Alcohol Decadence

When people say they drink to forget, they're lying. People drink to remember, because EVERYTIME they drink they remember everything that's crappy on their lives. This time's no exception. I went out with dad and his girlfriend and I had couple [x2] drinks and now I think what's crappy on my life...

Shortening the tale: I WANT A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright alright here's the truth: I miss being cared, missed, loved. I know my friends love me and all that, but you all know what I mean. I'm talking about friggin' romance for G-d sakes and it's been ages since my last crush!!!

I'm an Independent Woman and all that but I want to share moments!! I want to go out and have coffee with someONE and share cute romantic moments! I want a boyfriend!!

I hate being this mellow but yeah, that's how I am now, fuck it!

[Song: Lovin' You - Kylie "G-d" Minogue]

Fonda And Nin

"What I did not anticipate was how the story of my journey would also resonate with men."

- Jane Fonda -

After the excitement of my first Anaïs Nin reading, Delta Of Venus, I was looking forward to read more of her stuff. So during the long dull hours in Guarulhos airport, walking around while I waited for my flight to Salvador I made a little book shopping spree and among my items I got Nin's A Spy In The House Of Love.

Little time after I started it, I did something I've not done in ages: I Googled intel about the book. I found out that it had a lot of psychoanalysis content and that the heroine, Sabina, had many of Nin's behaviors and attitudes. Okay, I don't know if I've mentioned it here but I'm very into biographies and non-fictional books lately; so, to read a novel that has many auto-biographic characteristics... I was in heaven!

"A Spy" is a dense, sometimes tense, deep book about a woman who lies. Sabina has multiple lives that last as long as a love affair of hers last. What is initially an erotic and exciting atmosphere becomes a breathtaking and overwhelming report of a disembodied woman.

The word "disembodied" makes me think of Jane Fonda. In her auto-biography, My Life So Far, she said about how long she lived without trully knowing and taking who she was for herself and lived disconnected from her own body, her own voice. Sabina jumped from a lover to another in order to validate her various souls, her various masks. And the encounter with a young lost man like her made her realize how far she was from herself.

In another moment Sabina says that when one is hurt, one should run away for a while from the places and people that reminded the hurt. At that instant I remembered a passage in Fonda's book when she said one day during the making of They Shoot Horses, Don't They? she found herself driving miles away past the set's entrance.

The point in all this I'm saying is how fiction/reality affects reality/fiction. In a short amount of time I read two books that affected my life in ways I've never experienced before. First Fonda's saying how important it is for us to find our own voices and connect to our boddies; then Nin's reassuring that thought.

Looking at myself I feel rejoiced to certify I'm on my way. When I see so much young people like me lost from themselves till the point of not knowing what they want or where to lead, I feel both like crap and like a hero, for having overcome that obstacle. A self-proof is the previous post with the Dully Lighten Room poem that is exactly about a person who chose to be separated from herself.

So, to everyone I advice to read first Fonda's "My Life So Far", then Nin's "A Spy In The House Of Love"; or even Nin's before Fonda's, doesn't matter. The importance lies in finding ourselves inside ourselves, without outer validation, whether it's in lovers, substances or even religion: "happiness lies in the palm of your hand".

[Song: Secret - Madonna (cliché I know, but fuck it!)]

Recollections

Okay, first of all read this poem:
“Dully Lighten Room”
When the mirror is broken
It's a sign that you don't look so good
Especially if the mirror shows
What is hidden inside
At the top our your tribulations
You should've put your forgotten self-esteem
Trying to live like Amelie
You forgot how it is to breathe

You, silly girl,
Are trying to build the impossible
By turning the world upside down
You, silly girl,
Have been walking on the ceiling as if
It were the greatest deal
But here I tell you so
You're so against the flow
You'll drown

The room is dully lighten
So the view's not exactly clear
Especially in such biased room
You call comfort zone
At the top of your pretentiousness
You spoke loud about yourself
When actually you were
Still in the hard dark shell

You, silly girl,
Have been walking on the ceiling
Have been holding on the grieving
You have neglected yourself
Thinking you were doing the best
I'm just like you so why
Don't we hook up tonight
I wrote it couple months ago inspired by that photo above.
Tonight, as I talked with this guy about nostalgia I came to read this poem again and it remitted me to my adolescence. Nowadays I don't speak loud to conceal my self misregard, but I find it funny to look at my past and see how I used to neglect myself more easily.
It's like this: I used to complain for never having what I wanted. But the problem was that I never knew what I wanted. When we're immersed in a situation we tend to have biased visions about where we stand, like a "dully lighten room". When we know ourselves well we know when we're playing dramatic, therefore we can stop and try to look at the big picture.

We often say that it's hard to do that when we're in the game, but I believe that it's because people are lazy and always choose to remain into the closet [stick to ego] than to "sacrifice your comfort, make your way in a foreign land". Nowadays I thank the Light for helping me to see that and then be more self-conscious, in a way of knowing myself.

So, the silly girl in the dully lighten room is just a reflection from a past of mine that, now embraced, just adds to my experience and maturity. It's oh so good to feel you have some control over your life.

[Song: Isaac - Madonna]

Lost

What if one day I became a castaway, a survivor from some kind of wreck. Or worst, what if one day everybody I knew or cared about died or got lost somehow [that'd be a way of being a castaway].

Okay, this whole Lost conversation is indeed because I've been watching Lost's first season. But with Rosh Hashanah aproaching I've been thinking about the things I want to do for the upcomming year and how everything can be changed with one turning point like that. Of course I'm not supposed to think that way, it's not up to me to worry about misfortunes of life, my job is to live and let it be. So, before the week is done I decided to make a list of the things I want to do next year. Here it is [the items are not in order of importance]:

1 - To get into a public college. I left Marilia to this; I paused my studies there to this; I'm revisiting High School to this.

2 - To live in Salvador. Ever since I went there last July I fell in love with the city's energy. That's the place I want to grow culturally and artistically while I'm in Brasil!

3 - To ignite my experience on the dramatic arts. That's been a dream since forever, I wanna be an actor. A professional one! This year I wanna boost my dream, make it real, tangible.

4 - To be on the loose. That means to do more stuffs by myself, let go of my inhibitions, dare to release my skin, destroy my ego [for good], learn how to deal with people by my own [without other's assistance - "I can make it alone"].

5 - To get a boyfriend. "'Cause I'm so tired of waiting in restaurants. Reading the critics and comics alone..." [Hate to admit it but yeah.]

6 - To be more responsible. Sounds contraditory with #4 but I believe that they can balance each other. I want to control myself about expenses, about the things I say and do that affect other people, about my future.

That's all I can think of so far. Actually I think it's good enough since it's not good to set ourselves up with a lot of things and get lost later. My job now is to meditate and to view myself accomplishing these things.

LAMED VAV VAV

[Song: The Power Of Good-Bye - Madonna]

Dramas Of The Day

1 - My mom with her resentful e-mails and her limited way of viewing her own problems;
2 - The DSL modem arrived, we installed but it doesn't work;
3 - My hair is staining my clothes [but I still love it].




[Song: Gone - Madonna]

Uhg...

Gotta love this little one dude! NO way out! He's simply genius.
Biggest regret of the moment: not making hell with my dad to let me go to his concerts in Brasil last week.

PS: Okay, I know all I do now is YouTube posts, but don't blame me if my life is boring lately and all I have to post are these!! u.u

When The Dog Bites... When I'm Feeling Sad

Yeah I do remember my favorite things and one of them is this.

I used to loathe this song, but ever since the Confessions Tour kicked off it sneaked into me and now to see the live performance of it is to feel filled bliss and cheers.

Her hair, her smiles, the way she moves her hips and waves her arms and the cute [and easy] routine make me jealous of everyone who could see all of this live.

But since it's supposed to bring me up I just play it and dance. Join me ho!!

Bundoncé and the Gostosas Girls

Okay, there's this Brazillian TV show called Casseta & Planeta and I hate it. They're not funny, way too goofy for my taste and have the worst timing, besides most of the times they sound like a SNL bad imitation.

However, they get it right sometimes. Here's a parody they did from Beyoncé's Check On It. Simply genius!!!

I Wanna F F-U F-U-C-K!!

The latest books I've read [excpet Frankenstein] curiously are somehow sexual themed. The last one, A Casa dos Budas Ditosos, by João Ubaldo Ribeiro, is about a 70-year-old libertine. It's a genius piece of comedy that follows the stream of consciousness of a fascinating woman, a true feminist that had as life-goal to satisfy her lust.

My next book is [maybe] A Spy In The House Of Love, by Anaïs Nin, which makes me wonder: am I really that honry? Well, the imediate answer is yes, and that's probably why all my last readings [and even movies] have strong sexual connotation. I don't make much inner-fuss about it, especially after reading "A Casa". Its protagonist is so freed about sex that not even my craving for it irks or worries me. It's normal and I admit I'm needing a good fuck to liberate energy and hormones.

But all this gossip about sex is kind of nonsense and boring. I have bored myself with my constant horniness and boy-checking. What's concerned to boys I'm still zero, but at least I've been bumping on some interesting and amusing books and films. The other day I saw Barbarella, but about that another time...

[Song: Let It Will Be - Madonna]

Favorite Teen Icon

Every time this movie is aired I can't help watching it. All the crazy and tacky 90's fashion statements are in it, along with one of the coolest soundtracks and funniest vocabularies. Also there some of the cutest actors: Alicia Silverstone, Paul "Yummy" Rudd and Breckin Meyer, besides a funnier and less bitchy Brittany Murphy. Yeah, I heart Clueless!

What makes this movie one of my favorites is exactly its cluelessness. It's rare nowadays to find teen movies without the dumb pretention of making it serious. Director Amy Heckerling gathered the estereotypes that teenagers themselves tend to build [and then later hate everyone else that follows them] and made a movie that doesn't preach about that, but it does show adolescence triviality and often lack of consideration with life, without however placing the blame. That's why, probably, this is a public favorite.

It's not sexual but not asexual either, it's funny but not idiotic and it's sweet. Cher became an icon with her Austen's Emma-esque personality and it's hard not to love her silly [but amusing] comments and points of view about life; her friends are wacko and lovely, she's the fag-hag that all fag wishes for and that scene where she realizes her love for Josh is just inspiring! It makes us all want a Paul Rudd for us as well.

And I want a life like Cher's!! After all, "sex, clothes and popularity. What's wrong about it?"

[Song: Erotica/You Thrill Me - Madonna]

Focus

[Tracy Lord and Lone Ranger were walking around the town.]

Lone Ranger: Uhg... I'm tired of being alone. I need to find people to connect here... or at least someone to get laid with.

Tracy Lord: No dude! You gotta concentrate on your studies! You're here to study, this town is just a passage way to your real goal. There you socialize!

Lone Ranger: Yeah... you're right. But I do wanna get laid!

[Song: Promises - Kylie Minogue]

Lucas' Current Top 12 songs

I rarely listen to these songs when I sit in front of my PC, but they're all I do on my mp3 player. I have everything here from traditional Jazz to bubble-gum pop... and of course, there's a lot of Madge.

12. In A Sentimental Mood - Duke Ellington and John Coltrane

I've first heard this song when I downloaded Prime's Original Soundtrack and I've been addicted to it ever since. It's a beautiful Jazz rendition with one of the most orgasmic saxophone solos I've ever heard. Besides, it makes the flu I have now sounds a bit fancier, except that I DON'T have a Brian Greenberg to take care of me. Life's a bitch!

11. Try - Nelly Furtado

"All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful
That's life"

I'm a fan of this girl ever since I'm Like A Bird and it's incredible how such a great and underrated artist she is! Her lyrics are always intelligent, fun and touching and her music is exotic and filled with joy. Lately Try has been sneaking into my mind, I'm always catching myself huming it while I do stuffs.

The video is a beautiful homage to Anthony Minghella's 2003 motion picture Cold Mountain: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aBfjWHKu3A

10. Nothing Really Matters - Madonna

"Nothing takes the past away like the future
Nothing makes the darkness go like the light"

How not love that? In the late 90's Madonna delivered us a collection of thrilling upbeat and wild dance tracks married to beautiful deep lyrics. Sounds contradictory, well yeah, who else but Madonna could make us think while we work our asses off on the dancefloor?

09. Where The Wild Roses Grow - Kylie Minogue and Nick Cave

This one follows the gloominess trend that has caught me lately. But aside my inner dramas, this track is a marvel. The hushy whispery vocals of Minogue in it are orgasmic and Caven is scary and he's supposed to be; the string sections are dramatic and beautiful. Besides, who would say that the get-together of a scary-goth artist and a glitzy pop diva would work so well?

The video for it is also a masterpiece: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdB-0SOd6sQ

08. Your Honesty - Madonna

Well, simply because it makes me think of my friends back in Marilia. But, now that I'm hooked by it I started to notice what an amazing track it is. The lyrics are sweet and sexy in a way only Madonna can do. When you think of Like A Prayer, for instance, where she does Baroque-esque blend of religiosity and sexuality, you have no doubt of this woman's brilliance; and in Your Honesty you find that "special quality" with her high vocals combined with delicious guitar hooks.

07. Get Together - Madonna

"If it's bitter at the start
Then it's sweeter in the end"

I'm mega addicted to it since the Confessions Tour started off. I don't have much to say about it though, it's simply beautiful, catchy, cute and hopeful. Love is something we all desire and tend to feel incomplete without, but it's funny that when we're facing it we back off and have second thoughts, because it's not easy to let down the guards/ego; Get Together describes that feeling so well.

The performance on the CT is the cutest thing ever. I wanna spin around myself and do knee-bends on the dancefloor!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqjuHXPaKI0

06. Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland

Come on!! Everyone who likes to shake their asses gotta love this one!! But it's not only that, the empathy between Nelly and Timbaland is amazing and they make cheap flirting talk sound so cool and hip. Furtado's intelligence works even in a supposed-to-be shallow song: who else would say "chilvary" in a pre-sex song?

05. Erotica/You Thrill Me - Madonna

That she's the master of re-invention, there's no doubt; but we can never be prepared to what she can do. For her Confessions Tour Madonna transformed haunt-darky-sexy 1992 Erotica into the cute-dancey-romantic Erotica/You Thrill Me. As for me, I just wanna dance to it.

The performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpRP54hJqOk

04. Chocolate - Kylie Minogue

My photo-log title is "Lucas Wants Romance" and lately it has been more true than ever. Uhg... sometimes I look at myself and see how lame I can get when I'm craving for romance, but now I've been very low-key about it. I mean, I still have butterflies for every cute boy I see on the street and all the feelings of possibility but no further drama than that. However, this desire for love made me hook in one of the best renditions about it. Kylie Minogue's Chocolate is so full of joy and describes perfectly the feelings that a romance-bitch like me feel. All I want is someone to "melt me slowly down"! And yeah, I'm as corny as this song is campy.

03. Peach Trees - Rufus Wainwright

"'Cause I'm so tired of waiting in restaurants
Reading the critics and comics alone"

Enough said... u.u

02. A Public Affair - Jessica Simpson

Ignore the fact it's by Jessica "Annoying" Simpson. This song is simply cool and fun; and to think of her homages in it... uhg amazing!! First and foremost the song resembles Madge's Holiday; everything, since the guitar hooks to the cool bubbles, makes you think of Holiday's fun and joi de vivre. So, when the bitch decided to make her video, guess what she homages? Sorry's video!! Okay, one can say that it's a 1980's Xanadu homage, but Madge did it first, so in recent memory Jessica did a Madge homage. Cheers for her!!

01. Susan MacLoed/In The Groove - Madonna

This was a mix used in her 2004 Re-Invention Tour. First, Into the Groove is one of the coolest songs ever made!! There's no way of avoiding its marvelous beats that make you jump and whril around. But who though it would work perfectly with martial drums and a Scottish bagpipe [Susan]? I guess this is the proof that the perfect songs are those that allow themselves to be changed and still sound like themselves.

The RIT performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPbZFAPMcFk Hoo get us kilts and sticks!!

Intel

Okay, remember Julio?

Earlier tonight I was having this light artsy conversation with a HS-times friend of mine on the MSN. We were saying how much we loved Jazz, the film 8 Femmes and I was telling her to watch Les Parapluis du Cherbourg. Then she started with this we-are-friends can-I-make-an-indiscreet-question kind of crap and I already knew what she was going to ask.

She laughed hard with my reply which was something like: "Hey sweetie, 3 simple tips: Madonna, Classic movies and Judy Garland." So she pleased my ego [she said that was the best answer she'd ever got to that question] and we started to go deeper in that subject: when I found out, if I was outted bla bla bla.

But I moved to the more interesting part of the convo: I asked her about other guys from the school times that she suspected about. She came up with a very interesting and revealing list that made me regret being far from the Conquista scenario for so long!! But well, of course I had a hidden agenda in all that: I hurried and asked about Julio... yeah Julio! Soraya [my friend who I forgot to name earlier] said: "Oh Julio! He IS!"

Well folks, now do you remember the feeling of possibility from two posts down? Yeah, you're so smart!!!!! But along with her intel [new name for gossip] came the information that Julio is about to go to London [!] this month!!!!!!!!

I don't have much time...

[Song: Chocolate - Kylie Minogue]

"Good Memory Kiddo..."

They always say "where there's fire there's heat". That reminds me of my school times when being called gay wasn't a rarity. I was always in denial of course, but later I decided I didn't have to explain anything to anyone, so what was said I [pretended that I] didn't care. Later I would find other classmates that would be bullied by the machos and take on the same action as mine: denial.

In adolescence, as I was discussing with my father yesterday at lunch, image is everything, especially in sexist societies as this one I was brought up in, and the stakes get higher at that particular time. So for my classmates and I it was better to lie to ourselves than to be out of the acceptance zone.

But all this sociological crap is to introduce what happened today. I was at the mall with my family and as we left I ran into an old classmate of mine, Julio César. [Big name uh!] He came towards me with a killer smile and grew taller than what I could remember as we approached each other. He gave me his hand and I shook it but my slow brain [doomed even more by AWFUL cappuccino I had had] didn't recognize him. My inicial receptivity to his smile was more because of the smile itself and the fact that he had a beard around it, than to the fact I knew him.

It was a brief greeting and as dad and I walked away I told him:

"If you ask me who he is I'll have no answer."

"Good memory kiddo..." he replied.

And I put myself to thinking... so, just like that, he came to my mind: Julio the other classmate who used to be bullied by the machos. Julio used to walk with the machos [like the way Gretchen followed Regina], so I imagine that concealing was harder for him; but it made me want to get connections with him again. I mean, I have no idea if he's outted [at least to his own mind] but uhg he's a cutie and as the old say says...

[Song: Love At First Sight - Kylie Minogue]

... life as a movie!

What wouldn't I give now for a fuck buddy? Just someone to chill, have a good talk over cappuccino and then lead for a bed somewhere and release the hormons. Nowadays I'd even skip the cappuccino part... But my longer for intimacy wouldn't allow it and it has made me sort of cynical lately. A week ago I met the guy who gave me the "impressive instant" from early August and it was a blast. But I don't know if I told [and I probabaly didn't] but I noticed he wasn't boyfriend material.

There are two basic things with which I can explain why that; both are ego-driven but only one is clearly ego-appealing. [You gotta guess which!]

The first is: he was kind of dumb; I mean, not that we actually had time to talk about serious things, but I sensed a certain air of ignorance and superficiality around him. The way he bent down to his supposed-ex's fairy-queene friend was kind of pitiful; probably he felt guilty and thought that being obsequious would redeem himself, which means he wasn't a very strong person, so...

The second thing is: he was the ultimate ego-pleaser. He called me hot, told me that my kiss was breathtaking and tore himself down on compliments, to me! You know I'm in the struggle to destroy my ego, but that was a lot and made me so fucking horny... well you know what happened.

Then, those two little facts perhaps wouldn't allow me to be in a relationship with Tiago [remember I'm doing suppositions based on them], but I know he would turn out to be a very good fuck buddy. And before this post stars to sink in "woulda, shoulda, couldas" let me go to the point: I still WAAAAAAAAAAANT [yeah that way] romance!!! I'm close to the point of going to one of those blind dates reality shows... uh, okay not so much. But the thing is: I want to share romance, I want to step ahead the daydreaming that's been boring me currently and wage intellectual intercourse!

So, last Tuesday, as I waited for my flight to Salvador at Guarulhos airport in São Paulo, I took courage to pay an absurd just for the sake of killing boredom and checking out my emails. Then comes my surprise: a guy emailed me!! He said he saw my profile on match.com and decided to email me. I felt so flattered and fuzzy inside!! You know me, the more down-to-earth and sober I may try to be I can't help feeling all perky and bouncy with the feeling of possibility! But few days after my last reply to his last email, nothing happens and I'm starting to get very cynical all over again.

So oh G-d, when will I stop pretending my life is the movies I watch and so much love?! Hmm... well actually, deep down I don't want to. I mean, during this period of dryness and absolutely no metaphysical fun filled with cynicism and impatience the movies and the books have given me at least fantasy. While I don't actually find my so-called-knight-in-shiny-armor-rescuer man I stick with the William Holden-s, Cary Grant-s, Micheal Vartan-s etc etc. As my lovely Ho says: "I believe in film romance"!

And to give a perfect closure to my romance-craving post guess which is the Movie Of The Day on IMDB?! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058450/ Yeah!! I want myself a Nino Castelnuovo but this time with a very and cute happy ending. I'm sick of the sad ones so overrated by the intellectual wannabes!! I want a film romance!!

PS: Ho, a cookie if you guess which actor I went to check out the name's correct spelling on IMDB! ;)

[Song: Skin - Madonna]

FUCK!!

Yesterday when I opened the box with my CDs I was hit by an anger to see that some of them had their acrylic boxes broken. No, not some, just my FAVORITE ones!!!! The Madonna and Kylie ones!!! Well, I'll try to buy new thingies tomorrow and be happy again.
Life in Conquista has been very numb. For now all I've done was wake up and walk around the house waiting for time to eat or whatever... Zenaide's been my only source of fun around here and the weekend's on and she'll go home and uhg... I gotta stop whinning and do something!!
[Song: A Public Affair - Jessica Simpson]