Saudade

"When I get lost in space

I can't return to this place

'Cause you're the one

Nothing fails, no more fears

Nothing fails, you washed away my tears"

When I went to hug Mrs. Maria she thanked me for everything I had done for her daughter. At that moment I was the one who felt like thanking. She probably didn't know that it was her daughter, Tania, one of the first people in Marília to save me. After my first drunk-spree when the alcohol seemed to go, and all the things we tend to forget when tipsy returned to bite my ass, Tania was the one there listening to my everlasting drama talk. She was the first person in Marília that I trusted completely, that I opened up.

Then I remember that later, when eveyrbody was already asleep, I'd be up, sat alone thinking about my craps... until he comes, my mysterious boy: Filipe. Okay!! Now I confess: I've always fancied about him. One simply can't not in the beginning; his enquire-ish nature added to those boyish charms at first daze you away and you forget the annoying self-centred narcissism that comes along. Before you know him deeply, Filipe is one of the most fascinating human beings one can ever meet, and later when his other more grayish colors are shown you can't help choosing to tap yourself to the previous ones. I hate to admit but we got very apart on the last months; can't say if my coming out can be credited to that or if it's only me who didn't have the patience to deal with the fact that we were in different levels of consciousness... but we had wonderful moments.

Moments mostly shared with Juliana too. Oh that girl is my angel! She has pissed me off so much during the last days with her reluctance in growing up and evolving; however her constant support and love made me see that I was the imature one in not seeing the good sides on her actions. Her immaturity challenged my patience and she was helping me out even when I tried to push her off. The bitch knew me so well and I couldn't help loving her. I don't think I ever could conceal anything from Juliana; she was definitely the one I trusted enough to come out at first.

Then comes the forth side of the quartet: Fernanda. My sweetheart. She would always be a star in my films, no matter how few were her lines or limited was her time onscreen, they'd always be a marvel and full of joy. Sometimes she pissed the hell off of me, even more than her cousin [Juliana], but I could never stop loving her. To tell her goodbye was so painful and sad that I simply dried up; probably my brain paused and blocked my emotions for some kind of stupid self-protection, but even if at the moment I couldn't express I was feeling like shit to leave her, I was... I am.

Later I met so many: Marilia and her lovely dirty talk; she made me laugh and realize how such a wonderful lover I could be... Mariana and Karla and their slight poison also made me laugh and helped to take care of my own tongue and watch my ego; they also provided me the share of nicotine I wanted to have but was too chicken-shit to have it myself. [Thank G-d!] Erika and her limited view about herself helped me to see how I should not be and what behaviors I should avoid; but she was one of the most loved, with her gratitude and sincerity. I felt so happy to help her through defying and challenging moments of hers... I will be forever thankful to her for always giving me the oportunity to be generous.

And finally she comes: my eternal crush, my soulmate. From the moment I decided to go back to Bahia I knew she'd be the hardest to say goodbye to. Nathalia simply became more than what I could expect she would turn out to be. To see her grow with me during this one and a half year was one of the most fulfilling experiences so far. The night she went to pick me up for the last time I saw her crying and I felt horrible to feel I was still dry... I wanted to cry with her, I wanted to show that to leave her was gravely painful. G-d what a girl! What a woman she's becoming! I pray to always be present in her life even with the distance. Nathalia made me think, pushed my buttons. She taught me that utter honesty isn't always required and that intimacy, if not with her, is a shit!

As the bus hit the road I earplugged myself to the song that will always connect me to her: Get Together. Then I finally cried: overwhelmingly painful and nonstopable tears. Who else will give me delightful and thought-provoking car rides? Who else will understand my glances even before I speak and check out gorgeous men with me? From all my friends she was the one that mostly made me comfortable about my sexuality. And yet she attracted me!! While the other members of the Timeless Quartet [Ju, Fi and Fer] will always co-star my movie, it's Nathalia that I want to share the screenplay with. What a hell of a great writer she is! I still think she could let herself go a bit more and appreciate the art of self-depreciation, but it's just her, that's her way, that's what makes her unique and perfect to my eyes. Her curiosity and the way she shows honest interest for what you're talking about... I'm gonna miss that deeply and will never replace her... ever: "Hearts that intertwine, we lived in a different kind of world."

Darlings, take care of yourselves and never cease the hunger for evolution! Fight everyday to become better human beings and to make a difference. And please, please, please, do not forget me.

"You have a special quality

You're bringing out the very best in me

You have a special quality, you are

Pulling me closer to you..."

[Soundtrack: "Nothing Fails, Love Profusion, Your Honesty, Forbidden Love" and "Get Together" by Madonna. (Of course!)]