. Instead of smiling and nodding demonstrate you're not satisfied with certain things; instead of making up excuses tell the truth; don't play half-words games say what you mean, mean what you say; don't keep the negative emotions, express anger in a positive way and it doesn't include billionaire smiles, cleaning the house, smoking, sniffing, drinking, masturbation, etc etc; yell if you feel like yelling, but not beyond the limit between self-expressions and rudeness: watch your ego!

Note-to-self: Be real, keep it real. But please, don't forget to have our wry and bitter sarcastic fun from time to time.

Note-to-ho: I wrote it down so we wouldn't forget. Lol!

[Song: Vogue (RIT - Studio Version) - Madonna]

Bitchy Post

I have a special request, that those who don't have anything to add, please shut the fuck up!
That's all.
[Song: Almost A Lover - Kylie Minogue]

Je Suis Le Bitch

I deleted the kid last night. He was hitting my nerves with some idiotic immature crap, so goodbye. Today he messaged me with this ultra dramatic request to take him back.

Well, I laughed my ass off!!! Come on!! It was on caps lock and RED!!! But in the end I agreed to add him back and see what happens. I'm not buying his crap of love anymore, but I want to do him. So, what-fucking-ever!

[Song: Better The Devil You Know - Kylie "G-d" Minogue]

The Thrill Is Dry

Alright I admit, I want a romance; I want someone to share intimacy. So why's it so hard to accept the possibility that it is happening?

Couple weeks ago this kid [17] added me on Orkut. I have a crush on every cute teenager that says hi to me and this was actually wanting to know me, so do the math. He's a cute-pie with silly smile, yummy lips and perfect teeth, totally my type of kid [I must add: perfect skin!]; but suddenly he turned to me and said "I'm in love with you"!

Yeah I gasped too, or I laughed I don't recall... I probably laughed. And then started the tormenta between this kid and me and me and myself. Why couldn't I believe him? Well, for the obvious: his a silly teenager who takes desperate plunges on every thrill that crosses his way; he doesn't know me and my little bitchinesses, I bet when he knows them he'll run away on the other direction after, of course, staying long enough to make me want him.

But as I ponder I realize that I'm from a generation that preaches free love but still doesn't believe in love. Here I come using my new favorite word [that happens to be me most of the times]: cynical. The sexual liberation was great and all that but we became a bunch of cynics, unbelievers. We just believe someone when he wants to fuck us and there we go chanting all the forms of loving, when we can't even accept that. Who am I to judge this kid's feelings, if they're true or not? Who am I to judge anyone's feelings?

Well, turned out I was right: this kid's pretty fucked up; but yeah that's not the point! What the fuck, Lucas wants romance but will he keep turning his back against it? When we're teenagers we keep waiting for the next thrill to dive deep [maybe that's why I feel attracted to that naivité], but as we grow up we don't anymore believe in the thrill but stupidly keep waiting for it!

So how will I answer my initial question? Who knows! Something tells me I'll keep ignoring signs and possible romances until I'm able to let go of myself. And that my friend, I'm not so sure if I want to do. I don't need romance anyway...

[Song: Lovin' You - Kylie Minogue]

Snob

I can't tell exactly when it started, but I can declare myself today an outsider. But not the type everyone dishes out of the party, the one that simply doesn't attend to the party because he's sure there'll be nothing there to add to his self. But with all the acknowledgement of different personalities and "acceptance" of multi-cultural human beings, isn't this kind of behavior plain stupid? Being a self-proclaimed outsider isn't just a proof of snobbery? What if high standards is nowadyas synonym of prejudice?

All these questions exploded in my head during this evening's class. I hate going there not only because the superficiality of the teaching, but also from the people's mentality. Most of my classmates are silly teenagers who still have no idea of what they want for their lives or post teenagers, like me, who also don't know what they want for their lives, like... me!

Suddenly I realized I still don't know what I want! Oh well, not so dramatic like that. The thing is that I am not so sure if the steps I'm taking are the right ones to take me to where I want to be. All I know right now is that I want to move to Salvador and... that's all. That's all I know so far.

So now, realizing that I don't know quite yet what I want, doesn't that make me as lost and stupid like my classmates?

The only idea that crosses my head at the moment is: "don't judge motherfucker!" I admit I am a snob in several fields of life. I'm a political snob, a music snob, a film snob, a book snob; all of that of course makes my snobbish mind working over time by labeling and judging people. If the party isn't formed by people who don't at least have an idea who Jane Fonda is or who Stanley Kubrick was, I simply stay home with my computer, books and films. At least they don't make my stomach squirm.

Then, instead of separating them in the best nazi-style that my ego loves, I should start thinking them as people who simply have different ideals and tastes from mine. Because certainly my geeky, political aware and pop-culture obsessed conversation must be hellish boring for them. Not that I care about that, but I certainly shouldn't care about pointing them my finger...

[Song: My Love - Justin Timberlake featuring T.I.]

Get Together

On Saturday, after a rain that seemed to be sweeping the whole town and a lonesome kind-of-depressing pizza I decided I should go out. And I went to Opera [of course].

Due to the rain and a concert that was happening on the other side of the town, the club was kinda empty, which was kinda good, cause I danced my ass off ALL OVER the dancefloor!!! Lol, okay, I'm overreacting, I danced my way and in my space like always... [Yeah, right!] Funny thing was that two guys came on to me and I dumped both, very politely and ladylike, ok ho!

Then later, after the drag-queen [yuk] show I spotted a cute guy and went to the dancefloor to do my "average dance routine" in front of him, and guess what was playing!! GET TOGETHER!!! Was I happy? Sure!! So an emo went to the guy I was wanting but he backed him off so that was my chance. I approached him and asked if he was alone and he said "yeah"! So when I looked straight at his face it hit me: "Oh my G-d!! It's the cute guy from three weeks ago!! The impressive instant one!!!" What were the odds? I mean... twas my last Saturday in town and I met HIM!!!

This time I asked his name, Thiago, and again asked what should we do [casting my silly-sexy looks]; he led me to another corner from the dancefloor and kissed me. And it was.......... not good. It felt awkward, out of place and not focused. He stopped and I asked what was wrong [asking, always asking!]. He muttered some words I could not get and took me back to the backyard [the club is like a house]. There again he kissed me and there again it did not fit. Uhg, where was the impressive instant? I was already kicking myself for idealizing things again when he looked around as if watching our backs, stared at me and said "okay, now it'll work!"

Well, Lucas trusted and... bang!! His drum crushed me!! No, his kiss dazed me! I was suddenly breathless and more than excited. His arms laced my waist as mine would lace his neck. We fit perfectly and oh G-d he was intense! Then he started touching me and saying I was hot [which was very ego pleasing by the way... LOL!!] until he started to dare more. His hands would find his way into my pants and I got a bit scared for we weren't exactly alone in the place... but you know what? Fuck it! I went with the flow!

So, the energy was so hot and so intense that I broke my rule and we went into the dark-room. There he dared even more... he went down on me and... well, yeah! But before that a guy... nah, a fairy-queene broke into the room [which was empty except for us], looked fiercely at us and went away. I laughed and felt somewhat ashamed... I realized I like privacy a lot.

After we "finished" we went out and sat at a bench. I told him I was going away on Monday and he said he was trully sorry because he absolutely wanted to meet me again. I felt very fuzzy inside and also wanted to meet him again, he was definitely a gas. So, he tried to take a pic of me with his phone [my hair was dreadful so I didn't let him and the light, thankfully, didn't help] and I decided to give him my number. When I took his cell to give it to him the fairy-queene appears again. And with his very affected voice he called Thiago. Thiago told him to come to us but then he yelled at him telling him to go there. I started to laugh inside and he went.

The fairy-queene then screamed "will you come to say goodbye to your BOYFRIEND?!" And looked bitterly at me... and I laughed, this time outside. Thiago said something and came to me. The thing is, that emo guy who Thiago dumped earlier during Get Together was the same emo from that earlier week, who happened to be his boyfriend. Right before he, the fairy-queene, come and make such scene, he was telling me that their relationship was over due to the emo's jealousy and insecurity [this last one added by me], so I didn't feel any used or weird or whatever to learn that the emo was still attached to him.

I actually found all that really funny. I hate people who don't have the guts to do things their own and tell friends to do for them. The two guys I dumped earlier never came directly to me, always asked the queeny talkative friend to ask my name and number. So the emo ex didn't get my respect at all, even if tonight he looked a bit cuter. When Thiago came closer to me I was still typing my name in his phone; the queene came with him and very bitchy asked me if I had two cellulars. I, very politely again, looked at him with the most cynical of eyes and answered "no, just one" and smiled, of course. I finished typing and handed Thiago his phone, but the primadona took it from my hand. I, smelling trouble, got up said "good night folks" but before I leave I went to Thiago and kissed him at the cheek with the brightest of grins and left.

With a huge afterglow I said goodbye to the hot bartender and paid my bill. As I walked home the bitchy-queene and the emo left the club too. Okay, I admit I was afraid they'd come after me. Not afraid of having my ass kicked by two fags, but the whole confusion itself... I wouldn't lower myself that way. I watched my back and the bitchy yelled "and you better not look at me!" I, well, laughed my ass off and went home very gleeful and excited. It was THE night.

-----------------------

Last night, Sunday, I went to this pub I love as some sort of goodbye party. Most of my friends were there: Nathalia, Juliana, Filipe, Marilia and her fiancé, and Fernanda. Cintia, Nadia and Mariane [I don't remember exactly her name] passed by to wish me good trip and luck.

I had my favorite drinks [Tequila, Marguerita and Vodka] and felt sad when Fer started to cry. I, however, didn't cry. Actually I dried up, I wasn't feeling marvelous but I could neither show any emotion. I still can't say if it was because of the alcohol or simply because I'm very decided about what I'm doing... or maybe I'm just becoming insensitive.

[Song: Erotica/You Thrill Me - Madonna]

Runaway Lover

I went to the Opera Club again. The plan was to go with Nathalia, but the bitch blew me off again, so I went alone again. When I arrived the music wasn't exciting as expected, so I remained on the dancefloor but leaned on the wall, until they played My Humps [needless to say it was a crappy remix] and this overweighted dude with a creepy goatee asked me "don't you dance?" I gave him my bitchiest look and said "no" but started to move my hips right after. Uhg... I'm evil!

There I was dacing solo and really having my fun when I see the "old japanese" from last week! I ignored him but he kept surrounding me like the other time. It wasn't once that I could spot him checking me out. I teased!! Shook around giving my naughty and cute smiles, always biting my lower lip. Until I got bored again and sat down on a chair outside. It wasn't long when he came towards me, but passed by me and stood next to the back door, therefore, close to me.

Five minutes later he finally got the balls to come and talk to me. His name: Marcos; he's 20ish [I'd say 29 because he didn't want to tell me exaclty], he studied Management and was moving back to Marilia after couple years living and working in a nearby town. He held my hand and started to caress me... I smiled, my ego inflated so much as I kept teasing, giving him my sexy glances and naughty smiles. He came closer and closer until I let him kiss me. And it was.........

Okay. Just that: okay! His hands were too gentle and polite for my current state of mind. I wanted a hot man that got me hastily, threw me against the wall and took my breath away. Marcos was very polite and, well... japanese. He offered me a drink and I accepted water, but when it came time to order, he played dumb and looked blank, which gave me the exact idea that he offered, but I was paying it. Well... fine I'm an independent woman, but I drank it all and didn't even look back to ask if he'd like some.

I got the lead of things and went wherever I wanted having him following me around. I sat on a lounge and he tried to bond, asking me things about my life and I was always very evasive. I found myself not letting my guard down while he was trying to make a conversation; saying how hot I was and how he wished we (?) had more than the two weeks left for me to leave town. Everytime he asked me what I was thinking I talked away. What was I thinking? In going home. I soon got bored of him and wanted to flee. We went to the back of the dancefloor and made out more. There I found out he was REALLY japanese!! My hands are travellers you know, and they went at their favorite places, right... But Marcos' "favorite place" was exactly my hands' favorite SIZE! Uhg, I'm so nasty!! He didn't even make me horny nor wet in my pants! Nameless guy from last week got me a boner by just responding my glances.

So the DJ played a good [finally!] Hung Up remix but twas for the drag queen to perform so I didn't dance it. We went to the backyard and started to make out again when they played Get Together. Did I...? Of course I left him!! What a question! When it was over I decided to get the hot bartender's [yeah, that vision!!] number. Not for me, but for Nathalia. The motherfucker [named Julio, or Junior I couldn't hear properly] didn't trust me no matter how much I insisted. But the chat with him was cool which gave him good credits. I told him I'd definitely take Nathalia there next week and would do my best to hook them up. LOL!!

Then, I looked around and Marcos wasn't anywhere around so I sneaked out of the bar, payed my bill and ran away. Yeah, like a runaway lover!!

[Song: What You Hung Up For? - Gwen Stefani vs Madonna]

Time Goes By So Slowly...

... for those without men!! LOL!!!

As I get bitter about my college and how annoyed about it I am, I get also awful news as the cherry of the top: Madonna ain't coming anymore. That evil whore!! But you see, I'm ok, 'cause since the beginning I decided to keep my two feet on the ground.

Putting Madonna aside, I'm excited about going to Bahia next weekend. The thing is [and I'm sorry to go drama-queening and being boring bitter again]: I'm bored of my friends!! (The flesh ones ho! Not the bytes ones like you!!)

It's all the same talk, the same laughs, the same... uhg!! I feel like knowing new people, connecting with new minds, hearing new and more exciting stories, instead of the next drama about the boyfriend that doesn't notice how pretty she is, or how many pages have I written for Brit Literature assignment.

Today, two of my friends were shit-chating after the English exam and they were telling these really funny anecdotes but those shallow smiles were all I could give. And I thought: what is wrong with me? Maybe it's because I often get this way at this time of the year. But maybe - and this is definintely the option - I'm just upset with the way I'm carrying my life: lazily around, postponing the things that would do me good or make changes.

"Lucas you stupid!! You want a man? Go out and get one!! Do what Kabbalah tells you to and stop sabotaging yourself like an Alanis Morissette angst Jagged Little Pill poem," says M. Alexander Dantas.

[Song: Forbidden Love - Madonna]