BitchyList

Saturday, June 09, 2007

"Today The Sun's On Us"

I was reluctant in writing about this, but Red is staying here with some friends from college.
Uhh... who's Red? Comment guy's new name [don't ask]. At first I was really afraid of facing this situation which I couldn't get away from, but as it is finally here I've been having a change of heart.
I'm a junkie, this obsession of mine towards him was really leaving me depressed, and having to hang around him from Wednesday to Sunday sounded like a pure OD danger, especially after The Hours redux I had on the Tuesday. Well, I won't say everything's pretty cute but I guess I finally decided to look for other things. For example, the fact that I have no money for the rest of the month suddenly made me more worried and sad than any heartache I went through because of this feeling I've got for him. Lol... where's the good part, you might be wondering. Well, I never saw my money troubles as a definitive and helpless situation. Even if I'm totally fucked up now by my lack of tact with money I know what to do to get out of this; and I'm sure you can remember of how hopeless I've been feeling.
But what really made me ignite some optimism into my veins were two conversations I had with him. The first made me feel like shit and hate him even more, which is a sign of passion and definitelly wouldn't help me in anything. As for the second chat I finally knew why he didn't pick me back in February; nah, I won't say it here since it's personal stuff. But as I heard him I kept asking myself "why the fuck did I ask it?" and the same reply was always given by my ego "because you're a stupid masochist." True, makes sense... I am one. But how to explain the fact that after that new information I suddenly didn't hate him anymore? Point in fact, not even the overwhelming supposed love that I felt was present. And a wave of happiness that I was unable to let in ever since they came here [and Lord knows how much I've been desiring for more company than Edith - the cat], finally got me.
Right now, as I have musical epiphanies I feel like a gap that's been on the whole thing has been fulfilled. Maybe it's too soon for me to say it's finally my closure, but one thing is true: the tenderness and care I'm feeling towards him now is way better than any previous love. I can breathe now while he looks my way, and I feel compelled to love him for who he is and what he can offer me instead for what I wish him should give me.
Yup, I'm scared to death to face the world again after so many months in prison; it's not easy to start walking again after so many years on a bed. But you know what the lovely Brit says: "don't let today get lost, cos today the sun's on us."
[Song: Today The Sun's On Us - Sophie Ellis-Bextor]

1 comment:

Notas Sobre Creación Cultural e Imaginarios Sociales said...

"Flames to dust
Lovers to friends"

But unlike Nelly I don't think that this means "all good things come to an end", it just means that we have to let it will be poopsie. Life WILL continue even when we're not here anymore (I doubt it with global warming but you know what I mean) and it's silly of us to bring the process of change to a stop, just because it doesn't benefit us.