"Today The Sun's On Us"

I was reluctant in writing about this, but Red is staying here with some friends from college.

Uhh... who's Red? Comment guy's new name [don't ask]. At first I was really afraid of facing this situation which I couldn't get away from, but as it is finally here I've been having a change of heart.

I'm a junkie, this obsession of mine towards him was really leaving me depressed, and having to hang around him from Wednesday to Sunday sounded like a pure OD danger, especially after The Hours redux I had on the Tuesday. Well, I won't say everything's pretty cute but I guess I finally decided to look for other things. For example, the fact that I have no money for the rest of the month suddenly made me more worried and sad than any heartache I went through because of this feeling I've got for him. Lol... where's the good part, you might be wondering. Well, I never saw my money troubles as a definitive and helpless situation. Even if I'm totally fucked up now by my lack of tact with money I know what to do to get out of this; and I'm sure you can remember of how hopeless I've been feeling.

But what really made me ignite some optimism into my veins were two conversations I had with him. The first made me feel like shit and hate him even more, which is a sign of passion and definitelly wouldn't help me in anything. As for the second chat I finally knew why he didn't pick me back in February; nah, I won't say it here since it's personal stuff. But as I heard him I kept asking myself "why the fuck did I ask it?" and the same reply was always given by my ego "because you're a stupid masochist." True, makes sense... I am one. But how to explain the fact that after that new information I suddenly didn't hate him anymore? Point in fact, not even the overwhelming supposed love that I felt was present. And a wave of happiness that I was unable to let in ever since they came here [and Lord knows how much I've been desiring for more company than Edith - the cat], finally got me.

Right now, as I have musical epiphanies I feel like a gap that's been on the whole thing has been fulfilled. Maybe it's too soon for me to say it's finally my closure, but one thing is true: the tenderness and care I'm feeling towards him now is way better than any previous love. I can breathe now while he looks my way, and I feel compelled to love him for who he is and what he can offer me instead for what I wish him should give me.

Yup, I'm scared to death to face the world again after so many months in prison; it's not easy to start walking again after so many years on a bed. But you know what the lovely Brit says: "don't let today get lost, cos today the sun's on us."

[Song: Today The Sun's On Us - Sophie Ellis-Bextor]