Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Judgemental people will probably read this with pointing fingers but I am actually a bit impressed with myself after this.

A week ago I had my first joint ever. I didn't feel anything. However I know exactly that I couldn't feel anything because I actually didn't know how to smoke... not pot specifically, anything.

My cousin Clarissa told me later that she had never tried maryjuana even though she was always curious. Among her concerns about it was the fear of getting addicted to it, which is mine as well; besides that our family is really judgemental about it and condemned severly other cousins of ours who used to do it. Seriously, if my mom ever know that I had a joint I don't know what she'd do, you all know how she reacted after learning I'm gay. But still my cousin turned to me and said: "omg, do learn how to do it and tell me later how it feels like!" All I needed, more encouragement to get the highway to hell.

So I put myself in a mission: I was to learn how to smoke to then try pot properly. Yesterday I met Alais for the last time before coming back to Conquista and after we left this old and gorgeous theatre in Salvador we stoped at a newsstand and bought my first pack of ciggies. L.A. mint-ed. We went to a café, ordered cappuccinos and sex-talked [the way my cigarette daydreams always were].

My first gulp was heavenly! It felt like I always knew it. Of course I had some trouble in lighting it up [Alais had to do it for me], but after I first felt the smoke sneaking into my lungs and I inhaled deeply the nicotine I felt this delicious taste of mint mixed with an instant sense of relaxation. We were sat on those garden/pool chairs and as I felt my head smoothly spining I leaned my back and lied down. Main thought at the moment: "this is so good, of course it's wrong."

And that's it! I managed to learn and do the thing. That gave me a good insight about myself and how far I can go if I only put myself to try to do; without fears and prejudices, just go and do. I had a couple moments like that before in Marilia, but the last months in Conquista were so full of wish-I-do's that this last accomplishment made me feel somewhat proud of myself.

Now of course I dread about becoming a regular smoker [which won't happen], after all I just sneaked out and had two more of these guilty pleasures [oh boy]. I won't let it become a big deal in which I'll be drama-queening about killing myself or whatever; I'll take this experience as a lesson learned in kicking the fear and doing.

I think I'll make some phone calls...

[Song: Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk - Rufus Wainwright]