"Say Goodbye..."

Here I go towards another life-changing trip.

Going to Italy isn't anymore a wanderlust extravaganza, Lucas is on the verge of the end of an era. When I return from Europe college will start and responsabilities I've taken on this first semester will be so real they'll be knocking on my door, demanding for action.

It all feels like growing up, but surprisingly or not, I'm not scared by it anymore as my Blogger profile says. I'm actually looking forward for maturity and all its implications. As for falling in love - well it still scares the shit out of me, and it seems I'm on for a rollercoaster ride again... It's silly to be deposit hopes in one place, but I'll be trying my best to have the best of funs in this trip to Italy and enjoy whatever kicks in. W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R!

Wish me luck and good trip y'all!

[Song: Chasing Pavements - Adele]

Miss Lucas Says

Yesterday I was feeling like shit, so I decided to watch a movie that would probably make me cry. I chose Joe Wright's Pride & Prejudice, it's a romantic epic movie - it'd help me to release my chest, plus there was a hidden intention that'll be explained ahead.

Bottom line is that I didn't cry, I actually felt even more restless as the movie ended. One of the things I mostly love about Jane Austen stories is that no matter how romantic they seem, there's always one particular character that brings you down to reality, the one who always punches you in the guts and kicks you in the ass. In Pride & Prejudice it's Miss Charlotte Lucas [played on the movie by the scrumptious Claudie Blakley].

Always put aside by Lizzie's mother, who never watches her tongue, she's the modest thing you barely notice, but once you get out of your egocentric shell you see how grand she is. On this last screening one of her lines gave me an interesting epiphany. But first a backstory.

Saturday I hooked up with this guy I've had a crush on for almost a year. It was never a hopeless crush because he lives in another town, so I'd only feel it whenever he came to Conquista to visit the friends [me and everyone else in my party]. On the Sunday we hooked up again and, minutes after he left the rock festival he came back to pick me up so I could spend the night with him - he was leaving the city on the following morning.

Knowing my mind you're probably aware of how I'm feeling right now. So, secretly I decided to watch P&P because I was feeling in a Jane Bennet/Charles Bingley situation. I'm shy when it comes to showing my feelings and guys - I mostly suck in coming on the boys and letting them know I'm wanting them. This guy, well, he's worst than me! So, at one moment, Lizzie and Charlotte were talking at the Bingley's private ball and it hit me:

"Lizzie [about Bingley and Jane]: I think he likes her very much.

Miss Lucas: But does she like him? Few of us are secure enough to be in love without proper encouragement. Bingley likes her enormously, but might not do more if she does not help him on it.

Lizzie: She's just shy and modest. If he cannot perceive her regard, he is a fool.

Miss Lucas: We are all fools in love..."

So Lucas [meaning me this time] what's next to do?

[Song: Mr. Donut - Saint Etienne]

Kabbalah Says

"Make a list of your desires. Put down everything that comes to mind no matter how small or how foolish it may seem.. [...] Without knowing your true desires, you don't stand much of a chance of attaining them. So be honest!"

["When you've done that, write next to each desire how you think you might feel if you attained it. How might your life change?"]

- To have a boyfriend that loves me as much as I love him. [Fulfillment.]

- To have a good relationship with my mother. [Serenity.]

- To be patient. [Duuh!]

- Think less about the 50million possibilities of life and work more with what I have in front of me. [I'd be less anxious.]

- To keep having wonderful and fulfilling friends. [I'd be more calm and sure of myself.]

- To be a famous artist. [Happy to show my truth for a larger number of people.]

- To see Madonna live. [That'd just leave me happy.]

- To go through Madrid withour dramas*. [Relieved.]

- To be less pessimistic. [Self-confident.]

- To be stronger and more willing. [I'd feel more alive and less bored.]

- To be less prejudiceful and more tolerant. [Would make me feel more open about my human relations.]

- To be as self-confident as I aparent to be. [I'd feel more honest.]

- To travel the world. [I'd feel wiser.]

- To help humankind more concretely. [I'd feel less guilty.]

- To do what I preach. [I'de feel even less guilty.]

- "To love and to be loved in return." [Once again: fulfillment.]

[Song: The Youth - MGMT]

NoobTimes: Stalker Song - Conquista Rock Festival Day 2

Yesterday we played rock; not because we felt retracted by the bad response from the Metal people, but simply because we were in the mood of rocks. That is why we opened our DJing with Caetano Veloso's Rocks*. Once again we were implicitly doing an unspoken protest against the scene's strictness; Caetano was disdained by the closed-minded rockers when he released he's Indie Rock album two years ago - however the critics praised and the real lovers of good music saw the beauty of it.

So there we were, playing by their numbers, but with our own abacus. However the audience was different; the Metal people were in short number and who were there seemed open to new stuff. Purki heard from an acquaintance [who happens to be a long-time rocker] that he loved when we played Yelle's Je Veux Te Voir*, an aunt sent him her album and he was loving it; some girls begged us to play Ecos Falsos* again, a Brazilian indie band that made quite a rush on our DJing the day before; and a woman told us she was pissed when they cut us out at the moment we were playing The Smiths's How Soon Is Now.

Somehow, all the darkness that surrounded the end of Saturday's night seemed to dissipate and we were having way more fun than were worried in pleasing.

*On the BitchyList

NoobTimes: Stalker Song - Conquista Rock Festival Day 1

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NoobTimes: Stalker Song - Nothing But Your Local DJ

Saturday was another historic date for me. It's dang cliché to say such thing of such a thing, but I say it so because I've got no other words to describe egocentric-hard-porno's debut.

An hour before my debut on the theatre, I was heartraced and shitting myself. But somehow Saturday was a more serene day for me than to my co-workers Purki and Clarinha, that were times worried about technical stuff, times nervous with the premiere. The butterflies in me were constant, but there was a warming optimism that actually surprised me a little.

We got at the club an hour and a half before the party's official time, to solve some structural problems and, majorly, to get ourselves drunk: when it finally started, we were alcoholized enough to relax and do our things.

The DJing was started by our "teacher" Tony, that made some testing while we prepared ourselves to play: we were the first. However, not even half of our friends were there yet and, THAT made me nervous, I'd say irritated. But soon enough not only our mob-esque and devilish godmother Marco Antônio [who got us into the party's line-up] was there, but everyone else that mattered.

Tony beckoned me to get up on the stage and prepared my cue: Ray Of Light; Madonna was the main muse of practically the whole egocentric-hard-porno's formation process, and the moment the song's first chords echoed on the floor, the fags all got in the dance. My excitment was so huge I wouldn't stop singing and jumping.

The crossfado to my dalings The Ting Tings's That's Not My Name was so perfect that got me some compliments from Tony. Then, adrenaline hit the Everest top and Clara took the pick-ups over as I insanely danced to one of my favorite songs of the year. I could feel the crowd's heat, that jumped along with me, open to new dancefloor possibilities. Clarinha got everyone down with an ususal mash-up: Justin's SexyBack and Britney's Get Naked - raising a tabloid-esque and faux discomfort between the celebs [lol, as if they were there!] on the floor.

In the meantime, Purki mixed such lisergic videos that I avoided staring at them in order to keep focus on my part. I returned to the pick-ups with the duo that makes me feel the slutest of the sluts: London Brige and Give It 2 Me. Whatever you say about Miss Ferguson, and I also think she's a bit trashy, if there's something genius in her life it is "London Brige"; and when Pharrell's magical synths in GI2M were heard for the first time at the party, I felt a marvelous chill on my backbone as the whole dancefloor population happily wow-ed and worked-up the sweat with the greatly known song - but it was my momentum. Everybody got crazy with My Love Is Better and Modern Love [from Kish Mauve], two completely unknown to most of the Conquistenses.

When our brief "show" was over [we'd play at least 20 tracks if the let us], we received great compliments from the friends, everyone else and the party's staff. According to Dann, one of our closests friends, our setlist left a "gimme more" taste, and not trying to bragging, but already doing it, it wasn't uncommon afterwards being asked when we would re-take on the pick-ups; some even made requests. That was genius to our egos!

=)

In the end, we left the place with delicious sensation of mission accomplished. Later, during Tony's set, Purki melted everyone's faces with a sequence of Madonna videos filled with breathtaking psychedelic effects. At each scene people would cheer and shout along with the song and wouldn't let go hard's videos, that surely stole the gogo dancer's show.

When we good-byed, the guys from the Morgana collective [aka our bosses] said we were on for the next rides.

PHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW... guess I can finally die now lol. brinqs

EHP's Setlist from 12.07.2008 - Morgana Mix:

1. Ray Of Light - Madonna

2. That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings

3. SexyBack - Justin Timberlake

4. Get Naked - Britney Spears

5. London Brige - Fergie

6. Give It 2 Me - Madonna

7. Little Less Conversation - Elvis vs. JXL

8. In My Arms - Kylie Minogue

9. My Love Is Better - Annie

10. Modern Love (Mark Moore & Kinky Roland Vox 12" Mix) - Kish Mauve

11. Eo Eo Eo [Tema da Banheira do Gugu] - Dream Water

12. Let Me Think About It - Fedde Le Grand vs. Ida Corr

Bold = on the white box on the blog's top, on the fold Stalker > 07 - Nothing But Your Local DJ.

July 6th, 2008

I'm gonna throw the wine bottle away, and the ciggies and the self-pity.

No more giving men more importance than they deserve. Self-confidence will be now grabbed by the nails and put in my arms; people won't only notice it, they'll notice and fear it by design!

Yes, this is a Bridget Jones moment and, since I'm every woman I'll be riding the bike until my legs die!

[Song: Ooh La La - Goldfrapp]

Funny...

... how nothing's under the control of our hands and mind.

This week I met a guy on the web. The stalking life seems to be working somehow and, although I'm as single as ever, at least I'm under the influence of my old foe-friend: the feeling of possibility. Hate it, but I'm addiceted to it - and sometimes it do me good; even if the possibilities apparently never take me to somewhere different from where I am, the journey is the main thing.

Anyways, I'm flirting with this guy whom I called to come with me to an event a friend organized. I gave him my number so he could confirm if he'd go, but my celly never rang and we failed to talk on the MSN whole yesterday. However, he was told about it, about my presence and about my will of him coming. There was still hope.

As night went, Lucas was having the best of the times every time he noticed that life was more-than my neurosis. There was so many long-time-no-see friends and so many new connections being made that I simply didn't have the time to fret about him, even if I was constantly hoping that he was there scanning all the faces searching for familiar mine.

Then funny and lovely things started to happen. "Woody Allen moments", as says the ho, like hearing from a straight friend that he thinks I'm so cool that he considered hooking up with me! Or listening from people I just met that the moment I walked into the room, the air chanded and stopped to watch me go. Lol, funny uh? Especially when my shyness kicked in trying to steal the show, then I knew my ego was floating. Not that I should endorse the comments that fed it gluttonously, but a good thank-you was enough, pretending modesty is the highest example of egocentric behaviour.

That takes me to another moment where a new friend told she had a friend that was into me, and asked me how should her friend approach me. Then I played the Madonna and said "if you wanna talk to me, that's exactly what you're gonna do, talk-to-me!" Okay not so dramatically, but basically I told her that her friend should come, talk to me and then we'd see where things would lead. She insisted on what and how should he tell me, and I cut the crap saying "ahhh I've got no idea!" And I really didn't, I don't know how people should approach me, they're the ones who should know that, I think.

Later, this friend and I finally talked about that [kind of indirectly] and she told me I always seem so self-confident and sufficient, that somehow, I scare people to the point of they not knowing how to taLK TO ME WHAAAA?! Am I self-sufficient! Alright I'm indeed self-confident when it comes to not giving myself up to please society bastards; but apparently that's more overwhelming to the rest of the people than I thought!

Bizarre ain't it? But in the end it's funny, because my friends and I had already been discussing that, but it was when someone I'm not very much in touch with told me that, that I realized how real it actually is. However, comofas*? Lucas certainly won't deny his strong balls to make people feel better around him. But then, maybe, it's me who should try to make them feel not so overwhelmed by me? Maybe, it's me who should come into the boys and ask them out?

FE-AR! lol

[Song: Fastlane - Esthero featuring Jemine and Jelleestone]

*comofas = "what to do?"

So Far Away...

We're all searching for identification. Real people don't like something because everybody else likes it, but because there's something about it that makes them connect to that. That happens with movies, for example, when people cheer for a certain politically incorrect character, just because there's something about him that tap to the real side of who's watching.

Today there was a generalized argument with my mother. It all started with my sister, than mother decided that she had also to fight with the rest of the family - dad and I however speaking our minds let her talk whatever she wanted, or in my case just walked away.

That moment I realized the point of identification between me and Madonna's song Miles Away. While everyone's connecting it to the singer's relationship with her husband, I simply pushed the easy concepts aside and waited for my moment of revelation and as my mom said she'd go back to Salvador, because living with my sister was impossible [but living with her is always wonderful], I came to terms that in spite of all the love I have for my mother [which she thinks isn't valid because it's not her way to love], we really have our bests when far away.

Not that I believe things will be better if she returns to Salvador; actually I'm a bit worried - I think she'll be more lost than here, close - but distance always seems to widen her view.

But when will mother finally understand she's not anymore in the position of coming and going?

[Song: Miles Away - Madonna]

Chills

She looks like a goblin with those shoes but this song and video gave me chills that I haven't felt with a song in a considerable time.
My eyes started welling as she finally admits she's hurt and starts moving forward. I didn't expect so much of this track, I'm glad I was surprised.

The Crazy Band!

Hot Lovefoxx in her best Björk style in the new video Rat Is Dead (Rage) leaves me mouthwatered craving to see her and her crew live!
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