Bitchy Talk

As you know I moved. As you know I was PCless. As you know I still have no decent internet connection. Due to those reasons it was pratically impossible for me to edit and post February's Bitchy Talk with Gabriel. But better late than never and here we are. The interview was done in late January so there are some anachronisms, but anachronisms are soooo fun, enjoy!

------------------------------------

“Just a fucked up girl looking for her own peace of mind”, Gabriel quotes Kate Winslet’s character on 2004 Michel Gondry’s motion picture Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind to describe himself. 2006 was a turning point for him because many things happened on the sentimental area and he managed to learn and evolve with them. I can’t say for sure when and how Gabriel and I became friends but what matters is that we are. We share the love for Madonna and some other similar tastes like Alanis Morissette and Björk, but Gabriel is more into the Indie side of music and life in general.

In his Like A Blogger blog he goes from the confessional to the pop cultural. He has a talent in manipulating song lyrics to say what he means at the moment. In 2007 Gabriel is meaning to clean the house, taking care of neglected aspects in the past year and trying not to repeat the same mistakes; after all, the “knowledge of the existence of a hole makes the ‘same’ path totally different”.

)( Lucas Bradshaw)( Times That I Was Thinking: drama is the basis of every human being’s life. What are you recent ones? Things you know that could be solved in a minute but part of you delays and complicates it.

_Gabriel: wow… how much time do we have? Haha. You know I tend to maximize all my problems. I’m super dramatic because sometimes it’s cool. But when the drama tires me I solve it at once. I finished some already, by the way, but I’d say my main ones now are my lack of money and time – that are actually lack of planning. Oh and relationships… uhg!

LB: oh nevermind relationships; it’s crappy for everyone!

_G: That’s comforting…

LB: but why do you think that being dramatic is cool? [This is no judgmental question.]

_G: I don’t know. I think that that way I feel and analyze the situation in an extreme way too. The fuck-what-do-I-do euphoria has helped me many times. Everyone knows that my only solid relationship is with hyperbole.

LB: hahaha… hyperbole rules! Exaggeration is part of human’s psyche and amen! Without it we wouldn’t have the Baroque, Marie Antoinette and Almodóvar pictures.

_G: exactly! And what would be of the world without them?

LB: anyway, I meant to start with this but it slipped from my mind: what are you listening?

_G: when we started it was All Is Full Of Love. Now it’s Army Of Me [Björk].

LB: ahhh… we’re synching and we didn’t even notice! That’s romantic.

_G: oh, that’s true! You’re listening to the same album. That’s cute indeed.

LB: what does Army Of Me bring upon you?

_G: actually nothing. It’s a beautiful song but it’s far from being my favorite Björk. I like to scream along etc, but…

LB: which’s your favorite Björk?

_G: Hyper-Ballad and Jóga… Venus As A Boy!

LB: Hyper-Ballad is mega dramatic! This thing of casting stuff from a cliff is beyond drama-queen.

_G: hahaha… see?! It’s a dramatic song indeed. I identify myself with her fascination about the noises of the falling objects. I used to do that as a kid on the neighbor’s roof… and I like the metaphor of living at the top of a mountain with a marvelous view, but it’s also a place you can fall from and die.

LB: do you consider yourself a bitchy person?

_G: define bitchy.

LB: lol! Uhh… it’s a person like… me! Fine, I’ll be more specific: bitchy are those who lose the friend but never miss the joke. That sarcasm is the basis of the dialogue.

_G: ahm, ah… I don’t think I’m bitchy then. I have my moments, but I’m not always sarcastic, not with everyone.

LB: do you complain a lot?

_G: it depends. I complain about life in general. Things are cool and there I am in drama mode but I know I’m exaggerating. I complain about things everyone does; something from work, a low grade etc.

LB: welcome to the club. That’s bitchy!

_G: is it really?

LB: that’s the difference between bitchy and annoying. Bitchy has the conscience that good part of the drama springs from exaggeration and knows that there’s a moment that normal mode must be on. Annoying people are just annoying!

_G: hahahahaha… get it! But I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks I’m annoying – not bitchy.

LB: those are annoying people who don’t get bitchy! What’s your film obsession at the moment?

_G: re-watching some movies. I work at a video place and I clearly see how the productions tend to be repetitive and bad. I can talk about any film to a costumer; even if I haven’t seen it. Explain the end of a film I didn’t see as well. That’s why I got into this phase of re-watching my favorite movies. I guess that holidays have much to do with it too. A lot of crap is produced nowadays, that’s disappointing.

LB: hmm… maybe you haven’t looked out properly. In fact the mainstream has nothing worth watching.

_G: that’s why I firstly explained that I work at a video place. Only the mainstream comes to my hand, and they’re awful!

LB: the only decent popcorn movies from last year were Prada and Cassino Royale. And uhg… those humanized animals animations, who can put up with them?! Only Happy Feet was good.

_G: who wants to see Bruce Willis saving the world again? And Morgan Freeman being the lead’s neighbor or grandfather?

LB: argh! I hate Morgan Freeman! And he’s so good! Or is he really? I mean, all his characters are the same.

_G: yes he’s a great actor. I shiver just thinking of him in Driving Miss Daisy. But now he does appearances in 1200 movies and all of the 1200 movies suck. He turned out to be very repetitive.

LB: he’s omnipresent like Cate Blanchett. I know you don’t care about award season, but the Academy’s nominations were out today. Did you see the list?

_G: I was on my lunchtime when I heard the names Scarlett Johanson and Kate Winslet on TV and thought of an accident with both; then I realized it was the Academy’s nods but didn’t care to know them.

LB: shame on you Gabriel! But anyway, the lists for best actress is: Helen Mirren [The Queen], Meryl [Prada], Penelope [Volver], Winslet [Little Children] and Judi Dench [Notes On A Scandal]. Which of these have you seen or is dying to see?

_G: I saw Prada and Volver, but truth be told I never even heard of the other ones. By name I can’t even say who Helen Mirren is; I stopped caring about the Academy a while ago. Go ahead Lucas, boo me.

LB: hahahaha… in fact the Academy lost some of its credibility; but there’s a whole process until the Oscars. A film doesn’t win the Oscar just because the Academy thought it pretty. It has a long critical and audience way to go. Now shall we talk about someone that is truly you obsession, Alanis Morissette. How did you meet her?

_G: Hands Clean. I found the song cute and the video very original. When I bought and heard the album I thought it as one of the most genius things ever done.

LB: until you heard Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie.

_G: the lyrics are amazing and I loved all the arrangements. The cover reminded me of The Beatles - a great reference. Then a used records store was open next to my house, where I bought the previous two. And I simply died. I really do think her poetry one of the best; they have all to be with me. I think Alanis is a beautiful example that you can change whenever you want, be mad and lucid at the same time.

LB: I agree! For a long time I’ve been at the same stage of her lyrics… they were things I longed to say, I longed to do. If my life were a musical it’d have many songs by Morissette. Nowadays I identify myself more with her style than the messages. I absolutely love how she stuffs a verse with million words. Joining You and I Was Hoping are G-d.

_G: I know! I was 12 when I first heard these songs and they were things that didn’t rhyme nor have choruses. Kind of revolutionary for a friendless skinny boy like me, so bored of seeing Backstreet Boys’ posters on the newsstands.

LB: what about Madonna?

_G: with Madonna it was sort of a political curiosity, can you believe it? Actually I had the Music album but never cared much about it; but later American Life was available on the web and I fell in love with it. It was all I listened to for a great while. In short I bought everything concerned to her that interested me.

LB: wow, it took me a while for me to accomplish that. And still I don’t have certain things like, Evita’s soundtrack or the You Can Dance [YCD] compilation.

_G: oh no Lucas, I don’t care about those! I hate Evita, and the YCD’s remixes are too 80’s.

LB: oh you don’t like the 80’s, I understand; actually I don’t, but I learned to respect that. But wow, Evita is amazing!

_G: it bores me; the story doesn’t fascinate me, it’s a slow movie… looks like an endless music video.

LB: okay, let’s cut the Madonna off, before we start drooling. What are your greatest dreams?

_G: at the moment I study journalism but I’d like to be a writer. It’s even a kind of cliché “oh, didn’t make it as a writer, be a journalist,” but I’d really like to be one. My grandpa’s a writer and I admire him a lot; his books are praised in the field, but I don’t think of underground literature for a second. I want to write good books, that would sell well and I could support myself with them. I guess this is my greatest and most impossible one; I’ll probably end up writing obituaries with euphemisms.

LB: lol… self-depreciation = bitchy! You noticed how I wanna drag everyone to the club right!

_G: oh yes!! *fear*

LB: anyways, journalism has a lot to do with writing. After all it’s a career of reading and writing. Now Gabs, I’d like you to pick an image or two that you would relate to yourself in the moment and tell me why you chose them.

_G: can I make it three?

LB: sure!

_G: the first is a painting by René Magritte called The Empire Of Lights [on the top], that makes me shudder; it’s a house reflected by the water. It’s a surrealist piece and I was sat in a bookstore with this heavy book trying to see the surrealism in it, and when I noticed it I had tears on my eyes.

_G: recently I found an image from my favorite scene from Eternal Sunshine: when Joel and Clementine are under the sheets and she asks him if he thinks she’s ugly, it’s her best monologue in the film.

_G: the third is a picture from Madonna/Steven Klein’s 2004 collaboration, X-Static Process. To be more specific it’s a page from The Re-Invention Tour’s tourbook where there’s half of her body [red corset/red string/name of G-d] and another is just her face and the drawing of her eye is the head of stencil bird. That’s so beautiful, it was my wallpaper for a long time.

LB: okay, but why did this touched you so deeply? Try to rationalize the feeling.

_G: I’m not sure, I thought that bird so sensible sided by that corset, that gives a strange notion of movement; the arms with the veins. I think that shoot was a kind of underground; it was aesthetic but also very conceptual. I had that image on my notebook beside a Lennon picture.

LB: interesting combo!

Okay...

... I said I wasn't gonna do it, but fuck it whatever!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!
[Song: Ray Of Light - Madonna]

Lucas Is Fucked Up

No... no rut complaining, no boys complaining, no money complaining, no boredom complaining. It's just that I got this horrible sundden cold and besides fever my whole body feels like shit. But shall we trust on the pharmaceutical industry to make me feel better tomorrow.

[Song: History - Madonna]

Taurus Top 5

We're on the month of Aries. I don't have to say it's my favorite month because I happen to be an Aries, so I won't discourse much on it.

In Kabbalah it's said that the first twelve days of Aries are like preambles for all the other months of the year; it's like they're the first fields where we'll settle our battles, like the recognition of territory. Kabbalist Isaac Luria created a guide to the first twelve days of Aries, each day corresponding to a sign from the zodiac. Yesterday, the 22nd, was Taurus day and we were supposed to “avoid being comfortable” by “listening to others, embracing discomfort, actively sharing with others, avoiding complacency.” My soundtrack for such a day [that started with a stressing walk to the bank and was adorned by a sleepy class and internet troubles] might not have much to do with the essence of Taurus day, but these songs helped get through the day by sometimes reconnecting me to the good part of things, in other words, the Light.

5. “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” by Judy Garland

I closed the day with a screening of one of my favorite musicals, Meet Me In St. Louis. This lullaby-esque holiday song has a so obvious sorrowful tone that it often hides the sweet optimism contained in the lines. The marvelous and magically beautiful Judy Garland, as Miss Esther Smith, sing about living the moment and enjoying the happiness of Christmas, forgetting the troubles of life that will surely melt away in the future.

4. “Peach Trees” by Rufus Wainwright

It’s amazing how this song sounds fresh to me even when I’ve listened to it a million times. Wainwright performs it with an ailment and emotion that the sad lyrics become somewhat soothing after a while. It’s a song that not only grows on you but also grows itself, feeling like a giant wave that is to crash on a shore of resignation. The lines “’cause I’m so tired of waiting in restaurants/reading the critics and comics alone” [that happen to be some of my favorite lines ever written] ends in a delusional and magic meeting with James Dean. For a stressed and heartbroken person they bring nothing but hope.

3. “Like A Virgin” by Madonna

What’s to say about a song that goes: “I was beat, incomplete/I’d been had/I was sad and blue/but you made me feel/yeah you made me feel shiny and new/like a virgin/touched for the very first time”? I guess it’s enough said.

2. “Vibrate” by Rufus Wainwright

“My phone’s on vibrate for you”. Waiting, anticipation, suspense. These things alone are enough to make an Aries stressed, not because of others but because we still wait. If you read my latest posts you’ll notice my mind and heart have been waiting for the next best thing to happen. I know I should not expect the Universe to always give me what I wish - I’m working on that – but this song translates a lot of this kind of depressing feeling that has been hanging on me for a while. The Britney Spears mention in the lyrics is very witty and I’m sure the melody is inspired, if not totally sampled, by Bach.

1. “On The Radio” by Regina Spektor

This song goes about human behavior, of how we live our days trying to make it right, connecting one fact or thrill to the other - sometimes losing ourselves in the process – but always companied by memory. On Aries day [the 21st] we were supposed to “remember the past to avoid repeating mistakes” and though in the rapid pace and careless life of ours we do repeat craps we are always aware of them. Spektor’s song juxtaposes actions getting a kind of stream of consciousness/life rhythm: “no, this is how it works/you pear inside yourself/you take the things you like/and try to love the things you took/and then you take that love you made/and stick it into some/someone else’s heart/pumping someone else’s blood/and walking arm in arm/you hope it don’t get harmed/but even if it does/you’d just do it all again”.

Fellas That Were In The Mood

Just a quickie to express the beginning of a quirky sadness. Alais is moving out to Rio on the 30th. Salvador surely will be less fun!

Being Blasé

I think my gaydar is broken.

Last weekend I was having drinks with my folks at this cool café and I [thought I] got flirtted by this cute British guy - Daniel. We talked and I gave him my number and email, and he invited me to go to the inn he was staying in the morrow because Caetano Veloso was going to be there. I was happy with the possibility of getting a hook-up, but it was the possibility of knowing Caetano in person that got me all excited about. On the following night we [Alais, Chasha - Alias's roomate - Nina and I] went to the inn and we met Mr. Veloso [I DIED!!]; afterwards we went to this cool place called Borracharia ["tire place" in Portuguese] to dance and make some scene. There I learned from Alais that Daniel wasn't gay.

Lucas 0 x 1 Cold Mean Universe.

Saturday I finally went to the party I was anticipating for a whole month: the Nave [Portuguese for ship]. Ha, it was marvelous! I caused a lot, danced like crazy and when the darling DJ played Hung Up I jumped on the stage with Alais and danced even more. Before it we got to dance with this group of unknowns [by me] and among them there was this cute thing; he was so pretty and danced so cooly I could not take my eyes of him. Afterwards Alais, me and him were dancing to this awesome rock beat and he said something in her ear, right after she formally introduced us. I glowed. But later, when I told her my interst for him she told he was not gay.

Lucas 0 x 2 Cold Mean Bitchy Motherfucker Son-Of-A-Bitch Cocksucker Universe.

I am confused. I know Universe is not to be blamed, the needy feeling this rut brings [aka ego] is the real fucker; so you know what, I decided to be blasé. I'm gradually de-crushing from Éder but this want of a guy beside me has been tripping me up; it's like I'm looking for a substitute to receive these feelings that got interrupted to flow. Therefore, in an attempt to stop confusion I'll occupy my head with other things, flirt the less possible and forget men. Men suck! I'll be asexual at least in the meantime I organize my life.

[Song: Move - Dreamgirls]

Romantically Lame

“If I kiss you where it’s sore? Will you feel better? Will you feel nothing at all?”

Funny, the other day I found a text I wrote more or less a year ago. It’s called “Drunk” in which I say about getting drunk to ease the pain. I loved coming across it because it’s a proof of my rut: I realized that from late Feb to March I get into a needy bitterness that is often triggered by heartbreak.

Back then I taped myself to a more dramatic soundtrack, read: Kylie’s Put Yourself In My Place and Drunk. This time I have extremes, both hurt of course but one is a bit romantically lame while the other is more moving on-ish.

Lame things first. Regina Spektor’s Better has been into my mind ever since I went back to Conquista to get the rest of my stuff. The quotation on the first paragraph is from it and this song has a little story. As you know January was a marvelous month for me; in one of my sunset viewings with The Cigarette Club I [now] remember starting to feel the sentiments I’m today willing to leave behind. Everybody [but Bel] was there; Eder was there. It was a lovely dusk with beautiful scenery, cute reencounters, cigarettes and flirtatious smiles. In Diego’s car Regina Spektor’s Fidelity started to play and I offered my CD that contained the Begin To Hope album [which was never returned till this date]; and there she was swaying one of the prettiest sunsets I’ve seen so far while certain things had their commencements.

The other song is Cardigans’ Erase/Rewind, which I posted about already. “Better” is romantic/lame [in a good way, I must point out] because it’s my masochism wanting to hold things that are probably expired. Although it’s not so simple to erase and rewind [I’d say it’s impossible without the help of Miss Alzheimer and Miss Lobotomy], Dido already testified that “it’s high time you left it there.” So I sing “Erase/Rewind” to try to wake up the strong independent Samantha Jones in me who just shakes the crap off and moves the line on. But instead, I think I can’t have him kissing where it’s sore, so I daydream and feed ego.

If in the end I decide to waste time and compare the situations [this and last year’s heartbreaks], I could say that last year I was in way better position. Because at least back then I was drunk. Note to self: buy booze Lucas.

[Song: Better – Regina Spektor]
[Song 2: Erase/Rewind – The Cardigans]

Mem Kuf Hey

"Esta semana encontramos a força emocional para se erguer depois do tropeço, para se levantar depois da queda, e para agüentar quando o caminho parecer insuportável."

As the hours to get the bus approached I could not help feeling this little anguish inside. Yesterday I had to come back to Conquista in order to fetch the rest of my stuff, my computer and my new TV; dad and I are travelling back tomorrow in the morning by car.

In my heart I was feeling this weight, this weird sensation of stumbling and going back to things I wish to let go. But, do I really? Everyone who knows me knows I am reasonable when it comes to facing [for real] the dramas; of course I do my scene I just can't help living a cinematic life but when time comes to face the facts I'm an iceberg. So now in my usual egocentric ramblings I wonder if things didn't let go because they simply can't right now or because I don't want them to. Being utterly honest: I still have hopes; which makes me even more pathetic and hopeless.

Madonna [kind of] said once about her 2003 X-Static Process song [from the American Life album]: "This song is about Jesus; about how we give men too much power; including Jesus. The more power we give to men the more fucked up we get [because we tend to lose ability to trust ourselves in order to worshiping an outside male figure]." I've come to terms that I gave too much power to this guy, placing him in such a high place on my standards. The problem now is not the guy himself being there, it's the things and sentiments he represents in my mind becoming a pattern to all my relations. Not his fault at all ["you brought this on yourself and it's high time you left it there"]. However, all this makes me remember a post I wrote four months ago. In it I said I wouldn't erase anything ["there is no such thing as regret"], but now I take it back. Sometimes I wish I could partially lobotomize myself to at least forget all the patterns and high standards I've incorporated and carry on with a daydreamless life.

Zohar tells us this week to pick ourselves up, clean the dirt and walk on. Pisces is often a bitch to make us fall, but it's up to us to fight against depression and getting up. I brough this on myself and it's high time I left it there.

[Song: Slide - Dido]

Boredom

"Yes, I said it's fine before
I don't think so no more
I said it's fine before
I've changed my mind
I take it back

Erase and rewind
'cause I've been changing my mind
I've changed my mind"

[Song: Erase/Rewind - The Cardigans]

PCless Life Part Deux

You know, I had to do something with all the things bubbling under my mind during this time. I shopped wildly, which's been giving me my first real money troubles, I flirted wildly, which is never bad and I've smoked wildly, no comments about that.

So yesterday, after I had brunch with Alais we decided to watch a movie. We went to an art room nearby that were playing Notes On A Scandal with Judi Dench and Cate Blanchet. And I am telling you [I know hosie, corny] I never felt so excited by a movie in a long time! I loved Dreamgirls and Borat the other day, but while the first never touched me deeply enough the latter didn't feel much of a rooting movie and more like a political statement. "Notes" not only got me jumping on my seat that left jawdropped at many times; after it I felt so inspired about life and people. Once again I sound corny but I can't help feeling moved by movies that talk so judgement freely about human behavior [I'm not going to spoil it].

When I got home, I wrote. And better, I've been writing and I'm excited about it, which hasn't happened in a long time. While everything else kind of bores me, a spark inside me feels like doing something. Surely I should feel a bit more excited about school, but meh not yet. I keep having these ideas and turnpoints to the plot I'm developing. I still don't know exactly how and what it'll turn out, but the fact that I've been writing wildly even makes me consider staying more time in the house. In spite of the silence.

[Song: Get Together - Madonna]

PCless Life

What to do when you live in a house with no tv, no pc and no people?

No, I didn't try to kill myself, even though I almost did it last Sunday for not watching the Oscars if it weren't for Alais to come over and be company [yeah, big time DQ moment]!! But well... here's a quicky update post so you my lovely readers [I sound it like you are a lot] know I'm not dead.

College started. Big time confusion... public colleges are great, BUT they're the quintessence of disorganization. So I'm very lost and not excited to find things out. I hope things get along with time... I know they will.

Man, I need men!! No, not need but yeah you know what I mean. A house without PC AND TV... one tends to think a lot about things-slash-people one shouldn't. Actually all this boredom's being contrasted with cool happenings, like knowing cool people. I met today an old friend of mine at UFBA and met a very hip and famous girl from Salvador. All the prospects of parties have cheered me up a lot as well and honestly, I love having a social life. Lol... Now I'm Paris Hilton.

Well my dears, I think that's all... I miss blogging, and all the good people I read. I need my nerd life back.

[Song: Put Your Records On - Corine Baley Rae]

About Hope And Moving On

Today I went to the cinema alone, again. But this time I didn't feel like having anyone with me. I was okay by myself. I watched Nancy Meyers's The Holiday and although I felt a bit sick sometimes [about the movie and my current state of mind] I generelly liked it. The movie references were cute and G-d that Winslet woman is perfection! I even liked Cameron Diaz who is very over the top in the begining but ends up being also pleasant from the middle on [except for that cry scene that was hilarious, but it's not actually all of her fault, it's mostly the film's]. But what I mean to say is that this idiotic holiday romantic comedy, as the great portion of them, manages to fill a hopeless-romantic heart [yes, that would be me] with hope.

Last night I watched The House Of The Spirits and Streep's character talks about the relationship between the events. She means that everything's connected and happens for a reason. I surely knew The Holiday was not going to be a movie that would make me have orgasms about Meyers' filmmaking, I bought the ticket expecting to be bitchy and bitter about it; but in the end it did me good. I felt kind of invigorated with the feeling of hope. Please understand, I'm not talking about hope in having that romance back, just the hope that "the certainty of the continuity of life" brings. I'm only 19, I'm sure I'll have my heart broken several times in the path, so what's the point in feeling miserable when I know that that is a waste of time at this point of my life. I'll be travelling back to Salvador tomorrow at night and I hope to get life on my tracks again; it's not that hard I know, I've done that before and that's what we always do, isn't it?

[Song: Secret - Madonna]

Men With History

There's a Kabbalist saying that goes "you might be through with the past, but the past might not be through with you." In a society and era where everything happens so fast that you mostly don't have the time to breathe between an event and another, and the notion of time gets so confused that things that happened a while ago feels like an eternity, one might get entangled by the presence of the past in the present.

Almost a year ago I had a crush on a sixteen-year-old boy [those times are finally over] who I made out twice and was totally smitten about [nowdays I don't even know why]. I know it was mainly carnal, but I could tell he liked "my carnal"; days later he dumped me. Reason: a past affair came back from the dead and he decided to invest. Well, I hated the destiny's trick, I hated the fucker, but in the end I got over it.

You all who read this blog followed my sit-com worthy affair with "Comment guy". Comment guy! Lol, in my silly attempt to maintain myself detatched from sidekick feelings I tried to dress up a Holly Golightly behavior, giving him the Ho's and mine usual quirky nicknames, such as "comment guy" or "fuckface" [a fun word that is totally spoiled]. Foolish me ignored the fact that inside of me he already had a name, his own name [imagine this as the Kill Bill Vol. II scene when the Bride's name is revealed]: Éder.

So in our last date before I moved to Salvador I was kind of sick. My throat bitched on me again, but still he stayed with me, ignoring my probable sick breath; we kissed, we talked, we kissed again, we talked more. He offered me a column in his and his friends' fanzine about pop culture; he asked me to call him as I arrived there. Tell me, how not to fall? But that's exactly when things started to fall apart. When I arrived, I called and he never answered; it was like this for the whole week. As you know my brains decided to work over time and turned full creative mode on. Back to Conquista I called him and he said "things happened". Bingo! I had the answer to all my doubts about everything that went on the last week: the disappearance and all the implicating feelings. If you do not know yet, when someone you're having a romantic affair with tells you "things happened" in a sober-wannabe tone, be sure that those things are not good... for you!

This morning, almost 72 hours after that announcement with no more fuss and game details such as "dignity" I decided to call him. Uhg... it was somewhat ridiculous! He stuttered with a weak-ish voice but he finally said what I first thought when I heard the infamous line ["things happened"]: a past affair came back from the dead and he decided to invest. As for me, well I thanked my brains for imagining all the stupidest situations because I was able to tune up to my most stoic side and sounded serene and slightly cold. Of course it was all a bit awkward, because despite everything [?] we had, we never acted as if we needed to explain things to each other. But there he was making his speech, and here I was feeling relieved. I had my closure, I can move on.

And I will; but I won't be a hypocrite in saying I'm not angry or heartbroken. I love mystery, but suspense is just cruel and the level of suspense you make someone go through tells a lot of how much you care about this person. It proves once again the fact that we never know how much of our actions will affect other people, directly or not. After the call I felt angrier with myself for just at that moment being able to process/remember in my mind all the things I wished to say to him. Truth be told I wanted to bitch on him until he felt like shit, but in the end I'm glad I didn't; last thing I need now is another ego-trip. And things happened so quickly that I fell on time's trick. I felt like we were together for ages and we had a whole future ahead. But the same fast way things started between us, they ended with a casual encounter of his with the past, just fresh and raw like that.

I don't blame him for the things I felt in this period; yes he could have avoided all the painful suspense [I won't take that fault away from him] but the "painful" is addition of mine, I decided to come and investigate and face all the consequences that came along. He told me he was still a bit confused about everything [because this guy hurt him], sounding like "hey I'm not sure about this yet so stick around". But that's just not me, I'm not the type of guy who stands and waits for other people to make me happy; as you know I have no shame in casting dignity aside and going after what I want at the moment. Being utterly honest I was liking him, point in fact I think I still do, but I'll just carry on.

After all, why should I feel sad for what I never had?

[Song: The Power Of Good-Bye - Madonna]

This Is NO Good!

Today I went to the cinema alone; I LOVE going to the cinema alone, just me and my thoughts about the movie I'm watching. Not that I don't like company in the theatres, but I usually prefer my solitude.

Not today. As soon as I finished my cigarette and entered the mall I bought my ticket and got into the room, after buying my usual large Coke. The film was The Blood Diamond [meeeh!] and the most exciting things were the 3rd Spider-Man and the 5th Harry Potter trailers. As I got more and more bitter about the movie all I wished was someone with me. Someone I could share my bitterness with, someone to laugh with me at the silly things of the movie, someone I could do a quick comment about the performances or the screenplay. And you know, I'm not talking about a friend...

The thing is, in my pursuit of mind occupation I've watched movies. This morning I saw Boy George's marvelous musical Taboo, an outrageous and hilarious play about the 80's underground club culture; in the late afternoon I drove without direction and ended up in the mall to see The Blood Diamond and as soon as I got home I watched The House Of The Spirits, with G-d Meryl Streep and a delightful-to-watch Winona Ryder.

The thing in common between them? Lucas felt the loneliest of people. I hate when I get this romantic wave, especially after a long, fun and secure period of manless bitterness. It's funny how we complain the lack of romance in our lives and when we finally get it we want back the firstly-hated apathy. In the airheaded-hesitant-dunno-what-we-want bitches' defense I say: apathy hurts much less than unresponded romance.

I'll definitelly be more careful with the things I wish from now on. As a friend said tonight on MSN, the solution is becoming the quintessence of blasé.

[Song: Hung Up - Madonna]

Hey Ho!!

Yaaay!! I finally found out what everyone needs to be overwhelmingly happy!!

ROLLERSKATES!!

Sure, of course some bruises will come along [duuh, nothing's for free!] but man, rollerskating is beyond fun!! I need a pair of those yesterday!!

PS: Pay no attention to my nonsense. I'm just trying to occupy my brains with something so I stop making suppositions about... FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

[Song: Hung Up - Madonna]

"Drawing down more Light illuminates the dark areas of our life"

"We tend to take our areas of clarity for granted while we torment ourselves about our 'issues'. We become much happier – and less doubtful – when we redirect our uncertainty into actions of certainty."

Let's say this is my main goal now.

You see, I have some troubles that I'll only discourse here after I solve them. But I'm in such suspense because of them that obviously my head is working over time, creating speeches to supposed future arguments.

One thing is for sure, I MUST start taking care of myself again; my interrupted Kabbalah studies, plus my reconnection with my creativity and trying to improve it without computer [I'll be PCless for a month or more].

So, while bitterness gets closer by the hour I'll try to keep my mind off my "issues" and find my inner Temple Of Light.

In the meantime, wish me luck with everything...

[Song: Landslide - Dixie Chicks]

PS: There are now two links for comments: the Haloscan with the dorky lines ["Comment please please!" etc] and the boring Blogger one... suit yourselves with any of them.

I Love Salvador!!

There I go again!!

You see, this will sound funny. I left Marilia with the purpose of living in Salvador [my native city], but first I had to spend four months in Vitória da Conquista, where my dad lives, in order to set and arrange my life and moving to there. Those four months were boring and full of bitterness [from where I took my fun from] and I couldn't wait until it came February. I hated Conquista but sincerely never tried to like it anyway... so I don't blame anyone, but me.

However in January I kind of became a party monster and got to know and reunite to really cool people and suddenly Conquista didn't seem so awful! [I know, kick my ass!] The latest events only are enough to make me not give up on Salvador, but to want to stick around here a bit more.

But I have to do what I have to do, and despite the "unexpected" sore throat I got, [how did I get to be so weak lately?!] I'm excited to return to my main target. Wish me luck, luvs!

[Song: Some Kind Of Bliss - Kylie Minogue]

Pop Extravaganza Two

"I'm gonna tell you about love. Let's forget your life, forget your problems. Administration, bills and loans. Come with me."

That's how Madonna whispery starts her 2006 "world" tour [if you consider North America, Europe and Japan as the whole planet]. This woman spent more than twenty years of her life telling the world how she feels, what she thinks and not feeling regret about it. In her 1993 tour, The Girlie Show, she goes: "Sometimes you gotta tell world the way you feel, even when they don't wanna hear about it!" Now let me tell you something about Madonna and her fans: we've always had this sarcastic bitchy relationship, so whenever she bosses and badmouths us we get high! So you can imagine that when last year this woman asked gently for us to come with her, "no" was an absolutely impossible answer.

The Confessions Tour came with many rumors and controversy. Some fans bitched about her using equestrian references, until they saw the Steven Klein photoshoot for the W magazine; others shouted along with the narrow-minded and cursed the mock crucifixion even before seeing it. But aside all the exasperated bullshit from those fuckers, Madonna delivered once again the best pop live show.

After the impressive opening of the Golias-esque mirrorball you have right before your eyes dance and musical numbers that go beyond everything you ever thought that could be done in a live concert. From dancers turned into horses as you hear a dancefloor classic [I Feel Love] be once again reinvented, to kinky horse-rides and defying gravity jumps.

The beautiful cross comes up from underground showing a beautiful and focused Madonna; it's like she's in another dimension. If you are a shallow person you just look at the controversial cross; if you have a little bit of artistic sensibility and chooses to go deeper on what you're gazing at, you look a bit up and notice the important message about humanity and love being screened. If you get to this place, Madonna's voice and the song she's singing sound like a heaven sent murmur, then the cross makes perfectly sense.

She's everywhere here. A woman like Madonna surely has many tales to tell and confess, so you can't help but feel emotionally, politically, philosophically, intellectually and spiritually chalenged and moved. She gave statements about world peace, her faith and way of viewing life et al. But one of the things Madonna does majestically, that only a select group of performers can do and still none can do as she does, is making you think while you have the best of the times.

When she announced the tour she said her intention was to turn the world into a gigantic dancefloor. [Did you notice how everything about this is gigantic?] And she did it! The Confessions On Dance Floor album is above everything else a party album, and the tour could be no different. If for a moment you decide to shut your ears to the woman's mind you will still be treated by a selection of songs that will make you dance and have fun like never before.

The final and empowering set - the Music Inferno - starts off with her dancefloor-filler/crowd-pleaser Music mashed up with the 1970's classic Disco Inferno; and guess what! She's dressed up as the dancefloor icon Tony Manero! Then she reinvents her dark and hunting 1992 hit in a way no one ever expected: Erotica becomes happy and bright escorted by the romantic and [somewhat] heartbreaking You Thrill Me; man how that dance is cool and sexy! It's followed by such speeded up and infectious La Isla Bonita that I call it La Isla Gostosa ["hot" in Portuguese], and finally comes a deliciously modern Lucky Star, pursued by the already disco classic and marvelous sing-along/ass-shaker Hung Up.

One might think that The Confessions Tour is filled with distracting machinery, but that means one doesn't get Madonna. Her shows were always multimedia concerts where music is not exactly the main thing to follow. With the Confessions she outdid herself in that gigantic stage filled with light and magic. Suddenly you are transported to a world full of excitement and surprise, where every little thing said and done makes your jaw drops and your whole body is put in a trance. Madonna is the main attraction, but this time - like you already noticed in the first Future Lovers lines forementioned - she humbly gives you time and space to think about something else than her. She still tells you in her way what she feels [after all these are her confessions] but you never feel compelled to only proceed as her.

Pop Extravaganza One

[Song: Like It Or Not - Madonna]

Wow!

It's the end of an era.
No more "sexy chubby".
No more drunkard-slash-drugged celebrity.
No more tacky stripper-slash-social climber-slash-rotten moribund old men playground.
No more decadent-slash-funny reality shows.
RIP.

Bad Timing

You know in this post I was supposed to tell how the author of the comment was revealed; in other words I was to talk about the rave I went last Sunday. I will, but not specifically.

Last night I went out to get drunk with the guys. The guys were a friend of mine, the Comment guy and his friends from college. I was an hour late and as soon as I arrived where they were, they paid the bill and we headed to another bar; they were all tipsy and it looked like The Alcoholic Tour 2007; the bar we stopped was this cheap place, actually a house where we went straight to the most hidden room. We were all sat and being loud as drunkards should be and somehow He and I ended up sitting by each other's side; I was nervous of course, you see I'm very outspoken and to-the-point with lust, but need I to say that daydreamings have much little to do with lust?

The atmosphere was sort of tense as they were left by themselves. Lucas had anticipated that moment for a while, it was his chance to get things started for real. But suddenly all his wittiness and slyness seemed to have gotten out of the room with the rest of their friends. Lucas mumbled and stuttered something, He kept looking at Lucas waiting for what he was to speak; Lucas pretended amnesia, he couldn't simply talk about his thoughts of the last days, his daydreaming and obsession. What if He decided to run away in the other direction?

As I said, I like taking the lead of things; controlling is what I mean. I'm the guy who goes straight to the point and say what I mean [with my usual metaphors and bitterness of course], I'm the crotch-grabber, the eager kisser... but there, at that moment all of this vanished away, I was just a guy with this huge feeling of possibility, desperately wanting his brain to work and create some cheap talk for that awkward hour. As you all know as well, I'm a lazy person; I don't care in doing the job when I must do it but when someone offers to do it for me it's a party!

He insisted in knowing what Lucas meant to say with the grunts; the latter hating inspiration for running dry at that odd moment just smiled and bit his lower lip; you might say this was a slutty move to make an impression, but Lucas bit his lower lip all the time, okay! And this time was more a sign of nerves than seduction. But suddenly He just came close, approached his head towards Lucas who felt this huge carnival inside of him and then they kissed.

He held my hand; after we kissed he held my hand; this might sound ordinary to you but it was new to me, no other guy had held my hand before. There's a part of me that never cared for that stuff, my Samantha Jones self was always pleased when they grabbed my ass so when he held my hand I didn't know how to react, so I just smiled and responded the gesture.

After they were kicked out of the bar [it was closing] they headed towards the same direction. Then Lucas felt this amazing feeling, because conversation flew normally. No weird silences, no out of sudden subjects, everything in the best of stream of consciousness way. They made out on every dark corner on the path, they talked about everything. Lucas mentioned the comment, saying how lovely it was; He thought Lucas would think it was cliché and corny. How could it be? Okay, it was bit cliché but a well conducted one, after all it had mystery enough to make Lucas feel curious and excited about it. "A secret admirer! I have a secret admirer, how cool is that!" He stepped back in time, in the first time they met in Spiritual Camp [don't ask!] 5 years ago. Lucas and his memory of course didn't remember him; "of course you wouldn't remember! I was just this 13-year-old brat asking you Shakira's album! But I liked you right there... you jumping in the pool with Alais playing around, you looked so cute. And I remember feeling all fuzzy when you sat by my side during one of the prayers," He told, making Lucas obviously melt; the things you notice and the things you don't. Lucas would've never thought of him as the writer of that comment, honestly Lucas didn't exactly remember him.

We sat on a bench under a tree in front of his condominium and we talked more; I mouthed around speaking in my usual Lorelai Gilmore way. Everything was great and cute; I felt romantic but not mellow, realizing we had a lot in common like sarcasm and irony ["everyone who hates irony should die!"] and I couldn't help but thinking of what a bad timing this all was happening... me going to Salvador by the end of the week. Uhg! But you know what fuck it! I could choose not to go through it, but then I wouldn't be feeling this cool. It might be bad timing, but it's the time we have and I'm gonna enjoy it! At least I won't be filled with regret for have let it go when I had the chance to hold it. Fuck bad timing!

Lucas: "I was hit by 3 guys at the rave, but none of them had intersted me. I don't know why..."

He: "I love the way you dance!! So free and careless... your hair, your smile, your lips. You were beyond cute that night."

Lucas: "You're kidding me? I dance like a cuckoo whore!"

He: "No you don't!"

Lucas: "You were the cute one! I remember looking at you in the morning and realizing at that moment that I wanted you."

Maybe you [aka I] could say we're late, after all the comment was posted almost a year ago. But who said that Saturday is our deadline? It's not like we're dying anytime soon, and it's not like we're already dating, to the point of having to maintain a distant relationship. So like everything else in my life, I'll jump on it. No I'm not letting go of my control freakness, but maybe it won't hurt to pause it for a while.

Let it will be...

[Song: Hug My Soul - Saint Etienne]

I Hate You Brains!!

I started 2006 [uhg, I promise this is no restrospective post, this is just an intro] transcripting my summer journals. On the 8th part I talked about the beach, but it was a comment I got that caught my attention. Eleven months after it the author of the message is revealed. He's one of the members of theCC.

For the lazy readers [hi Ho!] I'll transcript here the comment that got me:

"i should know that a guy like you could only be who you are.

hahhah i met you years ago, in a place where i couldn't breathe.

and i liked you

and i didn't tell you that

and i regret for it...

someday we'll meet again

i hope"

The revelation of the author happened in a way that takes a longer post and a less tired poster, so if you're curious stay tuned [I always wanted to say that]. The thing I'm really wanting to say here and now is that I fucking hate my brains for being beyond imaginative and start daydreaming!! Yeah, I'm already picturing situations and lives, even if I don't know what that comment exactly meant!

I fucking hate myself!

[Song: Too Far - Kylie Minogue]

Jump

I have a thing for young men. Teenagers to be specific; I like the soft skin, the naivité, the eagerness. Once I kind of fell for one of those, but that's history. But truth be told adolescence is not something I like to deal with nowadays; when the teenager isn't kissing me or trying to rip my clothes off he just bores me.

Well you might say I'm being presumptuous, after all I'm just 19. But when I was 17 I was trying too hard to be oh so mature, that somehow I learned earlier that trying wouldn't exactly work if I didn't have the tools to be so. When I was younger I liked to think I was "an old mind trapped in a young body." Today I see that all I was was a boy wanting desperately to pose as a man. I'm not saying I'm a grown man now, heaven forbid, but I'm done with posing. I've changed, I know I grew up from back then to now. The best part is that I'm aware of these changes; I won't be arrogant in saying I'm in total charge of them but I at least know they're happening and that they must happen.

So, one thing kinds of hits me to the nerves: when people don't get it; better saying: choose not to get it. I don't seek for people's aproval of what I've become or what I've decided to be, I just want them to let me be. I have these friends who recently have been telling me I've changed, but not in a good way [in their conception]. Well I agree I changed, I'm more careless about little trivial details of life, like do-they-still-care-about-me's and am-I-being-dissed-on-the-back's; I'm more conscious of who I am and what I want for myself; I'm more careful with my actions and words; I'm more sarcastic and bitter than before - that's a good thing in my world; I'm a bit more sociable; and at this moment I'm bored with this self-celebrating little list.

The thing is, when my friend found a link from my first blog [I won't link it, too embarassing!] escorted by an "emotional bill" I felt pissed. I'm pro evolution, I agree people have the right to change and grow up; once done you'll never go back to where you started, you might revisit feelings but there's no real trip to memoryland, you can only see the pictures you've taken when you lived that. The bill consisted in "do you still love us like when you said you did back then?" Honestly, I felt pissed about that kind of question. Love is a living thing, it changes and evolves and we have to accept it; G-d knows I love those people but why should I define it? Why should I label it as "strong like before" or "a bit weaker"?

My reply to her question was bitter and sarcastic. Maybe she'll laugh [I doubt], maybe she'll just feel more fucked up. In any case I'll keep on doing what I'm doing; as a non-teenager I refuse to play those games, as a not-yet-adult I just keep on embracing the shifts and turns life gives me.

"I'm not afraid of what I'll face

But I'm afraid to stay."

[Song: Let It Will Be - Madonna]