9 Months

Please give me back
All the poems I wrote you
Would you please give me back
Every song I linked to you
I just miss them now
And I feel like never having again
My inspiration back for
Everything feels connected to you

I know that I’ve messed up
And I’m not calling for forgiveness
I just want my normality
Back to where it shouldn’t be taken from
You gave me a lot of lights
But they all turned off when you told me
I had not provided any good moments in 36 weeks

Every second I live is
Like a reminder of my mistake
Every breath that I take is
Like the poison I must be free from
And there’s no such thing as regret
But I do regret what I’ve done
Not the act itself, just my behavior
Before the unspoken words

I know that I’ve messed up…

And here’s what I think
I don’t think what I did was monstrosity
I’m human as you and
Our stakes were higher than what we could bet
What I did was not right
But I never lied about the love I felt
And when we cheat and lie
It means things aren’t that well
And just now I see
How my ego was the only voice in me
Everything’s gone so quickly and
I only want us all to be happy (free)
Until one day in the end, friends be

by Lucas Oliveira Dantas
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Okay ho, should I send him or should I keep my legs shut?!

[Song #1: Dangerous Game - Kylie Minogue]
[Song #2: Burning Up - Ashlee Simpson]

Hamster

Through the whole day I've been facing gloom and sadness. Why? Death.

Although I have this honest relationship with death, as I've already posted here, I really don't think (anymore) I will ever be prepared to face it. And I can't tell which is worst, a sudden death or an announced one. For now, I'd say the announced one.

I might be scarying you with this morbid talk, but I indeed have been experiencing loss in my life. No, it's not a relative or even myself, it's a pet. Yes!! I get emotional over pets too, after all I'm a human being provided with feelings and every normal human being evolve feelings over their pets. These little thingies seem to appear out of nowhere and when you notice your bond with them are sometimes stronger than with most people you know.

Since the beginning of this month I've been aware that my little hamster Perebas could die at any moment. He had lost his funny pet glow, had been eating less and less and now he's totally furless, the skin covered with hideous ulcers and very skinny. I never thought I'd see him so ugly or in grieve. I guess we never expect that and I'm so sorry for him that I'd be glad if he died soon to end his suffering.

And as every pet of my family, Perebas, the Hamster, has gazillion names. Some of them are: Rato (given by my father and I), Rodney (by my friend Fernanda), Valdir (by my friend Diego) and Peludinho (by my friend Juliana). But are in times like these you wish you were like Holly Golightly, who never named the Cat, so they'd never get attached to each other.

Perebas, however, has a lot of names...

[Song: Take Me With You - Kylie Minogue]

The Susan Meyers Syndrome

Isn't it genius when your birthday is fulfilled joy and happiness?! My birthday this year was... *drums*.... inexpressive!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a day that felt more like everything else in my life, I turned to 19, and despite my shrink's sayings that when we reach 19, everything in life tends to change, evolve and mature, I still feel the same. Of course I wasn't expecting the changes to come at the very first minute of my birthday, but along with the whole fear and butterflies that every change brings, came the bitterness.

It's not always easy to see that someone that once was important to you and that now you don't like is moving on faster than you. Just like Susan Meyers (from Desperate Housewives) I want everyone to be happy, but I want me to be happy first. Sorry if I sound selfish, but, yes, I'm selfish at this moment!! For a minute I regret not moving as fast as him, but you see: in my life, things are supposed to be done my way. And my way is slower, thank you.

But my B-day wasn't all filled with bitterness. I had amazing moments with some of my friends. Naaa, Mah, Karla and I played around with the camera and took some amazing pics. I had my fun. Also, as some sort of homage to myself, I asked a friend of mine to post on my photolog and the bitch totally messed everything by making this HUGE joke with a not-so-serius pic of mine. To know what I'm talking about visit: http://www.fotolog.com/lucaswoodstock/ .

[Song: Trás de Mi - RBD]

Que Hay Detrás

Isn't it amazing when the simplest things in life makes you glow radiant. After a period of boredom I've found my fun in something I was too judgemental to look at: RBD.

Okay, you're thinking "ew that mexican trash", and that's exactly what I used to think before I even get to listen to them. However, their songs are fun, cute and sweet. They have a charming charisma that drains out all the bitterness. In other words, they're simple and easy Pop and I'm always drowned to that. This weekend I downloaded their upcoming album Live In Hollywood, an acoustic version of their sophomore, Nuestro Amor. And I know most of these groups are manipulated managers and marketing people, I was blown away when I read that RBD chooses their own repertoire and in this particular album they had meaningful participation on the arrangements and songwriting.

But, all this RBD talk is there to lead me to the point that nothing's what it seems. As Jewel says "it's not all dirty but it's not all clean" and that's how I've decided to face my boredom. It's like a fever, a sign that something's not going well. Que hay detrás de la monotonía?

The thing is, I can't stand my college anymore. Last year I felt fulfilled about it, but only because I still didn't know what I wanted with my course. Now, everything seems shallow and incomplete and I can't get no satisfaction (I know, I'm campy!!). One night when the Portuguese Literature professor told us to analyze an Almeida Garrett poem, a group got into a deeper analysis that indeed needed some critic substance, but instead of pushing us onto that way by advising us to do some research about it and even though she agreed that their interpretation had back-up, she pulled us back to the simple surface of the poem. I can't say if it was her ego that reacted to the fact that simple graduation students noticed something she (a master degree) didn't see, but that's not what you do with knowledge. Plato never held his knowledge to himself.

But I won't keep complaining over crap. I've talked with people and decided to change college, even thought that obliges me to do the dreadful Vestibular all over again. But I deserve the better and I will get better. Porque yo no quiero la superficie, intento a ver lo que hay detrás.

[Song: Que Hay Detrás - RBD]

PS: Ha, I love Spanish!!

The Summer Journals - Finale

The 15th and 16th Of January, 2006 – “The End”

People face death differently. When somebody close to them passes away, they tend to cry, suffer and even fall into despair before the perspective of never having the presence of that one again. They remember the moments and even lament on the things they should had done and didn’t, and the ones they shouldn’t had done and did. In some cases they believe in afterlife, but still blame G-d for the loss, choosing not to understand His will and means.

As if nothing too touching haven’t happened during these holidays, an uncle of mine died to due to a car wreck. He had three kids, my favorite cousins, and they reacted very much like I said above.

I, however, started to think about it al. Ironically, I’m reading a Kabbalah book that claims that it’s in the moments of grieve we should praise G-d’s benevolence. Absolutely nothing in this world happens by chance and when we feel the burden of pain, that’s when we should ask ourselves why we’re going through all that. G-d definitelly would not make us suffer to fulfill a sadic pleasure.

This is how I see death: when one dies, one’s time here is done and it’s the time for him to work and send his energies on and from the spiritual world. The flesh is gone and it rottens. It’s not the person. The person is his actions, his behavior and the way he treated the world. So, when I see my cousins and all these small town folks suffering over my uncle’s corpse, I feel relieved to death from that angle.

My uncle was a marvelous person and I don’t know anyone who could say that din’t like him. He wasn’t perfect and as all human beings had his faults. But most of his life was lived in a good way and that is what to be really considered.

I cannot tell or foresee how my feelings and I will behavewjem someone close to me dies. However, I know myself enough to be centered, and know that death is just a passageway, and definitely not the end.

I started these holidays being born again, after the car accident I had before Christmas, and now a relative dies. As if a cycle was completed. The Creation always renews itself and as part of it we should renew as well. There’s no point in wandering about the same spot, evolution is the way to go and that’s why we should move on with the world. Death is just the end of one cycle of life, but it’s not the end of everything.
However, when my uncle died I felt that cycle was being finished. This is the end of my holidays and I already feel the chills of getting back to the routine. I don’t often make New Year’s resolutions, this time although I will.
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I'm in São Paulo. I hope I get to do everything I'm supposed to...

[Song: Some Kind Of Bliss - Kylie "G-d" Minogue]

The Summer Journals - Part 8

The 12th Of January, 2006 – “The Beach”

I was never a big fan of beach, but once I saw Barra’s ocean I fell in love.

I do have sweet childhood memories about beaches. Salvador was always a holiday resource and I lived in other coastal towns. But as I grew up, I lost my interest about such environment.

In these vacations, however, I wanted to feel the ocean under my feet again. At first be mesmerized by the soothing scent of sea air, then lay my toes on the dry sand and walk on it towards the sea, feeling the sand getting wetter, until the wave break on my ankles. On the horizon ahead, just the supposed infinite line, after which there’s a great abyss, as I would think when a child.

All these sweet fantasies were brought again while Mariana and I were on the beach. Not even the almost theft could spoil the magic of moment.

Mariana said the ocean is the most powerful expression of nature we can be immersed in, and after today’s experience, I agree with her. While we swimed in the calm deep water of Barra harbor sea, we remembered the funny teen tales and other great and amusing stories of the last two years: all of them bathed on that marvelous ocean and sometimes dazzled by the beauty of those beach men.
Oh my! I gotta love (live in) this town!!

The Summer Journals - Part 7

The 10th Of January, 2006 – “The Ultimate”

All happened in a sudden: I was checking my emails and then I was SMS-ing this old friend of mine so we could meet.

I was so excited but I kept my cool, because I was meeting someone I didn’t see in two years. She used to be one of my dearest friends back at school times, especially because of our fights and disagreements, but 24 months are a lot and we surely changed and evolved during this peirod; I did, and she definitely would be “bigger”.

And she was. Mariana seemed way freer and way more liberated than the last time I had seen her. But the best part: she is still the same clever, quick, ironic, funny and talkative girl as always. So, since we met at Iguatemi mall (in a very spontaneous way: she was in this very fancy store and while I went down the escalator we glanced each other, and she did this absolutely Mariana-esque gesture: waved her arms high, opened her mouth widely as if she was screaming and gave little jumps; then I went there and we hugged fondly.), until the moment we parted, all we did was talking (we couldn’t stop ourselves – so many days passed, so many things to tell…).

Anyways, we walked along Oceânica avenue, in Barra, and later settled at this neat bar filled with foreigner tourists, Le Creppe. And we talked, and we drank, and talked, and had “lambreta” (some kind of seafood), and I drank, and then crabs, I drank more, then more talk (we never stopped actually, not even during crabs and lambretas), more drinks, more talk… and I was already very tipsy, and absolutely loving each moment.

Meeting Mariana was the ultimate part of the contact to the past. A past I was once stupidly afraid to meet again and in the end, turned out to be more delicious than ever. As myself, the past changed, evolved into present and walks right by my side. “Thank you terror, thank you disillusionment, thank you frailty, thank you consequence, thank you silence”: to know the ones I love are building up and changing with me is wonderful.

[Note: All this was written while rocked by genius Alanis Morissette, especially: Purgatorying, Thank You, Everything and Ironic.]