Tales From Yesterday [Part 2]

So... yesterday [before the whole Zenaide drama] I was at home minding my own business when a guy calls at the door asking if that was Danilo's house. Uhh... I obviously replied no but noticed he was was obviously gay.

Later, when I went out for Coke I met him a street above mine looking kind of lost. So, I innocently decided to walk by that street. Approaching him I acted surprise and asked "dude, are you lost?" and he "yeah, kinda." I uselessly tried to explain the street scheme of that neighborhood, but he didn't know which street or house was Danilo's.

I then offered my phone since his cellular was dead so he had to come over to my house. In the way we had the usual small talk: "you're so nice... I like music and crap... bla bla bla." Me being very polite and my usually quiet, replying very instantly and with few words [I am like this when I first meet a person ok ho!], until we got home and he didn't want to come in because of Hercules, my Akita. So I went in and called Danilo for Victor [the guy's name which I only intentionally remembered to ask after I 1st tried to reach Danilo... it's a game folks, and I'm here to play it] but Danilo turned out to be unreachable. As I went out to give Victor the news he asked for my msn and of course I gave.

[Today...]

An hour ago or so I was chating with him and he asked "what is in cognito in your life?" Of course I knew what was that about, but since I have a very very wicked mind I decided to play so my first replies were stupidly random things like "uhh... I love Paris Hilton" or "my ego is huge"... all things very known of myself. *giggles* Later I told him he could ask me anything he wanted because I wouldn't mind and things were finally revealed.

He's not my type, but it's an acquaintance.

[Song: Oh My G-d - P!nk featuring Peaches]

[PS: I'm in Valença, at my cousin's LOVELY home - which I'll take plenty of photos. Tomorrow we're going to Morro de São Paulo yaaay! Don't laugh ho!]

Tales From Yesterday [Part 1]

I have a couple things to say about yesterday that I could not post before.

Zenaide suffered a car accident. She was going back home and the van turned on the freeway. She was wounded badly, but she's fine with no aparent grave damages.

When we learned about the accident I was really scared, because call me paranoid or not I had dreamed about her dying in a car wreck a week before. Until we were able to see her in the hospital I was in constant state of fear. Zenaide is one of the most important persons in my life. She's been with us since I was a pre-adolescent; she makes me laugh histerically with her anecdotes, knows all about me and we're true confidents, to lose her in this period of my life would be awfully painful. But thank G-d she's alright and it'll be not this time she'll get rid of us!

Solitude

Something tells me I already did a post with this name, but whatever.

Today I watched Lost In Translation for the second time. I've been neglecting this second time for ages but I finally got my lazy ass up to see it and refresh my memory of Sofia's amazing tale.

First of all, these days in Bahia have made me develop my skills in pleasing myself for myself, not on that dirty way ho, the clean one. Back during my last month in Marilia I tasted my first steps to solitude; I had the house all for myself except for eventual [and sometimes unwanted] visits from my friends. When I got here I kind of knew I'd go through a similar period, since I don't know anyone here anymore, and even though dad and Zenaide [our lovely funny adorable long time friend maid] sometimes provide me the good convos, I sometimes miss the good similar-age/mind tête-à-tête.

So tonight when I saw "Lost In Translation" I could not help feeling like both Charlotte and Bob. These guys were always alone even when surrounded by people and dude, I feel like that all the time! Most of the time it's welcomed and I appreciate these moments of solitude. Others, like lately, it's somewhat grieving. But even if "it's a fleeting moment, the minute it happens it makes lonely life worthy."

I'm longering for such moments lately; of course this all sounds very whining and it's been boring me as well! My lonesome situation was predicted and it didn't keep me from making the choice I made, which I don't regret at all. But dude, "time goes by so slowly for those who wait"!!!

[Song: Oh My G-d - P!nk featuring Peaches]

My Favorite Movie Of The Year

G-d knows how I'm good about myself, and that I am not a romantic fool who loses himself for the urge of a feeling similar to love.
But damn, this movie is my fairy tale pleasure. Of course there's nothing as faily tale-esque on Jane Austen's novel neither on Wright's beautiful motion picture; but the charisma of the former's characters and the latter's actors makes it such a thrilling and lovely film that one cannot help to fall for it.
I may not live for the day that a Mr. Darcy will come to tell me that "you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on", but when this day comes...
*dies*

[Song: Your Hands Are Cold - Dario Marianelli]

Definitely

Next week!!
October 12th is Children's Day in Brazil and also Our Lady Of Aparecida, the patron saint of this country. I was supposed to go to Salvador, but all leads that Salvador will only happen in a next Holiday because I feel like and have to go to Morro de São Paulo!
Morro is a charming island next to Valença, a town close to here, that used to be a fishermen village before it becomes a massive tourist mark. I went there once but stayed only a day and now I want more of this:

Ho, Only You Will Get The Text

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
*dies*
[Song: Jump - Madonna]
[PS: I can't help watching it over and over again! I luuuuuuuuuuv it!!]

I'm Alive

[...And I won't just press publish ho!]

...And nah, this ain't the begining of a J.Lo inspired post. It's just that I wanted to tell about my last daying. Well, they've been just as dull as always; nothing really exciting is going on in my life except for a literature congress that I'm attending that is making me miss college, but I'm enjoying.

Besides that I've decided to work on my Rosh Hashanah list and improove my spiritual evolution, plus health. I'm marking appointments at doctors, doing some exams and then joining a gym, I need to work out. New year, new life!

Besides that I'm all obsessed about Erotica/You Thrill Me again and still horny and still needy.

That's all folks...

[Song: as if you don't know... sing along ho!!]

[PS: DAYING!! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...OOOL]

Alcohol Decadence

When people say they drink to forget, they're lying. People drink to remember, because EVERYTIME they drink they remember everything that's crappy on their lives. This time's no exception. I went out with dad and his girlfriend and I had couple [x2] drinks and now I think what's crappy on my life...

Shortening the tale: I WANT A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright alright here's the truth: I miss being cared, missed, loved. I know my friends love me and all that, but you all know what I mean. I'm talking about friggin' romance for G-d sakes and it's been ages since my last crush!!!

I'm an Independent Woman and all that but I want to share moments!! I want to go out and have coffee with someONE and share cute romantic moments! I want a boyfriend!!

I hate being this mellow but yeah, that's how I am now, fuck it!

[Song: Lovin' You - Kylie "G-d" Minogue]

Fonda And Nin

"What I did not anticipate was how the story of my journey would also resonate with men."

- Jane Fonda -

After the excitement of my first Anaïs Nin reading, Delta Of Venus, I was looking forward to read more of her stuff. So during the long dull hours in Guarulhos airport, walking around while I waited for my flight to Salvador I made a little book shopping spree and among my items I got Nin's A Spy In The House Of Love.

Little time after I started it, I did something I've not done in ages: I Googled intel about the book. I found out that it had a lot of psychoanalysis content and that the heroine, Sabina, had many of Nin's behaviors and attitudes. Okay, I don't know if I've mentioned it here but I'm very into biographies and non-fictional books lately; so, to read a novel that has many auto-biographic characteristics... I was in heaven!

"A Spy" is a dense, sometimes tense, deep book about a woman who lies. Sabina has multiple lives that last as long as a love affair of hers last. What is initially an erotic and exciting atmosphere becomes a breathtaking and overwhelming report of a disembodied woman.

The word "disembodied" makes me think of Jane Fonda. In her auto-biography, My Life So Far, she said about how long she lived without trully knowing and taking who she was for herself and lived disconnected from her own body, her own voice. Sabina jumped from a lover to another in order to validate her various souls, her various masks. And the encounter with a young lost man like her made her realize how far she was from herself.

In another moment Sabina says that when one is hurt, one should run away for a while from the places and people that reminded the hurt. At that instant I remembered a passage in Fonda's book when she said one day during the making of They Shoot Horses, Don't They? she found herself driving miles away past the set's entrance.

The point in all this I'm saying is how fiction/reality affects reality/fiction. In a short amount of time I read two books that affected my life in ways I've never experienced before. First Fonda's saying how important it is for us to find our own voices and connect to our boddies; then Nin's reassuring that thought.

Looking at myself I feel rejoiced to certify I'm on my way. When I see so much young people like me lost from themselves till the point of not knowing what they want or where to lead, I feel both like crap and like a hero, for having overcome that obstacle. A self-proof is the previous post with the Dully Lighten Room poem that is exactly about a person who chose to be separated from herself.

So, to everyone I advice to read first Fonda's "My Life So Far", then Nin's "A Spy In The House Of Love"; or even Nin's before Fonda's, doesn't matter. The importance lies in finding ourselves inside ourselves, without outer validation, whether it's in lovers, substances or even religion: "happiness lies in the palm of your hand".

[Song: Secret - Madonna (cliché I know, but fuck it!)]

Recollections

Okay, first of all read this poem:
“Dully Lighten Room”
When the mirror is broken
It's a sign that you don't look so good
Especially if the mirror shows
What is hidden inside
At the top our your tribulations
You should've put your forgotten self-esteem
Trying to live like Amelie
You forgot how it is to breathe

You, silly girl,
Are trying to build the impossible
By turning the world upside down
You, silly girl,
Have been walking on the ceiling as if
It were the greatest deal
But here I tell you so
You're so against the flow
You'll drown

The room is dully lighten
So the view's not exactly clear
Especially in such biased room
You call comfort zone
At the top of your pretentiousness
You spoke loud about yourself
When actually you were
Still in the hard dark shell

You, silly girl,
Have been walking on the ceiling
Have been holding on the grieving
You have neglected yourself
Thinking you were doing the best
I'm just like you so why
Don't we hook up tonight
I wrote it couple months ago inspired by that photo above.
Tonight, as I talked with this guy about nostalgia I came to read this poem again and it remitted me to my adolescence. Nowadays I don't speak loud to conceal my self misregard, but I find it funny to look at my past and see how I used to neglect myself more easily.
It's like this: I used to complain for never having what I wanted. But the problem was that I never knew what I wanted. When we're immersed in a situation we tend to have biased visions about where we stand, like a "dully lighten room". When we know ourselves well we know when we're playing dramatic, therefore we can stop and try to look at the big picture.

We often say that it's hard to do that when we're in the game, but I believe that it's because people are lazy and always choose to remain into the closet [stick to ego] than to "sacrifice your comfort, make your way in a foreign land". Nowadays I thank the Light for helping me to see that and then be more self-conscious, in a way of knowing myself.

So, the silly girl in the dully lighten room is just a reflection from a past of mine that, now embraced, just adds to my experience and maturity. It's oh so good to feel you have some control over your life.

[Song: Isaac - Madonna]

Lost

What if one day I became a castaway, a survivor from some kind of wreck. Or worst, what if one day everybody I knew or cared about died or got lost somehow [that'd be a way of being a castaway].

Okay, this whole Lost conversation is indeed because I've been watching Lost's first season. But with Rosh Hashanah aproaching I've been thinking about the things I want to do for the upcomming year and how everything can be changed with one turning point like that. Of course I'm not supposed to think that way, it's not up to me to worry about misfortunes of life, my job is to live and let it be. So, before the week is done I decided to make a list of the things I want to do next year. Here it is [the items are not in order of importance]:

1 - To get into a public college. I left Marilia to this; I paused my studies there to this; I'm revisiting High School to this.

2 - To live in Salvador. Ever since I went there last July I fell in love with the city's energy. That's the place I want to grow culturally and artistically while I'm in Brasil!

3 - To ignite my experience on the dramatic arts. That's been a dream since forever, I wanna be an actor. A professional one! This year I wanna boost my dream, make it real, tangible.

4 - To be on the loose. That means to do more stuffs by myself, let go of my inhibitions, dare to release my skin, destroy my ego [for good], learn how to deal with people by my own [without other's assistance - "I can make it alone"].

5 - To get a boyfriend. "'Cause I'm so tired of waiting in restaurants. Reading the critics and comics alone..." [Hate to admit it but yeah.]

6 - To be more responsible. Sounds contraditory with #4 but I believe that they can balance each other. I want to control myself about expenses, about the things I say and do that affect other people, about my future.

That's all I can think of so far. Actually I think it's good enough since it's not good to set ourselves up with a lot of things and get lost later. My job now is to meditate and to view myself accomplishing these things.

LAMED VAV VAV

[Song: The Power Of Good-Bye - Madonna]

Dramas Of The Day

1 - My mom with her resentful e-mails and her limited way of viewing her own problems;
2 - The DSL modem arrived, we installed but it doesn't work;
3 - My hair is staining my clothes [but I still love it].




[Song: Gone - Madonna]

Uhg...

Gotta love this little one dude! NO way out! He's simply genius.
Biggest regret of the moment: not making hell with my dad to let me go to his concerts in Brasil last week.

PS: Okay, I know all I do now is YouTube posts, but don't blame me if my life is boring lately and all I have to post are these!! u.u

When The Dog Bites... When I'm Feeling Sad

Yeah I do remember my favorite things and one of them is this.

I used to loathe this song, but ever since the Confessions Tour kicked off it sneaked into me and now to see the live performance of it is to feel filled bliss and cheers.

Her hair, her smiles, the way she moves her hips and waves her arms and the cute [and easy] routine make me jealous of everyone who could see all of this live.

But since it's supposed to bring me up I just play it and dance. Join me ho!!

Bundoncé and the Gostosas Girls

Okay, there's this Brazillian TV show called Casseta & Planeta and I hate it. They're not funny, way too goofy for my taste and have the worst timing, besides most of the times they sound like a SNL bad imitation.

However, they get it right sometimes. Here's a parody they did from Beyoncé's Check On It. Simply genius!!!

I Wanna F F-U F-U-C-K!!

The latest books I've read [excpet Frankenstein] curiously are somehow sexual themed. The last one, A Casa dos Budas Ditosos, by João Ubaldo Ribeiro, is about a 70-year-old libertine. It's a genius piece of comedy that follows the stream of consciousness of a fascinating woman, a true feminist that had as life-goal to satisfy her lust.

My next book is [maybe] A Spy In The House Of Love, by Anaïs Nin, which makes me wonder: am I really that honry? Well, the imediate answer is yes, and that's probably why all my last readings [and even movies] have strong sexual connotation. I don't make much inner-fuss about it, especially after reading "A Casa". Its protagonist is so freed about sex that not even my craving for it irks or worries me. It's normal and I admit I'm needing a good fuck to liberate energy and hormones.

But all this gossip about sex is kind of nonsense and boring. I have bored myself with my constant horniness and boy-checking. What's concerned to boys I'm still zero, but at least I've been bumping on some interesting and amusing books and films. The other day I saw Barbarella, but about that another time...

[Song: Let It Will Be - Madonna]

Favorite Teen Icon

Every time this movie is aired I can't help watching it. All the crazy and tacky 90's fashion statements are in it, along with one of the coolest soundtracks and funniest vocabularies. Also there some of the cutest actors: Alicia Silverstone, Paul "Yummy" Rudd and Breckin Meyer, besides a funnier and less bitchy Brittany Murphy. Yeah, I heart Clueless!

What makes this movie one of my favorites is exactly its cluelessness. It's rare nowadays to find teen movies without the dumb pretention of making it serious. Director Amy Heckerling gathered the estereotypes that teenagers themselves tend to build [and then later hate everyone else that follows them] and made a movie that doesn't preach about that, but it does show adolescence triviality and often lack of consideration with life, without however placing the blame. That's why, probably, this is a public favorite.

It's not sexual but not asexual either, it's funny but not idiotic and it's sweet. Cher became an icon with her Austen's Emma-esque personality and it's hard not to love her silly [but amusing] comments and points of view about life; her friends are wacko and lovely, she's the fag-hag that all fag wishes for and that scene where she realizes her love for Josh is just inspiring! It makes us all want a Paul Rudd for us as well.

And I want a life like Cher's!! After all, "sex, clothes and popularity. What's wrong about it?"

[Song: Erotica/You Thrill Me - Madonna]

Focus

[Tracy Lord and Lone Ranger were walking around the town.]

Lone Ranger: Uhg... I'm tired of being alone. I need to find people to connect here... or at least someone to get laid with.

Tracy Lord: No dude! You gotta concentrate on your studies! You're here to study, this town is just a passage way to your real goal. There you socialize!

Lone Ranger: Yeah... you're right. But I do wanna get laid!

[Song: Promises - Kylie Minogue]

Lucas' Current Top 12 songs

I rarely listen to these songs when I sit in front of my PC, but they're all I do on my mp3 player. I have everything here from traditional Jazz to bubble-gum pop... and of course, there's a lot of Madge.

12. In A Sentimental Mood - Duke Ellington and John Coltrane

I've first heard this song when I downloaded Prime's Original Soundtrack and I've been addicted to it ever since. It's a beautiful Jazz rendition with one of the most orgasmic saxophone solos I've ever heard. Besides, it makes the flu I have now sounds a bit fancier, except that I DON'T have a Brian Greenberg to take care of me. Life's a bitch!

11. Try - Nelly Furtado

"All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful
That's life"

I'm a fan of this girl ever since I'm Like A Bird and it's incredible how such a great and underrated artist she is! Her lyrics are always intelligent, fun and touching and her music is exotic and filled with joy. Lately Try has been sneaking into my mind, I'm always catching myself huming it while I do stuffs.

The video is a beautiful homage to Anthony Minghella's 2003 motion picture Cold Mountain: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aBfjWHKu3A

10. Nothing Really Matters - Madonna

"Nothing takes the past away like the future
Nothing makes the darkness go like the light"

How not love that? In the late 90's Madonna delivered us a collection of thrilling upbeat and wild dance tracks married to beautiful deep lyrics. Sounds contradictory, well yeah, who else but Madonna could make us think while we work our asses off on the dancefloor?

09. Where The Wild Roses Grow - Kylie Minogue and Nick Cave

This one follows the gloominess trend that has caught me lately. But aside my inner dramas, this track is a marvel. The hushy whispery vocals of Minogue in it are orgasmic and Caven is scary and he's supposed to be; the string sections are dramatic and beautiful. Besides, who would say that the get-together of a scary-goth artist and a glitzy pop diva would work so well?

The video for it is also a masterpiece: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdB-0SOd6sQ

08. Your Honesty - Madonna

Well, simply because it makes me think of my friends back in Marilia. But, now that I'm hooked by it I started to notice what an amazing track it is. The lyrics are sweet and sexy in a way only Madonna can do. When you think of Like A Prayer, for instance, where she does Baroque-esque blend of religiosity and sexuality, you have no doubt of this woman's brilliance; and in Your Honesty you find that "special quality" with her high vocals combined with delicious guitar hooks.

07. Get Together - Madonna

"If it's bitter at the start
Then it's sweeter in the end"

I'm mega addicted to it since the Confessions Tour started off. I don't have much to say about it though, it's simply beautiful, catchy, cute and hopeful. Love is something we all desire and tend to feel incomplete without, but it's funny that when we're facing it we back off and have second thoughts, because it's not easy to let down the guards/ego; Get Together describes that feeling so well.

The performance on the CT is the cutest thing ever. I wanna spin around myself and do knee-bends on the dancefloor!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqjuHXPaKI0

06. Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland

Come on!! Everyone who likes to shake their asses gotta love this one!! But it's not only that, the empathy between Nelly and Timbaland is amazing and they make cheap flirting talk sound so cool and hip. Furtado's intelligence works even in a supposed-to-be shallow song: who else would say "chilvary" in a pre-sex song?

05. Erotica/You Thrill Me - Madonna

That she's the master of re-invention, there's no doubt; but we can never be prepared to what she can do. For her Confessions Tour Madonna transformed haunt-darky-sexy 1992 Erotica into the cute-dancey-romantic Erotica/You Thrill Me. As for me, I just wanna dance to it.

The performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpRP54hJqOk

04. Chocolate - Kylie Minogue

My photo-log title is "Lucas Wants Romance" and lately it has been more true than ever. Uhg... sometimes I look at myself and see how lame I can get when I'm craving for romance, but now I've been very low-key about it. I mean, I still have butterflies for every cute boy I see on the street and all the feelings of possibility but no further drama than that. However, this desire for love made me hook in one of the best renditions about it. Kylie Minogue's Chocolate is so full of joy and describes perfectly the feelings that a romance-bitch like me feel. All I want is someone to "melt me slowly down"! And yeah, I'm as corny as this song is campy.

03. Peach Trees - Rufus Wainwright

"'Cause I'm so tired of waiting in restaurants
Reading the critics and comics alone"

Enough said... u.u

02. A Public Affair - Jessica Simpson

Ignore the fact it's by Jessica "Annoying" Simpson. This song is simply cool and fun; and to think of her homages in it... uhg amazing!! First and foremost the song resembles Madge's Holiday; everything, since the guitar hooks to the cool bubbles, makes you think of Holiday's fun and joi de vivre. So, when the bitch decided to make her video, guess what she homages? Sorry's video!! Okay, one can say that it's a 1980's Xanadu homage, but Madge did it first, so in recent memory Jessica did a Madge homage. Cheers for her!!

01. Susan MacLoed/In The Groove - Madonna

This was a mix used in her 2004 Re-Invention Tour. First, Into the Groove is one of the coolest songs ever made!! There's no way of avoiding its marvelous beats that make you jump and whril around. But who though it would work perfectly with martial drums and a Scottish bagpipe [Susan]? I guess this is the proof that the perfect songs are those that allow themselves to be changed and still sound like themselves.

The RIT performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPbZFAPMcFk Hoo get us kilts and sticks!!

Intel

Okay, remember Julio?

Earlier tonight I was having this light artsy conversation with a HS-times friend of mine on the MSN. We were saying how much we loved Jazz, the film 8 Femmes and I was telling her to watch Les Parapluis du Cherbourg. Then she started with this we-are-friends can-I-make-an-indiscreet-question kind of crap and I already knew what she was going to ask.

She laughed hard with my reply which was something like: "Hey sweetie, 3 simple tips: Madonna, Classic movies and Judy Garland." So she pleased my ego [she said that was the best answer she'd ever got to that question] and we started to go deeper in that subject: when I found out, if I was outted bla bla bla.

But I moved to the more interesting part of the convo: I asked her about other guys from the school times that she suspected about. She came up with a very interesting and revealing list that made me regret being far from the Conquista scenario for so long!! But well, of course I had a hidden agenda in all that: I hurried and asked about Julio... yeah Julio! Soraya [my friend who I forgot to name earlier] said: "Oh Julio! He IS!"

Well folks, now do you remember the feeling of possibility from two posts down? Yeah, you're so smart!!!!! But along with her intel [new name for gossip] came the information that Julio is about to go to London [!] this month!!!!!!!!

I don't have much time...

[Song: Chocolate - Kylie Minogue]

"Good Memory Kiddo..."

They always say "where there's fire there's heat". That reminds me of my school times when being called gay wasn't a rarity. I was always in denial of course, but later I decided I didn't have to explain anything to anyone, so what was said I [pretended that I] didn't care. Later I would find other classmates that would be bullied by the machos and take on the same action as mine: denial.

In adolescence, as I was discussing with my father yesterday at lunch, image is everything, especially in sexist societies as this one I was brought up in, and the stakes get higher at that particular time. So for my classmates and I it was better to lie to ourselves than to be out of the acceptance zone.

But all this sociological crap is to introduce what happened today. I was at the mall with my family and as we left I ran into an old classmate of mine, Julio César. [Big name uh!] He came towards me with a killer smile and grew taller than what I could remember as we approached each other. He gave me his hand and I shook it but my slow brain [doomed even more by AWFUL cappuccino I had had] didn't recognize him. My inicial receptivity to his smile was more because of the smile itself and the fact that he had a beard around it, than to the fact I knew him.

It was a brief greeting and as dad and I walked away I told him:

"If you ask me who he is I'll have no answer."

"Good memory kiddo..." he replied.

And I put myself to thinking... so, just like that, he came to my mind: Julio the other classmate who used to be bullied by the machos. Julio used to walk with the machos [like the way Gretchen followed Regina], so I imagine that concealing was harder for him; but it made me want to get connections with him again. I mean, I have no idea if he's outted [at least to his own mind] but uhg he's a cutie and as the old say says...

[Song: Love At First Sight - Kylie Minogue]

... life as a movie!

What wouldn't I give now for a fuck buddy? Just someone to chill, have a good talk over cappuccino and then lead for a bed somewhere and release the hormons. Nowadays I'd even skip the cappuccino part... But my longer for intimacy wouldn't allow it and it has made me sort of cynical lately. A week ago I met the guy who gave me the "impressive instant" from early August and it was a blast. But I don't know if I told [and I probabaly didn't] but I noticed he wasn't boyfriend material.

There are two basic things with which I can explain why that; both are ego-driven but only one is clearly ego-appealing. [You gotta guess which!]

The first is: he was kind of dumb; I mean, not that we actually had time to talk about serious things, but I sensed a certain air of ignorance and superficiality around him. The way he bent down to his supposed-ex's fairy-queene friend was kind of pitiful; probably he felt guilty and thought that being obsequious would redeem himself, which means he wasn't a very strong person, so...

The second thing is: he was the ultimate ego-pleaser. He called me hot, told me that my kiss was breathtaking and tore himself down on compliments, to me! You know I'm in the struggle to destroy my ego, but that was a lot and made me so fucking horny... well you know what happened.

Then, those two little facts perhaps wouldn't allow me to be in a relationship with Tiago [remember I'm doing suppositions based on them], but I know he would turn out to be a very good fuck buddy. And before this post stars to sink in "woulda, shoulda, couldas" let me go to the point: I still WAAAAAAAAAAANT [yeah that way] romance!!! I'm close to the point of going to one of those blind dates reality shows... uh, okay not so much. But the thing is: I want to share romance, I want to step ahead the daydreaming that's been boring me currently and wage intellectual intercourse!

So, last Tuesday, as I waited for my flight to Salvador at Guarulhos airport in São Paulo, I took courage to pay an absurd just for the sake of killing boredom and checking out my emails. Then comes my surprise: a guy emailed me!! He said he saw my profile on match.com and decided to email me. I felt so flattered and fuzzy inside!! You know me, the more down-to-earth and sober I may try to be I can't help feeling all perky and bouncy with the feeling of possibility! But few days after my last reply to his last email, nothing happens and I'm starting to get very cynical all over again.

So oh G-d, when will I stop pretending my life is the movies I watch and so much love?! Hmm... well actually, deep down I don't want to. I mean, during this period of dryness and absolutely no metaphysical fun filled with cynicism and impatience the movies and the books have given me at least fantasy. While I don't actually find my so-called-knight-in-shiny-armor-rescuer man I stick with the William Holden-s, Cary Grant-s, Micheal Vartan-s etc etc. As my lovely Ho says: "I believe in film romance"!

And to give a perfect closure to my romance-craving post guess which is the Movie Of The Day on IMDB?! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058450/ Yeah!! I want myself a Nino Castelnuovo but this time with a very and cute happy ending. I'm sick of the sad ones so overrated by the intellectual wannabes!! I want a film romance!!

PS: Ho, a cookie if you guess which actor I went to check out the name's correct spelling on IMDB! ;)

[Song: Skin - Madonna]

FUCK!!

Yesterday when I opened the box with my CDs I was hit by an anger to see that some of them had their acrylic boxes broken. No, not some, just my FAVORITE ones!!!! The Madonna and Kylie ones!!! Well, I'll try to buy new thingies tomorrow and be happy again.
Life in Conquista has been very numb. For now all I've done was wake up and walk around the house waiting for time to eat or whatever... Zenaide's been my only source of fun around here and the weekend's on and she'll go home and uhg... I gotta stop whinning and do something!!
[Song: A Public Affair - Jessica Simpson]

Saudade

"When I get lost in space

I can't return to this place

'Cause you're the one

Nothing fails, no more fears

Nothing fails, you washed away my tears"

When I went to hug Mrs. Maria she thanked me for everything I had done for her daughter. At that moment I was the one who felt like thanking. She probably didn't know that it was her daughter, Tania, one of the first people in Marília to save me. After my first drunk-spree when the alcohol seemed to go, and all the things we tend to forget when tipsy returned to bite my ass, Tania was the one there listening to my everlasting drama talk. She was the first person in Marília that I trusted completely, that I opened up.

Then I remember that later, when eveyrbody was already asleep, I'd be up, sat alone thinking about my craps... until he comes, my mysterious boy: Filipe. Okay!! Now I confess: I've always fancied about him. One simply can't not in the beginning; his enquire-ish nature added to those boyish charms at first daze you away and you forget the annoying self-centred narcissism that comes along. Before you know him deeply, Filipe is one of the most fascinating human beings one can ever meet, and later when his other more grayish colors are shown you can't help choosing to tap yourself to the previous ones. I hate to admit but we got very apart on the last months; can't say if my coming out can be credited to that or if it's only me who didn't have the patience to deal with the fact that we were in different levels of consciousness... but we had wonderful moments.

Moments mostly shared with Juliana too. Oh that girl is my angel! She has pissed me off so much during the last days with her reluctance in growing up and evolving; however her constant support and love made me see that I was the imature one in not seeing the good sides on her actions. Her immaturity challenged my patience and she was helping me out even when I tried to push her off. The bitch knew me so well and I couldn't help loving her. I don't think I ever could conceal anything from Juliana; she was definitely the one I trusted enough to come out at first.

Then comes the forth side of the quartet: Fernanda. My sweetheart. She would always be a star in my films, no matter how few were her lines or limited was her time onscreen, they'd always be a marvel and full of joy. Sometimes she pissed the hell off of me, even more than her cousin [Juliana], but I could never stop loving her. To tell her goodbye was so painful and sad that I simply dried up; probably my brain paused and blocked my emotions for some kind of stupid self-protection, but even if at the moment I couldn't express I was feeling like shit to leave her, I was... I am.

Later I met so many: Marilia and her lovely dirty talk; she made me laugh and realize how such a wonderful lover I could be... Mariana and Karla and their slight poison also made me laugh and helped to take care of my own tongue and watch my ego; they also provided me the share of nicotine I wanted to have but was too chicken-shit to have it myself. [Thank G-d!] Erika and her limited view about herself helped me to see how I should not be and what behaviors I should avoid; but she was one of the most loved, with her gratitude and sincerity. I felt so happy to help her through defying and challenging moments of hers... I will be forever thankful to her for always giving me the oportunity to be generous.

And finally she comes: my eternal crush, my soulmate. From the moment I decided to go back to Bahia I knew she'd be the hardest to say goodbye to. Nathalia simply became more than what I could expect she would turn out to be. To see her grow with me during this one and a half year was one of the most fulfilling experiences so far. The night she went to pick me up for the last time I saw her crying and I felt horrible to feel I was still dry... I wanted to cry with her, I wanted to show that to leave her was gravely painful. G-d what a girl! What a woman she's becoming! I pray to always be present in her life even with the distance. Nathalia made me think, pushed my buttons. She taught me that utter honesty isn't always required and that intimacy, if not with her, is a shit!

As the bus hit the road I earplugged myself to the song that will always connect me to her: Get Together. Then I finally cried: overwhelmingly painful and nonstopable tears. Who else will give me delightful and thought-provoking car rides? Who else will understand my glances even before I speak and check out gorgeous men with me? From all my friends she was the one that mostly made me comfortable about my sexuality. And yet she attracted me!! While the other members of the Timeless Quartet [Ju, Fi and Fer] will always co-star my movie, it's Nathalia that I want to share the screenplay with. What a hell of a great writer she is! I still think she could let herself go a bit more and appreciate the art of self-depreciation, but it's just her, that's her way, that's what makes her unique and perfect to my eyes. Her curiosity and the way she shows honest interest for what you're talking about... I'm gonna miss that deeply and will never replace her... ever: "Hearts that intertwine, we lived in a different kind of world."

Darlings, take care of yourselves and never cease the hunger for evolution! Fight everyday to become better human beings and to make a difference. And please, please, please, do not forget me.

"You have a special quality

You're bringing out the very best in me

You have a special quality, you are

Pulling me closer to you..."

[Soundtrack: "Nothing Fails, Love Profusion, Your Honesty, Forbidden Love" and "Get Together" by Madonna. (Of course!)]

Get Together

On Saturday, after a rain that seemed to be sweeping the whole town and a lonesome kind-of-depressing pizza I decided I should go out. And I went to Opera [of course].

Due to the rain and a concert that was happening on the other side of the town, the club was kinda empty, which was kinda good, cause I danced my ass off ALL OVER the dancefloor!!! Lol, okay, I'm overreacting, I danced my way and in my space like always... [Yeah, right!] Funny thing was that two guys came on to me and I dumped both, very politely and ladylike, ok ho!

Then later, after the drag-queen [yuk] show I spotted a cute guy and went to the dancefloor to do my "average dance routine" in front of him, and guess what was playing!! GET TOGETHER!!! Was I happy? Sure!! So an emo went to the guy I was wanting but he backed him off so that was my chance. I approached him and asked if he was alone and he said "yeah"! So when I looked straight at his face it hit me: "Oh my G-d!! It's the cute guy from three weeks ago!! The impressive instant one!!!" What were the odds? I mean... twas my last Saturday in town and I met HIM!!!

This time I asked his name, Thiago, and again asked what should we do [casting my silly-sexy looks]; he led me to another corner from the dancefloor and kissed me. And it was.......... not good. It felt awkward, out of place and not focused. He stopped and I asked what was wrong [asking, always asking!]. He muttered some words I could not get and took me back to the backyard [the club is like a house]. There again he kissed me and there again it did not fit. Uhg, where was the impressive instant? I was already kicking myself for idealizing things again when he looked around as if watching our backs, stared at me and said "okay, now it'll work!"

Well, Lucas trusted and... bang!! His drum crushed me!! No, his kiss dazed me! I was suddenly breathless and more than excited. His arms laced my waist as mine would lace his neck. We fit perfectly and oh G-d he was intense! Then he started touching me and saying I was hot [which was very ego pleasing by the way... LOL!!] until he started to dare more. His hands would find his way into my pants and I got a bit scared for we weren't exactly alone in the place... but you know what? Fuck it! I went with the flow!

So, the energy was so hot and so intense that I broke my rule and we went into the dark-room. There he dared even more... he went down on me and... well, yeah! But before that a guy... nah, a fairy-queene broke into the room [which was empty except for us], looked fiercely at us and went away. I laughed and felt somewhat ashamed... I realized I like privacy a lot.

After we "finished" we went out and sat at a bench. I told him I was going away on Monday and he said he was trully sorry because he absolutely wanted to meet me again. I felt very fuzzy inside and also wanted to meet him again, he was definitely a gas. So, he tried to take a pic of me with his phone [my hair was dreadful so I didn't let him and the light, thankfully, didn't help] and I decided to give him my number. When I took his cell to give it to him the fairy-queene appears again. And with his very affected voice he called Thiago. Thiago told him to come to us but then he yelled at him telling him to go there. I started to laugh inside and he went.

The fairy-queene then screamed "will you come to say goodbye to your BOYFRIEND?!" And looked bitterly at me... and I laughed, this time outside. Thiago said something and came to me. The thing is, that emo guy who Thiago dumped earlier during Get Together was the same emo from that earlier week, who happened to be his boyfriend. Right before he, the fairy-queene, come and make such scene, he was telling me that their relationship was over due to the emo's jealousy and insecurity [this last one added by me], so I didn't feel any used or weird or whatever to learn that the emo was still attached to him.

I actually found all that really funny. I hate people who don't have the guts to do things their own and tell friends to do for them. The two guys I dumped earlier never came directly to me, always asked the queeny talkative friend to ask my name and number. So the emo ex didn't get my respect at all, even if tonight he looked a bit cuter. When Thiago came closer to me I was still typing my name in his phone; the queene came with him and very bitchy asked me if I had two cellulars. I, very politely again, looked at him with the most cynical of eyes and answered "no, just one" and smiled, of course. I finished typing and handed Thiago his phone, but the primadona took it from my hand. I, smelling trouble, got up said "good night folks" but before I leave I went to Thiago and kissed him at the cheek with the brightest of grins and left.

With a huge afterglow I said goodbye to the hot bartender and paid my bill. As I walked home the bitchy-queene and the emo left the club too. Okay, I admit I was afraid they'd come after me. Not afraid of having my ass kicked by two fags, but the whole confusion itself... I wouldn't lower myself that way. I watched my back and the bitchy yelled "and you better not look at me!" I, well, laughed my ass off and went home very gleeful and excited. It was THE night.

-----------------------

Last night, Sunday, I went to this pub I love as some sort of goodbye party. Most of my friends were there: Nathalia, Juliana, Filipe, Marilia and her fiancé, and Fernanda. Cintia, Nadia and Mariane [I don't remember exactly her name] passed by to wish me good trip and luck.

I had my favorite drinks [Tequila, Marguerita and Vodka] and felt sad when Fer started to cry. I, however, didn't cry. Actually I dried up, I wasn't feeling marvelous but I could neither show any emotion. I still can't say if it was because of the alcohol or simply because I'm very decided about what I'm doing... or maybe I'm just becoming insensitive.

[Song: Erotica/You Thrill Me - Madonna]

Update...

Lucas's been without internet since Monday, when his pc was shipped to São Paulo. Not only his computer but also the TV and the whole furniture except for a matress and a pillow and a blanket. So it's just him, Jane Fonda, Dr Frankestein and an mp3 player.... On Tuesday I'm back to Bahia and, I hope, more inspired to write a post...

[Song: La Isla Bonita (Confessions Tour) - Madonna]

Give Me Back Solitude!!

It's funny how your mood and spirit get used to certain situations and how easily they feel abused under certain circumstances.

For the last two weeks I have been living alone. Just me, myself and my way. I have been walking around the house with nothing but my underwear, enjoying my music out loud whenever I felt like, working on my thoughts and also on errands and reading my books. I got used to take a shower with the bathroom's door opened so I could hear the music playing in my bedroom; and never freaking about the kitchen because I would wash stuffs right after I used, so the pile would never be too big.

This weekend however, my friends came over... and stayed. Since then I don't read, I can't listen to my music, I don't watch whatever I want, neither keep my kitchen clean. Uhg, I love these three friends of mine but I really get pissed when the limit line between hospitality and abuse is crossed. Since they're my friends and know I'm alone and all, wouldn't hurt to offer help and do stuffs around the house, such as a little sweep or washing the dishes without having me asking to do so.

Sorry, this is ego-way but I miss my solitude and the silence whenever I wanted. I indeed had good times with them during the weekend but limits are limits and people have to see them without being constantly warned about. That's the problem with us human beings, we are always waiting and hoping for someone else to notice the things we should see long time before; especially the ones right in front of us.

I know I could've told them the way I really wanted things; then I admit I had my share on the failure of communication, but I do believe people have to try to do more than what they think it's enough.

Anyways, I'd never thought I'd say this, but thank G-d tomorrow's Monday.

[Song: Too Darn Hot - Stacey Kent]

MSN Paquera

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
oi gato

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
ola
)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
quem é?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
infelizmente aqui não tenho fotos mas da próxima vc verá..
ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
sou debora do riogrande do sul

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
hauhauah
)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
de onde a gente se conhece?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
do msn paquera

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
ohhh
)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
eu to no msn paquera?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
sim, e gosteri do seu perfil
ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
goatei
ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
gostei

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
hauhauahuaha....eu nem sabia q tava no msn paquera

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
pra mim foi surpresa pq nem eu sabia qd abri meu msn estava seu nome la

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
como assim?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
está todo seu perfil, e eu adcionei

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
ohhh...
)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
qnts anos vc tem debora?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
bom isto não se pergunta a uma dama...ha ha ha
ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
mas sou bem mais velha que vc tenhho 38

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
oh debora... me diga se a vida não é uma desgraça

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
não acho, pq vc pensa assim?

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
bem...vc gostou do meu perfil ne?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
sim é por isso que estou aqui com vc...

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
hmm...entao tvz meu perfil danadinho esqueceu de te dizer
)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
q em vc falta algo q é importante pra mim

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
então me diga...

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
hmmm... posso dizer msm?

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
sim

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
bem... pau

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
soui transsex..

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
ohhh...entao vc tem coisa demais

ALGUEM CARENTE diz:
ta bom então tenha boa sorte..

)( Lucas Ferrante )( É Melhor Ser Alegre Que Ser Triste... diz:
vc tbm!!

I'm [Not] Going To Tell You A Secret

Some secrets are better left unsaid
This one is surely like that
But where exactly is the line
Between what you CAN
And what you SHOULD NOT hide?
[Song: Loving Days - Kylie Minogue]

Long Live The Bitch!!

Today, August 16, is Madonna's birthday!!!! Yaaaaay!!

She was the woman who taught me how to never take a "no" for an answer but still be wise and mature to recognize when I'm wrong, or when something won't work out and must be let go. She taught me the power of good-bye and how to go deeper, and she's been bringing me a bunch of people that I love, loved and altogether contributed to mold me into the person I am. Well... actually one of them matters the most... that's exactly you Pinocchio!!!!

However, in this Madonna day what I really wanna celebrate is the fact that that bitch taught and keeps teaching us all [since she's always reinventing herself] how to take a holiday!! So c'mon all you motherfuckers!! Let's celebrate!!!

[Song: Holiday - Madonna]